How to Deal With Burnout When You Can't 'Just Quit'

There’s no denying it: Checking out is having a moment. More than two years ago, the term "quiet quitting" bubbled up from the tumultuous depths of the COVID-19 pandemic to describe scaling back as a form of self-care. It became a second chapter to the so-called Great Resignation that started in 2021 and saw workers leaving their jobs en masse—mostly citing low pay or poor mental health.

But it didn’t end there. Within the past year, more than half of employees still report feeling burned out. The solution sounds simple enough: Just quit. Take a break. Embrace a career nap. But what if you can’t? What if people you care for also rely on your stable job and income, and in quitting, you could no longer provide for them? 

Tens of millions of adults are caregivers, but people in the “sandwich generation” face the challenge of simultaneously caring for their children and their aging parents—physically, emotionally, financially, or all of the above. And the concept isn’t new. Dorothy Miller, a professor of social work at the University of Kentucky, coined the term in the early 1980s, noting that the sandwich generation has a “unique set of unshared stresses," including acute financial strain, a lack of reciprocated support, and “fatigue from fulfilling the demands of too many roles.”

In other words, people in this group—which, at the moment, is mainly a mix of Gen X and millennials—tend to carry a heavy emotional burden. But unfortunately, they’re often under a lot of financial pressure, too, which means “just quitting” and walking away isn’t on the table.

Why the sandwich generation is so burned out

Nearly a quarter of American adults are “sandwiched” between their kids and aging parents, according to the Pew Research Center. That includes people whose parents are 65 or older and whose children are either under 18 or are older and still need financial support. 

More than half of adults in their 40s fall into this middle ground, as do more than a third of adults in their 50s. But many of them may not even realize they’re in such a group.

“Being a sandwich-generation caregiver can sneak up on you,” says Brooke Schwartz, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker and founder of the Los Angeles-based Sawtelle Psychotherapy Group. “Yes, there was likely some time to adjust to the idea of entering a parent role, but it's hard to predict and anticipate all that will come with that, both logistically and emotionally.” What’s more, she says, “Entering a caregiving role for aging parents can be particularly sneaky. It may start as heightened concern for parents' well-being, or an increase in requests, and before you know it, caregiving feels like—or truly is—a full-time job.”

Plus, many people are staying in the sandwich generation longer than ever before, per the Pew Research Center, as older adults live longer, and younger generations struggle to achieve financial independence. Indeed, more than half of young adults up to age 34 are at least somewhat financially dependent on their parents, per another Pew Research report released earlier this year. Less than a quarter of adult children are financially independent by age 22 these days—while that number was closer to a third in 1980.

Perhaps that’s one reason why people in this group report significantly higher levels of burnout than non-caregivers, or even those who care only for children, according to a December 2023 study in the International Journal of Aging & Human Development.

Another study from last year, published in March in the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society, also found that sandwich generation caregivers report substantial financial difficulties, despite higher labor force participation, along with intense feelings of caregiver role overload. They're also less likely to use supportive services, according to the same study.

That could be because many caregivers feel their role is a deeply personal one, and not something they should be outsourcing to someone else, says Fanny Ng, PhD, a clinical psychologist with Clarity Therapy NYC who specializes in caregiver stress and burnout.

“A lot of folks feel like someone else couldn't do as good a job as they can,” Ng says. “They know their mom's favorite food, or how she likes things done, so no other person is good enough. Or their kids ask for them by name, and so they feel like they can’t step away.”

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When we focus so much on others, especially those who we care deeply about, we often have less and less time to focus on ourselves.

— Brooke Schwartz

Guilt plays a big role in these situations, Schwartz adds. “Sandwich generation caregivers are being pulled in so many directions, none of which is inward. When we focus so much on others, especially those who we care deeply about, we often have less and less time to focus on ourselves. Or, even if there is time to focus on oneself, there may be too much guilt to truly lean into the type of self-care that pushes up against burnout.”

That guilt is often borne out of societal expectations, Ng notes. “There's definitely a lot of cultural pressure, particularly for women, because the role of caregiver usually falls to them—mothers or eldest daughters, for example,” she says. “There’s this kind of general sense that other people just couldn’t do as good of a job, so they become the default. It’s a bit of an unfair burden, but they’re often reluctant to hand it over to someone else.” 

All of that stress adds up. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, nearly 60 percent of people say the emotional stress of caregiving is “high” or “very high,” and as many as 40 percent report depression symptoms, while 15 percent say at least half the days in the past month were “mentally unhealthy” ones for them. “People can be affected with depression, anxiety, and have a lot of trauma related to dealing with medical systems, healthcare, and financial institutions, all of which can be just so overwhelming,” Ng says.

So, how can you reduce stress when quitting isn’t an option?

When you can’t walk away from your source of income, and yet you also feel like you’re not able to share the burden of caring for both your parents and your kids, what can you do to get your stress levels in check and care for your mental health? 

We asked Schwartz and Ng for the advice they give their clients.

1. Challenge the “stuck” narrative

Many caregivers feel like there’s no way to improve their situation, Schwartz says, or that they’re “stuck” with the burden they’re carrying. That mentality creates a vicious cycle: Burnout fuels hopelessness, which fuels more burnout, which fuels more hopelessness—and so on. But sometimes, simply laying out all the facts and possible solutions can be eye-opening.

“I tell my clients to do this in a way that's non-evaluative as a process, allowing all possibilities to be on the table before any of them are ruled out,” Schwartz says. “This increases cognitive flexibility, allowing the brain to understand that the ‘stuckness’ caregivers feel isn't always as reflective of reality as it feels.”

For example, maybe you’ve reflexively dismissed the idea of hiring a part-time nanny or caregiver in the past, whether it’s due to feelings of guilt or financial worries, but the act of laying out a possible shared care plan—even if it’s just a few hours per week—might make it seem more feasible.

Along these same lines, Ng says she sometimes encourages clients to talk with a social worker so they can better understand what resources are available to them, such as temporary financial assistance, help with paying for child care, various programs for older adults, or other government-backed resources for caregivers who have low income or are caring for someone with a serious illness or disability. “When [caregivers] know what they’re qualified for and all the options available to them, they’re able to consider what might work best,” she says.

2. Ask family members and close friends for help

This may seem like obvious advice, but Ng says simply making a clear request with your family members or close family friends can make all the difference. Don’t assume they know you’re struggling. If you don’t ask for help, they might think, “Oh, you got it, you are so capable,” Ng says. “And then they don’t offer help because they feel like maybe they’re overstepping.”

In other words, just because someone hasn’t offered to help doesn’t mean they’re not interested in lending a hand. Maybe they’re just waiting for you to ask.

3. Find ways to care from a distance

“Oftentimes, I think it's wise advice to pull back our emotional investment in things that aren't serving us well,” Ng says, but admits that this can be tricky when the thing burning you out is caring for someone you love. Still, she says, limiting face-to-face contact—even for a brief time—can allow you to give care in a less intrusive way.

This might look like setting certain boundaries around your time. For example, "I will send my mom an ‘I love you’ text, but I don't have the capacity to visit her when my daughter is sick and needs me to take care of her," Schwartz offers.

It could also mean calling the assisted living facility to check on your parent instead of visiting in person one day, or coordinating care from other providers. “I've had folks who actually found professional companions for their elderly parents, just someone to sit with them, spend time with them,” for a few hours at a time, says Ng, who points to home health aides as another option if an aging parent lives in your home.

If your budget is tight, consider connecting with a volunteer organization in your area. The Boston-based Friendship Works, for example, connects volunteers with older adults to provide friendship and support.

4. Outsource non-caregiving duties if you can

“I don't know many sandwich caregivers who don't want to be able to do it all,” Schwartz says. But in many situations, it’s just logistically impossible to hold down a job while caring for multiple loved ones and doing all of the day-to-day tasks that just about everyone deals with—like laundry, dishes, cleaning, mowing the lawn…the list goes on.

If you’re able, hire help around the house for the chores that eat up your time the most. Then, instead of filling that time with more caregiving duties, dedicate it to a self-care activity like exercise, journaling, or connecting with a friend. When it comes to finding a reliable housekeeper, ask friends or family near you for recommendations or use a website like Care.com or MaidPro.com. For other time-suck tasks like weeding walkways or running errands, try TaskRabbit.com.

5. Lean on technology

Tender is an app built specifically to streamline the process of caregiving. There are practical resources, like a secure spot to store important documents and information, as well as an AI advisor that can direct you to guidance on eldercare, medical questions, and more.

The app also includes an online community where you can connect with other caregivers—something that’s proven to have benefits. Research shows joining a caregiver support group or community reduces feelings of isolation and provides a sense of belonging, according to the nonprofit Senior Friendship Centers. These groups allow you to learn from other people’s experiences, get tips on how to manage your caregiving responsibilities, and above all, lean into the kind of emotional support that can help you better cope with stress and burnout.

Tender’s founder and CEO, Shauna Sweeney, is a member of the sandwich generation, and the app is based on a platform she built for herself a decade ago, when her father was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s and Sweeney became responsible for managing his life in addition to her own.

She realized then just how complex multi-generational family care can be, she tells Well+Good, and how society struggles to support people in her situation. But apps like Tender can ease at least some of the burden, she says, even if it’s just the mental relief that your family’s medical info is organized in one easy-to-access place.

Another app, CaringBridge, allows multiple caregivers to more easily coordinate and communicate about caregiving duties, including things like appointment dates, medication instructions, health changes, and other essential info. The site has also partnered with GoFundMe, allowing users to raise funds to help pay for caregiving and medical expenses.

Other apps are a bit simpler but can keep your day-to-day tasks of caregiving more organized, like Medisafe, which provides an easy way to track medications and prescriptions, and Symple Symptom Tracker, which is a high-tech journal where you can log your loved one’s symptoms, activities, and other metrics of health, like their sleep and nutrition.

6. Seek support at work

“Asking for accommodations at work and taking time off can be helpful for stress-management,” Ng says. This might look a little different depending on your work environment and employer policies, but it could start with talking to your manager about your situation and raising any specific work-life conflicts you’re having.

For example, if you have a standing Zoom meeting at 3 p.m., but that’s typically when your kids get off the bus, ask if it’s possible to move the meeting earlier or later in the day. Similarly, if your parent needs to be taken to physical therapy at 4:30 p.m. three days a week, ask if it’s possible to start your workday earlier on those days so you’re able to leave the office in time.

On a more formal level, there are laws that require employers to provide workplace flexibility for certain caregivers, per the Job Accommodation Network. Case in point: The Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA), a federal law that allows eligible employees to take up to 12 weeks of protected leave per year either to care for a spouse, parent, or child with a serious health condition or to care for their own condition (mental health conditions, like severe burnout, are included here). 

The leave can be taken all at once or in smaller chunks throughout the year, or it can be used to create a reduced work schedule for a short amount of time. For example, you could take FMLA leave for weekly or monthly sessions with a therapist to help address feelings of burnout. 

The catch is that FMLA is unpaid, so your income could take a hit. But certain states have additional laws that allow caregiver-employees to take job-protected paid leave for family and medical reasons. To learn more about what’s available in your area, contact your state’s human rights agency or labor office, or see the National Partnership for Women & Families’ breakdown of state paid family and medical leave insurance laws.

7. Maximize the small “free” moments in your day

There truly are only 24 hours in a day, so you’re unlikely to discover new time to decompress or practice self-care. Plus, trying to carve out that time can often trigger feelings of guilt or resentment. But you can use the time available to you to its fullest potential.

“At some point throughout the day, you'll likely use the bathroom, take a shower, drive in the car, or brush your teeth. These are the moments to capitalize on,” Schwartz says. “For example, rather than thinking about everything you need to do tomorrow during an evening shower, listen to music or practice mindfulness of the sensations." Burnout takes our simplest pleasures away from us, says Schwartz, so starting simple tends to be your best bet. "I can't count the number of times I've told clients to ‘pee mindfully!’” he says.

Just a few minutes a day really can make a difference, too. A November-December 2019 review in the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine says that even brief mindfulness practices can immediately affect stress and anxiety levels and improve mood.

Another idea: Do a quick, five-minute breathing exercise during household chores like folding laundry, vacuuming, or washing the dishes. A January 2023 review and meta-analysis in Scientific Reports found that breathwork may be effective for improving both feelings of stress and overall mental health.

8. Above all, be kind to yourself

Sweeney’s top tip for others in the sandwich generation who are struggling with burnout is to practice self-compassion and grace. “Remember that you're doing your best in what can be a challenging situation,” she says. “The smallest acts of self-care, especially when done regularly, can make a big difference in your experience.”

When to seek mental health help

Although it might be challenging to consider mental health help—we know, we just got done talking about financial responsibilities—there are a variety of signs that may warrant help from a therapist. According to Ng, if you’re constantly feeling overwhelmed, worried, exhausted, isolated; or you have trouble sleeping; or are easily irritated; or you’ve lost interest in the things that you used to enjoy; or you have unexplained physical issues like headaches or digestive issues—these could all be signs it’s time to seek help. 

Adds Schwartz: “If the responsibilities or emotional toll [of caregiving] interfere with your quality of life, working with a mental health professional can be a great option.” 

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or go to FindTreatment.gov for resources and treatment options. If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself or others, call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.