Can a Cheater Change? How to Rebuild Trust and Protect Your Heart in a Relationship

While therapists acknowledge the argument for not being truthful after an act of infidelity, they generally agree that honesty is the best policy. “I believe that openness and honesty in a relationship are very important, so ultimately yes, I do believe that you should be transparent with your partner if you cheated,” says Leanna Stockard, LMFT, a therapist at LifeStance Health who specializes in couple’s issues and women’s issues.

For one, being truthful from the get-go is a way to show your partner the respect and honesty they deserve. “A partner deserves to know if a line has been crossed so he/she/they can make an informed decision about whether they want to move forward with the relationship,” says Carole Cox, LMFT with Thriveworks in Cary, North Carolina who specializes in life transitions and relationships. Further, by not telling your partner what happened, you put yourself and your relationship in jeopardy. “Without sharing what happened, you may run the risk of the relationship becoming more unhealthy regardless due to secrecy, guilt, or distance caused by not being forthcoming,” says Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, LCMHC, a trauma-informed therapist, podcaster, researcher, and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women: The Complete Guide to Recognizing Emotional Manipulation and Achieving Freedom from Emotional Abuse.

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Of course, if you’re the one who was cheated on, you may, understandably, have trouble trusting your partner’s word ever again. So, can a cheater change (like, really change)? We spoke with Dr. Kelley, Cox, and Stockard to determine whether a relationship can be salvaged once you or your partner have cheated and how to rebuild trust after an incident of infidelity.

Can a cheater really change after cheating?

After hearing your partner cheated, you may wonder if there’s any hope for the future. They may claim they’ll change and never cheat again, but are they being truthful? Can a cheater change, actually? And is it even possible for them to promise you something like that? According to Cox, a person can really change after cheating—sometimes. “In my experience, people can and have changed after cheating,” she says. Whether or not they change—and for good—comes down to self-accountability first and foremost. “If the betrayer can take responsibility for what happened, usually after a lot of individual and couples therapy, they tend to stay faithful,” she continues. “Until a cheater has taken full ownership of their behavior, without blaming others, the behavior isn’t likely to stop.”

Dr. Kelley believes taking ownership in a counseling session can also help the person who cheated dive deeper into the issues that influenced them to cheat in the first place. “[Counseling] can help someone find the origins of why they cheated and learn better coping skills for getting needs met within their relationships,” she says. Factors such as accountability, ownership, and willingness to change are helpful across the board. At the same time, there’s no uniform “post-cheating journey” that determines if someone has made genuine progress. So, each relationship is unique and there’s no hard-and-fast methodology to determining whether someone will cheat again.

"Only you can decide if you should stay or leave if your partner has cheated on you." — Carole Cox, LMFT

One helpful step you can take to answer the question "can a cheater change?" for yourself is to look for red and green flags within the relationship following the cheating episode. “The process of changing will likely be different for every person, but I believe that what can impact the change is making sure that they actually want to make a change, and [that they have] the determination to understand why they have cheated,” Stockard says, noting that this type of change requires significant work and accountability on the part of the person who cheated. To achieve this, Stockard recommends working with a professional, such as a couples therapist.

While a therapist can certainly help, here’s your friendly reminder that it’s not 100 percent guaranteed therapy will fix your relationship after someone has cheated. Dr. Kelley warns that many people aren’t capable of making the necessary changes or doing the work it takes to prevent future cheating. So be aware of serial cheater traits—such as self-esteem issues and compulsive behavior—to protect yourself and your relationship. Signs of immaturity are also important to keep in mind if you’re trying to determine whether your partner is capable of growth and your relationship is healthy. These signs may look like your partner failing to learn from their mistakes, your partner actively avoiding their responsibility, as well as signs of low self-awareness, such as defensiveness and arrogance.

It’s also important to note that some people are more likely to cheat again than others. According to a study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior¹, people who cheated in their first relationship were three times more likely to report cheating in their next relationship compared to those who didn’t cheat. “If someone has a sex addiction, social deviance, or a long pattern of cheating multiple times, they are less likely to change, and you may be better off saving your energy both in body, mind, and time,” Dr. Kelley says.

How do you know if a cheater has changed?

So, you and your partner have addressed the cheating episode directly, been to couples therapy, and talked out any additional issues that have arisen since, but you’re still not sure if they’ve really changed. “Can a cheater change?” you may still be asking yourself. First, know you’re not alone in wondering if your cheating partner has learned from their mistakes. “This is the most difficult part for the betrayed [partner],” Cox says. As mentioned above, since we can’t read our partners’ minds, getting the answer requires intentional communication and behavior from both parties.

Dr. Kelley says honesty, authenticity, and taking ownership of their behavior are good indicators that they’ve grown from their cheating experience. “Also, if you notice they are more open with both their positive and negative emotions,” they may have changed for the better, she adds. “If they are willing to share when they feel disconnected or are struggling in the relationship, as opposed to suppressing emotions, that is also a good sign,” Dr. Kelley adds. Those signs, however, need to last, too. “A partner that has cheated on you may make some immediate changes, but there needs to be longevity and consistency with changes over time to truly know that your partner will not cheat again,” Stockard says.

Research points to an additional contributor that might be more difficult to change. A study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences² found that cognitive control—or self-discipline—doesn't determine whether someone is honest; their moral default does. So, there’s no true indicator that will help you predict if your partner is going to cheat on you again. Whether they’re consistently honest or dishonest, determining whether they’re going to cheat again comes down to who they are at their core and what they decide at the moment.

Is it worth staying with a cheater?

No article or amount of research can tell you whether it’s worth staying with a cheater, unfortunately, but that’s because you hold the power here. “Only you can decide if you should stay or leave if your partner has cheated on you,” Cox says. “Cheating doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship, particularly if it was truly a one-time thing and your partner is genuinely regretful and remorseful.” To better understand where your head is at, Cox suggests asking yourself questions about what the instance—or instances—of cheating means for your relationship and how you might best move forward.

According to Cox, some factors that have made staying worth it for past clients include:

• All the time invested in the relationship, and/or having kids together (“As long as there is no domestic violence and other factors that ‘muddy the water’ here and create additional conflict,” she adds.).
• The partner who cheated was willing to go to therapy, make amends, and understand and validate their partner’s feelings without blaming or shaming.
• The partner who cheated was willing to build new, stronger patterns of communication and connection.
• Having made a commitment to God, or another religious or spiritual conviction.

Even if some of these scenarios resonate with you, there’s no shame in breaking up. Dr. Kelley says staying with a cheater is only worth it if they're engaging in the measures mentioned previously, like holding themselves accountable. “If you feel this person is not making these necessary changes, you have no responsibility to help them change,” she says. “That should be an effort they put forth on their own.”

Stockard also encourages you to focus on your needs during this time. “It is important to remember that actions have outcomes, and you need to make sure that you make the decision that is best for you,” she says. She’s found that some relationships even grow stronger after cases of cheating. Of course, that’s not always the case; some cheaters are better left behind. “If the person who has cheated is not remorseful about it, they do not see a reason to change, and expect their partner to ‘just get over it’ quickly, the process of rebuilding trust can be extremely stunted,” Stockard says. “The relationship can be challenging to be in, and it may not be worth it to stay with your partner, even if you still love them.”

Do cheaters really regret cheating?

Asking yourself "can a cheater change?" is one thing, but knowing whether the person who cheated regrets their actions is another. Unfortunately, this is another one of those “it depends” situations. “Some cheaters absolutely regret their cheating, while others are more upset that they got ‘caught,’” Cox says. Further, while many cheaters feel regret, Dr. Kelley says, it’s not always necessarily for the right reasons.

For example, a narcissistic person might struggle to feel the weight of responsibility since their ego strength isn’t present enough, and others may regret cheating because of the feelings of remorse and shame that being caught gave them. “Shame is often present in those who cheat, especially those who are not willing to speak about it and try to change,” Dr. Kelley continues. “If someone feels guilt, which should motivate action, they will feel less regret the more they share and try to repair the issue.”

Since there’s no way for you to know for sure if your partner’s words and actions are genuine and going to last, the best you can do is rely on your gut and pay attention throughout the duration of the relationship. “It is important to assess for yourself if you truly believe that your partner is remorseful, and not just expressing remorse to move past the situation,” Stockard says. Three factors that signify they may be genuinely regretful, she continues, include strong communication, time invested into the relationship and into personal growth, and consistent effort to be a better partner.

Does the pain of being cheated on ever go away?

The hurt that comes with being cheated on will pass, but it may not happen as quickly as you’d hope. “It takes a great deal of time and often a reconstruction of the relationship, not only in the way it was before the cheating but the state it is in after,” Dr. Kelley says. “Healing also does not happen as one singular event, but as many building blocks that grow upon each other.” After all, in the face of such shocking, painful deception from a trusted loved one, it’s understandable you may feel hopeless and struggle to heal fully. “Learning about an affair is not much different than going through the stages of grief and loss,” Cox says. (The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, which don’t always happen in that order.) “There were the lies, the deceit, the betrayal, all of which can go a long way to destroy trust and hope.”

"Learning to trust again after betrayal is a slow process and extremely challenging." —Carole Cox, LMFT

She adds that many betrayed partners will need to share what happened to them repeatedly. So, if you know someone who’s been cheated on, be open to hearing them out if they want to talk about the experience multiple times, and be aware of your own emotional capacity when engaging in these conversations. Additionally, many people who have been cheated on have benefited from a daily, restorative self-care routine. This might look like an exercise class, yoga, getting a massage, turning to a faith-based network, prayer, scripture reading, and individual counseling alongside couples counseling.

While each of these self-care practices can be helpful in their own right, try to not push anything that doesn’t fit for you. If you need to grieve, then grieve. “I encourage people to not force themselves to ‘get over it’ before they are ready,” Stockard says. “Listen to your body, and allow yourself to go through the process. Your partner needs to respect this and let you heal from the hurt and pain that they caused.”

Can you ever trust a cheater again?

Can a cheater change, and can you ever trust them again? After someone is caught crossing a line in a relationship, it’s hard to believe they won’t do it again. But is it impossible? “Learning to trust again after betrayal is a slow process and extremely challenging,” Cox says. “My personal and professional belief is that there is reason to be hopeful under certain circumstances, [including] a mutual agreement to do the hard work of repair.”

As far as rebuilding trust after a cheating incident, there are some steps the partner who cheated can take. If you’re the person who cheated and you feel comfortable doing so, Cox and Dr. Kelley suggest sharing your location, passwords, and plans with your partner to eliminate suspicion and demonstrate a commitment to transparency. If you’re the partner who was cheated on, Stockard recommends giving your partner the benefit of the doubt while remaining aware of any suspicious patterns that may arise again. Ultimately, trusting a cheater can go many ways—including positively—but it’s up to you and your partner to determine what that trust looks like for your relationship.

Final thoughts

So, after all that, can a cheater change? While a cheater can change, that doesn’t mean they will. There’s no surefire way to determine how to move forward with a relationship after your partner has cheated, but there are some expert-approved tips that can help put you in the best position possible to make that decision for yourself.

For example, Cox suggests setting a “rule” not to involve friends or family members in a way that creates “relationship ‘triangles’ and coalitions that set one or both in the relationship up for more suspicion and jealousy.” She also encourages both partners to be patient with the process and urges couples who have dealt with cheating episodes to seek professional support. “I always recommend that a couple see a licensed marriage and family therapist, and if there is a faith-based component, a trusted pastor, priest, or spiritual advisor,” she says. No matter what happens, these resources are a crucial reminder you aren’t alone.