How to Transform a Friend’s Emotional Dumping Into a Healthy Venting Session

We all need to vent from time to time, but when it’s done to the point of exhaustion or without an understanding of others’ boundaries, we run the risk of harming the people we rely on to support us. A 2022 study published in Acta Psychologica shows that social support plays a significant role in decreasing loneliness, and a healthy support system can go a long way. Supportive relationships should involve a balance of sharing and actively listening. If you’re leaning on your loved ones, it’s just as necessary to check in on them and make sure that they have the space to listen to you.

Bad news: if you often share your emotions with someone who is not a mental health professional, without checking in on whether they have the mental space to take this on, you could be emotionally dumping. Good news: the impulse to share your emotions with your friends is perfectly natural, and it can even be useful when done with compassion, awareness, and boundaries. Ahead, experts explain how to avoid emotional dumping, what you can do to cope instead, and how to set boundaries if someone in your life is emotionally dumping all over you.

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What is emotional dumping?

According to Madison Greenfield, LMSW, emotional dumping involves “flooding someone with your emotions [or] trauma in a way where the receiver may feel overwhelmed if they do not have the capacity for it.” In other words, emotional dumping can look like sharing your emotions with your friends, family, and loved ones, without considering what your support system can and can’t hold space for at the moment. Leaning on those we love can be an amazing source of support, but if it’s not done with the appropriate boundaries, it can cause the person on the receiving end to feel drained and burnt out in a way they’re not mentally or emotionally prepared to handle.

Keeping in mind when and how you’re sharing your emotions with the people in your life can help you to determine whether you’re emotional dumping. Greenfield also suggests journaling, vent writing, and seeking therapy to get to the root of why you may have this tendency. Some common signs of emotional dumping include:

• Not asking if the person you’re sharing with has the space to take on your emotions at that moment: be sure to start all venting sessions with “Is it okay if I vent to you?” or “Hey, do you have the space to listen to me vent right now?” and respect their response.
• How often you share your emotions with this person and how in-depth you go with your venting: if this person is your go-to for emotional support or you catch yourself venting every time you see each other, check in and make sure they’re okay with listening to you unload your emotions each time.
• How you respond to the supporters’ reflections and follow-up questions: give yourself and your friend time to process the information you’ve already discussed and take breaks as needed for both of you to talk through other topics.
• Whether you’ve provided emotional support to those you’re seeking emotional support from: make sure you’re not taking more than you’re giving, and be sure to ask your friends if they have anything they want to vent about in their own lives before you begin venting.

Of course, as is always the case with emotions, there will be times when we need support. Seeking this support from our friends and family is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of; in fact, it’s natural and healthy behavior. What’s important here is the when and the how of venting. If you’re sharing at an appropriate time, consensually, and with an awareness of how those around you may feel, then you’re likely not doing any emotional dumping.

That said, if you feel that you may be subjecting someone in your life to emotional dumping, know that you can turn your behavior into healthy venting with some self-compassion, coping mechanisms, and professional support.

Why is emotional dumping toxic?

Emotional dumping, says Greenfield, “can put a heavy burden of pressure or vicarious trauma on someone who either can’t handle it or didn’t ask for it.” In other words, emotional dumping can potentially put someone in a high-pressure situation that they’re not equipped to navigate. Plus, even healthy venting can only be helpful under certain circumstances. In fact, a 2024 study found that venting actually does not significantly reduce feelings of anger. So, next time you feel the spontaneous urge to call up your friend and pour your heart out about that thing that’s been weighing heavily on you, consider other outlets like going for a walk, practicing mindfulness meditation, painting, or exercising.

"Emotional dumping can potentially put someone in a high-pressure situation that they’re not equipped to navigate." —Emily Hein, LMSW, LSW

Signs that someone may be emotionally dumping on you

There’s often a fine line between venting and emotionally dumping—and how you feel after the conversation can be a useful tool in understanding the differences. It’s important to note that regular venting can occasionally be draining, but this is usually because of the content, rather than the structure, of the conversation. Signs of emotional dumping come about when your time and mental space are being taken advantage of, such as when:

• Your conversations with them always feel one-sided: Relationships should be as equal in give and take as possible, and while a perfect 50/50 split isn’t realistic, neither is a relationship that totally skews in one person’s favor. If you find that you’re constantly doing the listening but not getting the chance to be heard, it’s possible you’re being emotionally dumped on.

• They ignore your feelings: If you’ve expressed the need to take space from emotional conversations and your boundaries haven't been respected, then this is likely a sign that these needs won’t be respected in the future unless you take a step back.

• They repeatedly call or text you with no regard for your time: Phone calls and texts are amazing for keeping up relationships, but they sour when they give the illusion that you’re chronically online and available. If someone is constantly calling or texting you for advice without warning, it could be emotional dumping.

• The substance of your conversations with them feels heavy and overwhelming: A heavy conversation here and there is natural with anyone, in any kind of relationship. But if you’re constantly bogged down by the heavy subject matter of your conversations with someone, they may be subjecting you to emotional dumping.

• You feel drained or stressed after a conversation with them: Arguments and tougher conversations are natural, as is feeling drained after these discussions. But if you’re leaving every conversation feeling emotionally spent, then it’s time to reconsider how the conversations are structured.

What are examples of trauma dumping?

According to Greenfield, emotional dumping, sometimes referred to as trauma dumping, can look like sharing intense details about a traumatic experience without asking if it’s okay to unload those details onto another person. Real-life examples of trauma dumping can vary case by case, but they usually involve someone mentioning the details of a traumatic event in an otherwise casual conversation.

The potential for trauma dumping can exist in any setting, from small talk at the office to happy hour drinks with friends. And it’s not unique to one circumstance or type of person, either—anyone has the capability to trauma dump or be the recipient of trauma dumping. This can look like your parents suddenly sharing a distressing personal story from their childhood while you’re making dinner together, your date oversharing about a difficult personal experience unprompted, or that acquaintance you only see every few months offloading every life stressor on you by the snack table at your mutual friend’s birthday party.

How to tell someone they're emotionally dumping on you

It can be helpful to navigate these conversations with empathy for the other person’s point of view, so if you’re feeling angry or activated after being emotionally dumped on, it may be wise to wait until you’ve processed on your own before sharing your feelings with your loved one.

Once you’re feeling ready, Greenfield recommends acknowledging and validating the dumper’s emotions. Validation can go a long way here, as it reminds your loved one that you are in their corner and empathize with how they feel at their core. Greenfield then suggests explaining why you don’t have the space to take on their emotions, and gently suggesting that it may be more appropriate to speak to a mental health professional.

How to set boundaries around emotional dumping

If you’re the recipient of emotional dumping, it can be hard to set clear boundaries while remaining compassionate. Here are some expert-sourced tips to help you communicate directly and make it clear that you care about your loved one, but you may not have the capacity to support them right now:

• Communicate directly: There is a difference between being direct and being rude or insensitive. As long as you communicate compassionately, it’s helpful, not harmful, to ask for space from heavier emotional conversations.

• Use “I” statements: Setting clear boundaries is important, but there’s no need to make anyone feel unworthy of sharing their emotions. Using “I” statements, such as “I am feeling overwhelmed” or “I need some space from more emotional conversations right now” can help you to maintain your intention—protecting your mental capacity—without placing blame or insecurity on the person looking to vent.

• Use natural boundaries: We all have conflicts that pop up throughout the day that keep us away from our phones and our friends. It’s okay to set your phone on do not disturb for a while, or to say no to plans if you think they’ll be more draining than fun. That said, if a specific person is still emotionally dumping on you after you’ve attempted to establish these boundaries, it’s worth having a conversation with them so they can better understand your boundaries.

If you’ve found yourself emotionally dumping from time to time, listening to and respecting others’ boundaries can go a long way. Ask if members of your support system have space before sharing. Chances are, your friends and family will respect that you’ve asked about their capacity before shifting into your conversation, and they’ll be more likely to actively listen and provide support.

How do I stop emotionally dumping?

In short: if you’re trapped in an emotional dumping cycle, seeking professional help, developing healthy coping skills, and using emotional regulation tools will help you minimize the impact of your unhealthy venting on others. While using coping skills and practicing emotional regulation are two slightly different concepts, they can be used in tandem: A 2014 study notes that both emotional regulation and using coping skills involve taking an intentional look at your unhealthy behaviors—or the emotions that result from them—as well as taking steps to reframe your point of view or response. Some specific recommendations from Greenfield include journaling and seeking talk therapy to organize your thoughts, manage difficult emotions, and process trauma.

Signs of healthy venting

Yes, there absolutely is such a thing as healthy venting! Humans are naturally social, and leaning on your support system can be an extremely useful way to cope with life’s everyday challenges. If you’re unsure of whether your loved ones’ venting is healthy, here are some key signs to look for in your next conversation:

• You have a say in whether the conversation takes place: There’s a difference between someone talking at you and talking to you. All participants in a conversation should have agency over when, and how, that conversation takes place.

• They consider your emotions before the conversation even begins: Asking whether you have space to listen before you’re tasked with actually listening, can go a long way. This is beneficial to the speaker and the recipient because it assures that everyone is present in the conversation.

• The conversation doesn’t feel one-sided: Sometimes people truly need to be listened to without hearing advice — but if that’s the case, they should be clear about that from the start. Otherwise, conversations should allow for everyone to participate equally.

• You’re able to give feedback: It’s possible that someone won’t be in a position to accept your advice, but if that’s the case, they can (and should) communicate that they’re interested in support, not solutions.

• You feel a natural desire to listen and be supportive: Half-hearted listening and advice is unfair to all involved. If you’re asked to listen when you don’t have the space, it can increase burnout and allow resentment to grow.

• You both walk away from the conversation feeling valued and respected: This is crucial — no matter who’s venting and who’s listening, respect should always be maintained.

Is emotional dumping a red flag?

Emotional dumping is not necessarily a red flag or a sign that you should end your relationship with the person who has been emotionally dumping on you. According to Greenfield, emotional dumping can be a red flag, but if the person who’s been emotionally dumping can recognize and change their behavior, there is room for growth.

If you feel comfortable doing so, and if it seems like your loved one would be open to it, you can gently guide them to process their emotions with a mental health professional. Although therapy can be beneficial to many people, it’s not always accessible, and can be tough to suggest therapy to a friend, family member, or partner. So, it’s important to approach this step without judgment and to check on your loved one’s capacity for change before recommending therapy.

Final thoughts

Sharing your emotions with friends and loved ones is a privilege, and it’s important to be mindful of the impact you’re having on those around you when you express those emotions. If you’re worried you may be offloading too heavily on a particular person or group of people, take a step back. Consider seeking professional help and use conversational techniques that alleviate some of the pressure from the person on the receiving end of your venting session. And if you are on the receiving end of emotional dumping, understand that there are myriad ways to show your loved ones you care that don’t come at the expense of your peace of mind.