Should You Forgive a Cheater? Experts Weigh In on When You Should (and Shouldn’t) Try to Move Past Infidelity
“Forgiveness is not the goal after someone has cheated,” says sex and relationship therapist Tammy Nelson, PhD. “Forgiveness happens organically after time, understanding, and sometimes space for you to find empathy — empathy for the cheater and for yourself for being in the relationship,” she adds. Whether you choose to leave the relationship or stay, forgiveness “may come and go,” from day to day, Dr. Nelson explains. “Some days it may seem easy, you might see clearly how the affair happened, and are able to let go of your hurt and anger. Other days, you may not understand at all, and find you can’t forgive.” If it sounds confusing, that’s because it is. It’s a confusing time after all. “Betrayal trauma is like that,” Dr. Nelson says. “You don’t owe anyone forgiveness, and you can take your time figuring it out.”
“You don’t owe anyone forgiveness, and you can take your time figuring it out.” —Tammy Nelson, PhD, sex and relationship therapist
No matter what decision you make, you owe it to yourself to have as much information as possible about your options before you decide. With that in mind, we asked a handful of experts on forgiving infidelity and the age old question of: should you forgive a cheater?
- Melissa Divaris Thompson, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist
- Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist
- Tammy Nelson, PhD, licensed sex and relationship therapist
Why do people cheat?
“People cheat for many reasons, as everyone is different and engages in relationships differently,” says Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, owner and founder at Take Root Therapy. Dr. Nelson also agrees, adding that “people cheat for many reasons, and there cannot be a pat answer to this question.” However, there are some common underlying themes that our experts pointed out:
1. They want something novel
Sometimes people may cheat “because they want something novel, or they struggle with who they have become while being in a monogamous relationship,” Lurie says. These people “want to find a way to connect to freedom and who they were before their current relationship.”
Dr. Nelson adds that in her 35 years of working with couples and infidelity, she’s found that “people who cheat don’t necessarily pursue new people, they pursue new feelings.” To this extent, Dr. Nelson adds that for these people, “each potential partner can trigger a new experience, which brings out a new part of the self, which creates a unique sexual, romantic, or emotional involvement.”
2. They may have difficulty with intimacy
Other reasons may also include attachment styles and difficulty with intimacy, Lurie explains. These people may “want to be close to their partner, [but] may struggle with being close and engaging in another relationship may be their way of distancing themselves,” she adds.
3. They may be seeking validation or attention
Lurie also says that another common reason people may cheat is because “they may not value monogamy even though they have committed to being in a monogamous relationship. Perhaps they seek validation or attention, leading them to pursue multiple relationships.”
Pros of forgiving a cheater
1. Forgiving someone else can free yourself from resentment and pain
One quick thing: It’s important to note as Lurie says, that “forgiving someone who has cheated doesn’t necessarily mean remaining in the relationship,” and that you can indeed choose to forgive someone (and in turn, “free you from having to hold resentment and pain”) even if you choose to leave. Regardless of if you choose to stay or not, forgiving someone can allow you to feel more at ease and move on.
2. Finding a way through may bring you closer together as a couple
“While [forgiving your partner] will likely be incredibly difficult, finding a way through can help you both better understand your relationship, and in some instances, working through the pain of infidelity can strengthen the relationship,” Lurie says.
3. Forgiveness itself can help you reconnect with one another
Lurie also explains that through the process of forgiveness, “you and your partner will need to improve how you communicate and commit to strengthening your emotional intimacy.” The resulting improvements in communication and forgiveness may be able to help you reconnect with one another, she says.
Cons of forgiving a cheater
1. They may cheat and hurt you again
Yes, cheating can be a one-time thing...however, if your partner is a serial cheater, this changes things. “If your partner shows no signs of remorse for hurting you, has no insight into why they cheated, and doesn’t want to discuss what happened, then it might mean they are not interested in repair, [and] could also mean they are most likely at risk of doing it again,” says Dr. Nelson.
2. Staying in the relationship may serve as a reminder of the hurt
Lurie also adds that if you choose to stay in a relationship where your partner has cheated, “holding onto the hurt may serve as a reminder” of the past pain.
3. Forgiving without addressing the behavior may enable them
Finally, Lurie says that “forgiving a partner who has cheated without confronting the behavior and addressing it together may also enable the same behavior in the future.”
How to forgive a cheater
When it comes to how to forgive a cheater, we asked the experts for their best advice for where to start. Keep in mind: this will be an ongoing process and it might take some time if you want to do it right.
1. See your partner as a whole person
“Forgiveness will require you to see your partner as a whole person and understand that cheating is something that they did, but it is not necessarily who they are,” Lurie says. This distinction is important as it will help allow you to move past things in a healthier way.
2. Talk about it
“Talk to your partner about the affair, find out what happened and why, and be willing to talk about your part in the relationship,” says Dr. Nelson. You should also be open to asking them “what they felt during the affair, and if there is a reason they think they can’t be that way at home with you,” she adds. The resulting open conversation should help guide you to “how and if you should forgive.”
Lurie adds that “if you choose to remain in the relationship, you will both need to work to communicate, better understand what caused the cheating, and identify what you need to rebuild trust.”
3. …And then talk some more
Forgiving someone after an affair is likely not something that can be done in a one-and-done conversation. “You will be tasked with having many (many) difficult conversations to process and communicate your pain and hurt, and have your partner take responsibility and hold your pain,” Lurie says.
4. Consider therapy
“Couples counseling is often helpful, or even crucial, in this process,” Lurie says. In fact, even if you decide against forgiving your partner, Lurie adds that “individual therapy can also be instrumental,” if you want to care for yourself independent of the relationship. Remember to take care of yourself as well, during this time. And if you’re looking for more info on how to heal after being cheated on, we’ve got some other jumping-off tips for you as well.
When you should forgive a cheater
1. You've previously always been honest with each other
"If you have a history of honesty, and you feel you've been able to trust one another in the past, one indiscretion doesn’t change that," says Dr. Nelson. "Someone’s character or personality doesn’t change so dramatically overnight. If you feel like this is a one-time fling, and you know they are still the same person you [committed to], give them a chance."
2. Your relationship was healthy prior to the cheating
"Someone who can remember the connection and the good times before the incident might be able to tap back into that and bring it into the healing of the infidelity," says licensed marriage therapist Melissa Divaris Thompson, LMFT.
It's possible that things have been difficult for the last couple of months, or even years. Perhaps your arguments have been escalating, or the passion and intimacy have dwindled. Even if there's a clear and present rough patch in the partnership, what matters is that your entire relationship hasn't been a rough patch defined solely by bumpiness. Moreover, if you both can look back with clarity and recognize when things were good, there's hope. However, remember that it may be a different story if you're dealing with a serial cheater.
3. You're both committed to each other and your shared family
Obviously this won't apply for everyone, and it shouldn't be your entire reason for sticking around. However, if you have an entire family unit to consider—and that family isimportant to both of you—it's certainly worth a pause. "Think more about your parenting responsibilities and less about your monogamy agreement, at least for now," Dr. Nelson says. "Work on your relationship because you're good parents together."
But of course, she adds that if you're not good parents together, don't make the kids responsible for saving a marriage. Successful co-parenting still can happen without partnered parents.
4. You're both naturally forgiving
If you have a history of not holding grudges and apologizing in a healthy way, there's a chance you'll be able to bounce back from something of this magnitude. "No matter how long it takes, if the partner who has been cheated on can forgive, it helps the couple be able to move forward and through an infidelity," says Thompson.
5. You're both able to see the bigger picture
If you're willing to think about the whole of your relationship and the solid foundation you've built it upon being stronger than the weight of this transgression, that's a good sign you'll be able to move forward.
"Going through infidelity is extremely painful and throws a grenade into most relationships," says Thompson. "However, when both people can recommit to the relationship and work on making it stronger, it has a much higher level of success. When a couple is able to see the bigger picture—the past, present, and future—they are able to realign and get back on track."
6. You still love each other
If you recognize that you both love each other and want to start over, consider it a welcome opportunity to try couples therapy to work on improving lines of communication and respecting each other. "Let this be the one-time thing that leads to a new conversation and better communication." says Dr. Nelson. "Don’t waste this moment."
When you shouldn’t forgive someone who cheated
1. Your partner has cheated multiple times
If you’re already wondering, “how many times should you forgive a cheater?” you likely already know the answer. If your partner has cheated on you multiple times and hasn’t expressed remorse, Lurie says this may be a sign that “the relationship is harmful and unhealthy for you and that instead of focusing on forgiving your partner, you would benefit from prioritizing yourself and your care.” And if you’re not sure what constitutes serial cheating, we’ve got tips on how to recognize traits of a serial cheater that you may want to check out.
2. Your intuition is telling you to take a step back
If your mind is bouncing back and forth over the question of "should you forgive a cheater" while your whole entire body is vibrating with bad gut feelings, pause and listen to what your body is trying to tell you.
“Always err on the side of caution in a relationship where you feel betrayed,” says Dr. Nelson. “Trust your intuition and never let a partner gaslight you into believing that your fears are not valid. Honor your own needs in a relationship and be clear about your need for monogamy, and what, for you, constitutes monogamy.”
3. Your partner won’t take accountability
Should you forgive a cheater if it means staying in a relationship that makes you feel like you are not honoring your own dignity and respect? Should you forgive a cheater even if it means a lack of accountability? Or, should you forgive a cheater if it means waiting for an apology sometime in the future, because they won't apologize or talk to you about it now?
In cases where the partner who cheated won't take accountability and doesn't express remorse, Lurie notes that this may be a sign to end the relationship. If they're not taking accountability right after an affair comes to light, they probably won't do it suddenly three years down the line.
4. Your partner denies your feelings, gaslights, or manipulates you
Likewise, Lurie adds that if the cheating partner uses “gaslighting or other attempts to manipulate you or the situation, their harmful behaviors likely extend beyond cheating.” Dr. Nelson agrees, adding that “if the cheating feels like it’s part of a pattern of abuse, where your partner denies your feelings, tries to gaslight you or tell you that you’re imagining it, it may be time to leave.”
When to seek professional help
“All couples in conflict and confusion about their relationship can benefit from professional counseling,” says Dr. Nelson. “A therapist can point out where they are repeating old trauma behaviors that may not be related to the current betrayal, and help both partners develop new coping skills to move the relationship forward,” she adds.
Lurie agrees, adding that “if it’s possible to access support after infidelity, I would encourage couples to do so.” However, “while not every couple who goes through infidelity will necessarily ‘need’ professional help,” Lurie also says that having a therapist to both support everyone involved and navigate through the conflict may make things easier for everyone.
FAQs
1. Can a relationship ever go back to normal after cheating?
“There is no going back to normal after cheating,” says Lurie, adding “however, relationships have the potential to transform into something more intimate and satisfying, but only through a lot of work, both individually and as a couple.”
2. Does infidelity pain ever go away?
As Lurie notes, “Infidelity pain may not go away, but it can change over time.” It is possible to recover a relationship after infidelity, but it will require communication and work.
3. Can cheating be a one-time mistake?
Nelson says “it’s a misunderstanding that ‘once a cheater, always a cheater,’” and that if the cheating partner has insight into why the cheating happened and the couple works through it, the affair could potentially bring the couple closer together. Lurie also adds that “cheating can [be] and often is a one-time mistake,” depending on the relationship and behavior.
4. How do you know if they regret cheating?
If you’re not sure if your partner regrets cheating or if they’re apologizing just because they got caught, your best bet here, Dr. Nelson says, is to trust your intuition. “Don’t demand an apology and don’t wait for one without asking. Listen to your gut instinct. Does it feel real? Is your partner sincere? It’s up to you to discern the difference between fear and intuition,” she says.
5. How do you let go of someone who cheated on you?
“Letting go of someone who cheated on you can be a very difficult decision,” says Lurie, however, “in some cases, it is the best decision.” To let go of someone who cheated on you, Lurie recommends mourning the relationship while simultaneously working to “recover the pain of learning of the infidelity, [and] finding ways to honor your feelings and coming back to yourself,”
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