Much like hair scrunchies and Birkenstocks, Keanu Reeves has—thanks to all that is good and pure in the universe—become “trendy” again. He’s currently considered the “Internet’s boyfriend” after playing a parodied version of himself in Always Be My Maybe (and the voice of Duke Caboom in Toy Story 4), and an increasing number of fan stories are coming out that solidify the fact that Reeves is truly a bona fide Nice Guy™. But I would like to take a second pivot everyone’s focus away from Reeves’ sparkling personality and wildly successful career to two equally impressive, yet oft overlooked, things: his skin and his hair.
I initially began swooning over Reeves during my teenage years, when first I laid eyes on him in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. But I’ll admit he faded as a focal point of my romantic daydreams somewhere around The Matrix era, and then I sorta forgot about him altogether when I started to date dudes IRL and stopped pining over celebrities. Le sigh. His resurgence is exciting, though, and I’m thrilled to see that his perfect hair and dewy complexion have remained exactly the same over the past two decades. Like, he has not aged. At all.
But after some extensive research by way of online stalking (in the name of #journalism, of course), I can’t find a single article detailing anything that Reeves has ever revealed about his beauty regimen. And frankly, I’m shocked and appalled that no one’s asked—he’s 54 years old, and still looks like the young stud you saw in The Replacements and Point Break (if you’re not familiar with his roles in these films, please take a moment to do a Google image search… You’re welcome.). So, unfortunately, all we can do is speculate why this unicorn of a man seems to be aging backward. And speculate we will.
According to the Internet, Reeves is part Hawaiian, English, Portuguese, and Irish. He’s also Canadian. So perhaps genetics are to thank for the flawless skin that remains plump and dewy after 25 years in show business (he has 99 acting credits on IMDb, in case you were wondering), and strands that still shine as bright as the white room from The Matrix. For what it’s worth, I’m practically half his age—and a beauty editor—and yet my skin can’t seem to come close to replicating Reeves’ radiant complexion.
Since I have access to practically every beauty product and treatment there is in the world, the only logical explanation is that his regimen is otherworldly. Like, I’m talking about an Aphrodite-level ritual that involves soaking his body in pure goat’s milk from the Alps (which would keep his skin supple and hair soft) and cleansing his face with Fiji water and a healthy serving of $1,750 MBR Liquid Surgery Serum while a fairy brushes his hair 100 times on each side (like Marcia Brady) with a $285 Balmain Paris Hair Couture Rose Gold-Plated Spa Brush Set and a mermaid or perhaps Jon Legend sings him a lullaby. I also like to think there is some sort of fancy scalp serum involved—like Sisley Paris’ Revitalising Fortifying Serum for Scalp ($195)—which would certainly explain why his hair looks like it was spun from Rumpelstiltskin’s golden loom and dipped in the ink of a mythical sea creature.
That’s just my theory, though. I’d also venture to guess he gets professional treatments from, like, the Dalai Lama’s facialist, and that his skin’s microbiome is made up of only the most elite of bacteria… which he probably maintains via probiotic-spiked beauty products created in the same lab responsible for cloning Barbra Streisand’s dog. But consider this my public plea to Reeves himself to please, please share your skin and hair secrets (in detail). Because if there’s anyone’s beauty routine that I need to copy, it’s his.
In the meantime, I’m taking moisturizing tips from a monkey frog. And slathering on the best skin-care serums that you can buy.
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