Finally, validation that people who drink black coffee are psychopaths

Everyone has an asinine hill that they’ll die on and mine is this—I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone voluntarily drinks black coffee. I’ve never felt such a strong sensation of anger and disappointment as when I awoke to a fresh pot at a friend’s apartment with no milk or mylk and sugar in sight. And I hate to say I told you so, but here we are. As I’m lapping up my vindication, I present to you without further question, proof that there’s just something off about people who don’t add anything to their cup-of-Joe.

Published in a journal called Appetite, the researchers asked 1,000 adults about their food preferences and also administered personality tests that help identify narcissism, psychopathy, aggression, and more. And surprise surprise, people who like bitter foods (such as black coffee) were more likely to exhibit not only psychopathy but also sadism. The study did not also identify these people as masochists but in my very scientific assessment, that undoubtedly has to be part of this.

Case in point: Anyone who advocates for this needlessly joyless drink will tell you that there’s an adjustment period before you can really stomach the stuff, which I think should raise all of the red flags. And sure, maybe previously people with certain dietary restrictions or dairy allergies, who needed the caffeine perk, didn’t have many options. But it’s 2018 and you can have milk, almond milk, oat milk, pea milk—even banana milk. There is no shortage of milk options that will turn that cup of bitter black tar into an enjoyable and day-setting drink.

I suppose the last bit of coffee I should spill is this: While the study found that these people had psychopathic tendencies it did not, in fact, identify them as actual psychopaths—but I maintain that they are.

For more controversial opinions—are you a year-round ice coffee drinker or an avid bed-maker?