How to Overcome Your Friendship Insecurity, According to Relationship Experts

"Social media has played a large role in activating insecurity for many people in relationships,” says Molly Burrets, PhD, clinical psychologist and adjunct professor at the University of Southern California. “These platforms not only promote unrealistic expectations and constant comparison, but they give us access to our friends' lives in a way we've never had before." The result? A breeding ground for comparison and self-doubt that can turn even the most secure individuals into anxious overthinkers. To unravel this complex issue, we turned to the experts who explained the dynamics of modern friendships and the insecurities that plague us as we try to navigate social situations.

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What is friendship insecurity?

Friendship insecurity is like a persistent shadow—a nagging belief that your friends will stop liking you or have already lost interest in spending time with you. This doubt often looms largest when friendships feel unbalanced or one-sided. But why do we fall into this trap? “People who experience friendship insecurity may exhibit a constant need for reassurance or regularly feel jealous about a friend's other relationships,” says Burrets. This self-perpetuating cycle makes every interaction feel like a test of the friendship's strength. While insecurity can arise in specific friendships (like a long-distance friendship), persistent insecurity across most relationships likely stems from internal factors, according to Irene S. Levine, PhD, psychologist and friendship expert. "The same factors that inhibit making and keeping friends can affect romantic relationships," says Levine. "These might include an inability to trust, fear of being oneself, fear of rejection, and so on."

Why am I so anxious about my friendships?

Friendships are more than just social connections—they're essential for our emotional development. A study on early adolescents¹ shows that lacking close friendships can lead to viewing one’s social environment as threatening, resulting in increased depression and lower self-esteem. In adulthood, anxiety about friendships is common and often rooted in personal insecurities, including the fear that are friends might not like us. Paranoia about friendships often stems from personal insecurities and past experiences of rejection or abandonment, Travers says. These experiences can amplify our fears, causing us to question our friends' intentions and affection. A long-term study² tracking individuals from age 13 to 27 suggests that early friendship insecurity can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, where negative expectations about relationships are repeatedly confirmed, affecting social connections well into adulthood. "Instead of projecting these feelings onto our friends, it's essential to take a moment to reflect on why we might be feeling this way,” says Jourdan Travers, LCSW and clinical director of Awake Therapy.

Signs of insecurity in a friendship

Imagine you're at a party, and your best friend is engrossed in conversation with someone you don't know. Suddenly, you wonder: Are they having more fun without you? Is this new person more interesting? How will you ever win them back? At times like this, it's important to be aware of your reaction and take a moment to consider why you might be responding to the situation this way.

Recognizing signs of insecurity in a friendship is crucial for addressing the issue. Ahead, experts identified a few key signs of friendship insecurity to keep in mind.

1. Constantly seeking reassurance

An insecure friend may frequently ask, "Are we still friends?" or "You're not mad at me, right?" even without apparent reason. They might also engage in love bombing—excessively praising or showering you with affection—while fishing for compliments or validation, reflecting their need for constant affirmation of their place in your life.

2. Excessive jealousy

When friends spend time with others, an insecure person may feel threatened or left out. As a result, they might use passive-aggressive comments, guilt-trip their friends, or attempting to sabotage other relationships.

3. Projection of insecurities

An insecure friend might accuse you of behaviors they're guilty of, or criticize aspects of your life that mirror their insecurities. "An example of this is attaching how you feel about yourself or where you're in your life to the other person," says Travers.

4. Clinginess or overdemanding behavior

Insecure friends might become clingy, constantly demanding attention and time. They may struggle with boundaries, expecting immediate responses or becoming upset when plans don't revolve around them.

5. Withdrawal or emotional distance

Insecurity can manifest as emotional withdrawal, according to Burrets. An insecure friend might suddenly become cold or distant, often as a defense mechanism or test to see if you'll pursue the friendship.

6. Negative self-talk and self-deprecation

Insecure friends may frequently put themselves down or make self-deprecating jokes, driven by a need for reassurance and validation. This behavior can be uncomfortable to witness and puts you in a difficult position: should you object, share your insecurities, or remain silent?

7. Competitiveness within the friendship

Insecurity can breed unhealthy competition. An insecure friend might constantly try to one-up you, turn conversations into competitions, or feel threatened by your successes rather than celebrating them.

8. Difficulty accepting compliments or positive feedback

While insecure friends may seek validation, they often struggle to accept genuine compliments. They might deflect praise or immediately counter it with self-criticism.

9. Over-analysis of interactions

An insecure friend might obsess over every interaction, reading deeply into casual comments or innocent actions. They may frequently ask, "What did you mean by that?" or bring up past conversations for reexamination.

How to overcome jealousy and insecurity in friendship

Jealousy and insecurity can cast a shadow over even the strongest friendships. "Pop culture and social media often dwell on perfect friendships rather than imperfect ones,” says Levine. “This may give pause to someone having problems and lead them to think their problem is odd and impossible to overcome." However, these feelings are more common than many realize, and there are effective strategies to manage them.

1. Practice self-reflection

Understanding the root of your insecurity is crucial. Travers advises asking yourself, "What's triggering the feeling of insecurity? Is it a lack of communication, feeling left out, or past experiences?" This introspection can provide valuable insights into your emotional patterns.

2. Diversify your social circle

Expanding your social network can significantly reduce insecurity in any friendship. Travers recommends "diversifying your relationships by expanding your social network because a broader support system can reduce the weight of insecurity in any one friendship."

3. Focus on your strengths

Levine suggests a powerful shift in perspective: "Focus on your strengths, not your deficits.” For example, she says your friend may be more outgoing, but you may be better at one-on-one interactions. Recognizing and valuing your unique qualities can boost self-esteem and reduce comparison-based insecurities.

4. Improve in admired areas

Levine also recommends a proactive approach to self-improvement. "If you admire that [your friend] is ambitious, can you take more initiative at work?" she says, suggesting that people seek out ways they can improve themselves in different areas of their lives rather than dwelling on their faults. This strategy not only helps with personal growth but can also reduce feelings of inadequacy.

5. Manage stress and practice self-care

Travers emphasizes the importance of stress management in reducing insecurity. A recent study³ on the general population during COVID-19 confinement found that self-care partially mediates the relationship between stress and well-being. Engaging in regular self-care activities can improve overall well-being, which can correlate with more resilience in friendships.

6. Recognize mutual friendships

"Understand that in friendships that are truly mutual, you won't need to work to gain your friend's affection," says Burrets. “While there are natural ebbs and flows in friends' availability, good friends can be relied upon to consistently initiate and respond to communication.”

7. Set realistic expectations

Accept that all friendships have natural fluctuations. Expect times of closer connection and times of more distance, without it necessarily reflecting on the friendship's value or your worth as a friend, says Burrets.

How to deal with insecure friends

1. Maintain healthy boundaries

Balancing compassion and boundaries is crucial. "If you really love a friend who is insecure, the heart of your work will be to strike a balance between having compassion and grace, and setting and maintaining healthy boundaries,” says Burrets. It is our job to care about the emotional needs of the ones we love and to do what we can to cultivate security in our relationships. But it's not our job to fix other people's insecurity, especially if it means abandoning ourselves in the process."

"Something doesn't come from nothing. If you [or your friend] are experiencing feelings of insecurity, there's a reason why, and it's okay to talk to someone about this. You're not alone." —Jourdan Travers, LCSW, Clinical Director at Awake Therapy

While offering support is important, it's equally crucial to promote your friend's independence. Encourage them to pursue their interests and hobbies, which can boost their confidence and reduce their reliance on friendship for validation. Helping your friend find fulfillment outside of your relationship can alleviate some of their insecurities and lead to a healthier dynamic, says Burrets. This study⁴ on adult friendship and well-being found that efforts to maintain the friendship and provide support for a friend's autonomy are positively correlated with well-being, underscoring the importance of a balanced approach in fostering healthy relationships.

2. Practice open communication

When dealing with insecure feelings or noticing them in a friend, honest communication is key. Travers suggests checking in with the friend, “perhaps [by] sharing the observation that they don't seem to be acting like themselves,” she says. Clear and consistent communication can prevent misunderstandings that often fuel insecurity. Set expectations about how often you’ll communicate and what kind of support you can realistically provide, says Levine. This can help your friend feel more secure, knowing there are established norms within your relationship.

3. Encourage professional help when needed

It's important to understand that you can't solve all your friend's problems. For persistent feelings of insecurity or jealousy, professional help can be invaluable. "For those experiencing insecurity, it's essential to cultivate self-awareness to understand whether the insecurity is the result of a real imbalance of investment in the friendship, or whether deep-seated issues, unrelated to the friendship at hand, are creating the insecurity,” says Burrets. Therapy can provide tools and strategies for building more secure, fulfilling friendships, she says.

4. Offer reassurance and affirmation

Levine recommends periodically reminding your friend of their strengths and the reasons you value the friendship. "Try to listen to your friend's insecurities and offer reassurance, but don't allow them to perseverate [or prolong their feelings of insecurity]," she says. Affirming their positive qualities can help boost their confidence and reduce insecurity. Validating your friend's feelings is also crucial. Acknowledge their emotions by saying things like, "I understand that you're feeling left out, and I'm sorry you're feeling that way." This helps them feel heard and understood, according to Travers.

5. Be patient and supportive

Dealing with an insecure friend requires patience and understanding that insecurities often stem from deep-seated issues and won't be resolved overnight. Give your friend time to work through their feelings while providing steady support. At the same time, be aware of whether your patience with them is enabling unhealthy behavior, says Travers. Balance understanding with assertiveness to ensure that your friend's insecurities do not overshadow your own needs, and encourage your friend to seek help from a mental health professional who can better assist them in overcoming these friendship insecurities.

At what point do you cut off a friendship with an insecure friend?

Dealing with an insecure friend can be challenging, but sometimes, the friendship may turn toxic. Experts caution against making hasty decisions to end friendships. Travers advises exploring open and honest communication before considering cutting ties, as honest discussions can sometimes resolve underlying issues. However, Levine notes that if a friend's constant insecurity causes ongoing friction, "there may be little you can do." "If you truly want to keep the friendship, you might consider seeing the person less frequently or in smaller doses," she says.

Burrets suggests reflecting on a few key questions: “Does this friendship allow for personal growth and development? Am I more fulfilled because of this friendship, or does the negative impact on my emotional health outweigh the benefits?" If the friendship involves persistent patterns of manipulation, guilt-tripping, or control that doesn’t change despite being addressed, it may be time to end the friendship. Of course, ending a friendship is never a walk in the park, but preparing for the conversation can make it a little less daunting. Experts recommend having an open and honest conversation and using "I" statements to share your feelings without pointing fingers. Once the friendship has come to a close, give yourself time to grieve—lean on other friends, family, or a therapist for support—and remember that insecurities in a friendship are completely natural, advises Burrets.

“Something doesn't come from nothing,” Travers reminds us. “If you [or your friend] are experiencing feelings of insecurity, there's a reason why, and it's okay to talk to someone about this. You're not alone."