With a steady drumbeat of “hold my beer” moments coming out of DC, political memes sending up whatever insane thing happened each day are just not funny anymore. That well has run so dry, it’s now somehow magnetically yanking tears out of my eyeballs on a regular basis. And while a good cry is cathartic, a good laugh is even better.
What is funny these days, though? Astrology. (Ira Glass voice: Stay with us…)
In terms of small-talk fodder, astrology is the new celeb magazine.
For those who know their way around a new moon and a rising sign, the Zodiac has become the lingua franca for sick burns. Or props. Or just a way to bond with your coworker, your family members, or a seat mate on a plane. In terms of small-talk fodder, astrology is the new celeb magazine.
Instead of talking about how stars are just like us, we’re tracking the real stars to see what (maybe, just maybe) is going to happen to us. And a few Zodiac pros are bringing the funny (and the thoughtful) on a daily basis, straight to your smartphone.
Here’s your guide to the must-follow astro accounts that are making the internet fun again.
Astro Poets
Crush: I love to travel
Aries: pic.twitter.com/zdflpTJEjz
Warning: You’ll have to give Instagram a rest for this duo, because they’re Twitter-only. But worth it. These memes have themes—like the “first date” posts (“Capricorn: We are a perfect match, let me dominate you. Sagittarius: It’s so hot that you’re such a liar, I’m down.”) And they put up Zodiac roundups on specific topics, assigning sun signs to American cities, Lorde songs, Troye Sivan songs, you name it. And yeah, “Bloom” is such a Leo.
Chani Nicholas
Known for bringing social justice to astrology, Nicholas also can also pony up the lulz. (This “Cancer on a date” post is all too real for us July babies.) She often uses humor to hit on larger (sometimes painful) truths, in a way that’s uniquely memorable. I gotta say, this holiday-themed post (“Me being emotionally available at family gatherings“) pops up in my brain all the time. And best of all, Nicholas is about way more than jokes—she’s not afraid to get serious with a quote that’ll power you through your day, like: “Care is revolutionary. Love is disruptive. Connection erodes injustice.”
Booty Zodiac
Yes, “booty” is in the title, but this IG isn’t just about sex—although they can pull off advanced-level BDE analysis, as the post above shows. Go to Booty Zodiac for deep thoughts that take astro-talk into new realms, like the signs as nostalgic items (for Pisces, it’s MS Paint) or as well-known works of art (Scorpio, Leo, and Aquarius = Michelangelo’s David).
Jake’s Astrology
Come to Jake for the memes you’d think that Booty Zodiac would have. In other words, sharing some of these at work is a no-no. And you probably won’t want to recommend this Instagram to your mom. But it is funny. A few TMI examples (you were warned): His take on a “romantic Scorpio,” “hoe astrology,” and the Pisces mantra.
In addition to your horoscope, are you keeping up with our monthly energy forecasts from “RockStar Shaman” Alyson Charles? (Hint: September’s spirit animals are the hawk and the butterfly.)
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