Lifestyle

A financial therapist’s take on the guilt you feel after making impulse purchases

Made a lot of impulse buys over the weekend and now you're feeling super guilty? A financial therapist unpacks why and how to deal.

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Photo: Getty Images/Vera Kandybovich/EyeEm
Published Dec 3, 2019

Written by 

Mary Grace Garis

As of late, my road to happiness seems to be paved with impulse buys. Between velvet dresses, festive earrings, and a million-ish lavender lattes, I can’t seem to escape a single day without frivolously swiping my card. This streak of retail therapy isn’t sending me into a spiral of crushing debt, yet I still often feel a sense of guilt linger in the aftermath of my impulse buys.

But why is it such a common experience to punish ourselves for choosing to spend any amount of money on products for ourselves that we want but definitely don’t need? “We might feel guilt and shame around these types of purchases because we see ourselves putting our money toward more impulsive desires, leaving long-term goals undermined and shortchanged,” says financial therapist and Prudential’s Financial Wellness Advocate Amanda Clayman. “In the calculus of life happiness, we believe that we would be happier—or at least less anxious—if we had more money in savings or invested for the future.”

The other side of this is that our shame often reflects a sense of discomfort with facing the emotional needs we aim to satisfy in the present with our purchases. “But the truth is, being too restrictive and too judgmental of our needs and feelings can actually make us more inclined to act impulsively and with less self-control,” Clayman says. “For example, I use the concept of a ‘dissociative splurge’ to explain to clients what’s happening when they go into a spending experience and the brakes just fall off.”

With the holiday season (for us and capitalism) upon us, now is a great time to take note of dissociative splurges. Like, when you’re stressed and buy a bunch of nonsense just because it’s on sale. Or if you stroll into Target planning to get one thing—which LOL, adorable—and leave with giant bags and a sad bank account.

“Sometimes we feel guilt because we think those kinds of decisions aren’t consistent with the way we see ourselves.” —Amanda Clayman, financial therapist

The key here is to look at spending behavior in context and go through the numbers. It’s not objectively bad if you feel compelled to buy yourself a $70 sea-glass-green dress from Urban Outfitters even though you only kind of like it. It’s only bad if this spending becomes destructive yourself, your goals, objectives, and obligations.

If you’re on track with your savings goal, and the spending isn’t causing any clear issues in your life, then the guilt you feel might be an issue to investigate within yourself. “Sometimes we feel guilt because we think those kinds of decisions aren’t consistent with the way we see ourselves—as goal-achievers, as responsible, as self-disciplined, and so on,” says Clayman. “But we don’t really know until we see what options we forfeit when we make other decisions.”

That being said, if you want to mitigate spend guilt and have a healthier relationship with money, Clayman says a having a budget and a plan can help. “If basic safety and stability needs are met, it is critical for our emotional-financial health that we consciously put resources toward self care,” she says. “This is where the transformation to our relationship with money actually happens. When we allocate money for our own comfort, enjoyment, self-expression, growth, this creates a powerful shift in combating the shame that many of us were conditioned to feel in response to our needs.”

A good place to start when it comes to saving for impulse buys? A Fun and BS account. And here’s how to use the 80-20 ratio for financial wellness, no matter how much money you have.

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LifestyleMindfulness

What Would You Tell Your Younger Self? The Power of Narrative Therapy

Psychologists say reflecting on and writing down your life experiences has unexpected mental health benefits

An older woman and younger women are seen running on a beach.
Stocksy / BONNINSTUDIO
Published Feb 20, 2025

Written by 

Hannah Yasharoff

What would you tell your younger self? And how would you reflect on your life so far?

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There's a new TikTok trend, inspired by a poem by writer Jennae Cecelia, where creators imagine they just got coffee with their younger selves. Each "version" takes turns expressing how they feel at their point in life. The younger version leaves the coffee date feeling the support and love they perhaps didn't have earlier, and the older version comes away with more clarity on how much they’ve grown, persevered, and learned.

"[My younger self] said she always felt like she made the wrong decision," wrote creator @hello.kelsie in a TikTok video that has amassed nearly two million views. "I told her I [now] never second-guessed myself." 

Even Barbara Corcoran got in on the TikTok trend, looking back on how she went from “scared” waitress to fearless real estate mogul. 

It may feel like a silly premise, but the trend actually mirrors a rising therapeutic technique: narrative therapy, which involves lots of self-reflection and putting on your creative writing cap.

The concept? Physically writing down your experiences or sharing stories of what happened in your life can help you break out of negative thought patterns, stereotypes, and other societal messaging. 

"The stories we tell ourselves can become self-fulfilling prophecies," therapist Jordan Madison, LCMFT, tells Well+Good. Narrative therapy is all about looking at the big picture from an outsider's perspective, which can help keep you from internalizing problems or focusing only on the negative. If you understand the story of your own life, you can better figure out how to rewrite the next chapter to your liking. 

Author your life story

There's some research to back up the benefits of narrative therapy. One study published in The Journal of Positive Psychology explored how a person's storytelling skills are related to their sense of meaning in life. Through a series of surveys, researchers found that across the board, test subjects who were dubbed better storytellers (by themselves, strangers, and those close to them) also had a stronger sense of purpose, meaning, and growth. 

Christine Pride, a longtime memoir publisher and author of the upcoming novel All the Men I’ve Loved Again, understands the power of someone writing down their story—both for the author and the readers. Pride jokes that she sometimes feels like a writer's therapist as they're working on a memoir together. And though being an author isn't quite the same as booking an appointment with a licensed professional, the steps of journaling for your mental health and writing a memoir for public consumption might be more similar than you'd think.

"There's a lot of personal writing that can be really helpful and therapeutic," Pride says, citing things like morning pages or writing letters you never intend to send in order to help yourself make sense of what you experienced. 

In narrative therapy, it's also helpful to get everything off your chest via journaling before pulling back to notice which storylines keep popping up. After that, there's something to be said for pretending to be an outside observer, reading someone else's story. What unhelpful thought patterns do you keep seeing?

"Reframing and noticing patterns are huge tools in boosting your mental health," Madison says. “When you realize patterns you’re participating in, and that you have the power to change them, it helps you to feel less stuck and work on small habits and changes in thoughts and behaviors to do things differently." 

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How to try narrative therapy techniques for yourself

So you're intrigued by the concept of narrative therapy—what's next? Book that coffee date, buy your younger self that Frappuccino they love, and get reflecting. (And, of course, you can also book an appointment with a licensed mental health professional who can help you work through your thoughts.) If you're flying solo, try these expert-approved tips to get started:

Ask yourself the right questions
When journaling, it may help to have specific prompts to guide you. Madison recommends implementing the following questions as you reflect: 

  • What is the narrative I have about this situation? 
  • How does this story affect my thoughts, emotions, and behaviors? 
  • Who are the characters in this story, and what are the roles they play? 
  • When was the first time I created this story, and what situation made it develop? 
  • What events or experiences contributed to this narrative? 
  • Have there been times when this story wasn't true? 
  • What is a more empowering narrative I can begin to tell myself instead?

Write like nobody will read it 
While editing memoirs, Pride sometimes notices writers holding back the real emotional crux of their story because they're worried about how those close to them might react. Whether you're writing for yourself or an audience, you won't find the true meaning of your story until you're 100% honest with yourself. 

"You can't write your story honestly if you're censoring yourself along the way based on fearing what your mom or cousin is going to say about it," she says. 

(However, if you're actually publishing your life story, those close to you are going to have opinions, which you may need to mentally prepare for.) 

Don't expect to fix everything right away
Writing the story of your life will take some time. Pride says that not only is that OK, but it's actually beneficial. More time means you might better understand the full arc of your story. 

"You have to have distance," Pride says. "I tell people they can't really be objective without some distance, and sometimes that distance equates to time."

When you hug your younger self goodbye at the end of your coffee date, promise to keep in touch—the more you two get to know each other, the better you'll feel in the long run. 

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LifestyleRelationships

How to Use AI In the Bedroom For a More Satisfying Sex Life

With AI doing all the grunt work for you, no more excuses for putting connection on the back burner.

Two people's legs touch under a table as they work on their laptops.
Stocksy / French Anderson Ltd
Published Feb 19, 2025

Written by 

Jaime Osnato

AI is officially making its way between the sheets. From spicing up foreplay to unlocking new fantasies, couples are tapping into tech to level up their love lives. So, if your bedroom routine could use a refresh, why not let a little artificial intelligence lend a hand? (Or, you know, suggest where hands should go.) Let’s dive into how AI can turn up the heat—and keep the connection strong—while keeping things safe and consensual. 

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How AI can enhance intimacy

AI isn’t just for writing emails or planning your grocery list—it can also help shake things up in the bedroom. Think of it as “your relationship coach, intimacy wingman, and communication guru all rolled into one,” says Kate Balestrieri, certified sex therapist and author of What Happened to My Sex Life: A Sex Therapist’s Guide to Reclaiming Lost Desire, Connection and Pleasure. Here’s how AI can take your love life to the next level:

Improve communication skills
Let’s be honest—talking about sex can be awkward. Balestrieri says AI can help break the ice by suggesting open-ended questions and conversation prompts to deepen intimacy, explore fantasies, and set boundaries. 

If your relationship has mismatched communication styles or differing desire levels (which is super common), AI can help bridge that gap by analyzing interaction patterns and flagging potential stressors before they impact your connection, adds Nico Velotta, relationship scientist and head of relationship research at Arya, an intimacy coaching app and subscription box.

Our erotic needs tend to fall into four categories, says Velotta. Romantics crave emotional connection; adventurers seek novelty; directors prioritize straightforward, frequent intimacy; and connectors thrive on sensual touch. AI can help translate needs between partners, making sure no one feels left out or misunderstood.

Boost confidence and reduce sexual anxiety
Sex can be vulnerable, and self-doubt is often a mood killer. Balestrieri says that AI-powered apps can offer personalized feedback to help you feel more self-assured—whether it’s improving body language, refining dirty talk, or learning new techniques. The result? More confidence, better chemistry, and way more fun.

If overthinking kills the mood, AI can be your chill pill. It can guide you through mindfulness exercises, breathing techniques, and even virtual scenarios to help you relax and stay present during intimacy. Less stress, more pleasure—sounds like a win.

Become more attuned to your partner
Ever wish you could just know what your partner needs in the moment? AI-powered devices that sync biometric data—like heart rate or arousal levels—can help you tune into each other’s rhythms, making it easier to connect physically and emotionally, Balestrieri says. For example, you and your partner can use wearables like the Oura ring to track biometrics and share each other’s data, so you know exactly when you're primed for pleasure. Think of it as a high-tech way to get on the same wavelength.

Help rebuild trust
Got trust issues? AI offers structured exercises designed to help couples reconnect. While it’s no substitute for therapy, AI-powered intimacy tools have been shown to help couples regain confidence in their relationship and deepen eroticism, Velotta says. The goal isn’t to replace human intuition but to improve it—helping partners recognize and act on opportunities for more connection. 

Reduce the mental load
Let’s face it: life is hectic, and the mental load of daily responsibilities can make intimacy feel like just another task on your to-do list. AI can help take some of that weight off by handling logistics—tracking schedules, suggesting ideal date nights, and even curating personalized intimacy experiences.

And intimacy isn’t just about sex. According to Arya’s intimacy study, one-third of people want more romance, sensuality, and quality time together—not just more action between the sheets. AI can help with the full spectrum of connection, from emotional bonding to physical play, all at a pace that works for both of you.

Ways to use AI in the bedroom

So, how do you put AI to work in the boudoir? Here are some fun, practical ways to spice things up:

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1. Shake up your routine
Are you bored of the same old moves? You’re not alone. According to an intimacy study conducted by Arya, 75% of couples feel more connected after trying something new together. AI can suggest personalized intimacy activities based on your erotic persona—whether you’re an adventurer looking to try something new or a romantic craving a deeper emotional connection.

Got mismatched libidos? Happens all the time. AI can offer personalized conversation starters and intimacy-building exercises to help bridge the gap. The best part? It can adapt to your comfort level, making exploration feel natural, not forced.

2.  Elevate foreplay
Who says foreplay has to start in the bedroom? Build anticipation with AI-powered sexting prompts, curated playlists, or daily flirty challenges. 

3. Upgrade your dirty talk
If you love the idea of dirty talk but freeze up when it’s time to deliver, AI can generate spicy lines tailored to your (and your partner’s) comfort level. For example, Slutbot is a no-judgment zone to level up your sexting and unleash your wildest fantasies.

4. Explore erotic fantasies together
AI platforms can help you co-create erotic stories, giving you a safe space to explore fantasies without pressure, Balestrieri says. You can even use AI-generated scripts to roleplay new scenarios together.

5. Get a sex-ed refresh
Let’s be honest: most of us didn’t get the best sex education. AI chatbots or apps can provide accurate, up-to-date info on anatomy, techniques, and pleasure—all from the comfort of your home. The online platform Beducated even gives you a personal AI sex-ed coach to answer all of your questions.

6. Debrief and strengthen your connection
After intimacy, AI can help you reflect on what worked (and what didn’t) through guided prompts to strengthen communication and deepen your connection (and pleasure) over time, Balestrieri says.

Using AI responsibly

When AI meets intimacy, things can get complicated. For one, privacy is non-negotiable. “Intimate details require maximum protection—period,” says Velotta. Stick to reputable apps with strong encryption and clear privacy policies to keep your data secure, adds Balestrieri.

Consent is just as crucial. Both partners must agree on usage, boundaries, and expectations—no exceptions, Velotta stresses. 

Bias is another red flag. “AI is only as good as the data it’s trained on,” says Balestrieri. Many systems exclude different identities, orientations, and preferences. If suggestions feel off, the platform may not be built with you in mind—so seek inclusive options. And while AI can offer ideas, it can’t predict real-life intimacy. Human connection is messy, Balestrieri says. Mood, miscommunication, or an off day can derail even the best AI-generated plan.

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Finally, beware of emotional dependence. AI can feel eerily “understanding,” but it’s not a real relationship. If AI is replacing human connection, step back and reassess, suggests Balestrieri. 

The bottom line

AI won’t replace human intuition, but it can enhance it—helping you and your partner communicate better, explore new dimensions of intimacy, and build a stronger bond. “It's about using AI strategically to enhance what makes relationships fundamentally human— understanding, growth, and connection,” Velotta says.

If you and your partner are on board, why not give it a try? Your future self (and partner) will thank you.

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