Exactly what to do when you need an appointment with the therapist you ghosted
If you've ever ghosted your therapist, you're not alone. Here, a pro breaks down why this can happen, lead to anxiety about therapy, and what to do next.
Exactly what to do when you need an appointment with the therapist you ghosted
If you've ever ghosted your therapist, you're not alone. Here, a pro breaks down why this can happen, lead to anxiety about therapy, and what to do next.
“Why are you the way that you are?” is a Michael Scott-ism that I ask myself almost every day. Usually it’s because I’m doing something like ordering tacos for the third night in a row (instead of cooking my fresh groceries) or binge-watching Love Island (instead of, oh, I don’t know, reading a book). But the other week, it was because I was facing crippling anxiety about therapy, because I had essentially ghosted my therapist and needed to make an appointment.
I was way overdue for a visit at this point and needed to see my psychiatrist because I had run out of refills on my anxiety medications, thus perpetuating said anxiety. Beyond that big-deal reason for my anxiety uptick, though, I worried he would judge me, or tell me to find someone else out of frustration for my lack of compliance, or straight up just not respond to my request for an appointment. I wondered if I might be better off just seeing someone new, but didn’t really want to go that route, because finding a mental-health professional who fits your needs is hard, and I really liked this one.
Well, one thing I had going for me is being in good company because therapist-ghosting is actually relatively common. Psychologist Laura Athey-Lloyd, PsyD, notes that studies and meta-analyses have found, repeatedly, that premature therapy dropout happens often. “The reasons for ghosting vary based on when in the therapy the ghosting takes place,” she says.
If someone ghosts after the initial intake call (so never makes it to the first actual session), for instance, they were probably ambivalent about starting therapy and were embarrassed to admit that they felt anxious about it. “Ghosting after a first session may have more to do with a mismatch between client and therapist,” Dr. Athey-Lloyd adds. “Some therapists may be experienced as too pushy, asking too many questions, or delving too deeply too soon. Other therapists may be experienced as too passive, not asking enough questions, and [being] unhelpful. The way a client perceives a therapist is so individual and may have as much to do with a client’s interpersonal history as with the therapist’s actual style.”
“This often occurs in the context of a positive relationship, but one where the therapist is not asking, ‘How is this working for you? Are we meeting your goals? Is this still feeling helpful?'” —Laura Athey-Lloyd, PsyD
And then there are those, like me, who ghost after months—or even years—of regular appointments. “These clients usually report that they loved their therapist and benefited greatly from the therapy (hence why they stuck around), but felt anxious bringing up directly that they were ready for a break, for either financial or personal reasons,” Dr. Athey-Lloyd says. “This often occurs in the context of a very close and positive working relationship, but one where the therapist is not asking questions like, ‘How is this working for you? Are we meeting your goals? Is this still feeling helpful?'”
So, to address my specific fears and anxiety about therapy ghosting, I asked what the pros tend to think when it happens. For Dr. Athey-Lloyd, it’s mostly just concern for the patient’s well-being and regret about missing out on closure. “When a client is proactive in telling me that they wish to end therapy, we usually plan one more session to review their progress as a whole. That final session is always such a powerful experience, and clients leave feeling very proud of themselves. It’s a shame to miss that opportunity,” she says.
And then, as if it’s my lucky day, she tells me exactly what I want to hear regarding my anxiety about therapy ghosting. “I would love to reassure anyone who feels this way that this happens all the time. I’ve had many former clients who left, either through ghosting or by way of a planned ending, who return, sometimes years later,” Dr. Athey-Lloyd says. “I am always happy to see them again, curious to hear about what’s been going on in their lives in the meantime, and eager to jump right in to help with whatever is coming up in the present.”
So, if you’ve ghosted your therapist and want to go back? “Don’t let awkward feelings about how things ended stop you from resuming a former therapy relationship that was helpful. It’s likely to be helpful again, and you won’t have to start over from the beginning,” Dr. Athey-Lloyd says. And if it’s not working and you don’t want to go back, it’s okay to let them know that as well. Remember, this is a professional relationship with the express purpose to offer a service to you, the patient. And, you know yourself best.
Our editors independently select these products. Making a purchase through our links may earn Well+Good a commission
If you’ve ever left the house without your phone, you know how naked it can make you feel in those moments before you race back to reclaim your screen. But you’re not the only one experiencing phone dependency: One survey found that we spend up to 40 hours a week on our phones, and 40 percent of adults say they’re online almost constantly, per the Pew Research Center. Does that number surprise you? Then you may be one of those people wondering if it’s a good idea to spend less time on your phone. Enter Phone-Free February.
clinical psychologist and co-host of the Mind In View podcast
advertisement
This nonprofit campaign encourages people to use their screens less for 28 days, with the ultimate goal of interacting more with the real world. Doing Phone-Free February doesn’t mean you have to completely ditch your phone—that would be impossible for most people with jobs, anyway. But it encourages being on screens less. Here’s what the challenge involves, plus why psychologists say this trend is actually worth considering.
What is Phone-Free February, anyway?
Phone-Free February is a campaign that was co-created by the Global Solidarity Foundation, a nonprofit organization that focuses on social issues like climate justice, smartphone usage, and sustainability. Phone-Free February kicks off on February 1 and lasts for the entire month.
The overarching goal is to “promote healthier smartphone use by challenging you to go without your phone for the month of February,” according to the Phone-Free February website. Participants can choose from two levels: PhoneFlex, which challenges followers to use their phones less and be mindful about their usage, and Phone-Free, which involves putting your phone in a box for a month. (FYI, the creators of Phone-Free February admit on the challenge’s website that this second category is “radical” and “advanced.”)
If you want to do Phone-Free February the way the challenge was intended, you’ll need to sign up for a level online. But technically, you can just try to spend the month of February being more mindful about your phone usage.
Benefits of reducing your screen time
There is a lot of data to show that our phone usage isn’t exactly healthy. That said, lowering your screen time can offer some useful benefits.
Lowers risk of health conditions
Research shows that excessive screen time is linked with a higher risk of obesity, mental health concerns like anxiety and depression, and sleep complications. And unfortunately, obesity, mental health conditions, and sleep issues can all be related. “If you’re on your phone and scrolling, you usually don’t realize that you’re mindlessly snacking,” says Jaime Zuckerman, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist based in Pennsylvania.
advertisement
Eating more than your body needs can raise your risk of obesity, obesity can then cause sleep disorders like sleep apnea, and not getting enough sleep can worsen your mental health. See the cycle? Cutting back on your screen usage can lower your risk of these health conditions and improve your overall quality of life. “Less screen time could improve your weight and, ultimately, your health,” Dr. Zuckerman adds.
Increases self-awareness
Less time for the phone = more time for you. “A big pro is that you can allow yourself to be with your thoughts when you’re not on your phone,” says Thea Gallagher, PsyD, a clinical assistant professor at NYU Langone Health and a cohost of the Mind in View podcast. “That can be powerful, and you can get to know yourself, building self-awareness of your thoughts, feelings, creative urges, dreams, and imagination.”
Improves relationships
Could your phone affect your relationships? Turns out, yes. Going screenless may also improve your relationships, says psychologist John Mayer, Ph.D., author of Family Fit: Find Your Balance in Life. “I have seen so many relationships being poisoned by one or both partners spending inordinate amounts of time on their phone and not engaging in conversation and activities with their partner,” he says. Without the excess phone usage, you may get some time back to spend with your loved ones and see them beyond the screen.
Boosts mental health
Limiting screen time also means you’re likely to be on social media less—and that can give your mental health a boost, Dr. Zuckerman says.“It reduces the self-comparison that people tend to do on social media and can improve your self-image,” she explains.
Aaron P. Brinen, PsyD, assistant professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Vanderbilt University Medical Center, agrees that a lot of phone use is tied to social media. “Many of the things we are doing are algorithm-based,” he says. “Essentially it’s a digital slot machine. Just like any type of behavior on a reinforcement schedule, it’s good to step away. If you’re in Vegas, there’s value in stepping away from the gambling tables. ”When you can make intentional time to take a break, Brinen says you’ll likely notice that your anxiety goes down.
Allows you to become more present
Overall, Dr. Gallagher says that spending less time on your phone allows you to be more present in everyday life. “Phones have a tendency to pull us out of the moment,” she says. “When you remove that, you’re allowing yourself to focus on the people in your life and what’s happening around you.”
advertisement
How to spend less time on your phone
Experts say there are a few things you can do to make it easier to spend less time on your phone. Consider these tips:
Curb your app use: Disabling push notifications for apps you don’t need, like social media platforms, can go a long way. You can even delete the apps if you have trouble controlling your use, Dr. Gallagher says. “There are timers and reminders on the phones—you can use them,” Dr. Brinen adds. (He points out that he has a timer on his phone for YouTube and has found it to help limit his use.) Apps that limit screen time are also something you can try if the feature isn’t already embedded in your phone.
Designate screen-free times during the day: Dr. Gallagher suggests setting aside time when your phone is put away, like from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. (You can also hide your apps from your phone during certain times of the day, Dr. Brinen explains.) The best time frame to choose is ultimately what fits best with your work and home life schedule. If you’re a heavy phone user, Dr. Gallagher suggests going slow. “Start with 20 minutes, then 30 minutes, and note how you feel before and after,” she says. “It can give you an opportunity to see that those breaks are possible and beneficial.”
Put your phone to “bed” for the night: Many people use their phone as an alarm, but you don’t have to go this route. Instead, consider investing in an analog alarm clock and putting your phone away in another room for the night at a designated time, like an hour or half hour before you plan to go to sleep. If you’re worried about getting a call about a family emergency, you can put your phone on “do not disturb” but allow certain contacts to still get through.
Don’t feel the need to respond immediately: “A lot of us feel like we have to respond right away if somebody texts us,” Dr. Gallagher explains. “But you don’t have to do that.” Instead, she suggests setting a new precedent with yourself where you only respond to texts within a certain window of time or simply don’t feel pressure to get back to people right away. “People should not feel like they need to be constantly contactable,” she says.
What to do when you’re not on your phone
Have the health benefits of reducing screen time convinced you to try the challenge? We’re rooting for you! But, going without a phone (for short or long periods of time) can still be challenging in this day of age. If you’re seeking ideas of what to do with the newly-founded time in your schedule, look no further. Here’s what our experts recommend to maximize your screenless time:
Focus on things you enjoy: If you have certain hobbies in place already, Dr. Zuckerman recommends focusing on them more. But she also stresses that you don’t need to spend time doing something during your screenless time because you feel obligated to do it. “If exercising isn’t something you enjoy, don’t do it during that time,” she says. “You have to make sure these are things you enjoy.”
Try to spend time outside:Research has linked outdoor time to better mental health, but Dr. Zuckerman says it’s important to get out in a way that feels natural to you. “You don’t need to go on a hike,” she says. “You can just sit on a bench during a lunch break or take a quick walk outside.”
Have conversations with other people: It sounds simple, but Dr. Gallagher explains that you’ll be surprised at how much better conversations flow when you’re not distracted by your phone. Dr. Mayer agrees. “Talk to your partner, your kids. Let’s get back to good conversations,” he adds.
Start reading: It’s not for everyone, but Dr. Gallagher points out that reading a good book can be a nice substitution for time you would have otherwise spent scrolling. Don’t love books? Try a magazine, comic book, or poetry. Reading shouldn’t be a chore, so find something that actually piques your interest.
Spend time with your thoughts: You don’t have to be doing something, physically or mentally, at all hours of the day, Dr. Gallagher says. Taking time to sit, think, and reflect can help you become more mindful and maybe even learn a few things about yourself along the way.
The bottom line
Phone-Free February challenges you to be more mindful about your phone usage. If you feel like you’re probably picking up your phone too often or doomscrolling even though you didn’t even want to, you’re not alone. But, here’s your chance to be more proactive about your habits.
Doing your best to cut down on your screen time can help boost your mental and physical health, and even improve your relationships with loved ones. Just be honest with yourself about when you need to use your phone, and when you don’t, and take things from there. It’s not always easy to give up the devices in our technology-driven world, but be kind to yourself and don’t judge too hard if you still need to be on your phone from time to time. When in doubt, remember what Dr. Gallagher says: “Have compassion for yourself.”
Sign Up for Our Daily Newsletter
Get all the latest in wellness, trends, food, fitness, beauty, and more delivered right to your inbox.
