Why Do We ‘Gatekeep’ Our Favorite Things? Experts Explain the Urge

There’s a beautiful public garden in my city that I love to visit. A while back, I decided to post a TikTok video about it so that others could enjoy it, too. (Spoiler alert: it didn’t exactly go viral.) But not all of my viewers were thrilled. “Don’t say the name,” commenters warned, presumably to ensure it didn’t get too popular. As it turns out, many people want to keep things exclusive. The concept of “gatekeeping” refers to when people try to safeguard who has access to their favorite things—be it a location, product, or social community. Basically, think of all those times when people refuse to tell you where they got a chic sweater or which perfume they’re wearing.

“Gatekeepers decide who does or does not have access or rights to a particular community or identity, which can lead to exclusivity and the reinforcement of social hierarchies,” therapist Cheralyn Leeby, PhD, LMFT, tells Well+Good.

In an increasingly global world, what propels the need to gatekeep? Is the rise of influencer culture to blame? Are we nervous our favorite things will become too accessible? Psychology and sociology experts explain these are part of the discussion, but not the whole story.

Why do people hoard the things they love? 

Whether you’re an influencer or an average Joe interacting with the people around you, the urge to gatekeep may be fueled by a scarcity mindset. That’s when a person fears that they may lose or be lacking in something, even if that something seems frivolous. Like, you know, a pair of shoes.

For people who constantly worry or focus that they’ll never have enough, gatekeeping a product that someone else doesn’t have can be a form of social currency—a way to signal that they’re “special” or in the know. That perfume or footwear is the unique thing that differentiates them from the crowd. And they might not be ready to give that up.

“Like hoarding, gatekeeping has conscious and unconscious psychological roots,” Leeby says. “Consciously, the gatekeeper may fear that if they share, there will not be a seat at the table or enough of the goods for themselves in the future.”

How to work past the urge to gatekeep

Sometimes, gatekeeping involves a person on the street being stingy about telling you where they got their shirt. What do they have to lose?

In those cases, it might be a sign for that person to do some self-reflection, Leeby argues. That’s right: It might be time to assess why they believe they can’t share it. An urge to gatekeep might stem from a past wound or insecurity that continues to call the shots subconsciously.

“Gatekeeping and other fear-based behaviors are like gold to the soul,” Leeby says. “They provide us with rich opportunities to inquire within.” When we acknowledge our insecurities, we take the first step towards better understanding our needs and hopefully finding more peace.

If you find yourself hesitant to tell your coworker about the great restaurant you went to last night or to disclose your new couch brand, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not otherwise a kind, generous person, she adds. But it calls for taking time for “detective work”—some self-reflection.

“We can use our tendencies towards hoarding or gatekeeping as an entry into what areas still need psychological healing,” Leeby says. Trace the trigger back to the first time you thought something “special” lost its appeal. What happened? “With this awareness in the present, I can rationally and quickly work through that old pain. I can find ways to assure myself that I am worthy and special in the here and now.”

OK, but why are so many people gatekeeping online? 

Sometimes, it might seem like gatekeeping has been taken to a whole new level on social media, where even influencers refuse to share their faves. In fact, digital sociologists argue that there are some legitimate reasons why someone might choose to gatekeep online.

When it comes to influencers, the rise of TikTok Shop and other affiliate platforms such as LTK and Amazon allow certain individuals to make commissions based on the products they promote. While this would theoretically disincentivize gatekeeping, these experts posit that it is a major reason some creators choose not to disclose where they got something. If, for whatever reason, they can’t make a commission off that particular product, they don’t want to go advertising it for free.

Internet gatekeepers are also concerned about volume. If a post about a local coffee shop goes viral, it could become so packed that the creator who posted about it can’t go back anymore.

“[It] has the potential to create a literal avalanche of visitors,” says digital sociologist Julie Albright, PhD. “Long lines outside can ruin the exclusivity or charm of a place, which is what drew the person to the place in the first place.”

But for the rest of us, we’re not going to single-handedly ruin any of our favorite things by telling our Instagram followers about it. Perhaps we fear sharing our fab taste because the internet can feel so vast, so impersonal (and maybe we have a few followers whom we barely know). We can do better once we remind ourselves that those thoughts come from a place of fear, not reality.

“The mind of the wound is not the same as our rational mind,” Leeby says. “This is an opportunity to bring the unconscious into consciousness.”

You’re not a bad person if you’re wary of sharing recommendations with others. But the next time you catch yourself worrying that a TikTok with 200 views is going to overrun your local public garden with hordes of visitors, it might be worth taking some time to reflect on what you’re really worried about.