Good News, Haters: Holding a Grudge Can Actually Be Good for You

Forgive and forget. Let go and move on. Take the high road, no matter how low your enemies go. We’ve all heard at least one version of this advice so often that it’s been reduced to tired cliches. Since childhood, we’re taught that holding on to grudges isn't the right thing to do, no matter the gravity of someone else's wrongdoing.

But these days, there seems to be nothing more healing than being a hater. Enter Kendrick Lamar, for example, whose long-standing feud with Drake culminated in a historic Super Bowl performance and a sweep at the 2025 Grammy Awards. His dedication to taking his target down, and the enjoyment we derive from watching him, has us wondering this important question.

While we all can’t produce hit singles that spark global conversations, is there any good that can come from withholding forgiveness in our own relationships?

Fun fact: forgiveness isn’t our default response

From an evolutionary psychology standpoint, holding grudges is a survival mechanism that’s been hardwired into our systems. “In ancestral environments, trust and cooperation were crucial for group survival. If someone wronged us, latching onto that memory helped ensure we wouldn’t be easily exploited again,” explains Joseph Trunzo, PhD, associate director of the School of Health and Behavioral Sciences at Bryant University.

The science behind this involves our emotional processing systems, especially the amygdala and prefrontal cortex, which are in charge of fear and threat detection and decision-making, respectively. Both of these parts in the brain may struggle to regulate the intensity of emotions we feel after being wronged, which can cause these instances to carry more weight.

“When we look at cognitive psychology, there’s this concept called the negativity bias, where our brains prioritize negative situations because they may carry important information about danger or betrayal,” Dr. Trunzo explains. Following this logic, letting go of negative feelings too quickly may put us at risk of a repeat offense. So contrary to what our elders espouse, instant forgiveness might *not* be as beneficial as we think.

Holding grudges can *actually* do us good

Rather than letting them go immediately, really sitting with our grudges invites us to reevaluate what lessons we can extract from the experience. “It’s so easy to remain where we are, to remain in the comfort of our discomfort. But reflecting on our grievances allows us to listen to our unresolved emotions and live in a state of understanding,” says Birgitta Visser, divine channel, Reiki Master, and CEO and founder of Power Soul Healing. 

According to Visser, some questions that you might wonder when you're reflecting on these grudges can include:

• How did this person’s actions trigger me?
• What kind of feelings did it bring to the surface?
• What does my response say about my values, hopes, needs, and priorities?
• Is it possible that these people are mirroring their own unresolved issues back to me?

With an expanded understanding comes the chance to establish healthy boundaries: “Rather than being run over by a relentless cart truck and remaining the welcome mat, [holding grudges] allows us to acknowledge what we felt, stand up for ourselves, and refuse to be mistreated,” Visser explains. It’s putting our foot down, sending a statement of what we will and will not tolerate, and distancing ourselves from those who hurt us for as long as we need to.

On a more macro scale, the resulting anger and resentment can be channeled into productive, creative pursuits. One study showed that people who were angry produced more original ideas during a brainstorming session than participants who were in a sad or neutral state.¹ The study reads: “Creativity is the product of two separate cognitive processes: persistence and flexibility. As an energizing emotion, anger encourages persistence in the short term and also promotes unstructured thinking.”

Psychologist and mental health expert Adi Jaffe, PhD, notes Kendrick Lamar (once again) as a perfect case study. “His music channels personal and generational pain into music that inspires growth and catharsis and also sparks cultural conversations.” As seen in his halftime show, Lamar's feud with Drake served as an effective introduction to the racial disparities, dehumanization, and divisiveness that define modern-day America. “Truly, the difference between a grudge that holds you back and one that fuels your growth is just how you choose to process it.”

How to keep grudges healthy

Any grudge, no matter how constructive, has the potential to turn corrosive over time. A tell-tale sign from Dr. Trunzo is when it starts to consume mental and emotional energy in the long term. “This could mean chronic stress, rumination, anxiety, and any negative effects on well-being that can stem from these problems, such as high blood pressure or reduced immune function,” he warns. “Another issue would be if these lead to isolation or prevent reconciliation, negatively affecting our existing relationships.”

Hyperfixating on our grudges can ultimately hinder our personal growth, trapping us in a victim mindset. The worst part is that while we remain stuck in the past, those who have wronged us may be living unencumbered by the consequences of their actions.

Should you find yourself stuck in self-destructive patterns, Dr. Jaffe affirms that it’s possible to move forward without forcing yourself to forgive. “Simply recognizing how you feel is step one. Acknowledge the pain without judgment. You don’t have to justify it or rush to move on.” He also suggests detaching from the person, but not the lesson. “We’re not trying to let them off the hook here. We’re just making sure that they can’t control your emotional energy anymore.”

Visser also stresses the importance of community during times like this. “Admittedly, this is a lifelong journey of peeling back our layers and widening our capacity for understanding others and ourselves. Do not hesitate to reach out to others along the way, especially those who make you feel heard and understood.”

Dr. Jaffe adds that if we manage to hold on to the lesson but let go of the weight that comes with a grudge, we can consider ourselves winners. “Healing isn’t about pretending that something didn’t happen: it’s about using that experience to become more in control of your own life.”