The term "narcissist" gets thrown around a lot these days to describe someone that primarily thinks about themselves. But narcissism—both as a personality trait and disorder—is much more than selfishness: it can lead victims of narcissistic people to feel invalidated, anxious, or manipulated. While it's one thing to work through romantic relationships with narcissistic people, it's a whole other story if your parent or parental figures exhibit narcissistic traits. More specifically, setting boundaries with a narcissistic parent as an adult can be challenging—especially as you seek independence and emotional well-being.
Experts in This Article
a licensed clinical professional counselor at Sage Therapy.
Fortunately, there are ways to establish healthier dynamics. Here, Elizabeth Maranto, LCPC, a licensed clinical professional counselor at Sage Therapy, breaks down narcissism, signs that you have a narcissistic parent, and effective strategies for fostering a safer emotional bond.
First, what is narcissism?
Narcissists are people with personality traits rooted in self-centeredness and self-preoccupation, often at the expense of others, says Maranto. She adds that exhibiting minor narcissist personality traits now and then is normal. But “I do think it is important to recognize that we all have "narcissism" within ourselves since it is a part of the human experience," she says.
However, narcissistic behavior taken to the extreme can lead to dysfunction. In some cases, it may even be the result of an underlying mental health condition called narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which affects how you see yourself and interact with others. Common symptoms of this disorder include:
- Inflated sense of self-importance
- Expectation of having success, power, and love
- Feelings of superiority
- Excessive need for admiration and validation
- Entitlement
- Exploiting others for personal gain
- Lack of empathy
- Jealousy
- Inability to accept criticism
While anyone can exhibit narcissistic traits, it’s not clear how common NPD is and who it most affects, says Maranto. That said, research has suggested that men are more commonly diagnosed with NPD1 than women, and that narcissistic qualities tend to decrease with age2.
Signs you have a narcissistic parent
If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, there are some common signs and experiences you might have had that carried into adulthood. Maranto says these may include:
- Feeling invalidated, anxious, or tense in their presence
- Having low self-esteem
- Feeling guilt, shame, or self-doubt in response to their behavior
- Being manipulated or emotionally controlled
You may also notice yourself exhibiting the following behaviors:
- Going out of your way to appease your parent
- Having difficulty setting boundaries for fear of their reaction
- Masking your true feelings
- Walking on eggshells
- Avoiding confrontation
- Taking responsibility for your parent’s problems or mistakes
- Over-apologizing
- Doubting your own perceptions or feelings
- Downplaying your achievements to preserve their self-esteem
While these behaviors and experiences do not necessarily confirm that your parent has NPD, they could indicate your parent has exhibited narcissistic traits, which altered how you move through the world. You may even notice the above behaviors—like people-pleasing tendencies or avoiding confrontation—bleed into other areas and relationship dynamics in your life.
6 ways to deal with a narcissistic parent as an adult
Dealing with a narcissistic parent can be emotionally taxing. But Maranto says implementing the following strategies can help you reframe the relationship while protecting your mental well-being
1. Learn to regulate your emotions and nervous system
Interacting with narcissistic parents can dysregulate your nervous system and send it into a heightened state called fight-or-flight. This can cause symptoms like shaking, sweating, increased heart rate, and a feeling of panic or fear. If this happens to you, the key is to "regulate, regulate, regulate," says Maranto. She recommends practicing coping skills such as:
- Somatic exercises or therapy to calm the nervous system, like shaking or stretching.
- Mindfulness techniques such as meditation or deep breathing.
- Dialectical Behavior Therapy techniques like TIPP (Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing, and Paired Muscle Relaxation) can help you manage distressing emotions. This may involve splashing cold water on your face, taking a bath, going for a run, or taking some slow, deep breaths.
2. Identify and set healthy boundaries
Setting clear boundaries is crucial when dealing with a narcissistic parent. But first, you have to determine what boundaries make the most sense for you. Maranto suggests reflecting on boundaries related to:
- Physical space (who has access to your home and personal space)
- Emotional experiences (what personal details you share and with whom)
- Thoughts and ideas (how you choose to express your opinions)
- Time management (how much time you allocate to them)
- Possessions (control over your belongings and financial independence)
Once you’ve decided where you want to set boundaries, it’s time to communicate and enforce those boundaries with your parent. This may feel uncomfortable, as it requires going against the people-pleasing and non-confrontation you've built up. But stand firm in your boundaries and remind yourself that you have the right to make the most healthy decisions for you.
3. Build a support system
Surrounding yourself with emotionally healthy individuals can help counteract the effects of a narcissistic parent. "Getting opportunities to witness and engage in healthy interpersonal patterns is incredibly important," says Maranto. "Without people supporting your true, authentic self, it will be much harder to regulate and implement healthy boundaries," she adds.
Seek relationships where you feel valued, heard, and respected—whether through friendships, connections with other family members, support groups, or therapy. This can rebuild the self-esteem lost as a result of your narcissistic parent’s behavior and help you access the support and validation you deserve.
4. Disengage from manipulative behaviors
Narcissistic parents, even on a subconscious level, often use tactics such as belittling, guilt-tripping, or gaslighting to control situations, says Maranto. However, identifying when these tactics are being played out can help you disengage.
"Seeing the narcissistic behaviors for what they are—an attempt to control the situation—can help decrease our attachment to the narrative," explains Maranto. Instead of reacting defensively, she suggests recognizing when you are being triggered and choosing to respond based on your values rather than your emotions at the moment. For example, instead of shouting in response to a remark, you might choose to take a deep breath and step away for a moment.
5. Limit contact if necessary
If interacting with your parent consistently harms your mental health, it's important to protect yourself3. This may mean reducing contact or implementing low-contact strategies like:
- Keeping conversations brief and surface-level
- Limiting in-person visits
- Communicating through text or written messages instead of phone calls
Deciding on your level of distance (or even cutting ties) is a deeply personal choice that should be made based on your safety and well-being. While some adult children opt for no contact—especially if the relationship is abusive or toxic—others might choose to just text or engage in small talk with their parents. This will all depend on how safe or unsafe you feel.
If you're unsure of how to move forward with limiting contact, reach out to a mental health professional who can help you determine the best route forward. (More on this below.)
6. Get professional help
"In my clinical and personal opinion, consider [seeking help from a mental health professional] ASAP," says Maranto. "No matter if your parent has a diagnosis of NPD or an abundance of narcissistic traits, it can be incredibly difficult to navigate this experience on your own." On top of helping you feel seen and heard, therapy can also help you:
- Establish and maintain healthy boundaries
- Work through past emotional wounds
- Develop self-advocacy skills
- Process complex emotions related to your parent’s behavior
The bottom line
Dealing with a narcissistic parent as an adult can be emotionally draining, but there are ways to protect your mental well-being. Strategies such as emotional regulation, creating boundaries, disengaging from manipulative behaviors, and building a support system can help you reclaim your sense of self.
If your parent's behavior significantly impacts your daily life, relationships, or self-worth, consider seeking therapy to navigate this complex dynamic healthily.
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or go to FindTreatment.gov for resources and treatment options. If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself or others, call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
- Grijalva, Emily et al. “Gender differences in narcissism: a meta-analytic review.” Psychological bulletin vol. 141,2 (2015): 261-310. doi:10.1037/a0038231 ↩︎
- Orth, Ulrich et al. “Development of narcissism across the life span: A meta-analytic review of longitudinal studies.” Psychological bulletin vol. 150,6 (2024): 643-665. doi:10.1037/bul0000436 ↩︎
- Weinberg, Igor, and Elsa Ronningstam. “Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Progress in Understanding and Treatment.” Focus (American Psychiatric Publishing) vol. 20,4 (2022): 368-377. doi:10.1176/appi.focus.20220052 ↩︎
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