We all have bad memories. Whether it’s an embarrassing moment from childhood or a traumatic experience, we likely don’t want to relive or have to think about it again. While most people don’t like to replay bad memories in their minds, they seem to pop up spontaneously, especially when we don’t want them to. Many people may even find that bad experiences stand out in their memory more than good ones. So, how if you’re wondering how to forget a bad memory, you’re not alone.

“Our brains tend to give more importance to negative experiences, which is called negativity bias,” says Judith S. Beck, PhD, President, Beck Institute for Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Clinical Professor of Psychology, University of Pennsylvania. “Negativity bias may have an evolutionary explanation. For example, it may have helped our caveman ancestors survive by remaining cautious about going again to an area where they previously experienced danger.” But the good news is that some memories fade away, and while we can’t get rid of bad memories, there are a variety of techniques we can use to make them less painful or frequent.

Keep reading to see what experts have to say about how memory works and learn a few coping skills that may help you to forget an unwanted memory or, at the very least, lessen its impact.

How does memory work?

According to cognitive psychology, memory has three basic parts. Sensory memory, which stores sensory information; short-term memory, which holds information temporarily for analysis and retrieves information for long-term memory, and long-term memory, which holds information over an extended period and receives information from the short-term memory. “So, hypothetically, when a person does something important, the information the brain gets from that event starts as sensory memory, moves into short term, and then ends up in long term at the end,” explains Michael Stagar, LPC-S, a psychiatrist for AdventHealth Central Texas.

“By allowing yourself to feel the pain associated with these memories you are building your resilience and learning coping skills to deal with trauma.” —Michael Stagar, LPC-S, a psychiatrist for AdventHealth Central Texas

One thing to consider, though, is the repetition of information retrieval. “The more frequently the information is retrieved, the easier it will be to pull that information via neural pathways,” he says. “The less frequently, then the harder it will be, with the information that is not retrieved at all being disregarded by the process of neural pruning.”

How to get rid of a bad memory

While we can’t get rid of bad memories, there are a variety of techniques we can use to make them less painful or frequent. Here are a few expert-approved tips for how to forget a bad memory, or at the very least, lessen the impact of that memory.

1. Distract yourself

Dr. Beck says that if you’re having a rough day or moment where you can’t seem to shake the bad memory, distract yourself as much as possible. Go for a walk, call a friend, watch a short video, or do anything that will get your mind off of the memory so that you can go about your day.

2. Avoid any triggers

Sounds and smells can often bring back good and bad memories. The smell of cinnamon might remind you of Christmas at your grandmother’s house, or the sound of rain falling can take you straight back to childhood summers. However, the same can be said for bad memories. For example, if you were relentlessly teased in elementary school and you always ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, smelling or seeing one in your adult years can trigger those bad memories. So, it’s best to avoid these known triggers in your day-to-day life as best you can.

3. Mindfulness practice

If physical activity is just not possible for you, You can search online for a five- or ten-minute mindfulness exercise, where you continually bring your attention back to your breath, your body, or an object. “Every time the memory resurfaces, you non-judgmentally note that and gently start refocusing your attention on what is happening around you or inside of you,” says Dr. Beck.

4. Try substituting the memory

If you find yourself playing back an old bad memory, try redirecting your consciousness to an alternative memory. Stagar says this is similar to avoiding a pothole while driving, you actively see the bad memory ahead of you and you just drive around it. For example, if you see a restaurant that reminds you of where you were broken up, you could try to think of another meal you had there that was full of much happier memories. Over time, your brain will begin to replace the bad memory with a new one.

5. Focus on forming new memories

In the same way you can replace bad memories with good ones, you can work on forming new and happier memories in places where the bad memories were formed. If you have a bad memory at the beach, pick up your favorite snacks and drinks and invite your friends for a picnic by the ocean. This takes away some of the bad memory’s power and redirects it to new, positive memories.

6. Practice a healthy lifestyle

Still wondering how to forget a bad memory? Dr. Beck recommends eating well, managing outside stress, and moving your body routinely. “Physical exercise is really helpful in changing people’s focus,” she says.” By doing so, you allow your body and mind to redirect and reshift its energy and focus on something healthier and more productive.

7. Writing about your painful experience

Writing about a painful experience can be useful if you’re wondering how to forget a bad memory. As you get your thoughts down on paper, you may automatically start to think about the experience in a different way. Try writing for just a few minutes a day or whenever you feel yourself starting to replay the bad memory in your mind, pull out some pen or paper or even your notes app on your phone and just start writing. “By allowing yourself to feel the pain associated with these memories you are building your resilience and learning coping skills to deal with trauma,” adds Stagar.

8. Spend time with friends and family

Friends and family can be incredibly helpful when it comes to working through bad memories and figuring out how to forget a bad memory altogether. They can provide support and love, a listening ear, or just be present with you on a bad day. If you know a certain day is going to be tough, like the anniversary of a bad memory, Stagar says to plan ahead and schedule time to spend with them on that date, so they can keep your mind off the bad memories and instead redirect it.

9. Write down goals and make a plan for your progress

Calendars aren’t just for keeping track of appointments, you can also use them to make a mind map or write down goals and make a plan for your progress. This can look like setting intentions or, if you know a certain day or time of the month or year is harder for you, you can plan to do things in the months leading up to that to better prepare yourself. You can also opt into writing down goals that will help you overcome and work through the bad memory by setting daily or weekly reminders.

10. Talking to a therapist

Dr. Beck says if you fear having a negative memory, you may have beliefs such as, “If I experience a negative emotion, I’ll fall apart,” or, “If I let myself think about a negative, often traumatic, experience, I’ll get stuck in the memory and it won’t go away.” “If you can’t test your fears by allowing yourself to fully experience the memory, you may need to talk to a therapist to help you overcome your fears,” she says. It may not help you learn how to forget a bad memory completely, but seeking treatment through a mental health professional who is trained in trauma therapy modalities can help you to work through and overcome bad memories.

Is there a way to completely erase a memory

Research is not clear about whether we can completely erase an unwanted memory. A study¹ from the University of Cambridge found that asking yourself to recall an alternative memory from your past causes you to passively forget said memory, as a form of exposure therapy. A more recent study from the same researchers found you can actively extinguish the bad or unwanted memory through a process called retrieval-induced forgetting, which you can practice.

This occurs when recalling information from a specific category makes it harder to remember related information. For example, remembering the word “football” might make it harder to remember the word “baseball” later, because both words are in the category “sport.” “We do know, however, that memories can be modified or made less emotionally painful,” says Dr. Beck. “When we recall a memory, it can be changed, for example, if someone adds details or tells us something about the memory is incorrect. But being told that something didn’t happen doesn’t erase the memory altogether.”

Certain medications such as propranolol may decrease the intensity of negative emotions related to traumatic memories, but it does not erase them. Amnesia doesn’t erase memories either, though it can make them much harder to retrieve.

Why does my brain block out bad memories?

We replay dangerous or difficult memories as a way to figure out how to resolve similar situations in the future while taking less damage. “This process also helps individuals emotionally work through the losses that occurred because of these situations, thereby improving overall resilience,” says Stagar. So, in truth, replaying bad memories is your body’s way of keeping you safe. The hard part though is the emotional toll it can take on you, as this can result in some of the more severe expressions of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Can trauma erase memories?

“There is some disagreement among researchers about whether or not memories can be entirely erased,” says Dr. Beck. “We do know that severe trauma can result in changes in the brain. High levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, can hamper the operation of the hippocampus, which can lead to fragmentation of memories and possibly erase certain ones.” Even among individuals who have experienced severe trauma, the problem may be that they can’t retrieve certain traumatic memories. For those who have experienced trauma, it can lead to poor memory function and even memory loss as a coping mechanism.

“The memories are not the problem. It’s how you deal with them that is or isn’t the problem.” —Michael Stagar, LPC-S, a psychiatrist for AdventHealth Central Texas

Trauma can also cause dissociative amnesia, one study² found. It is a condition where one blocks out important information about themselves and cannot remember simple facts about themselves from a specific time frame where a distressing event occurred. This is most likely to be caused by severe or long-term trauma like abuse, violence, or severe neglect.

Is it healthy to block bad memories?

Blocking bad memories isn’t helpful, though it can provide short-term relief, says Stagar. It is important for people to remember negative or traumatic experiences so they can understand why these experiences happened and how trauma has affected their thinking, behavior, and physiology. Outside of the false “good-bad” dichotomy, they are simply memories. “They are part of you and are essential in the construction of who you are as a person,” says Stagar. “The memories are not the problem. It’s how you deal with them that is or isn’t the problem.”

If you try to block the memories through things like substance use, overworking, or unhealthy relationships you will create a new problem to contend with along with not addressing the original one. You should absolutely not block bad memories. Allow yourself to work through them either on your own or with the aid of a therapist who can help you recontextualize the experiences that created them so you can live a happier, healthier life.

Why shouldn’t we erase bad memories?

Trauma does not erase memories. It is the biological response to trauma that prevents the memories from fully forming. “Basically, the HPA axis of the brain and the sympathetic nervous system become stimulated and the parts of the brain that are used for slow deliberate decision making and memory formation are inhibited,” says Stagar. “As a result, the person’s memory of the traumatic event will be rather spotty, or in some rare cases completely blank.”

This doesn’t mean the memory is gone forever, but it does mean recall will be difficult unless certain specific conditions are met. Sometimes this recall can be triggered by sounds, smells, or sights that someone has associated with the traumatic event. Outside of those situations, when a person starts trauma therapy, sometimes they will regain recall of the traumatic event’s specific details, and this can be a windfall that assists them on their path to recovery.

How to cope with painful memories

So, if you’re wondering how to forget a bad memory, the answer is that you can’t fully erase unwanted memories. You can, however, learn tools to help you cope with bad memories. Stagar says that although this is not a popular answer, the best way to cope with painful memories is to let yourself feel them. “Although it is changing now, our culture has historically had a very backward mindset when it comes to trauma,” says Stagar. “Whereby if you were not quietly stoic at all times, then therefore you were defective. This, of course, does not stand up to any sort of research or even common sense.”

Stagar says that, when you have painful memories, it’s okay to let yourself feel them so long as you are in an environment where it is safe to do so. By allowing yourself to feel the pain associated with these memories you are building your resilience and learning coping skills to deal with trauma. If these memories are overwhelming you, you always have the option of talking about these incidents with friends and family, writing about them, or possibly even reframing why the painful memory occurred. Stagar advises, “If those are ineffective, I would advise seeking treatment through a mental health professional who is trained in trauma therapy modalities.”