“Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss.” It’s a phrase that’s been regularly thrown around on the internet since it was first used in 2021 on Tumblr to mock the generic “live, laugh, love” mantra that gripped the homes, phone backgrounds, and vernacular of women across the country. The internet culture surrounding these terms, though, has perpetuated a false idea of what it means to be gaslighted, leading to the frequent misuse of ‘gaslighting’ in everyday conversation.

“Gaslighting” is not a term to be thrown around lightly. According to Sandra Kushnir, LMFT, “true gaslighting involves a pattern of manipulation and deceit designed to make the victim doubt their sanity.” This can look like being gaslighted a partner, by a family member, by a medical professional, or even self-gaslighting. In recent years, however, the term “gaslighting” has become a catch-all for “simple disagreements or isolated incidents,” Kushnir adds. Everyone fights and has disagreements, but gaslighting is manipulative behavior that tries to invalidate a victim’s lived experience. “This dilution of the term minimizes its serious nature and the profound impact it has on victims of emotional abuse,” says Kushnir.

Ahead, experts explain the detrimental effects of misusing the term “gaslighting,” share how to identify true instances of gaslighting, and explain how to shift your emotional vocabulary to be more representative of your needs.

How did the term ‘gaslighting’ evolve?

The word “gaslighting” originates from the 1938 play Gas Light by Patrick Hamilton. The protagonist’s husband intentionally works to make her believe she can no longer trust her perception of reality. One of her husband’s tactics is to turn down the gas-powered lights in their home so they flicker throughout the house. When she asks him why the lights are flickering, he denies they’re flickering at all, suggesting it’s all happening inside her head. In 1944, the play was turned into a movie called Gaslight, directed by George Cukor.

Though the title of the play laid dormant in everyday conversation for years, academics in the ’80s began using the term “gaslighting” in a professional setting, often in discussions of gendered power dynamics. In 2018, “gaslighting” began rising steadily as an online search term until it reached its peak in 2022, following the proliferation of the “gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss” meme and its widespread usage to describe a variety of conditions. “Gaslighting” was even Merriam-Webster‘s 2022 word of the year, defined as the “practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for a personal advantage.”

Today, the term is occasionally used in clinical settings, but according to the American Psychological Association, it’s a colloquial term above all else. Gaslighting isn’t in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), meaning it is not an officially recognized psychiatric or mental health condition. Still, the effects of gaslighting are real and damaging, and misuse of the word can have harmful effects on those who have experienced this manipulative behavior firsthand.

“Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic designed to create a superior and subordinate dynamic in a relationship.” —Anna Glaser, LMHC

How is ‘gaslighting’ misused?

Misuse of the term “gaslighting” in casual conversation has become a widely accepted part of internet culture over the past years, namely on social media platforms such as TikTok and Instagram. “It seems every time someone feels confronted about their behavior or don’t like what someone else is saying to them, they throw this word around as a means of trying to avoid conflict resolution,” says Kellie Murry, LPCC. Confrontation and disagreements can be healthy and normal, and Murry says the misuse of “gaslighting” in conversation is compromising our ability to communicate with each other in a healthy way, ironic given the word’s true meaning.

Anna Glaser, LMHC adds that the misuse of “gaslighting” creates misunderstandings, often intensifying and escalating conflict that can be harmful “because it hinders effective communication, creates confusion, and dilutes genuine victims’ experiences in toxic relationships.” So, before you whip out your psychological vocabulary in casual conversation, remember the key difference between gaslighting and other types of conflict is intent. Like in the original film, gaslighters intentionally manipulate their victims so they doubt their lived experiences. If this isn’t a person’s intent, there’s probably another term or phrase that describes their behavior more accurately.

What qualifies as gaslighting?

Any type of manipulative behavior or emotional abuse intended to make another person question their own sanity or perception of reality can be classified as gaslighting. “Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic designed to create a superior and subordinate dynamic in a relationship,” says Glaser. The goal of the abuser is to “cause the victim to doubt their thoughts and feelings and question themselves.” This type of behavior often occurs in romantic relationships, but can also appear in platonic relationships with parents and friends, as well as in professional relationships with bosses and doctors. Glaser adds that gaslighting “could [also] be an indication of an abusive or toxic relationship where one partner is intentionally trying to maintain or exert power and control over another.” So, if you suspect you are in an abusive or toxic relationship, gaslighting may indicate that it’s time to seek help.

The key to differentiating between a disagreement and an instance of gaslighting is to understand the four types of gaslighting and how they present.

What are the four types of gaslighting?

1. 1.
   Persistent Denial: Where the abuser consistently denies events or facts that the victim knows to be true.
2. 2.
   Lying and Deception: The abuser tells blatant lies, creating confusion and self-doubt in the victim.
3. 3.
   Isolation: The abuser may isolate the victim from friends, family, or sources of information to increase dependence and control.
4. 4.
   Trivializing Feelings: The abuser dismisses or mocks the victim’s feelings, making them feel invalidated and insecure.

These types of gaslighting often present together in various combinations that stem from the abuser’s past interpersonal experiences. Glaser says that gaslighting is a learned relational behavior, where a perpetrator “saw someone gaslighting or experienced significant power dynamics in their parents’ relationship and used that as a guide or model when constructing their own relational ideals.” Additionally, gaslighting can be an avoidance mechanism or stem from feelings of inadequacy on the part of the perpetrator. Regardless of the cause, gaslighting is a damaging behavior that presents in myriad ways and can be managed with the help of a mental health professional.

What are examples of gaslighting?

Because the misuse of ‘gaslighting’ is so common, it’s important to distinguish between actual gaslighting and normal issues that occur as a result of human dynamics. Fights happen and disagreements are a part of the human experience but that doesn’t mean every argument is a case of gaslighting. Likewise, not all kinds of manipulation are gaslighting. Glaser says you’ll want to be on the lookout for the “consistent tendency of one individual to distort or deny their partner’s perception and experience, imposing their own version of events instead.” In true instances of gaslighting, the perpetrator’s primary goal is to make their victim lose confidence in themselves and their truth. Ahead, experts outline a few examples of what gaslighting looks like in everyday life to help you better identify instances of this detrimental behavior.

Denying a conversation or statement

According to Kushnir, a frequent example of gaslighting is when “a partner consistently [denies] they said something that the victim clearly remembers, insisting it never happened.” Everyone forgets something occasionally and the human memory isn’t perfect. If your partner is insisting that you didn’t ask them to add milk to the grocery list, you may have had a genuine lapse in memory or asked while they were distracted. Did you ask while they were otherwise occupied? Did they acknowledge that they heard your request?

Small instances like this are probably not gaslighting; though, they can be depending on the gaslighter’s approach. However, if your partner explicitly agrees to pick up the kids from school the next day and then swears up and down that they “never promised to pick up the kids” when school is almost out, this may be an instance of gaslighting.

Being ‘too sensitive’ or ‘too dramatic’

Being “too sensitive” or “too dramatic” are classic examples of gaslighting. Murry says that hearing the words, “You’re making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be,” “You always do this,” or “You’re being too dramatic” are usually significant indicators that you’re being gaslighted. As an isolated incident, it may just be a set of poorly chosen words, but combined with other examples—especially if they’re recurrent—phrases like these can be incredibly harmful. Glaser says this is often the case “when one individual confronts another on a specific situation or experience,” as a gaslighter will try to invalidate the heightened emotions of their victim.

For example, imagine a partner scenario where a partner flies off the handle and breaks items in your home during a fit of rage. Then, two days later, when you’re both calm, you address the situation with your partner and they become agitated or make it seem like their violent temper tantrum wasn’t a big deal. In a case like this, they may be trying to alter your memory of reality or make you doubt yourself about whether their behavior was truly out of line. This can happen in a work context, too.

A study on workplace gaslighting in Frontiers in Psychology¹ found that there are two key signs of gaslighting at work: trivialization—undermining of an employee’s perspectives, fears, or realities by their supervisor— and affliction—when a supervisor creates a work environment that inflicts pain, suffering, or torment. “A boss telling an employee they’re overreacting or being too sensitive when the employee expresses concerns about mistreatment” is a sign of gaslighting behavior in the office,” Kushnir adds.

Denial of memories or events

A gaslighter will intentionally try to distort your recollection of reality. Kushnir says this occurs often in family dynamics, where “a parent tells a child that their memories of childhood events are incorrect or imagined, despite evidence to the contrary.” If you’re confronting your parent as an adult, it’s possible that they simply don’t remember. Sometimes the incidents that shape us are inconsequential to other people. But if you remember you remember your mother saying or doing something particularly traumatic that your sibling also remembers and your mother insists that it didn’t happen, this could be a gaslighting tactic at work.

Playing the victim when confronted

Murry says that it’s common for gaslighters to play the victim when they’re confronted about their behavior. This may include ignoring or diminishing the importance of your behaviors. If your partner or a friend never supports you when you need them, it could be a sign of gaslighting. According to Murry, they may try to justify their behavior by saying something to the effect of, “Yeah, well you’re never there for me when I’m feeling anxious/upset/sad…etc.,” implying they have no incentive to help you. This may stem from the narcissistic tendency to make everything about themselves.

Of course, it’s important to self-reflect—have you actually been there for this person? Have you shown them support when they needed it? We all have times when we’re too caught up in our own lives to be there for others, but if you’re certain you’ve been there for this person in the past, try sharing examples of ways in which you thought you were being supportive of them with your words or actions in their time of need. If they continue to belittle your support, deny you made an effort to help them, or turn it around on you and play the victim, they may be gaslighting you.

Guilt tripping or bending of reality

Gaslighters may try to make you feel inferior or unworthy, or guilt trip you when you bring up a problem or an issue in your life. Murry says this can show up in simple ways, like venting at the end of a long day about how hard it is to be a stay-at-home mom with a spouse. A gaslighter is likely to respond with something to the effect of, “You think your job is hard? Well, I work harder than you and I put food on the table. What do you do all day? Stay at home and shop with your friends. Who really takes care of you?” says Murry. Gaslighters want control and power, so minimizing your contributions in a relationship is a key gaslighting tactic.

“Precise language can address and resolve conflicts more effectively and maintain the integrity of terms that describe serious forms of abuse.” —Sandra Kushnir, LMFT

As a part of this desire for control, gaslighters may also try to bend your perception of yourself and convince you that you’re worthless. Murry says this kind of behavior may sound like a gaslighter saying, “No one will ever love you like I will. You’re too broken to be loved by someone else.” In combination with some of the other gaslighting tactics on this list, this kind of behavior can have a detrimental effect on your mental health. Of course, these gaslighting tactics are not exclusive to romantic relationships or friendships. A study published in 2022² found that long COVID patients were often subject to medical gaslighting by healthcare practitioners, with factors like gender and race compounding the extent of the gaslighting.

Why the overuse and misuse of ‘gaslighting’ is harmful

Saying what you mean is important for communication to be effective. When terms typically used in a medical or mental health setting are taken out of context, though, poor communication can be doubly damaging. Specifically, misuse of “gaslighting” may be harmful by:

Preventing victims from getting help for emotional abuse

Victims need to be able to identify that they’re in toxic and abusive situations in order to leave. Kushnir says that when we mislabel disagreements as gaslighting, “It undermines the seriousness of true gaslighting and can prevent victims from recognizing and seeking help for actual emotional abuse.” When trivial behaviors are raised to the status of gaslighting, it can make it harder for a victim to understand the signs that they’re in a problematic situation and need to extract themselves from that situation as soon as it’s safe to do so.

Leading to skepticism about victim statements

Victims of emotional abuse struggle to be believed and Kushnir says that this holds true for victims of gaslighting. When people trivialize gaslighting, Kushnir says it “creates confusion and skepticism about the validity of claims, making it harder for real victims to be believed and supported.” The misuse of the term gaslighting can make it harder for friends or family to see it as a serious problem or to recognize that someone they care about is in need of assistance.

Preventing accountability and responsibility

Murry says that misuse of gaslighting can also make it easier for people to avoid responsibility and accountability for their actions. Calling someone a gaslighter is a serious matter, and throwing the word out casually can be a manipulative tactic to avoid taking a hard look at one’s actions or behaviors. “If I cry ‘gaslighting’ every time someone tries to confront me or have a real conversation with me, then I’m not allowing true connection and taking responsibility,” says Murry. Disagreeing with someone or having a different opinion doesn’t mean they’re trying to control or gaslight you. People can hurt their friends, family, partners, and co-workers without necessarily gaslighting.

What to say instead of ‘gaslighting’

When gaslighting is misused as a term, it can come across as insensitive and heighten misunderstandings. “Instead of throwing around terms that signify manipulation and control, I encourage people to express themselves clearly and directly,” Glaser advises. “Before starting the conversation, acknowledge your feelings and ask yourself what is making you most upset.” Use “I” statements to get your point across, as opposed to accusations, and “describe the specific behavior or issue,” Kushnir suggests. For example, try saying, “I feel like my concerns are being dismissed” instead of, “You’re gaslighting me.” By being specific about your feelings and needs, you can have a focused, clear conversation about what’s bothering you and avoid escalating an argument. “Precise language can address and resolve conflicts more effectively and maintain the integrity of terms that describe serious forms of abuse,” Kushnir adds.

If you’re feeling ignored or the person you’re disagreeing with is having a difficult time understanding you, Murry suggests reiterating that “what you are communicating is your perception and perspective.” She adds, “If your partner attempts to undermine your perspective, observe and request that they respect your experience and feelings.” If the person continues to disrespect or ignore your feelings, then it’s possible they’re actually gaslighting you, but it’s important to communicate and attempt to resolve conflicts productively before pointing the finger.

Gaslighting is a serious matter that can be a sign of abuse, so it’s critical to reserve the term for actual instances of gaslighting. Misuse of “gaslighting” can cause serious harm to victims of this kind of emotional abuse and make it harder for them to access the critical services they need to remove themselves from abusive situations. If you suspect you’re being gaslit, it’s important to seek counsel from a licensed mental health professional when it’s safe to do so or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE to get help.