11 Ways Tantric Sex Can Take Your Sex Life From Dull to Connected

If your sex life has been feeling a little less "lick" and a little more "lickity-split," a little less Stairway To Heaven, and a little more "wham-bam, thank you, Stan," the solution may lie in tantric sex.

What is tantric sex, exactly? It’s an ancient sexual practice rooted in Hindu and Buddhist traditions that, for all intents and purposes, is the exact opposite of a quickie, according to Angela Dawn, a sex coach, certified tantric sex educator, and founder of Authentic Heart Coaching in Annapolis, Maryland. “Tantra sex is slow-and-steady sex,” she says.

While regular ol' hanky panky often doubles as a quest to reach orgasm as fast as possible, tantric sex prioritizes connection over climax, pleasure over performance, and spiritual depth over penetration depth, says Dawn. “It’s sex that weaves together spirituality, sexuality, and mindfulness to deepen connection and enhance pleasure,” she explains.

You’re not alone if you think tantric sounds simultaneously intimidating and sexy as heck. For tantric sex beginners, it may feel intimidating, but it certainly doesn’t have to be. “Tantra sex is for everyone,” says Dawn. Pleasure-seekers of all genders, sexualities, relationship structures or statuses, and experience levels can enjoy it, she says.

To help make tantric sex accessible to the pleasure-seeking, we put together this comprehensive guide. Ahead, everything you need to know to do it, tantra-style.

Exactly how to explore tantric sex with or without a partner 

Tantric sex does not come with a set of step-by-step instructions, the way, say, a furniture purchase from Ikea does. As Dawn says, “Tantra is about connection, not rigidity.” Still, if you’re unsure how to get started, the tips ahead can serve as a helpful guide.

1. Learn more about tantra and its history

No, you don't have to become a certified tantric sex coach to add tantric rituals to your own life. However, taking some time to become a student of the practice will help you feel more confident that you know what is (and isn't) tantra when exploring. This may involve diving deeper into the origins of tantra by reading books and teaching from experts. For example, if you’re a bookworm, Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex For The Twenty-First Century is a great starting place.

2. Create a sacred sex space

For many people, tantric sex or not, a messy bedroom can throw off the vibe as you're trying to get in the mood. At the very least, the pile of clothes in the corner is distracting, but at worst, it makes the task of getting sexy feel impossible. This is why, if you're anything like me, with socks and stuffing from annihilated dog chew toys strewn about the floor, you need to give your space a good clean. “The key is to set up your space so that it is free from distractions,” says Dawn.

Beyond tidying your space, Dawn also suggests upgrading it with things like massage candles, incense, pillows, blankets, twinkle lights, music, or whatever else you find calming, centering, or even sensual.

2. Start solo

“You do not need a partner to practice tantric sex,” says Barbara Carrellas ACS, AASECT, a certified sex therapist and author of Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex For The Twenty-First Century. Tantric masturbation, also known as solo tantric sex, can be the best, most effective way to dip your toe into this wonderful world. “In a solo practice, you can proceed at your own pace and focus completely on yourself,” she says. “Consequently, you can practice various tantric techniques and actually discover what turns you on.” These techniques could include long, soft strokes to your genital region, light caresses all over your body, or even making eye contact with yourself in a mirror (more on this below).

3. Make and sustain eye contact

If you've ever received long, suggestive stares from someone in public (or been the one giving them), you know the power of holding someone's gaze. Well, in tantric sex, there is a leveled-up form of eye contact known as eye gazing. Traditionally, it involves looking into your lover’s left eye and then looking some more, says Carrellas. (For context, some sexual health and relationship experts believe looking into your partner's left eye can spark a deeper bond.)

On paper, eye-gazing may not sound that impactful, but many pleasure-seekers are surprised by just how vulnerable it feels in practice. “Eye gazing is a trust exercise of the highest order,” she says. “It takes us to a level of intimacy we rarely experience, which can make us uncomfortable, exposed, put on the spot, and even silly,” she says. While it is common to feel the urge to look away or even to start to giggle, Carrellas recommends challenging yourself to return to your boo's eyes if your gaze shifts.

4. …yes, even if you’re exploring tantric solo

Eye-gazing isn’t just for partnered tantric play. If you are going it alone, Carrellas suggests holding a hand mirror in one hand and placing your other hand on your heart. “Look into the mirror, and look into your non-dominant eye,” she says. (If you are right-handed, your left eye is your non-dominant eye, while if you are left-handed, it’s your right eye.)

Once you’ve become comfortable with mirror gazing, you can graduate to mirror masturbation. “While you masturbate, look into a mirror and then continue into your own eyes as you orgasm,” says Carrellas. “As you come, tell yourself how beautiful you are and how much you love yourself.”

5. Breath as one

“Synchronizing your breath with your partner’s is a beautiful way to connect at the start of an intimate experience or to deepen connection,” says Dawn. To try it, sit or lie with your chests touching so you can feel each other’s breathing and match the timing and rhythm of inhalations and exhalations, she suggests.

6. Expand beyond just penetration

Vaginal intercourse might be the star of the show of middle school sex ed curricula—or, more accurately, pleas to abstain from it. But sex, especially tantric sex, goes way beyond all types of penetration, according to Carrellas.“What happens during tantric sex isn’t limited to the genitals,” she says. “It’s not to say that genital sex isn’t important, but tantric sex sees the whole body as a generator of sexual energy, not just the genitals,” she adds. In practice, this means allowing pleasurable activities like sensual massage, nipple stimulation, kissing, and sensory play to be the main course.

7. Prioritize pleasure (not climax)

Non-tantric, aka "regular," sex tends to be goal-oriented, leading sex-havers to sprint straight towards orgasm—or, at least, try to. But during tantric sex, “sexual positions and techniques are important not because they produce orgasm, but because they produce prolonged, increasing levels of pleasure, delight, and consciousness-altering bliss,” explains Carrellas.

With that, she suggests moving through tantra sex as you might through a meandering night drive with no known destination—taking in the sights, smells, sounds, and overall experiences—rather than only thinking about an orgasmic end.

To be clear: Trying tantric doesn’t mean forgoing orgasm altogether, says Dawn. “It simply means letting go of the goal of having an explosive orgasm, which can transform the experience into a celebration and communion,” she says. And while it might sound counterintuitive, taking pressure off of orgasm “can heighten intimacy, which can lead to transformative sexual experiences, including energy orgasms and full-body orgasms,” she says.

8. Slow it wayyy down

Carrellas says that in tantric practice, there is a saying that goes, "three strokes for thirty." This refers to the intentionally of slowing down each sensual act to maximize pleasure. "This idea is that it is better to make three delicious strokes with precisely the right speed, pressure, and precision than thirty strokes that are sloppy and unconscious,” says Carrellas. The goal here isn’t to achieve perfection, as there is no such thing as "perfect" or "imperfect" tantric sex. Instead, it’s meant to serve as a reminder to, as they say, enjoy the journey.

9. Try the 'yab yum' position

“Any position that feels comfortable and allows closeness can be used for tantric practices,” says Dawn. Missionary and spooning are popular choices for that reason. However, there is one particular sex position that has come to epitomize tantric sex: Yab yum.

In yab yum, also known as the lotus sex position, one partner sits cross-legged while the other straddles their lap, facing them, says Dawn. “If it feels uncomfortable, try placing a cushion under the seated partner for support,” she says. This configuration works well for eye-gazing or breath syncing, she says, but partners can also enjoy hand stuff, nipple and check stimulation, or mouth and neck kissing. 

If desired, the bottom partner can use their penis, a dildo, or a double-ended dildo to penetrate the top partner, says Carrellas. “If you’re the penetrative partner, squeeze your pelvic floor muscles and visualize a circle of energy enveloping you and your partner as if you are being held in an erotic egg,” she suggests.

10. Add in a pleasure aid

While you may need to put away dirty laundry and clutter before tantric sex, your sex toys can definitely stay out in the open. “All sorts of pleasure aids can be used during tantric sex,” says Dawn. “I suggest lube no matter what kind of sex you’re having, but for tantric sex specifically, aids that increase sensitivity such as feathers, silk ties, and glass sex toys can be most useful,” she says. Wax play candles, a Wartenberg wheel ($3), and nipple clamps work well, too.

11. Be patient

At the end of the day, exploring tantra sex is all about infusing life’s greatest joys—connection, pleasure, and intimacy—back into your solo, partnered, or multi-partnered sex life. If you achieve those things right from the get-go, that’s great. But if not: “Don’t forget to be patient with yourself as you adopt a tantric approach to sex, and keep practicing,” says Dawn. “Tantra, after all, is a journey and not a destination.”

The bottom line

Tantric sex can be a great way to slow down and enjoy the pleasure of a sensual experience with your partner or yourself. Try these tips the next time you're looking to change things up, and don't be afraid to reach out for help from a professional sex expert if you're wanting to break out of your shell. They can offer tips and guidance to explore your sexuality and try new things, like tantric sex, if you so desire.