How Long Should a Relationship Break Be? 5 Rules to Optimize Your Time Apart

No matter how much you love someone, you may find that, at some point, you may need time apart to reassess your wants and needs in the relationship. Commonly known as ‘taking a break,’ this period away from one another can be essential to making a relationship work. However, figuring out how long a relationship break should be is a daunting decision. If the relationship break is too short, there might not be enough time for true change to occur, but if it’s too long, it could potentially bring the relationship to a full stop.

As a rule of thumb, he general duration of a relationship break depends on the unique circumstances and needs of the couple involved. For some people, a few weeks is the ideal amount of time to clear the mind and address any specific interpersonal and intrapersonal issues that were harming the relationship. For others, a longer period—like a few months—might be what it takes to get clarity and fix problems in the relationship. Factors such as the history of the relationship, the severity of any problems, and each partner’s respective goals for the relationship all play a role in determining the ideal length of the break.

As for the purpose of a break? While it varies from relationship to relationship, the most common goal is to make the partnership stronger, healthier, and more loving. To achieve this, you and your partner(s) must set clear expectations about your communication needs and boundaries during the break to prevent misunderstandings and make sure everyone is on the same page. By taking into consideration both the duration and purpose of a relationship break, couples can better navigate this time and make the most of their time apart.

Is that all there is to it? Not necessarily. Ahead, experts share guidance about what a relationship break means, when it might be time to take a relationship break, and how to optimize time away from your partner to come back stronger and more secure than before.

What is a relationship break?

“A relationship break is an agreed-upon time frame in which a couple takes some time apart to reassess their relationship, work on themselves, and try to conclude how they do (or don’t) want to move forward when the break is over,” explains Audrey Schoen, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. While it may seem scary to step back from the relationship at first, time apart may be exactly what you and your partner need to see each other’s perspectives and reevaluate your own needs in the relationship. Once you have a better understanding of your goals and how you can show up for each other, you can return to the relationship and apply what you’ve learned.

Reasons to take a relationship break

Stuck in bad patterns

If you notice your relationship is stuck in toxic patterns that you and your partner can’t seem to break free from, it’s time to take a break to give each person time to reassess their needs and wants.  From there, you can determine together whether the relationship is worth continuing. “Time apart can help both partners recalibrate their nervous systems, evaluate their contribution to the problem, and get help changing it,” says Schoen.

Miscommunication

Miscommunication can lead to frequent misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts, creating tension and dissatisfaction in a relationship. If you and your partner can’t communicate effectively, taking a break could give you both clarity as well as time to develop better communication skills. To improve your communication skills, try practicing active listening by listening to what the person is saying instead of thinking of a response as they speak and jumping in with it as soon as possible. Additionally, try expressing your thoughts and feelings clearly and honestly, using “I” statements to convey personal experiences without placing blame. (i.e. Instead of saying “You make me feel this way,” try saying something along the lines of “I feel this way.”)

Significant life transition

Starting a new job, moving, or experiencing the loss of a loved one can put strain on a relationship. If you’re noticing that a big life change has altered your relationship in one way or another, taking a break could be exactly what you need to see if this person still fits in your life. Are you comfortable moving forward knowing that these major changes have taken place? Are you willing to compromise? And do you have the mental and emotional capacity to show up for your partner in the way they need you to?

Substance abuse or addiction

Substance abuse issues require significant levels of time and support to overcome, making it difficult for someone experiencing substance use issues to prioritize their partner—and even themselves—in the relationship. “Substance abuse or addiction can strain a relationship, and even put other family members at risk,” says Schoen. “Taking a break may be necessary to allow time for recovery and sobriety before returning to the relationship.”

“Time apart can help both partners recalibrate their nervous systems, evaluate their contribution to the problem, and get help changing it.” —Audrey Schoen, LMFT

What are the rules in a relationship break?

Once you’ve decided to take a break from your relationship, it’s important to establish a few ground rules so that you and your partner(s) can make the most of this time apart. While these rules will vary from couple to couple, experts share a few that may be applicable if you and your partner(s) decide to step back from the relationship for a moment.

1. Discuss the purpose of the break and the desired outcome

“Much like relationships themselves, the exact guidelines for each couple will be different,” says Schoen. “The first step is to discuss the purpose of a break and the desired outcome.” By doing this, couples can ensure they’re on the same page and ultimately get the clarity they need. This will also help with relationship longevity since each person will be able to specify what they want moving forward.

2. Determine how long the break will last

To have a successful break, couples should determine the length of their break before they go on it. This will ensure they have a clear time frame to work in and allow each person time to set short-term goals accordingly. This helps avoid unnecessary uncertainty and emotional drifts; it also helps couples maintain a sense of commitment to resolving their issues. (It’s almost like having a deadline you need to meet at work vs. saying “I’ll get it done at some point.”) Additionally, having a defined period creates a path to better communication overall as each person will know that a decision isn’t far off.

3. Determine how much and what kind of communication is expected during the break

Creating clear expectations of how often you will communicate and how you will do so (i.e. via texting, phone calls, etc.) is something couples need to figure out before they go on a break as it will help avoid misunderstandings. Some couples may agree to have minimal contact during a break, while others might choose to do periodic check-ins to see if they’re still on the same page. Establishing clear guidelines about what’s acceptable—whether it’s texting, phone calls, or no communication at all—helps manage expectations, which can ultimately save relationships.

4. Determine what each partner will work on

During a relationship break, each partner needs to focus on how to improve the relationship. One partner might work on developing better communication skills, addressing personal insecurities, or managing stress more effectively. The other partner could focus on understanding their own emotional needs, building self-esteem, or learning about new interests and passions outside the relationship. By identifying and working on these goals, both partners work toward a healthier relationship after the break.

5. Determine what would be considered cheating

All Friends fans know what happens when couples don’t identify what cheating is before going on a break. Determining what constitutes cheating is crucial for maintaining trust and respect. Couples should discuss and agree upon boundaries, which can include physical intimacy with others, emotional connections, or even flirty behavior. For some, any form of romantic involvement with another person might be considered cheating, while others might not mind as much.

Does a break mean you’re single?

Before going on a break, be sure to discuss if you and your partner will stay together or not during this time. Daves suggests asking questions like ,“Are we seeing other people?” and “Are we taking a step back from each other for a set amount of time, but you are still committed?” This will give you clarity on where you both stand during your time apart and lessen any worries you might have about whether your partner is remaining faithful to you during the break.

Is it cheating if you’re on a break?

Whether it’s considered cheating during a break or not depends on the boundaries you set before the break begins. Some couples agree that romantic or physical involvement with others is off-limits, while others might allow for more freedom during the break, as long as there is mutual understanding and agreement on what is acceptable. Clear communication about these boundaries is essential to avoid misunderstandings and ensure both partners are comfortable with the terms of the break. And, if you do cheat—that includes emotional cheating and physical cheating—be sure to tell your partner that you cheated as soon as possible.

How long should you take a break in a relationship?

The length of a relationship break varies depending on the goals each couple sets for themselves. “There is no strict rule, but typically a break of a few weeks to a few months is ideal,” says Rachel Goldberg, LMFT and Founder of Rachel Goldberg Therapy in Los Angeles. “Anything less than a few weeks doesn’t provide enough time and space for true reflection, self-development, and future desires. On the other hand, a break longer than a few months risks the couple having too much time and space so that they naturally drift apart as they begin to make a new life for themselves.”

As we mentioned before, couples need to agree on a specific time frame to prevent uncertainty and ensure a mutual commitment to the process. During this period, both partners should focus on introspection, personal development, and addressing the root causes of their relationship problems. Setting a clear end date helps keep both people on track, allowing them to think about what they truly want.

Tips to take a successful relationship break

1. Be intentional

According to Schoen, it’s important to be intentional about the time and space during a break. “You might journal, meditate, read a self-help book, or re-engage with a lost hobby,” she says. “Whatever you do, be intentional about spending time in ways that help move the needle forward for the relationship.” By doing so, you can work on yourself, determine what you want in the relationship, and become a better partner.

2. Use the break wisely

To use the break wisely means to set clear boundaries and follow them. “If during the break, the couple engages in similar contact (i.e. texting throughout the day, meeting up late at night after drinking for physical comfort, etc.), there won’t be enough space between them to help them make an informed and non-emotional decision,” explains Goldberg. By taking the break seriously and having little contact, couples will have more space to figure out what they want and hopefully be able to save their relationship.

3. Work on personal growth

The point of the break should be to figure out what you want and how you’re going to work toward that. Most of the time, this can be achieved through personal growth on each end of the relationship, as supported by a 2017 study published in Emerging Adulthood¹. “Start a new exercise routine, journal, and/or meditate; spend time thinking about the future, envisioning how you want it to look, and considering whether it includes your partner,” suggests Goldberg. “It’s also a good time to reflect on how you may have contributed to the angst or monotony in the relationship.” By working on yourself, you’ll be able to come back into the relationship—either this one or a future ones—as a better version of yourself.

4. Get support

Unfortunately, during a relationship break, you might hit some rough patches. To get through these hard times, reach out for support from friends, family members, or a therapist or relationship counselor. While it might be hard to ask for help, having a support system is one of the best ways to heal. Plus, they might also have some great relationship tips. Just be careful to ask about your loved one’s emotional capacity before you vent or ask them for advice to avoid emotional dumping.

How much time apart is healthy in a relationship?

Unfortunately, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to how much time apart is healthy in a relationship. “The length of the break should, in part, be calibrated based upon the length of the relationship, nature of the relationship (i.e. engaged, married, cohabiting), and the type of issues at play,” says Dr. Jess Carbino, relationship expert and former sociologist for Tinder and Bumble. Most experts agree, however, that no more than two months is needed for a break. “One or two months should be adequate to provide a period of reflection regarding whether the relationship should persist and for individuals to reflect upon their contribution to the relationship and their individual issues,” explains Carbino.

Is it better to take a break or break up?

If you’re wondering if it’s better to take a break or break up, you’re not alone. “This varies based upon the situation,” explains relationship expert Karina F. Daves. “Sometimes, a break is needed to reset and reconfigure some boundaries or to discuss topics.” Taking a break can give you and your partner time to better understand what you want. “Other times, there are issues that you know will not change or boundaries that you have that will not be met,” says Daves. “In this case, you want to just break up and allow the healing process to begin.” In other words, if the problems aren’t going to change after a break, it might be better to call it quits.

Do relationship breaks work?

Simply put, yes, relationship breaks work. However, you might not always get the outcome you were hoping for. Generally speaking, not all relationship breaks lead to breakups, as supported by a 2019 study² on relationship dissolution. “You may use a break intentionally to make sure that you are meeting the issues that you have and evaluating what is a dealbreaker for you,” explains Daves. Because of this, your relationship could be stronger after the break. If you and your partner have faced significant issues during your relationship, however, a break might not fix them. One person might want to stay together after a break while another wants to move on.

“Relationship breaks work if both partners are clear on their boundaries and can adhere to them,” says Goldberg. “Regarding the outcome, if they decide to stay together and the time apart allows them to gain perspective on why they want to be with their partner, and both are willing to make changes so the relationship doesn’t resume exactly where it left off, then yes, it can work. Alternatively, if they gain perspective and decide it’s time to move on—and do so thoughtfully and amicably—that can also be considered a win, as the break served its purpose in helping each partner gain clarity on the next steps.” Ultimately, relationship breaks are a healthy way to step back and gain clarity, allowing everyone involved the space to grow and move forward successfully in the current relationship or in a new relationship down the line.