There’s no doubt about it: breakups are hard to get through—sometimes even completely devastating. They can be one of the most challenging experiences to navigate, often leaving people trapped in a whirlwind of emotions and persistent, obsessive thoughts. This phenomenon, known as rumination, involves repetitively thinking about the same distressing events or feelings, according to a 2022 study in The British Journal of Clinical Psychology¹; in this case, a breakup. Questions like “Why did they leave me? Do they not love me? Will I ever find love again?” might be swirling around your brain, making you wonder how to stop ruminating over someone—or more importantly, how to heal. While it’s natural to reflect on a relationship’s end, constant rumination can hinder your ability to move on. So, is there anything you can do to stop it from taking over your mind?

“When we experience loss, we grieve. So, allow yourself to feel your grief—that’s the healthy way to get to the other side of it.” —Dr. Gary McClain, psychotherapist, relationship coach

Understanding how to stop ruminating over someone after a breakup is crucial for regaining emotional balance and finding peace. Being trapped in a negative thought spiral not only prolongs emotional pain but can also affect your long-term mental health, which can build up to anxiety and depression. It’s essential to recognize the signs of rumination and actively work to break free from its grasp. By doing so, you allow yourself the space to process your emotions healthily and begin the journey toward recovery.

To find out just how to break this cycle and how to stop ruminating over someone, we spoke with three relationship experts to learn more about rumination. From mindfulness practices to cognitive-behavioral approaches and more, these tips and tricks are designed to shift your focus away from unproductive thoughts and toward positive actions that promote healing. Here, therapists discuss what causes rumination and how to break the pattern.

What triggers rumination?

Simply put, rumination after a breakup is often triggered by the emotional pain and loss associated with the end of a relationship. The unresolved feelings of sadness, anger, confusion, and overall hurt can lead your mind to repeatedly think about the breakup, having deleterious effects on the body and mind, according to a 2023 study². Memories together are constant reminders that play look a movie on loop in your mind, making it difficult to move on. Plus, the fear of uncertainty about the future (and future relationships) can also fuel rumination.

How to stop ruminating over someone after a breakup

Once you’ve been through a breakup, you may do everything in your power to stop thinking about the other person to no avail. This can make moving on increasingly difficult and frustrating. While there’s not surefire way for how to stop ruminating over someone after a breakup, experts did share a few tips to make forging ahead a little bit easier.

1. Grieve

No matter how long, how bad, or how upsetting the relationship was, it’s okay to grieve. “When we experience loss, we grieve,” explains Dr. Gary McClain, psychotherapist, relationship coach, and author of The Power of Closure: Why We Want It, How to Get It, and When to Walk Away. “So, allow yourself to feel your grief—that’s the healthy way to get to the other side of it.” People can feel their grief in different ways. That can be through numbness, denial or disbelief, confusion, anxiety, anger, or simply feeling overwhelmed. McClain suggests talking about these feelings to better control and process them over time. “Talk, feeling your feelings—that’s healthy grief,” he says. “And, each time you express your feelings or talk it out, you further integrate the loss and prepare yourself for the next chapter of your life. (Yes, you do have a next chapter! )

2. Limit discussion time

Although McClain noted that it’s good to talk about your ex, there should be boundaries when it comes to how much and how often you talk about them. “Set a limit on how long you allow yourself to talk about your ex with a friend,” suggests Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, and Founder of Rachel Goldberg Therapy in Los Angeles. “For example, for each interaction with my friend, I only get 20 minutes to talk about my ex. When thoughts come up after the time limit is up, I can say to my friend out loud, ‘I’m really yearning to talk about them, but I’m going to respect our rule.’” Setting those boundaries with yourself as well as those you’re talking to will help hold you accountable for how much you talk about them. Plus, changing the conversation to another topic will help take your mind to another place.

3. Set social media limits

In recent years, social media has practically become all-consuming. Because of this, it’s important to set boundaries. “Set limits with yourself regarding social media,” explains McClain. “While it is only human to have the urge to know what your ex is up to when you constantly check them out on social media, you are only causing yourself more pain.” You can unfollow, mute, or even block them if you need to. This will help you to avoid the urge of constantly seeing what they’re doing, and ultimately help you forget your ex in some capacity. “Also, keep in mind that we show our happy sides on social media, and what you see from your ex may not reflect reality,” says McClain.

4. Self-soothe with your senses

“When you find yourself obsessing over your ex and becoming emotional, you can use a self-soothing skill to focus your mind from the stressful situation to something soothing,” says Nina Batista, LCSW, relationship and trauma therapist. “You want to focus solely on whichever sense you decide to hone in on.” In terms of vision, Batista suggests stimulating your eyes with something—that can be people-watching, going to an art gallery, or watching a movie. For hearing, listen to soothing or happy music and focus on the lyrics or beat. For smell, Batista says to burn an incense or candle and take a bath with your favorite bath bomb. As for taste, eating your favorite food or having a soothing cup of tea will help calm you. Finally, to tap into touch, try petting an animal or curling up in your favorite blanket or soft pillow. “The point is to fully engage in your senses to activate pleasant thoughts and feelings,” Batista says. “Really focus—if you’re touching your pet, how does his fur feel on your fingers? What color is your dog? This helps to bring you back to the present moment instead of focusing on something from the past or the future.”

5. Embrace life

Dealing with a breakup is never easy, but you still need to enjoy your life. (Yes, we know that’s easier said than done at times.) “Do the things you enjoy and that benefit you in life,” says McClain. “Get to the gym. Make time with friends. Stay productive at work. And do all of this whether you ‘feel’ like it or not. In other words, reconnect with your foundation—activities, friends, work. Take positive action and let the feelings catch up later. One foot before the other.”

How to break a rumination cycle

To break a rumination cycle, it’s best to follow the tips above. This will require intentional action and effort on your part that will help shift your focus away from negative thoughts. If you’re wondering how to stop ruminating over someone, start by limiting the time you spend reflecting on the relationship, and instead, set aside specific moments to process your emotions constructively. Try new hobbies or spend time with friends and family members who bring you joy as this will help create positive distractions. You can also seek support from friends, family, or a therapist, who can help you develop the coping skills you need to move forward.

What are the four types of rumination?

Before you figure out how to stop ruminating over someone, it’s important to acknowledge that there are four main types of rumination, according to a 2017 study³. Depressive rumination focuses on repetitive thoughts about feelings of sadness, rejection, and inadequacy, which can make the pain of a breakup worse. Anxious rumination is characterized by excessive worrying about the future, including fears of being alone forever or not finding another relationship. Angry rumination involves thinking about bad things an ex-partner did, which can create feelings of resentment and anger. Lastly, reflection rumination is when people repeatedly analyze what went wrong in the relationship and their own actions, looking for closure. But, this can be counterproductive if it turns into obsessive overthinking.

Why am I so focused on my ex?

There are several reasons people ruminate about their ex. Understanding why you are focused on your ex may unlock some key tools to help you figure out how to stop ruminating over someone. Perhaps there are unresolved emotions that your brain keeps cycling through because you haven’t had the time or resources to process them correctly. Or, maybe, your ex was more than just your partner; they were your roommate and best friend. More reasons someone might ruminate over their ex include:

• You have an anxious attachment style: The first and most notable reason people are focused on their exes is due to an anxious attachment style, which causes an anxious attachment breakup. “An anxious attachment style can lead to feelings of abandonment, and ruminating can help someone feel closer to their ex,” explains Goldberg. “This can help them maintain control over sometimes intolerable emotions.” (Unfortunately, dealing with a breakup as someone with an anxious attachment may take more time and energy than it would for people who are securely attached. Following these tips, however, will not only help with healing but also with overcoming rumination.)
• They were an integral part of your life: Another reason people find themselves obsessing over their ex is because their ex was a big part of their life. “It can be challenging to get away from the numerous reminders of them,” says Goldberg. “For instance, living in the apartment they shared can trigger these thoughts, bringing focus toward their ex.” To avoid this, it’s best to find ways to get rid of those reminders, whether that be giving them back their things or moving out.
• You have unresolved emotions: People might find themselves obsessing over their exes because they have unresolved emotions. During the stages of a breakup, it’s common to have lingering emotions such as sadness, anger, or confusion. These unresolved feelings can cause you to constantly think about your ex as you try to make sense of what went wrong and seek closure. Rumination can also be associated with mental illnesses including depression and anxiety disorders. When people repeatedly dwell on loss and negative emotions, it can deepen feelings of sadness and lead to depressive symptoms. Similarly, the constant worrying about future relationships can heighten anxiety, contributing to generalized anxiety disorder or social anxiety. In some cases, rumination may also be linked to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), where intrusive thoughts about the breakup become obsessive and lead to compulsive behaviors aimed at relieving distress. In any case, seeking help from a professional is typically the best course of action.

When to seek professional help

“If you can’t move forward with your life, then it’s time to seek help,” says McClain. “If the emotions of the breakup are interfering with your day-to-day life—if you are having trouble sleeping, experience changes in eating habits, find yourself constantly emotionally overwhelmed, aren’t functioning at work, have thoughts of hopelessness, are isolating from other people, have self-destructive thoughts—these are signs it is time to reach out to a professional. One of the bravest things you can do is to reach out to a mental health professional in a time of need.” Having a nonjudgmental outsider who can support you along your healing journey will be one of the most beneficial things you can do for yourself.

Does rumination ever go away?

Although at times it doesn’t feel like it will ever end, rumination can go away after a breakup. However, it will require significant time and effort depending on the source of your emotions and what resources you have to process them. Trying healthy coping mechanisms, such as mindfulness practices and self-care activities can help reduce rumination. Getting support from friends, family, or a therapist can also help heal a broken heart. Over time, as you heal, the tendency to ruminate will lessen, and with the help of a healthy support system, you’ll be able to move on.