Why You Should (or Shouldn’t) Kiss on a First Date, According to Experts

Imagine this: You’ve just had an incredible first date. The conversation flowed easily and there was an undeniable spark. As the evening winds down, the moment of truth comes—the one where you decide whether to lean in for a kiss or say goodbye and part ways. This scenario, one most first daters have experienced, is a delicate dance between reading signals correctly and having proper dating etiquette. But, the question still remains: should you kiss on a first date? On one hand, a kiss can be an exciting way to seal the connection you’ve built during the date, and it can essentially be a gesture that says, “I’m interested in you.” On the other hand, it can raise questions about boundaries, pacing, and the potential to rush into something too soon.

The etiquette around kissing on a first date isn’t set in stone; it varies from person to person, from date to date. However, one thing remains true: “It’s all about staying in the moment,” says Rachel DeAlto, relationship expert at Stir. “Don’t overthink it, but remain aware enough to read their cues.” Whether it feels right to kiss or not often depends on the chemistry and comfort for both people—it’s a decision that’s as much about reading the situation as it is about personal values and intentions. Ahead, get advice, tips, and insights from experts about whether you should (or shouldn’t) kiss on a first date.

Should you kiss on a first date?

Should you kiss on a first date? Unfortunately, there’s not a clear-cut answer. “There are no ‘shoulds’ when it comes to relationships; what matters most is your comfort and your partner’s comfort,” says eharmony relationship expert Todd Baratz, LMHC. As mentioned earlier, some people think a kiss can be a fun way to cap off a great date, solidifying the chemistry. For others, holding off on a kiss might feel more appropriate, allowing time to build trust and get to know each other better before taking that next step. No matter which choice you make, there’s no right or wrong answer.

If you’re unsure about whether or not to kiss someone, pay close attention to how the date is unfolding. How was the conversation? Did it flow naturally? Is there a mutual sense of attraction? If you answered yes and the moment feels right, a kiss might be a nice way to end the date. On the flip side, if you’re not sure if you have chemistry or you’re not feeling confident, it’s perfectly okay to end the date with a hug or simple goodbye and save a kiss for another time. What’s more, Baratz suggests that if you’re really unsure, you can ask your date about their preferences. “Communication is always a good idea,” he notes.

Is it typical to kiss on the first date?

The question of whether it’s normal to kiss on a first date varies from situation to situation. According to We-Vibe sexologist Dr. Jess O’Reilly, however, “It’s common to kiss on a first date and many people use kissing to gauge interest, chemistry, and compatibility.” That said, the actual percentage of people who kiss on a first date strongly varies depending on personal preferences and the specific dynamics of the date. (In some cultures, kissing on the first date is expected, while in others, it might be seen as rushing things.) Ultimately, what’s typical can depend on the context—your age, the dating culture you’re part of, and even the location where the date takes place. (Think: are a lot of people around, do you have any privacy, etc.) Regardless of what’s typical or not, the most important thing is to take into consideration your own comfort level and your date’s comfort level.

“I think the most important thing is that you’re getting emotionally intimate before you get physically intimate.” —Dr. Wendy Walsh, psychology professor

Is it a bad first date if you don’t kiss?

Okay, so you had a date and the person you went with didn’t kiss you. You’re probably asking yourself if it was a bad date, and that’s totally fair. Fear not, because Dr. Wendy Walsh, psychology professor, and relationship expert with DatingAdvice.com says definitely not! “In fact, moving too fast physically can be a red flag if you’re looking for a long-term relationship,” she adds. “In heterosexual relationships, if a man is at his state of readiness for a committed relationship, and he really likes a woman, he’ll be afraid to scare her off by being too forward on a first date. Of course, if you’re looking for a short-term relationship, a first-date kiss is a great sign!”

Ultimately, because people approach dating with different levels of comfort and expectations, not kissing on a first date could mean that both parties are taking their time to get to know each other (Read: not a bad sign). Realistically, the success of a first date can be better measured by the quality of the conversation, the connection you felt, and whether there’s mutual interest in seeing each other again. In other words, if you didn’t get a kiss, don’t overthing it. Chances are, that just might be a good thing.

How long should you date before you kiss?

In terms of kissing timelines, there’s no hard and fast rule. “I think the most important thing is that you’re getting emotionally intimate before you get physically intimate,” says Dr. Walsh. “We are not wired to have sex with strangers. In our anthropological past, every sex partner was either someone we knew or someone who had been vetted by the tribe. Meeting a stranger and kissing them can be a terrifying experience on a deep biological level. So, it’s a good idea to build some level of familiarity and trust before sampling their immune system cells.” (Yes, that’s what kissing is!)

However, if you do want an answer that involves more of a timeline, pay attention to the dynamics between you and your partner. Look for signs of mutual interest and comfort. This can look like positive body language (maybe they’re being touchy), engaging conversations, and a natural flow when it comes to your interactions. If you’re unsure, taking things at a slower pace and focusing on building a genuine connection can be a good approach. Plus, this might make the first kiss more passionate. At the end of the day, there’s no rush when it comes to the first kiss—let the relationship develop at its own speed and let a kiss happen when it feels right for both of you.

How to go in for a first kiss

The moment is here and you’ve decided to go in for a first kiss (eep!). This particular gesture requires a mix of both confidence and sensitivity since it’s all about reading the moment correctly and making sure both you and your date are on the same page. If you feel that the connection is there, then it’s time to make a move. But, how do you make that move? Follow these steps.

1. Work through the nerves

It’s normal to be nervous before a first kiss–it is a first kiss after all! Luckily, there’s a way to make it less nerve-racking. “Take a deep breath before going in and focus on being in the moment,” says Sexologist and Professor of Sexual Communication at California State University Fullerton Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD. “Nerves come from uncertainty and overthinking but if you try to stay present in the moment, you’ll do just fine.”

2. Check in on their body language

Body language is everything when it comes to gauging if someone is interested in you. Are they leaning towards you? Are they looking into your eyes? Do they seem to be looking at your lips? These nonverbal communication cues can tell you if someone is attracted to you and ultimately wants to kiss you.

3. Ask for consent

Before kissing someone, it’s important to ask for consent. Say something like, “Can I kiss you,” or “I’d love to kiss you right now if you’d like to.” According to relationship and break-up coach and expert Angelika Koch, “This will show you are respectful of who they are and the boundaries they might have.” Even if someone seems interested, they might not want to kiss on a first date. And, that doesn’t mean they don’t like you–it might just mean they have different boundaries or preferences.

4. Keep it simple

As they say, less is more. “Start with a slow kiss,” Koch says. “Try not to start passionately. The first kiss should be a tease of what is to come.” It’s best not to take things too far here. Just let the kiss happen organically, and if you notice things heating up, try to take a step back so you can respect boundaries.

5. Enjoy the moment

First kisses are supposed to be fun, so try to be fully present and appreciate the connection you’re sharing. Focus on the positive feelings and the excitement of the experience rather than any anxiety or expectations. By being in the moment and letting go of any self-consciousness, you can create a more meaningful and memorable experience for both you and your date.

What percentage of first dates end with a kiss?

Wondering how many people are getting smooched after a first date? There’s also no hard and fast data here but, there are some things to consider. “The percentage of first dates that end with a kiss depends on the culture you’re in,” explains Koch. “If you’re in a place like France, there will likely be kissing involved on a first date. However, if you’re located in a place like Dubai, it might take a bit more time to get there. In America, it’s estimated that a little over half of all first dates end in a kiss.” Essentially, it all depends on preference. Some people might like making out every night with different dates while others are more interested in when to go on a second date with someone they’re interested in.

Did I mess up by not kissing on my first date?

If you went on a date and had a connection but didn’t kiss the person, you didn’t mess up. It’s perfectly okay to hold off on a kiss if it doesn’t feel right or if you’re not yet sure about the connection. The key is that both you and your date feel comfortable and respected. Many successful relationships begin without a kiss on the first date, and it can be more important to focus on building a genuine connection and ensuring that both of you are on the same page. Overall, if you enjoyed the date and felt a positive connection, it’s likely that there will be future opportunities to have that first kiss.

Not to mention, there are other ways to show someone you’re interested in them without kissing them. A 2023 clinical article titled Love and Affectionate Touch Toward Romantic Partners All Over the World¹ dives into how people show affection towards others. This can include showing people signs of affection through holding hands, being touchy, giving them compliments, and being considerate. (Not to mention, these could also be signs someone is in love with you if you’ve been dating them for a while.)

Is it normal if the first kiss is bad?

Okay, so you went in for the kiss and it was bad. Don’t panic. “It’s perfectly normal for a first kiss to be bad,” says Koch. “Sometimes people are nervous when it comes to the first kiss and will react or kiss in a way they don’t typically do.” For more background, a clinical study published in 2023 titled Can a Kiss Conquer All? The Predictive Utility of Idealized First Kiss Beliefs on Reports of Romantic Love Among US Adults² examined how people’s beliefs about the importance of a first kiss influence how they kiss. This suggests that these beliefs can shape how people experience and interpret their romantic connections, with the first kiss being a meaningful predictor of their feelings of love.

As for what you can take from this? Some people hold the first kiss in high regard, which can make it all that more nerve-racking. However, that just means that they might be more nervous, which can make a first kiss “bad” because they aren’t paying attention to the other person’s cues and what they want in the moment. The good news? The more comfortable you two become, the better the kissing will be.

Final thoughts of if you should kiss on a first date

No matter what, deciding whether to kiss on a first date is a personal choice that hinges on comfort levels, the chemistry between both people and the overall vibe of the date. There’s no universal rule for when to have a first kiss; instead, the best approach is to do what makes you both comfortable. While, yes, a kiss can be a natural and exciting way to express your emotions, it should always feel consensual and genuine. And, without a doubt, the success of a first date isn’t determined by whether or not a kiss happens but by the quality of your time together. Remember, dating should be fun! Kiss your worries goodbye–the right person is out there.