If you’re familiar with attachment styles, you know that learning about them can help you better understand yourself and how you function in your daily life. While attachment styles can show up in relationships with your family, friendships, and at work, we most commonly see attachment theory focused on romantic relationships. It’s here that we typically run into the anxious-avoidant dating trap.

If you’re new to the concept, there are four attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, secure, and disorganized. Those with a secure attachment can meet their needs and feel safe asking their partner for help when needed. Anxiously attached styles struggle to regulate their emotions and meet their needs independently and may rely on others to help them. Avoidantly attached styles tend to push connections with others away, only trusting themselves to meet their needs and hesitating to form closer bonds with others. People with avoidant attachment styles tend to exhibit traits from both anxious and avoidant attachment styles, and they struggle to meet their needs with others’ help or on their own.

Unlike other “personality assessments” you may be familiar with, attachment styles aren’t meant to label you with something that defines you for the rest of your life. People with insecure attachment styles, such as anxious and avoidant, can learn skills to become securely attached. However, for many with insecure attachment issues, it can feel more natural to gravitate toward those who trigger our attachment needs rather than heal them.

When anxiously-attached and avoidantly-attached types gravitate towards each other, an ongoing cycle emerges: one person seeks connections and validation intensely, the other avoids and pushes the connection away, and the original person fights harder to gain the validation they long for. In most cases, the other party’s response is to continue pushing their partner away, which can set the stage for a frustrating trap. “This can understandably make both individuals feel triggered,” says Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC who is a licensed anxiety, trauma, attachment, and relationship therapist based in Los Angeles. “But these triggers aren’t just about what’s happening at the moment—they’re rooted in our early childhood experiences.”

Ahead, read what Groskopf and her fellow experts have to say about the causes of the anxious-avoidant dating trap and how to climb out of it if you find yourself caught.

What is the anxious-avoidant dating trap?

“The anxious-avoidant dating trap occurs when individuals with anxious attachment styles and those with avoidant attachment styles end up dating each other,” explains Sefora Ray, LMFT, a relationship coach. When these two styles enter a relationship, things can become complicated quickly. “…One partner constantly seeks closeness and reassurance (anxious), while the other craves space and independence (avoidant),” explains Gorskopf. “It’s essentially a cycle where one is always chasing, and the other is always withdrawing.”

Ray says this cycle can cause both parties to have a negative, even triggering, view of the other. “An anxious attacher may cling or appear needy, causing the avoidant attacher to become upset or triggered. The avoidant attacher then withdraws, leading the anxious attacher to become more upset and push the avoidant further away.” However, the avoidant partner isn’t gone for good, she clarifies. “Eventually, the distance grows so wide that when the avoidant attacher returns, the anxious attacher is still upset, perpetuating a painful push-pull dynamic.”

“It’s important to understand that no attachment style is inherently ‘bad.'” —Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC

Despite how frustrating this can be for both sides if issues aren’t addressed, the cycle will continue until one or both parties end the relationship. However, they will likely still deal with these issues again in future relationships until they can become securely attached. According to Groskopf, these dynamics often start during childhood. “Imagine a child who only gets attention and praise when they’re performing or being helpful, but their emotional needs are overlooked when they’re sad or even happy. This child might grow up anxious, always seeking validation from others to feel like they’re doing the right thing. On the other hand, a child whose emotional needs are routinely ignored learns to rely on themselves and keep their distance to avoid disappointment.”

How do you know if you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style?

“To determine if you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, it’s best to get an attachment audit or speak with a therapist specializing in attachment. Online quizzes are available, but they may not be comprehensive,” says Ray. If you’re currently unable to seek out those resources, there are a few traits of each style that may help point you in the right direction.

Anxious attachment

Anxious attachment often derives from a fear of abandonment and results in the person with this attachment style clinging tightly to those they love out of fear that their need for connection and love won’t be met. Some traits of a person with an anxious attachment style may include:

• Struggling to regulate their needs on their own, and depending on someone else to help them.
• Needing constant reassurance and consistent validation that they’re loved and that the person is sticking around.
• Fear that if their partner isn’t in constant contact, they will forget about them and their needs (lack of emotional permanence).
• Overthinking specific experiences or words used, blowing them out of proportion.
• Experiencing emotions in extremes, such as getting immensely angry or deeply upset when their partner isn’t meeting their needs.
• Have trouble voicing their needs but act passive-aggressively when their partner doesn’t meet those unspoken needs.
• A feeling of abandonment if a partner distances themselves or isn’t constantly engaged in the relationship (for example, if they take too long to text you back).

Avoidant attachment

An avoidant attachment style may be caused by a fear of rejection and abandonment. Some traits of a person with an avoidant attachment style may include:

• Struggling to be open with their emotions, or not entirely in tune with what they are feeling.
• An intense focus on maintaining their autonomy and freedom at all costs
• Being hyper-independent, refusing to ask anyone for help even when it’s needed.
• Feeling overwhelmed by their emotions and handling them by shutting down or stonewalling.
• Habitually avoiding conversations where conflict may occur by “taking space,” hoping the conflict will go away on its own.
• Being more blunt or frank in speech.¹
• Feeling trapped or smothered when a partner requests something (for example, seeking validation or a clear definition of what the relationship is).

“It’s important to understand that no attachment style is inherently ‘bad,’” Groskopf emphasizes. “I often hear discussions around attachment that make it seem like avoidant or anxious styles are problematic, but that’s not the case. Each attachment style is just a way we’ve learned to cope with our need for connection.” Even those with secure attachments aren’t always perfect in relationships. “Secure attachment isn’t about never getting triggered or having a perfect relationship. It’s about being self-aware, communicating openly, understanding your partner’s needs, and working through challenges together,” Groskopf says.

Signs you might be caught in an anxious-avoidant dating trap

So, what are the signs that you’re in an anxious-avoidant trap? The main issue is how each party’s needs are being met (or not met) and how they impact each other. “For example, the anxious partner might feel insecure if their partner doesn’t quickly reply to messages or wants to spend a weekend alone. Meanwhile, the avoidant partner might feel overwhelmed by constant check-ins or feel like they have to justify or repeat how they feel,” explains Groskopf. This source of tension can start a chain reaction of responses and coping mechanisms that perpetuate an unhealthy dynamic. Ahead, see a few signs you might be caught in an anxious-avoidant dating trap, according to experts.

1. Anxious partner seeks connection while avoidant partner pulls away

“In an anxious-avoidant relationship, conflicts are often over closeness and space,” says Groskopf. “The anxious partner might constantly seek reassurance by frequently texting or calling to feel connected, while the avoidant partner turns their phone off and delays responses [for example].” While these moments can feel small, these types of conflict often kickstart the cycle.

2. Anxious partner feels abandoned while avoidant partner feels trapped

Feeling the avoidant partner pulling away or distancing themselves activates a deep-rooted fear in the anxious partner. “You [anxious partner] feel easily abandoned, and your partner is very dismissive about those feelings,” says Ray. Reacting to this fear, they may spiral and need to reach out or seek validation more urgently to reassure themselves that the relationship isn’t in peril. On the other hand, the avoidant partner may feel trapped or smothered by the anxious partner’s bids for closeness, even if those requests are reasonable. The avoidant partner then feels that their freedom or autonomy is in danger, and they feel the need to protect this part of themselves to avoid being hurt.

3. Anxious partner tries to voice concerns while avoidant partner pushes away further

By this point, the anxious partner will try to voice their concerns or ask their avoidant partner if something is wrong. They may do this calmly at first, but if the avoidant partner doesn’t respond, the anxious partner may become intensely angry or upset, lashing out and making assumptions that their partner doesn’t care about them or their relationship. They may go to these extremes to push the avoidant partner to express that their relationship has value and matters to them.

“Start by recognizing your attachment patterns. Understanding where these behaviors come from helps you make conscious changes.” —Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC

The avoidant partner usually responds by not taking the concerns seriously or taking space from the situation—usually without saying why or indicating when they will return. This only exacerbates the anxious partner’s fears that they are being abandoned or broken up with. “[The avoidant’s] dismissive behavior causes [the anxious partner] to become very angry, which then causes them to be even more dismissive.” The avoidant partner views the anxious partner’s needs as “too much,” even if they are well within reason for a relationship. “[The anxious partner] is in a constant conversation about not getting enough quality time while [the avoidant partner] is overworking or overly committed to things outside the relationship,” explains Ray. This stage can be repeated multiple times.

4. Anxious partner feels defeated and gives up or goes silent in protest

After multiple rounds of seeking connection, the anxious partner may feel taken for granted. “You [anxious partner] feel like you’re doing all of the emotional managing in the relationship, and your partner is not,” says Ray. The anxious partner feels defeated and will stop trying to ask for reassurance or give the silent treatment, sometimes referred to as “protest behavior.” They will continue to feel frustrated and hurt but won’t express those emotions to their partner.

5. Avoidant partner returns, seeking connection and things going smoothly.

When the anxious partner stops reaching out or making requests of the avoidant partner, they may briefly feel relieved. When the anxious partner continues to be silent or withdrawn, the avoidant partner begins to feel activated and concerned. While avoidant partners may push connection away for fear of being hurt, they still long for it deep down. When this fear emerges, the avoidant partner will reach out to the anxious partner, seeking to connect.

However, the avoidant partner usually doesn’t try to repair the issues or get to the heart of the problem. They may apologize for disappearing or being distant, promise not to engage in the behavior again, and try to push past any deeper conflicts to get things back to “normal quickly,” but likely won’t follow through. In this situation, the anxious partner will likely be thrilled that the avoidant partner has returned and will accept their apology. Without addressing the real issues or trying to heal their attachment wounds, however, both partners will start the same cycle over again next time a conflict arises.

How to break the anxious-avoidant dating trap cycle

If you recognize this cycle in your dating life, the next question is how to stop the anxious-avoidant dating trap. This cycle doesn’t have to persist, even if you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style. So, what is the solution to breaking this cycle?

1. 1.
   Recognize your attachment pattern: “To break this cycle, start by recognizing your attachment patterns. Understanding where these behaviors come from helps you make conscious changes,” says Groskopf. If you know you’re an anxiously attached person, you can learn how to use coping strategies that will help you self-soothe when you’re not feeling as connected to your partner rather than spiraling or solely depending on them to help you calm down emotionally.
2. 2.
   Be aware of the patterns you do together: Once you’ve pinpointed your own attachment style and your behaviors, it’s essential to notice the bad habits you each contribute to in the relationships, according to Ray.  “You need to notice what’s happening when you’re stressed or upset in a relationship and what your current strategies are to manage the upset with each other.”
3. 3.
   Communication: “Open communication is important because it allows both partners to understand each other’s needs and fears,” explains Groskopf. “Knowing that these behaviors are protective mechanisms from childhood makes it easier to empathize with each other instead of blaming.” The pitfall is understanding that each person approaches the need or desire to communicate differently. “The anxiously attached person tends to want to talk. This isn’t inherently a problem, but they often overly utilize talking. They tend to talk a lot and fast, without breaks or pauses, expecting the listener to hold space for long periods without [giving input]. They aren’t connected to the person they’re talking to,” Ray explains.

Ray continues, “Similarly, the avoidantly attached person tends to withdraw when upset. While going away to calm down isn’t inherently bad, they cannot often talk through their upsets or reconnect with their partner after withdrawing. It’s like having one part of a skill but not the second half.” With this in mind, each partner needs to become better at communicating what they need. An avoidantly attached partner can express when they need to take space, for example, and then give a specific time frame for when they will return and reconnect with the anxious partner. The anxious partner, in return, can express how they feel to their avoidant partner during that time frame and give space and time for the partner to process their feelings without dumping it all on them at once.

Seek professional help

“Therapy can be really helpful here. It offers a safe space to explore these dynamics and learn how to support each other,” recommends Groskopf. “A therapist can provide strategies to create emotional safety, which is necessary for both partners to feel secure.” Ideally, a therapist who specializes in or has a vast knowledge of attachment theory can be beneficial in helping you figure out steps to take to become a more securely attached person. Additionally, a therapist can help introduce strategies for each partner to work on that can gear you toward becoming more securely attached. “Secure couples often co-regulate, which involves slow, quiet, connected physical affection that calms the nervous system. Learning to incorporate these behaviors more into your relationship can help reduce the anxious-avoidant trap,” advises Ray.

Set boundaries

“Setting clear boundaries is also important,” Groskopf emphasizes. “For example, plan regular date nights to maintain your connection, but also respect each other’s need for personal space and downtime.” Setting boundaries should involve taking actions that impact your behavior, rather than trying to control the other person. An anxious partner saying, “If you don’t text me back right now, I’m breaking up with you!” isn’t a boundary. However, expressing that you won’t be part of a relationship where a person refuses to communicate specifies an action you will take, not a way to control your partner’s actions.

Why are anxious and avoidant people attracted to each other?

When reflecting on the ways anxious and avoidant people react and how different they are, it’s easy to wonder how they are drawn to each other in the first place. Both Ray and Groskopf agree that the main reason for this connection is that the dynamics between the two feel familiar and comfortable—even if they are unhealthy. “For the anxious partner, the avoidant’s initial independence can seem stable and secure. On the other hand, the anxious partner’s desire for closeness can initially make the avoidant feel valued and needed. This dynamic mirrors their early experiences (i.e. mother wounds): the anxious partner is seeking the consistent connection they needed as a child, while the avoidant partner is maintaining the distance they learned to rely on by showing the world that they essentially have no needs,” Groskopf explains. “They are used to not having someone available to them, needing to be alone, or dealing with someone who is frequently upset. Essentially, they are replaying a template from their childhood in their adult relationships,” adds Ray.

“Anxious and avoidant individuals can absolutely have healthy relationships by understanding their patterns and working together through trust, mutual respect, and emotional support.” —Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC

While there can be comfort, the negative parts of the relationship can also feel familiar to each partner. “If you are used to one or both parents being distant emotionally, or feeling like you have to be accommodating or perfect to get attention as a child, then you might find yourself drawn or attracted to people who are aloof and distant. You will work hard to try to get their attention and even miss red flags early in a relationship that they won’t be able to meet your needs,” Ray explains. “If you have an avoidant attachment style, you might have had an anxious parent or someone who was often disappointed in you. So when your partner gets angry at you, it is familiar to you in the past, and you distance yourself but also don’t know how closeness could be different.”

While it may seem puzzling to stay in a dynamic that causes stress or pain, humans are often drawn to what is familiar over what isn’t. If a secure, consistent environment wasn’t familiar growing up, you’re likely going to feel uncomfortable when you are in that kind of environment and won’t be sure how to react. If a secure person is acting stable and trying to reassure you during a conflict, this might make your anxious or avoidant traits stand out even more. You may get defensive and avoid secure attachments because you’ve never had experience with them. Additionally, when you enter into a relationship with someone who is anxious or avoidant, you may not realize it immediately. According to this study², the most obvious traits of anxious and avoidant people become increasingly evident when a person is under stress, which may not occur until you’ve already been in the relationship for a while.

Final thoughts on the anxious-avoidant dating trap

If you’re currently in an anxious-avoidant relationship, there are still ways to have a strong relationship without falling into an anxious-avoidant dating trap. “Anxious and avoidant individuals can absolutely have healthy relationships by understanding their patterns and working together through trust, mutual respect, and emotional support,” Groskopf says. “But most importantly, and I cannot stress this enough, earned secure attachment is about learning to both give and receive love.” As long as everyone involved in the relationship is committed to building healthy dynamics and working through any issues that may arise, you can still have a successful, secure relationship.