The best BS Cleopatra legend is that she invented the vibrator using a hollowed out gourd filled with bees. While there’s no recorded evidence of that having been the case, here’s what I know: If the trendsetting Queen of the Nile were around today, she would have Zalo’s Bess Clitoral Massager ($99) in a place of honor on her nightstand.

That’s not just because the Bess is an objectively gorgeous vibe inspired by ancient Egypt (I own it in obsidian black, but it comes in other arresting jewel tones, such as turquoise green and velvet purple.) It’s because the toy, which debuted in February, comes with a number of attachments that make it a do-it-all pleasure scepter fit for a royal. This vibrator is special, to put it in commoner’s terms. 

The name for the toy comes from Bastet, the Egyptian goddess of the home, domesticity, women’s secrets, fertility, childbirth, and cats. In fact, Bastet, like many of us in quarantine, was literally a cat woman. And to be sure, the Bess toy is full of secrets: Taylor Sparks, erotic educator and founder of sexual wellness emporium Organic Loven is a major fan of the toy and loves the variety it offers via its many attachments.

“If you’re a fan of clitoral stimulation, the pinpoint ball attachment is so very precise. The G-spot attachment is easy to slip on, and the vibrating insertable ‘handle’ all work wonders with the eight vibration modes.” —Taylor Sparks, erotic educator

“If you’re a fan of clitoral stimulation, the pinpoint ball attachment is so very precise,” Sparks says. “The G-spot attachment is easy to slip on, and the vibrating insertable ‘handle’ all work wonders with the eight vibration modes. Lastly, the nipple stimulating attachment is a fun bonus. Changing the attachments is very easy, as they all just slip over the gold metal tip, which you could also use without the silicone attachments if that is a feeling you enjoy.”

Here’s what happened when I tried the Bess Clitoral Massager, an elite sex toy fit for royalty

Shop Now:Bess Clitoral Massager ($99)

With so many ways to play, it’s a solid investment. The crown cap attachment gives soft, serrated bliss to any erogenous zone, but I found it to be best used for nipple play. And while I almost never opt for internal sex toys, I legitimately loved the G-spot extender on the Bess. It’s flexible yet firm, slim, and not too long, so it feels not dissimilar from a finger. Honestly, I find it much more enjoyable than any kind of robotically phallic vibrator.

But where Bess shines is in using the ball cap and applying direct-to-clitoris attention. Clitoral stimulation is the quickest way for most vulva-owners to orgasm, and the direct attention from this toy means you can expect to get your orgasm fast. But with this toy, it’s still a climax that feels head-to-toe enjoyable instead of cheap. It feels like you’re saying, “You, there, bring me my orgasm,” and Bess is like,”Yes, your majesty, have 23 in a row.” Essentially, it made me feel like royalty.

Likewise, I rate toys based on the post-orgasm glow they afford me, and I really carried myself differently after I used Bess. I put on my aquamarine ring, gold hoops, and evil eye necklace. I switched my humdrum bralettes for my Love, Vera mesh halter bra, and I even put on low-rise underwear (never again, but it was nice while it lasted). I wore my black turtleneck dress that makes me feel myself, and I received bedroom eyes from the folks who work at pizza place where I get delivery. I wish that last part sounded more impressive, but FWIW they are the only men I entertain these days. All of that’s to say, I certainly felt regal in the aftermath of using the Bess.

If you’re extremely sensitive in the clitoral region, Bess might be better used with an erotic barrier of sorts, but if you love fully targeted clit stimulation, welcome to the Field of Reeds, my friend. That aside, I’d recommend Bess to absolutely anyone who wants to step into their erotic power. It’s stylish, sensation-rich, unique, and beats the hell out of a gourd filled with bees.

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