Read an excerpt from Olga Khazan’s new book Me, But Better, in which she explores a year of tweaking her personality and habits.

Is it possible to fundamentally change your personality—like, really change it? How does one become more self-disciplined, sociable, or even happier? After experiencing an existential crisis, Olga Khazan, a writer for The Atlantic, aimed to transform herself in just one year. She details her fascinating journey in her new book, Me, But Better: The Science and Promise of Personality Change. Khazan embarks on an adventure to become the person she wants to be: she takes improv classes, debates motherhood, and embraces new experiences to push herself out of her comfort zone. 

Through research and skepticism, Khazan re-evaluated her priorities, values, and what makes her, well, her. Read an excerpt here:  

ACTing in Line with Your Values

People understandably try to avoid difficult feelings like discomfort, sadness, or anxiety. But those feelings can be a sign that something matters to you, and is therefore worth pursuing. In fact, a type of psychotherapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT, suggests that what we cherish most is often precisely what prompts deep feelings of anguish and uncertainty. ACT encourages you to identify what it is you care about—your values—and behave in a way that accords with those values, even if doing so frightens you at times. I find it easiest to remember ACT through this acronym: accept your negative feelings (A), commit to your values (C), and take action (T) toward the kind of life you want to live. It can be a helpful sequence to remember when you're trying on new personality traits. In the case of improv, that might mean accepting that I feel stage fright, recognizing that one of my values is to be more outgoing, and doing the showcase anyway.

ACT was originated by Steven Hayes, a psychology professor at the University of Nevada, Reno. Early in his career, Hayes used ACT­ adjacent skills to overcome the panic attacks that at times impaired his ability to teach. Rather than fight the panic, he accepted it. A 2006 Time magazine profile describes Hayes learning "to be playful with his thoughts, to hold them lightly: You feel panicky? Or depressed? Or incompetent? 'Thank your mind for that thought; he likes to say:' Over the years, Hayes developed this gonzo panic—recovery into the ACT program, which has held up in many clinical studies.

I picked up Hayes's book about ACT, A Liberated Mind, to try to learn how to perform ACT on myself. (Hayes says it can be done with or without a therapist.) In the book, Hayes explains that trying to avoid situations that incite fear, like public speaking or socializing, might paradoxically increase the intensity of that fear. Instead, you should try to "defuse" from your thoughts, Hayes writes, or notice that you're thinking them without buying into their content. A form of defusion might be to say to yourself, 'I’m having the thought that I'm too anxious to socialize:' This doesn't mean you decide you really are too anxious and stay in for the night. Think of it like a word of advice from someone you don't totally trust: You can choose to believe your thoughts only to the extent that they serve you.

Then you can decide instead to act in accordance with what you value. Hayes defines values as "enduring, ongoing guides to living;' and as distinct from goals, which are finite and achievable. A value might be "be a good parent;' for example, while a goal might be "make it to every dance recital this year:' You might miss a dance recital but still be a good parent in other ways, and attending the dance recitals doesn't mean you can give up on good parenting the rest of the time. Hayes advises people to do something every day that fits with their values.

"Values" might sound vague—and vaguely religious—but they are the focus of several ascendant mental—health strategies. Many experts recommend discovering your values so that you can behave in a way that honors them. A type of therapy called "behavioral activation" encourages depressed people to perform activities that align with their values—like exercising or caring for their kids—without waiting to feel less depressed first. Even episodic future thinking—in which you build conscientiousness by vividly imagining your future self—involves first probing your values so that your actions can move you closer to them. Committing to your values can help you remain dedicated to changing your personality, even when doing so feels deeply unpleasant.

After I read his book, I asked Hayes to expand on his work in an interview. He's seventy-four, with a perfectly bald head and a youthful vigor. As we talked, I learned that his brother had died suddenly two months prior. Hayes was thinking about the basketball game he'd be attending later, and about how he'd be sitting next to his brother's empty season—ticket seat. "I feel sad talking about that;' he said, then paused. "That's what love looks like.”

The anecdote illustrates one of the main points of his philosophy, which is that "you hurt where you care:' If something is painful or sad, it's often because you value it: Hayes says the most common reaction to acknowledging our values is tears. Because we all have things in our lives that we value, bad feelings are going to be a part of life. You can't avoid them, but you can accept them while doing whatever matters to you anyway.

To identify your own values, Hayes recommends examining your life through four lenses: sweet, sad, heroes, and stories. For "sweet:' think about moments in your life filled with deep vitality, connection, or purpose. Why were those moments so meaningful for you? The answer might point to an important value. Under "sad;' what are the most painful moments in your life, the ones that ripped your heart open? Why do you think you cared so much about them? For a "hero;' think about someone who embodies an attribute you'd like to have. What would it take for you to possess that same trait? And finally, think about how you would write the story of your life. How would you want to be remembered? Those "epitaph" qualities are often the ones we wish we exhibited more in day-to-day life.

When Hayes was describing this framework, I immediately thought of a "hero" in my own life who embodies a value I hold dear. My friend Kathy has a remarkable ability to make friends wherever she goes, and I've always admired it. (According to the Big Five, she'd probably rank high on extroversion and agreeableness.) I love how she makes other people feel smart and funny, and I'm jealous of how naturally she scoops up even people she shares little in common with. Kathy moved to St. Louis during the pandemic, and within weeks she was mingling with new friends at dinner parties.

After I learned about Hayes's exercise, in new-friendship situations I started occasionally asking myself, "What would Kathy do?"—yes, like the WWJD bracelets from church camp. One time I even straight­ forwardly asked her for friendship tips—it turns out one is the rather simple strategy of reaching out to people you only kind—of know and asking them to hang out. It's not that I act exactly like Kathy now. But when I'm deciding between seeing a friend or staying in to watch Netflix, I know what Kathy would do. And I try to do it.

Ideally, values should guide your daily behavior, leading you toward the right thing to do regardless of what's happening in your brain or what happened in the past. Following your values can help provide the energy to perform the often—difficult activities of personality change, since presumably you value the trait you're working toward. Values cast a spotlight on whatever's important, and invite you to step in.

Excerpted from Me, But Better: The Science and Promise of Personality Change by Olga Khazan. Copyright © 2025 by Olga Khazan. Reprinted by permission of Simon Element,  an imprint of Simon & Schuster, LLC.