LifestyleParenting

How Forging Holiday Traditions as a First-Time Mom Has Brought Me Closer to My Own Family—And Myself

Discover how one new mom is creating holiday traditions with her husband and twins to reconnect with her own family, miles from her home.

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Photo: Courtesy of Ali Finney/W+G Creative
Published Dec 15, 2023

Written by 

Ali Finney

I moved to New York City from Austin, Texas, about 10 years ago, terrified of what my life would be like here, but more terrified of how I’d feel if I never gave a magazine writing career a real go. I tried to chicken out of living here and move back home multiple times; there was an eight-month stint in Dallas at a local magazine and plenty of job applications sent to brands closer to my home. But 10 years on, nowhere has ever felt more like home than NYC.

Experts in This Article

Bisma Anwar

licensed mental health counselor and online therapist with Talkspace

That is, until I became a mom to twins this year. While there’s long been a disconnect between where I need to be for work and where the people whom I love most in the world live, before becoming a mom, I could jet down to Texas to see family for Thanksgiving and bounce back just as easily for Christmas. But as my life has become filled with the new responsibilities of motherhood, that ease of travel and access to family has diminished. This year, it’s been replaced with FaceTiming family in our Halloween costumes, photos sent from Thanksgiving tables miles away, and a bulk of the Christmas season spent apart.

Starting a new family with my husband has made the distance from my own feel that much larger—especially as we navigate our first holiday season as parents. “Living far from family [during new motherhood] means dealing with changes and uncertainties with less support, which can be emotionally taxing,” says therapist Bisma Anwar, LMHC.

Research has shown that younger folks living in individualistic societies—like that of the United States, where the different generations of a family tend to live in different homes and cities—report higher levels of loneliness1 than those living in collectivist societies, in which families have communal homes and support networks. Taking this in tandem with a 2021 study showing that having a baby led women in England to feel “dislocated”2 from their former selves indicates that new moms often face a sea of change that can rip them from their sense of place in the world, particularly if they lack nearby support. Indeed, anthropologists often use a parallel term to adolescence—matrescence—to describe the socioemotional transition of entering motherhood, as the process can entirely transform your identity in much the same way.

That’s certainly been the case for me. While I wasn’t sure what motherhood would be like, “dislocated” isn’t a bad description in my experience. Over the course of the nine months that I was pregnant and the eight months since my twins have been here, I’ve found myself fighting to get back to who I once was—to feel like I once felt. Free. Unattached. However, as I’ve gotten more comfortable in my role as a mom, I find these feelings just dig me further into a place where my life is unrecognizable from what it once was.

The same can honestly be said for my experience of living far away from my family in Texas and experiencing the holidays this year on my own (albeit with my husband and kids). The more I pine for shared moments with my own mom, the further away from home I tend to feel.

To shrink that distance, however, my husband and I have begun to replicate certain traditions that we hold dear and carve out new ones of our own. “Creating and maintaining new traditions can provide a sense of control and stability in a mother’s life,” says Anwar.

“Creating and maintaining new traditions can provide a sense of control and stability in a mother’s life.” —Bisma Anwar, LMHC, therapist

A key way we’ve done this is with food. Every Christmas Eve, my grandmother would make a Christmas punch that was an icy blend of pineapple, orange, and cranberry juice, set to sparkle with a bit of ginger ale. And in recent months, it’s become a fixture at any holiday gathering. So, too, is a chocolate sheath cake that somehow is the only cake that gets better as the days go by. With every sip and every bite, I feel a little more connected to who I am and where I’ve been.

“Establishing new traditions with local friends or immediate family can foster a sense of community and reduce feelings of isolation,” says Anwar, adding that it can also help with adaptability and resilience in early motherhood. “It teaches a new parent to navigate change positively, fostering a mindset that can be beneficial in various aspects of life,” she says.

I always knew that I wanted to get individual Christmas trees for my kids’ rooms that they get to decorate on their own to express their individuality. The Charlie Brown tree in their nursery is a chance to let them show their interests as they grow, but this year, it was also a nice way to establish a holiday tradition that I hope lasts a lifetime. And the same can be said of seeing The Nutcracker at Lincoln Center, visiting Santa in Bryant Park, and the list continues to build.

Living in New York City offers so many opportunities for anyone to have firsts. I’ve been here a decade, but I’ve probably only explored one percent of what the city has to offer, even just around the holiday season. Getting to experience so many of these firsts with my kids acts as a nice balm to not being around the other arms of my family.

After all, part of why I wanted kids in the first place was so that I could see life through their eyes and experience the wonder of childhood once more. Being an adult is filled with logistical pressures and societal expectations, but being a child gives us a chance to seek joy and believe in magic. In my first Christmas as a mom—far away from home and expecting to feel a bit nostalgic—the call to both of those feels stronger than ever.

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  1. Barreto, Manuela et al. “Loneliness around the world: Age, gender, and cultural differences in loneliness.” Personality and individual differences vol. 169 (2021): 110066. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2020.110066

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  2. Taylor, Billie Lever et al. “Mums Alone: Exploring the Role of Isolation and Loneliness in the Narratives of Women Diagnosed with Perinatal Depression.” Journal of clinical medicine vol. 10,11 2271. 24 May. 2021, doi:10.3390/jcm10112271

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LifestyleParenting

Why Parents Fear the Dreaded ‘Sundown Scaries’

The dreaded 'sundown scaries' may cause parenting anxiety during the last hours of the day when anticipation about the night hits.

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Photo: Stocksy/Danil Nevsky
Published Dec 10, 2024

Written by 

Rachel Kraus

Night falls, and quiet permeates the house. A cloud moves across the moon, the wind rustles through the trees. All is still—but something approaches. A prowler, a nightmare? No, no. It’s the “sundown scaries,” the anticipatory fear and anxiety that can strike parents in the evening before bed. Conversation has been churning on social media, with a handful of TikToks about “sundown scaries” garnering hundreds of thousands of views. The videos, and many of the comments, bemoan how little people talk about the phenomenon when it is apparently so common. Even if it’s not a clinical diagnosis, it’s certainly something many parents feel.

Experts in This Article

Sarah Honaker

clinical psychologist with board certification in behavioral sleep medicine, and associate professor of psychology and pediatrics at Indiana University School of Medicine

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“It’s definitely one of those things that no one prepared me for, that sense of dread or doom when the sun goes down,” says infant sleep specialist Rachel Shepard-Ohta on TikTok. “It almost feels like this homesickness in a way. It’s just a very sad, scary feeling every night.”

This feeling of foreboding that creeps in as the sun sets can become all too common during the winter months when the sun sets at an incredibly rude 4:30 pm. That’s known as “sunset anxiety,” and it’s linked to the natural drop in mood and energy that occurs in the evening. But those emotions can be even more dramatic for new parents—or really, anyone who deals with nighttime wakings, whether or not the cause is a howling infant. Darkness is “a very salient cue that night, and whatever it brings, is coming,” clinical psychologist Sarah Honaker, PhD, an associate professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at Indiana University School of Medicine, tells Well+Good.

Why is the evening so scary?

The evening can spark negative emotions for parents in a few ways. In the pre-baby era, the hours before bed probably consisted of taking time for yourself, having some fun, and winding down. With a newborn, that can actually be the time when laundry and dirty bottles pile up, and you don’t even have the energy to tackle them. In those moments, the overwhelm is real. At the same time, you might also feel anticipation about the physical agony awaiting you once you do manage to get horizontal. The contrast between what you were used to feeling in the night (relaxation) and what you face now (fatigue, care for another human being) can prompt those doldrums.

“Previously, you maybe had an idea that as the sun goes down, your responsibilities are also winding down,” Honaker says. “When you have a newborn, that is definitely no longer the case.”

Or maybe your little one makes the change in your lifestyle even more apparent. Some parents experience “witching hours,” when babies can be naturally more fussy during the evening (and when parents are naturally more tired). Want to end your day by stopping in at your favorite neighborhood pizza place? Or maybe even just relaxing with a glass of wine at home? Sorry, that’s not gonna happen with a tired baby. While exhausted from a long day, missing out on those past rituals can be its own sunset scary bitterness.

Pre-bedtime stress could even make it harder to get some shut-eye. This ZZZ-robbing sleep anxiety can make you even more nervous about the night.

“Nothing is worse than finally falling asleep and then having that cry wake you 30 minutes later,” Honaker says. “And so sometimes [anticipating] that can make it harder to fall asleep as well.”

How to face your (evening) fears

What can be done about the “sunset scaries” to make you feel better? If a baby is keeping you up, Honaker says to remember that this experience is temporary—you will sleep again.

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But Honaker also advises you to “protect your sleep.” Meaning, you should still try to prioritize sleep hygiene and, as much as possible, stick to a bedtime routine. At the same time, let’s take the pressure off the evenings. You don’t need to let the hour(s) between putting the baby down and your own bedtime be when you make judgements about your life.

“It’s not just about sleep, it’s about your feelings of productivity, your ability to relax, your image of what is a good parent, what is a good woman, what am I supposed to be, and how does that match up with what I am,” Honaker says. “This phenomenon really could get at a lot of those [questions].”

Finally, understand that you are not alone. The fact that there’s a catchy moniker for this emotional experience proves it. “It can be validating to know that the feelings that you’re having are a normal developmental experience and not something that is wrong with you,” Honaker says.

Just like the night, the “sunset scaries” will come to a natural end—whether with the development of your baby, or the passing of the seasons into more hours of daylight. In the meantime, be kind to yourself and know you’re doing your best.

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LifestyleParenting

Kids Are Being Exposed to Hormone-Disrupting Chemicals in Skin and Hair Care Products, New Research Says

New research discovered children may be exposed to hormone-disruptors from skin and hair products. An endocrinologists explains the risks.

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Photo: Getty Images/FG Trade
Published Sep 11, 2024

Written by 

Allison Forsyth

New research has discovered it’s likely that skin and hair care products are exposing children to potentially harmful endocrine-disrupting chemicals.

Experts in This Article

Gowri Reddy Rocco

double board-certified family medicine physician specializing in regenerative and hormone health

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The study, published last week in Environmental Health Perspectives1, collected urine samples from 630 kids ages 4 to 8 after parents were asked to fill out questionnaires about the exact types and brands of skin and hair care products used on the children in the past 24 hours. Concentrations of 16 different types of phthalates—a class of endocrine-disrupting chemicals—were found in the urine samples. Products associated with the highest levels of phthalates were body lotions, body oils, “2-in-1” shampoo and conditioners, and ointments. Black, Asian, and Hispanic children were also found to have higher phthalate urine levels than other sociodemographic groups.

While past studies have only looked at phthalates’ effects on fetuses, this study shows that young children are being consistently exposed to endocrine disruptors—chemicals that have been linked to long-term developmental and reproductive health effects, per the study.

What does this mean for parents; should we all be worried? And are there ways to protect children from phthalates? We spoke with Gowri Reddy Rocco, MD, a double board-certified family medicine physician who specializes in regenerative health and hormones, to learn more.

We’re all exposed to endocrine disruptors, but children are more vulnerable

Many of the personal care products, fragrances, plastic packaging, pre-packaged foods, detergents, perfumes, and plastic water bottles sold in the U.S. have endocrine-disrupting chemicals, particularly phthalates.

“Phthalates are a group of chemicals that help make plastic more pliable and flexible,” says Dr. Rocco. But they can also be found in things like shampoos, lotions, ointments, and other personal care products.

What do these chemicals do in the body? They mimic, block, or interfere with hormones in the body’s endocrine system, per the Endocrine Society. While phthalates typically flush out of our system within two days, per the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the buildup of exposure can have long-term effects, per the study. According to Dr. Rocco, this can include fertility and reproductive issues, including low sperm count and inability to conceive, as well as an increased risk for breast cancer, obesity, and thyroid issues.

More new research has even found these chemicals may cause girls to enter puberty earlier, increasing their future risk of things like heart disease and breast cancer, per a September 2024 paper in Endocrinology2. In young children, endocrine disruptors have also been associated with developmental delays and reproductive health issues in the future, per Dr. Rocco and a December 2015 review in Endocrine Reviews3.

Children are especially vulnerable to the effects of products that touch the skin because they absorb substances more easily than adults, per the Environmental Health Perspectives study. Additionally, children’s organs are more vulnerable to disruptions as they are still developing, says Dr. Rocco.

Should we be worried about these study findings?

Dr. Rocco says we shouldn’t let these findings send us into a panic, but they should definitely raise a healthy level of concern about the chemicals we’re exposed to every day. This study didn’t confirm that skin care products caused negative health outcomes; it simply demonstrated that children’s exposure to harmful chemicals in skin and hair care is frequent and high.

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Unfortunately, it’s really difficult to limit endocrine-disruptors from our daily lives. These chemicals are in so many things, and the study authors acknowledge this as a gap in their research. (While they did ask parents about their children’s diet and environments, there was no way to tell for sure whether these contributed to elevated phthalate levels or if it was from skin and hair care products alone.)

The study also highlighted that for families with a lower socioeconomic status, less expensive products—which may contain these harmful chemicals—might be their only options. Products labeled “phthalate- or paraben-free” are often more expensive. And even so, certain products labeled “phthalate- and paraben-free” may not actually be completely free from these ingredients, the Environmental Health Perspectives study pointed out.

The study also found that children of color simply used more hair oils and lotions than other groups in general, upping their exposure to harmful chemicals. In fact, it’s possible that some beauty products targeted toward communities of color have higher levels of these chemicals, per an August 2018 paper in Environmental Research4.

Bottom line? These findings underline a major need for change, which starts with stricter FDA regulations on endocrine-disrupting chemicals. “There needs to be a responsibility on the FDA’s part, without a double standard, to protect our children and every body,” says Dr. Rocco. She adds that while the European Union has banned more than 1,300 harmful chemicals from products, the FDA has only banned 11.

So what can we do to keep kids safe?

According to Dr. Rocco, taking small steps to reduce exposure on a regular basis is the key here. Meaning, you don’t have to toss every product in sight right away. “This isn’t doom and gloom; this is just education to improve family’s lives,” she says.

For starters, Dr. Rocco recommends using fewer products on your children in general. They don’t necessarily need all the products advertised for kids, she adds. You can even make DIY lotions, soaps, and other personal care products, she says. And if you are going to buy products, go back to the basics: organic, non-GMO, and free from fragrances, parabens, sulfate, and phthalates.

If you’re having a hard time figuring out which products are best, Dr. Rocco suggests searching products on one of the following websites:

  • EWG Healthy Living (a free app that can help you identify harmful substances in products)
  • SkinSAFE (the database used in the study to categorize skin care products, which also has a BabySafe section)
  • Skin Deep (a database created by the Environmental Working Group)
  • YUKA (a free app that allows you to scan barcodes of products in store)

You can also reach out to your child’s pediatrician if you need skin and hair care product recommendations.

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Other ways you can reduce endocrine-disruptor exposure in general include avoiding plastic as much as possible, using stainless steel or glass bottles, using wax paper instead of plastic wrap or sandwich bags, eating more organic fruits and vegetables, getting exercise (which helps you sweat out toxins), and even having houseplants (which can provide more oxygen), Dr. Rocco says.

  1. Bloom, Michael S., et al. “Impact of skin care products on phthalates and phthalate replacements in children: The echo-fgs.” Environmental Health Perspectives, vol. 132, no. 9, Sept. 2024, https://doi.org/10.1289/ehp13937.

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  2. Shu Yang, Li Zhang, Kamal Khan, Jameson Travers, Ruili Huang, Vukasin M Jovanovic, Rithvik Veeramachaneni, Srilatha Sakamuru, Carlos A Tristan, Erica E Davis, Carleen Klumpp-Thomas, Kristine L Witt, Anton Simeonov, Natalie D Shaw, Menghang Xia, Identification of Environmental Compounds That May Trigger Early Female Puberty by Activating Human GnRHR and KISS1R, Endocrinology, Volume 165, Issue 10, October 2024, bqae103, https://doi.org/10.1210/endocr/bqae103

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  3. Gore, A C et al. “EDC-2: The Endocrine Society’s Second Scientific Statement on Endocrine-Disrupting Chemicals.” Endocrine reviews vol. 36,6 (2015): E1-E150. doi:10.1210/er.2015-1010

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  4. Helm, Jessica S., et al. “Measurement of endocrine disrupting and asthma-associated chemicals in hair products used by black women.” Environmental Research, vol. 165, Aug. 2018, pp. 448–458, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.envres.2018.03.030.

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