When this happens, I’m left stammering, arguing, trying to defend myself as my rage builds. And when a conversation escalates to an argument, nobody walks away feeling good. Which is why Nicole LePera, PhD, a holistic psychologist in Philadelphia, recently shared a better, mental-health-specialist-approved game plan.
In a recent Instagram post, Dr. LePera gives an exact script for what to say when a bad listener interprets your words worse than Siri. Just use one of these lines, and exit the convo gracefully.
1. “I’m not looking for you to agree with me.”2. “We see things differently.”3. “I can understand your perspective.”4. “You might be right about that.”5. “I appreciate you sharing your viewpoint.”6. “Can we pause this conversation before we feel overwhelmed?”7. Say nothing at all.
This type of asymmetrical argument hurts so badly, Dr. LePera says, because we feel undervalued when we are ignored (willfully or not) or when our perspective isn’t given what we see as its true credence. “Our core needs as human being are to be seen [and] to be heard,” she writes on Instagram. “So, being misunderstood cuts at our deepest wounds.”
Which is why we try so hard to circle back and explain ourselves. But doing so when the other person seems to have cotton in their ears can cause us to spin into more of a tizzy. As we gain emotional maturity, Dr. LePera says, we learn that “we can disagree with another person’s opinion without needing them to see or own” and that “we can engage with people, and we can also chose at any time to stop engaging.” So if living your truth means kindly exiting a conversation with a bad listener, that’s your right. You hear me?
Or, your bad-at-listening sparrer could be a narcissist. Here are the 6 types. Plus, how to silence one mid-sentence.
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