Falling in love is often portrayed as a dramatic, life-changing event (hello, The Notebook, Titanic, and basically every romance movie ever made), but in reality, it can be a slower, more nuanced experience. It’s a feeling that sneaks up on you, gradually growing stronger each time you interact with the person you’re interested in. So, exactly how long does it take to fall in love? Often, it starts subtly, changing and evolving as you spend time with someone and begin to appreciate their quirks and qualities. Essentially, it’s the small, everyday moments of genuine connection that start laying the foundation for deeper feelings, proving that love doesn’t always come with a big, grand entrance but rather through the slow and steady buildup. (Sorry to those who wanted a true rom-com kind of love.)

“While some people can fall in love relatively quickly (two to four weeks, even though it’s most often a really strong attraction that turns into love later), it can take months and even years for others to fall in love,” says Sofie Roos, licensed sexologist, couples therapist, and author at Passionerad. “In cases when it takes years, it’s often a friendship that grows into love.” No matter how long it might take, understanding what it means to fall in love and how to fall in love are important parts of any relationship. Plus, knowing the difference between being in love and loving someone can help you navigate relationships better. Ahead, learn more about what falling in love is all about and how to make it happen for you, according to experts.

How long does it take to fall in love?

As Roos explained, there’s no definite timeline for how long it takes for someone to fall in love. It can vary from person to person. For some people, love might happen almost instantly, after only a few times spent with someone. For others, it can take months or even years for feelings to develop in a romantic way. (Think about when two friends fall in love.) Additionally, it’s worth noting that there are different stages to falling in love. “To really be in love with someone takes longer than feeling the first step of love,” says Roos. “This means that you can start feeling love (and even feel you love them in a way) really quick, after just a few days, but to grow that feeling to real love and not just ‘love at first sight’ takes much more time than that.”

In terms of the stages of falling in love, there are a few. It usually begins with the initial attraction, where you’re drawn to someone’s physical or emotional qualities. Then, there’s the stage of infatuation where you’re excited and curious about this person. (Some people might refer to this as limerence, which is basically a huge crush.) From there, it moves into a phase of emotional intimacy, where you start to open up and trust the person you’re with. Finally comes love. This is where you form a committed partnership and start building a life together.

How quickly can you fall in love?

The speed at which people can fall in love depends on quite a few factors. First, it might depend on their attachment type. If they have an anxious attachment, they might tend to fall in love quickly. If they’re avoidant, they could take much longer. However, if someone is secure, they could go either way, depending on how fast or slow they want to take the relationship. Additionally, the nature of the relationship may influence how fast people can fall in love. Are they fully infatuated with each other and taking things fast or are they still feeling each other out and taking it slow? Depending on who is in the relationship, the time span for how fast it moves can change. Ultimately, the pace of falling in love is different for each person and can be influenced by their past experiences, personal readiness and attachment styles, and the overall relationship dynamics.

How fast is too fast to fall in love?

“There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to how fast is too fast [to fall in love],” says Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT and professional clinical counselor. “Sometimes, those initial sparks aren’t just fuzzy feelings, but your nervous system reacting to potential danger. If you grew up in a stressful or unstable home, your body might be used to feeling on edge. This means that those intense, exciting feelings can sometimes be mistaken for love, but they might actually be a sign of your nervous system reacting to a familiar sense of anxiety or chaos. Just because it feels amazing (or familiar) doesn’t always mean it’s built to last.” The most important thing when it comes to any relationship or falling in love is to take it at a pace that you feel comfortable.

Why do I have the urge to fall in love?

It’s fair to wonder why you have the urge to fall in love, and the answer comes down to science. When you’re in love, your brain releases oxytocin, which is also referred to as the ‘love hormone.’ “Almost all people like the feeling of both falling and being in love because it makes us feel good, and that’s why people search for partners so intensely,” explains Groskopf. “It makes us feel happy, safe, de-stressed, and energized, really like an overall life booster (if the love is answered, of course, otherwise it can be a big burden).”

“The urge to love has its roots in how we lived thousands of years back.” —Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT

What’s more, the urge to fall in love also comes from human conditioning. “The urge to love has its roots in how we lived thousands of years back,” she explains. “To be loved meant safety, that someone was prioritizing you. This not only led to one’s chances of surviving increasing drastically but also the chances of the kids surviving, because two parents sticking together is safer than just one taking care of the children and the family. With that said: the urge to fall in love is deeply rooted in us!”

Not to mention, a clinical study published in 2018 called “Falling in Love Is Associated With Immune System Gene Regulation¹” looked into how falling in love is linked to changes in immune system gene regulation, suggesting that the emotional and physical aspects of love can influence biological processes. (Kind of wild, right?) Basically, studies showed that the intense emotions and bonding associated with romantic love can lead to changes in the expression of certain genes related to the immune system, potentially altering how the body responds to stress and diseases. TL;DR: Love can have a serious impact on your well-being at a genetic level.

How do you know if you’re falling in love?

There are a few signs that someone is in love with you or that you’re falling in love with them. Experts share more ahead.

You have an increased emotional intensity

Since being in love can alter your brain chemistry thanks to the ‘love hormone,’ you might notice that you’re experiencing heightened emotions when you’re around the person you’re falling in love with or even when you’re just thinking about them. “In general, you get a lot of energy, feel happier overall, and get more motivation but can also have a hard time focusing, sleeping, or easily fade away when, for example, hanging out with friends, because this person takes up so much of your thoughts,” says Groskopf.

You have a desire for connection

If you have a strong desire to spend more time with your romantic partner, there’s a good chance you’re falling in love. You might find yourself thinking about them frequently, wanting to know more about them, and feeling overjoyed when you’re with them. You might crave their attention and their time and want to be with them as much as you can to deepen your relationship.

You are prioritizing their happiness

When you start to genuinely care about the other person’s well-being and happiness, and you find yourself making efforts to support and care for them (yay!), this is a big indicator that you’re falling in love with them. Prioritizing their happiness can include wanting to see them succeed, feeling empathy for their struggles, and making their needs a priority in your life.

How do you fall in love with someone?

Simply put, falling in love with someone involves intentional actions. To increase your chances of developing deep, romantic feelings for someone, follow these tips.

Spend quality time together

Building a strong connection requires spending time with a person. Plan activities that you both enjoy and allow you to bond on a deeper level. Think cooking together, going on walks, taking a vacation, or simply being with each other after a long day. By giving this person your time (which is one of the most valuable things you have to offer), you’re letting them know they’re important to you.

Communicate openly and honestly

We can’t emphasize this enough: Clear and honest communication is the key to any relationship you have. Communicating with someone can look like sharing your thoughts, feelings, and emotions openly, without holding back for fear of being judged. Being truly honest can help both you and your partner build trust and understand each other better.

Show genuine interest in the other person

Take a genuine interest in the other person’s life, hobbies, and passions. Ask questions, listen (!), and show that you care about what matters to them. By doing this, you’ll give them a sense of being valued and understood, which is what everyone wants.

Be vulnerable

In the same vein of communication, you need to be vulnerable and emotionally available. Sharing your fears, dreams, and insecurities can make a connection so much deeper, and it can create more intimacy. Plus, it helps you understand each other better. (If you have a hard time being vulnerable, it’s okay to take things slow.)

Create shared experiences

Do things that’ll create lasting memories. Whether it’s traveling, cooking, or trying new things, having shared experiences can make you a stronger couple. Plus, it’s fun!

Support each other

To love someone is to support them. Be there for each other during both good times and bad times. Offering support, encouragement, and empathy will make your emotional connection stronger. Not to mention, it’ll show that you’re a truly caring partner.

Practice patience

Love often takes time to develop. Be patient with the process and give your relationship the time it needs to grow. Rushing things can sometimes ruin a relationship, so take it at a pace that you’re both comfortable with.

Respect each other’s boundaries

Respecting personal space and boundaries is seriously crucial in building a healthy relationship. This involves recognizing and honoring what people want. By respecting boundaries, you can build trust and mutual respect, which will make your relationship strong and healthy.

Cultivate mutual respect

There’s no other way to say it: Treat each other with kindness, respect, and consideration at all times. Recognize and appreciate each other’s qualities and differences, and work on resolving conflicts in a respectful manner (no matter how bad the fight might be).

Focus on the good

You’ve got to maintain a positive outlook on your relationship and your partner. Celebrate the good times and work together to overcome any and all challenges. A positive attitude is always appreciated.

How can I increase my chances of falling in love?

If you want to fall in love, there are a couple of things you can do to open your heart. For starters, try expanding your social circles and being open-minded about meeting different types of people. Finding new activities and hobbies that interest you can connect you with like-minded individuals. Having shared interests with someone can help strengthen your bond, and lead to a fun relationship down the line. On top of that, be more open-minded in general. Try new things, meet new people, and be open to all experiences.

In terms of the emotional side, working on your self-awareness and improving your communication skills can help you build deeper connections. “To increase your chances of falling in love, practice intentional vulnerability, spend quality time together, and communicate honestly,” says Groskopf. By learning how to be more vulnerable and open with others, you’ll be better able to let love in. Plus, if you know how to communicate what you want and need, you’ll be able to find a partner who can give you just that. In any relationship, being honest with people is the best way to create a strong and healthy bond.

Why can’t I open up to love?

“If you struggle to open up to love, it might be related to your attachment style,” explains Groskopf. “People with an anxious attachment style may fear abandonment and cling too tightly, while those with an avoidant attachment style might push people away to protect themselves. Understanding your attachment style can help you see why you react the way you do and work toward healthier relationships.”

“[Falling in love] is a feeling unlike any other and you feel it in all of your body almost all the time.” —Sofie Roos, licensed sexologist, couples therapist

So, how do you better understand your attachment style? You need to be honest with yourself. Attachment styles fall into three groups: anxious, avoidant, and secure. People with secure attachment styles typically find it easier to form healthy, stable relationships as they feel comfortable with intimacy and trust. On the flip side, those with anxious attachments crave closeness but fear rejection, which leads to a dependency on their partner. People with avoidant attachment tend to value independence and may struggle with emotional intimacy, which means they’ll often distance themselves from relationships, as supported by a 2017 study.² So, which camp do you fall in? Once you figure that out, you’ll be able to recognize your patterns in your romantic relationships and thus be able to work toward building healthier, more fulfilling connections.

How do I let myself fall in love?

Letting yourself fall in love can be hands down terrifying. However, it’s completely worth it to open up your heart to the right person. To let yourself fall in love, Groskopf recommends starting by taking small steps to open up and share your feelings. “It’s important to first assess the level of safety in your relationship,” she says. “Make sure your partner respects your boundaries and creates a safe environment for emotional intimacy. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that it’s okay to be scared, but also important to take chances in love.” Remember, to both give and receive love is one of the best feelings in the world.

What happens if you don’t fall in love?

For those who find themselves unable to fall in love, there could be a few reasons for this. First, if you’re not falling in love with someone you’re dating, they might not be the person for you. No matter how much you might want to fall in love with them, there might just not be enough attraction to them, and that’s okay. Additionally, if you want to fall in love but simply can’t, it might be worth it to talk to a therapist or relationship expert. “They can help you understand any barriers you might have and help you work toward forming healthy, loving relationships,” says Groskopf. At the end of the day, healing old wounds and trauma can help you in every relationship, not just the romantic ones.

Falling in love is exciting, scary, and truly special. Remember, love often comes when you least expect it, so make sure your heart is open to others. “[Falling in love] is a feeling unlike any other and you feel it in all of your body almost all the time,” says Roos. “No one can say how it will be for just you, but it’s impossible to miss.”