LifestyleParenting

Sex is different after kids—and that’s a good thing

Sex after having children isn't the same as it was before you got pregnant, says sex expert Lila Darville. Here, she discusses changes in desire and sexuality—and explains why sex after kids is even better.

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Photo: <a href="http://www.stocksy.com" target="_blank">Stocksy</a>Alto Images
Published Sep 20, 2018

Written by 

Lila Darville

Sex is different after kids—it just is. Maybe you’re more pressed for time, maybe your body has changed, maybe your relationship has evolved. But “different” doesn’t necessarily mean bad, says sex expert and relationship coach Lila Darville. Here, the Well+Good Council member explains why mothers have a unique opportunity to create their own sexual rebirth.

I think we can all admit that the words motherhood and sex don’t exactly conjure images of wild, ravenous love-making.

This is partly because of how motherhood is culturally stigmatized, and partly because of the very real challenges of raising a child. Zero time, non-existent sexual desire, sleep deprivation, feeling (and looking) like the “unsexy” version of our former selves: All of this comes with the territory.

So what is the upside? Well, mothering can be its own form of birth control… Kidding! But there are a few key factors we tend to skim over when questioning why sex is different after kids—and, most importantly, why that ain’t such a bad thing.

The story of a diminishing sex life after kids is so common it’s become a cliché.

The story of a diminishing sex life after kids is so common it’s become a cliché. If you’re already a parent, you’ve probably been nodding your head with a sardonic smile. But if you’re not yet a parent, don’t be dissuaded. A fulfilling sex life doesn’t just evaporate with the arrival of children. There are actually some incredible opportunities at hand here.

Among the hormonal fluctuations, morphing bodies, shifting priorities, and logistical challenges, there is also another birth taking place. It’s the birth of a new identity: the mother. This new woman has a different body, different desires, and different needs.

As women, so much of our identity is tied up in our sexuality, and the process of discovering ourselves as mothers can temporarily dismantle how we see ourselves as sexual beings. That’s okay. It takes a little time to find our new normal and unite the maternal and sexual aspects of ourselves.

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Photo: Stocksy/Leah Flores

Even as a sex and relationship coach, I’ve been confronted with a shifting sexual self. After the birth of my first son, I went from feeling like a confident, fertile goddess to feeling utterly lost in a sea of limiting beliefs, cultural judgments, and overload. (It happened again as I learned to juggle two children.) And hell yes, I noticed the desire gap with my partner and wondered why my sex drive had flown the coop.

The thing is, if we spend our energy reaching back in time to the way things were before we became mothers, we completely miss the gold. That girl doesn’t exist anymore. Replacing her is a woman with a wealth of experience who has seen herself transform, give, and sustain life.

Becoming a mother can also be an opportunity to deepen the relationship we have with our bodies. After all, we’ve just gone through a tremendous number of changes, and now likely see our bodies—and what they can do—in a whole new light. We get to tune in with a depth of listening to our needs, our emotions, and our sensations. And as we listen and begin to move from this place in sex, our experiences will only become more authentic and that much more fulfilling.

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To speak from my own experience, I have more love and respect for my body today than ever before. I’ve witnessed it grow and birth two new human beings. In sex, this newfound respect for my body has chipped away at my self-consciousness about needing to look, feel, smell, or sound a certain way.

Becoming a mother can be an opportunity to deepen the relationship we have with our bodies.

Aside from this shift in perspective, one of the biggest challenges for mothers is the increase in demands on our time, energy, and bodies. Sex is often felt as a place where we are giving of ourselves. It can become a reflection of our partner rather than our own desires and preferences. If sex is another place where we are emptying our cup instead of filling it, it’s likely that we are not going to desire it—at least not very often.

This calls for adopting a feminine-centric approach to sex and putting more focus on what brings you pleasure rather than just pleasing your partner. By setting a goal of exploration rather than defaulting to a tried-and-tested way of getting off, a whole plethora of orgasmic possibilities and new pleasure pathways will reveal themselves. As you redefine what pleasure is for you, sex becomes a place that replenishes you. It can give you the energy that you need to mother and feel more whole as a woman. This, in turn, makes sex more desirable.

If sex is another place where we are emptying our cup instead of filling it, it’s likely that we are not going to desire it.

Another common struggle many mothers face is that they just don’t feel like having sex. Desire is often thought of as a force of nature outside of our control, an overwhelming passion ignited by something beyond ourselves. But this is so disempowering.

Instead of feeling that everything has to be perfect to engage in sex, we can claim our turn-on, recognizing that the power resides within us rather than externally. Stepping up to claim that power cultivates a confidence and sexual maturity: You know what you want and aren’t afraid to take it.

I could go on, but I’ll leave you with the best news of all: This new (hot) mama is here to stay.

An expert on sex and intimacy, Lila Darville is a professional relationship coach who brings her body-positive, real-talk approach to stadiums full of women as the pleasure director of a show in Las Vegas called Magic Mike Live. 

Originally published May 13, 2018; updated September 20, 2018.

For more expert and real-mom-approved parenting intel, dive into Mom Crush May.

 

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LifestyleParenting

Why Parents Fear the Dreaded ‘Sundown Scaries’

The dreaded 'sundown scaries' may cause parenting anxiety during the last hours of the day when anticipation about the night hits.

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Photo: Stocksy/Danil Nevsky
Published Dec 10, 2024

Written by 

Rachel Kraus

Night falls, and quiet permeates the house. A cloud moves across the moon, the wind rustles through the trees. All is still—but something approaches. A prowler, a nightmare? No, no. It’s the “sundown scaries,” the anticipatory fear and anxiety that can strike parents in the evening before bed. Conversation has been churning on social media, with a handful of TikToks about “sundown scaries” garnering hundreds of thousands of views. The videos, and many of the comments, bemoan how little people talk about the phenomenon when it is apparently so common. Even if it’s not a clinical diagnosis, it’s certainly something many parents feel.

Experts in This Article

Sarah Honaker

clinical psychologist with board certification in behavioral sleep medicine, and associate professor of psychology and pediatrics at Indiana University School of Medicine

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“It’s definitely one of those things that no one prepared me for, that sense of dread or doom when the sun goes down,” says infant sleep specialist Rachel Shepard-Ohta on TikTok. “It almost feels like this homesickness in a way. It’s just a very sad, scary feeling every night.”

This feeling of foreboding that creeps in as the sun sets can become all too common during the winter months when the sun sets at an incredibly rude 4:30 pm. That’s known as “sunset anxiety,” and it’s linked to the natural drop in mood and energy that occurs in the evening. But those emotions can be even more dramatic for new parents—or really, anyone who deals with nighttime wakings, whether or not the cause is a howling infant. Darkness is “a very salient cue that night, and whatever it brings, is coming,” clinical psychologist Sarah Honaker, PhD, an associate professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at Indiana University School of Medicine, tells Well+Good.

Why is the evening so scary?

The evening can spark negative emotions for parents in a few ways. In the pre-baby era, the hours before bed probably consisted of taking time for yourself, having some fun, and winding down. With a newborn, that can actually be the time when laundry and dirty bottles pile up, and you don’t even have the energy to tackle them. In those moments, the overwhelm is real. At the same time, you might also feel anticipation about the physical agony awaiting you once you do manage to get horizontal. The contrast between what you were used to feeling in the night (relaxation) and what you face now (fatigue, care for another human being) can prompt those doldrums.

“Previously, you maybe had an idea that as the sun goes down, your responsibilities are also winding down,” Honaker says. “When you have a newborn, that is definitely no longer the case.”

Or maybe your little one makes the change in your lifestyle even more apparent. Some parents experience “witching hours,” when babies can be naturally more fussy during the evening (and when parents are naturally more tired). Want to end your day by stopping in at your favorite neighborhood pizza place? Or maybe even just relaxing with a glass of wine at home? Sorry, that’s not gonna happen with a tired baby. While exhausted from a long day, missing out on those past rituals can be its own sunset scary bitterness.

Pre-bedtime stress could even make it harder to get some shut-eye. This ZZZ-robbing sleep anxiety can make you even more nervous about the night.

“Nothing is worse than finally falling asleep and then having that cry wake you 30 minutes later,” Honaker says. “And so sometimes [anticipating] that can make it harder to fall asleep as well.”

How to face your (evening) fears

What can be done about the “sunset scaries” to make you feel better? If a baby is keeping you up, Honaker says to remember that this experience is temporary—you will sleep again.

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But Honaker also advises you to “protect your sleep.” Meaning, you should still try to prioritize sleep hygiene and, as much as possible, stick to a bedtime routine. At the same time, let’s take the pressure off the evenings. You don’t need to let the hour(s) between putting the baby down and your own bedtime be when you make judgements about your life.

“It’s not just about sleep, it’s about your feelings of productivity, your ability to relax, your image of what is a good parent, what is a good woman, what am I supposed to be, and how does that match up with what I am,” Honaker says. “This phenomenon really could get at a lot of those [questions].”

Finally, understand that you are not alone. The fact that there’s a catchy moniker for this emotional experience proves it. “It can be validating to know that the feelings that you’re having are a normal developmental experience and not something that is wrong with you,” Honaker says.

Just like the night, the “sunset scaries” will come to a natural end—whether with the development of your baby, or the passing of the seasons into more hours of daylight. In the meantime, be kind to yourself and know you’re doing your best.

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LifestyleParenting

Kids Are Being Exposed to Hormone-Disrupting Chemicals in Skin and Hair Care Products, New Research Says

New research discovered children may be exposed to hormone-disruptors from skin and hair products. An endocrinologists explains the risks.

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Photo: Getty Images/FG Trade
Published Sep 11, 2024

Written by 

Allison Forsyth

New research has discovered it’s likely that skin and hair care products are exposing children to potentially harmful endocrine-disrupting chemicals.

Experts in This Article

Gowri Reddy Rocco

double board-certified family medicine physician specializing in regenerative and hormone health

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The study, published last week in Environmental Health Perspectives1, collected urine samples from 630 kids ages 4 to 8 after parents were asked to fill out questionnaires about the exact types and brands of skin and hair care products used on the children in the past 24 hours. Concentrations of 16 different types of phthalates—a class of endocrine-disrupting chemicals—were found in the urine samples. Products associated with the highest levels of phthalates were body lotions, body oils, “2-in-1” shampoo and conditioners, and ointments. Black, Asian, and Hispanic children were also found to have higher phthalate urine levels than other sociodemographic groups.

While past studies have only looked at phthalates’ effects on fetuses, this study shows that young children are being consistently exposed to endocrine disruptors—chemicals that have been linked to long-term developmental and reproductive health effects, per the study.

What does this mean for parents; should we all be worried? And are there ways to protect children from phthalates? We spoke with Gowri Reddy Rocco, MD, a double board-certified family medicine physician who specializes in regenerative health and hormones, to learn more.

We’re all exposed to endocrine disruptors, but children are more vulnerable

Many of the personal care products, fragrances, plastic packaging, pre-packaged foods, detergents, perfumes, and plastic water bottles sold in the U.S. have endocrine-disrupting chemicals, particularly phthalates.

“Phthalates are a group of chemicals that help make plastic more pliable and flexible,” says Dr. Rocco. But they can also be found in things like shampoos, lotions, ointments, and other personal care products.

What do these chemicals do in the body? They mimic, block, or interfere with hormones in the body’s endocrine system, per the Endocrine Society. While phthalates typically flush out of our system within two days, per the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the buildup of exposure can have long-term effects, per the study. According to Dr. Rocco, this can include fertility and reproductive issues, including low sperm count and inability to conceive, as well as an increased risk for breast cancer, obesity, and thyroid issues.

More new research has even found these chemicals may cause girls to enter puberty earlier, increasing their future risk of things like heart disease and breast cancer, per a September 2024 paper in Endocrinology2. In young children, endocrine disruptors have also been associated with developmental delays and reproductive health issues in the future, per Dr. Rocco and a December 2015 review in Endocrine Reviews3.

Children are especially vulnerable to the effects of products that touch the skin because they absorb substances more easily than adults, per the Environmental Health Perspectives study. Additionally, children’s organs are more vulnerable to disruptions as they are still developing, says Dr. Rocco.

Should we be worried about these study findings?

Dr. Rocco says we shouldn’t let these findings send us into a panic, but they should definitely raise a healthy level of concern about the chemicals we’re exposed to every day. This study didn’t confirm that skin care products caused negative health outcomes; it simply demonstrated that children’s exposure to harmful chemicals in skin and hair care is frequent and high.

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Unfortunately, it’s really difficult to limit endocrine-disruptors from our daily lives. These chemicals are in so many things, and the study authors acknowledge this as a gap in their research. (While they did ask parents about their children’s diet and environments, there was no way to tell for sure whether these contributed to elevated phthalate levels or if it was from skin and hair care products alone.)

The study also highlighted that for families with a lower socioeconomic status, less expensive products—which may contain these harmful chemicals—might be their only options. Products labeled “phthalate- or paraben-free” are often more expensive. And even so, certain products labeled “phthalate- and paraben-free” may not actually be completely free from these ingredients, the Environmental Health Perspectives study pointed out.

The study also found that children of color simply used more hair oils and lotions than other groups in general, upping their exposure to harmful chemicals. In fact, it’s possible that some beauty products targeted toward communities of color have higher levels of these chemicals, per an August 2018 paper in Environmental Research4.

Bottom line? These findings underline a major need for change, which starts with stricter FDA regulations on endocrine-disrupting chemicals. “There needs to be a responsibility on the FDA’s part, without a double standard, to protect our children and every body,” says Dr. Rocco. She adds that while the European Union has banned more than 1,300 harmful chemicals from products, the FDA has only banned 11.

So what can we do to keep kids safe?

According to Dr. Rocco, taking small steps to reduce exposure on a regular basis is the key here. Meaning, you don’t have to toss every product in sight right away. “This isn’t doom and gloom; this is just education to improve family’s lives,” she says.

For starters, Dr. Rocco recommends using fewer products on your children in general. They don’t necessarily need all the products advertised for kids, she adds. You can even make DIY lotions, soaps, and other personal care products, she says. And if you are going to buy products, go back to the basics: organic, non-GMO, and free from fragrances, parabens, sulfate, and phthalates.

If you’re having a hard time figuring out which products are best, Dr. Rocco suggests searching products on one of the following websites:

  • EWG Healthy Living (a free app that can help you identify harmful substances in products)
  • SkinSAFE (the database used in the study to categorize skin care products, which also has a BabySafe section)
  • Skin Deep (a database created by the Environmental Working Group)
  • YUKA (a free app that allows you to scan barcodes of products in store)

You can also reach out to your child’s pediatrician if you need skin and hair care product recommendations.

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Other ways you can reduce endocrine-disruptor exposure in general include avoiding plastic as much as possible, using stainless steel or glass bottles, using wax paper instead of plastic wrap or sandwich bags, eating more organic fruits and vegetables, getting exercise (which helps you sweat out toxins), and even having houseplants (which can provide more oxygen), Dr. Rocco says.

  1. Bloom, Michael S., et al. “Impact of skin care products on phthalates and phthalate replacements in children: The echo-fgs.” Environmental Health Perspectives, vol. 132, no. 9, Sept. 2024, https://doi.org/10.1289/ehp13937.

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  2. Shu Yang, Li Zhang, Kamal Khan, Jameson Travers, Ruili Huang, Vukasin M Jovanovic, Rithvik Veeramachaneni, Srilatha Sakamuru, Carlos A Tristan, Erica E Davis, Carleen Klumpp-Thomas, Kristine L Witt, Anton Simeonov, Natalie D Shaw, Menghang Xia, Identification of Environmental Compounds That May Trigger Early Female Puberty by Activating Human GnRHR and KISS1R, Endocrinology, Volume 165, Issue 10, October 2024, bqae103, https://doi.org/10.1210/endocr/bqae103

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  3. Gore, A C et al. “EDC-2: The Endocrine Society’s Second Scientific Statement on Endocrine-Disrupting Chemicals.” Endocrine reviews vol. 36,6 (2015): E1-E150. doi:10.1210/er.2015-1010

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  4. Helm, Jessica S., et al. “Measurement of endocrine disrupting and asthma-associated chemicals in hair products used by black women.” Environmental Research, vol. 165, Aug. 2018, pp. 448–458, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.envres.2018.03.030.

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