LifestyleSex

What Your Sexual Attachment Style Can Tell You About Your Intimate Preferences

Your attachment style can affect many parts of your relationships, including your sex life. See what experts have to say about sexual attachment style.

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Photo: Getty Images/blackCAT
Published Aug 15, 2020

Written by 

Allie Flinn

I used to think that I didn’t have a type, despite my past choices displaying that I very much have a type (fitness trainer or bartender). I say I’m just attracted to people’s energy but, clearly, certain patterns have emerged. And as it turns out, there’s some truth to it, according to adult attachment theory—which breaks into three major styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. “Attachment styles are behaviors and beliefs that you learn from the way that people in your family have relationships,” says psychotherapist Aimee Daramus, PsyD. “Your style can affect any part of your relationship, including sex.” But what can and can’t your sexual attachment style tell you about yourself and your preferences?

Experts in This Article

Aimee Daramus

Chicago-based psychotherapist

Tammy Nelson

licensed sex and relationship therapist

First, a quick breakdown of attachment styles, which tend to form in childhood: People with a secure attachment style are comfortable giving and receiving love, and they tend to deal with their emotions in a healthy way. Anxiously attached people need a lot of reassurance from their partners, otherwise, they do things like text their partner 74 times or ignore them to “prove a point.” (These are types of “protest behaviors,” which are basically negative actions the anxiously attached person takes to get attention.) Avoidant people fall into two sub-categories—fearful-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant—but both have trouble with trusting others and intimacy.

Sexual attachment styles and communication

Okay, so how does this explain why I gravitate toward fitness trainers and bartenders? “Good sexual communication” is more important than attachment style when it comes to sexual satisfaction, says Dr. Daramus. Guess which style is best at communicating? Unsurprisingly, it’s secure, and research has shown them to be the most satisfied with their sex lives. “One of the strongest predictors of sexual satisfaction is the ability to talk honestly about sex and sexual relationships,” adds Dr. Daramus.

People with avoidant and anxious attachment types are typically not great at this, often treating relationships like a task to complete, says Dr. Daramus. This does not really lend itself well to establishing healthy communication patterns. “Avoidantly attached people can appear as if they would rather do without long-term relationships and can separate their romantic relationships from sex,” says sex and relationship therapist Tammy Nelson, PhD. “They may be better at consensual non-monogamy because it demands less of them.”

“Avoidantly attached people can appear as if they would rather do without long-term relationships and can separate their romantic relationships from sex.” —relationship therapist Tammy Nelson, PhD

Anxious and avoidant types have a tendency to pair up for a number of reasons, a big one being that the anxious person mistakes the mixed signals from the avoidant person for passion. Anxiously attached people also have trouble setting and keeping boundaries. So when it comes to sex, anxiously attached people may be more prone to engage sexually to seek validation and love, and not necessarily because they want sex in that moment.

So, I realize, it’s not necessarily that I have a thing for bartenders or fitness trainers, but rather the energy they, as avoidant attachers project: emotional unavailability. For an anxiously attached person like myself, this energy is irresistible. It’s probably why I used to drop everything, whether I was feeling horny or not, when a certain avoidant attacher would text me me, wanting to come over. While compared to the other types, anxiously attached people may get more attached after sex, Dr. Daramus says that both avoidant and anxious types may use casual sex or infidelity to create emotional distance. “The person with an anxious style will want to re-create the emotional bond that they just distanced themselves from by cheating,” she says, while the avoidant person will not feel the need to do so.

What different sexual attachment styles may prefer

Dr. Daramus says that it doesn’t appear that certain sexual attachment styles are more open-minded or more likely to participate in kink than others, “but there are differences in motivation for participation in kink—and sex in general—and in dom or sub roles.” Dr. Daramus points to a 2020 study that compared people who are into BDSM to those who are not. “It found that BDSM practitioners were a little more likely to have a secure or anxious style than non-practitioners of BDSM,” she says. “Avoidant practitioners were a little more likely to be submissive, and practitioners with secure attachments were more likely to be dominant.”

Of course, while your sexual attachment style can give you insight into your sex life and your motivations for having sex, it’s not the full picture. Furthermore, it isn’t to say that only securely attached people have satisfying sex lives, either. As Dr. Daramus says, communication is one of the most important factors in sexual satisfaction, so learning to communicate better—like by figuring out your sex personality type or taking the time to explore what you like in bed via solo play and then sharing results with your partner(s)—can be beneficial for everyone involved.

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LifestyleSex

How to Squirt During Sex

A step-by-step expert guide to the sexual phenomenon.

Published Feb 5, 2025

Written by 

Gabrielle Kassel

You likely have questions about squirting, especially considering the many myths surrounding the sexual phenomenon. What exactly is it? Can you learn how? Is wetter better? Am I normal? To fill the gaping gaps of knowledge on this topic, we put together a guide on gushing, which includes step-by-step instructions from sex educators. 

Experts in This Article

Shamyra Howard

licensed clinical social worker and sexologist

Debra Laino

Debra Laino, DHS, is a sexologist, doctor of human sexuality, relationship therapist, and life coach.

Sarah Kelleher

sex educator and psychotherapist

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What is squirting, exactly? 

Squirting is the release of clear liquid from the urethra in response to high levels of arousal, says Debra Laino, a sex educator and relationship therapist based in Delaware. The phenomenon, which can happen with or without climax, is named for the typically high velocity of the substance. But while the term and so much of the porn depict squirting as a gushing stream, the fluid doesn’t always gush. “Squirting can also be a trickle or a light stream,” licensed clinical social worker and sex therapist Shamyra Howard, PhD, CST, LCSW, tells Well+Good.

The volume also varies wildly, with women emitting anywhere from 10 to 100+ millimeters. For reference, most medicine dose caps hold 10 millimeters of liquid, while 100 millimeters is equivalent to an ungenerous pour of wine. 

What squirting is not, however, is an orgasm or female ejaculation. While the squirting is sometimes dubbed a “squirting orgasm,” the two experiences are biologically distinct, says sociologist and clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon, Ph.D, lead researcher and medical review board member with the Women’s Health Initiative. Additionally, “squirting and female ejaculation are scientifically and physiologically different, even if the terms are sometimes used interchangeably.” 

Both squirting and ejaculation involve the release of fluid from the urethra, but female ejaculation is milkier and released in lower quantities, explains Laino. Further, the two fluids come out of the urethra through separate sources. Female ejaculation comes from bite-sized bulbs of glandular tissues on either side of the urethra (known as the paraurethral glands), while the bladder is believed to be where squirting liquid comes from.

Is squirt the same as pee? 

So you’re probably pondering whether squirt is pee. The answer? Not quite. “Squirting fluid is made up of a mixture of dilute urine substance—which contains lower levels of creatinine and urea than normal urine,” says Melancon. In other words, squirt contains some of the same ingredients as pee but isn’t pee, much like lasagna contains similar ingredients as pizza, while still being markedly different.

“Squirt juice is clear, not yellow, and does not smell like pee,” adds Sarah Kelleher, LCSW, CHSE, a sex and relationship psychotherapist and holistic sex educator. But regardless, there is nothing hot about judging other people’s bodies during sex—especially when their happenings are entirely normal (and not to mention sexy). As Howard puts it, “All fluids released during sexual pleasure are erotic.” 

Can everyone squirt? 

Research on human sexuality is as sparse as the walls of a home you just moved into. Still, it is unlikely that everyone can squirt (or want to), says Kelleher. “Every body is different,” she says. 

It makes sense: “Just because two people have the same tools and anatomy does not necessarily mean that they experience the same physiologic response to stimulation,” says Kelleher. Hey, not all people enjoy having their nipples stimulated, either. No matter whether you’re part of the estimated 10 to 54% of women who can squirt, you’re normal! 

What does squirting feel like? 

The experience will vary from person to person, and how many times they’ve squirted before. 

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Unfortunately,  many individuals are plagued by stress, shame, and confusion the first few times they squirt, according to Laino. Squirting can be accompanied by a whoosh of wetness and a sensation similar to taking a wee. So often, an individual’s first thought during or after squirting is: “What was that?”

However, once individuals move through those initial emotions—usually with a combination of education and a sex-positive partner—the sensation of squirting is a pleasurable one. “If squirting happens during orgasm, it might feel like a natural extension of the orgasm, as both involve the release of tension and a heightened arousal state,” says Kelleher. For some, because squirting involves the physical expulsion of fluid, it may make the orgasm feel even more intense, satisfying, or full-bodied, she says. 

Some people, on the other hand, may experience squirting outside of an orgasm. When not accompanied by the deep pelvic contractions or emotional intensity associated with orgasm, Kelleher says that squirting may not feel particularly intense. “It might feel like pressure relief or a slight burst,” she says. 

How to squirt alone or with a partner 

Start by taking the pressure off

“If you want to experiment with squirting, starting in a relaxed state is a must, as stress and performance anxiety can inhibit arousal and physical release,” says Kelleher. 

This tip emphasizes the importance of getting your mind right ahead of exploration and avoiding conflating squirting with success and not squirting with deficiency. “Squirting is just one of many potential ways to achieve pleasure,” says Kelleher. “You need to know that if it doesn’t happen for you, neither you nor the sex session are a failure,” she says. 

It also highlights the benefit of prepping yourself and your space before stripping down. “Emptying your bladder beforehand and putting down a towel can help you stay in the moment and not in your head about making a mess—even if the sensations start to feel similar to taking a wizz, she says. Turning on all five senses through candles, twinkle lights, and tunes is encouraged, too. 

Masturbate, masturbate, and masturbate some more 

Even if you’d eventually like to squirt with a partner, Laino recommends getting down with your cute self. “Exploring yourself internally and externally can help understand your unique arousal triggers,” she says. You can later communicate this knowledge to partnered play to increase the odds of squirting, as well as more pleasure overall. 

Experts recommend touching yourself, specifically in a few areas. “Squirting requires stimulation of an internal erogenous zone called the G-Spot, which feels squishy and different from the smooth vaginal walls,” says Melancon. Exploring with your hands can make it easier to find this spot, as you can use tactile and directional cues. 

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G-spot wands (and lube!) can also help you find the spongy tissues, which are located about two inches inside the front wall of the vagina, she says. 

Get in the mood 

Sexual excitement is a good thing—but being too eager a beaver can sabotage your ability to squirt (or orgasm). 

By definition, squirting requires high levels of arousal, says Melancon. “If you aren’t adequately aroused prior to penetration, stimulating the G-spot won’t yield much pleasure at all,” she says. It could lead to discomfort and possibly a “need to urinate” sensation.” Rather than going from diddly squat to internal stimulation, she suggests starting with reading or listening to erotica, fantasizing, kissing, external touch, sensual massage, and so on to get more in the mood. 

Combine internal and external stimulation

Once you’re acquainted with your body, you’re ready to take a stab at squirting. 

Most experts say your best bet is to combine internal (G-zone) and external (glans clitoral) stimulation. Kelleher recommends applying firm, rhythmic, or pulsating pressure (dealer’s choice!) to stimulate your G-spot while simultaneously teasing your clit. 

The mechanics of loving on multiple erogenous zones at once with your hands can feel awkward—especially for those of us who aren’t ambidextrous—which is why a partner and/or pleasure tool can be beneficial. A partner can use their hand or penis to repetitively stroke the shallow hot spot while you hold a clit suction toy or use your fingers to stimulate your clit. Alternatively, you could use a rabbit vibrator to vibrate against both areas simultaneously. 

Because clitoral stimulation is required for an estimated 70% of women to climax, the outer clitoris is almost guaranteed to stimulate orgasm, according to Howard. “If this happens and you want to continue exploring squirting, continue clitoris stimulation even after orgasm has occurred,” she suggests. “The sensation will likely feel intense, but watch what happens next.” 

Relax 

According to Melancon, the most important thing to remember if you want to squirt is to relax. “When trying something sexually, it is common to get excited, put pressure on ourselves and the experience, and try to control our response,” she says. This is normal, but it will not usually lead to squirting or another kind of pleasure—which defeats the point! Who knows, maybe that’s exactly why TLC warned against chasing waterfalls…  

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LifestyleSex

11 Masturbation Positions That’ll Level Up Your Pleasure Practice

Learn 11 of the best masturbation positions for solo pleasure. Experts and sexologists explain what makes each of these so pleasurable.

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Getty Images/ KikoStock
Updated Jan 15, 2025

Written by 

Mary Grace GarisCarina Hsieh

Our editors independently select these products. Making a purchase through our links may earn Well+Good a commission

When it comes to masturbation positions, many subscribe to the ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ philosophy. But adding variety to your solo sex-life can bring you to new levels that are oh-so worth it. Even if you’ve got a tried-and-true method that works to bring you pleasure, “exploring new ways to bring yourself pleasure is one of the best ways to spend a solo session,” says somatic sex educator Kiana Reeves, chief education officer for Foria. “This can be especially helpful for those who experience anorgasmia or other barriers to climaxing,” says Reeves.

Experts in This Article

Christie Cobb

Arkansas-based gynecologist, intimacy expert, and sexual wellness doctor

Joy Berkheimer

Florida-based sexologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, chief sexologist at SXWA

Kiana Reeves

somatic sex expert, chief brand educator at Foria, a sex and wellness company.

Michelle Herzog

relationship and sex therapist, founder at The Center for Modern Relationships

Natasha Marie Narkiewicz

Head of Communications, MysteryVibe

Sadie Allison

sex educator and co-founder of GoLove CBD lubricant

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Incorporating new masturbation ideas can include trying both new types of stimulation like audio-erotica, different techniques like syntribation, experimenting with sex toys, and literally flipping and reversing masturbation with different positions.

“Exploring new ways to bring yourself pleasure is one of the best ways to spend a solo session.”—Kiana Reeves, somatic sex educator, chief education officer for Foria

To find out more about masturbation techniques you might not have thought of yourself, we spoke to the experts. Here’s the scoop on exactly what the best masturbation positions are, and how to try them out.

11 masturbation positions that will shake up your pleasure practice, according to experts

1. The Bent-Over

This position is great if you also enjoy the feeling of doggy-style during partnered sex, Reeves says. “Bend your body so that your stomach rests on the edge of your bed, resting your head on a pillow for extra comfort,” she says. Reeves also adds that you have easy access to both your vulva and anus with hands or a toy, which makes this position great for those curious to explore butt-play.

2. The Belly-Down

If you find direct clitoral stimulation too overwhelming sometimes, this position, which focuses on the clitoral stem (aka the ‘underground’ part of your clitoral nerves), can be a great way to experiment with more friction and pleasure, says Natasha Marie Narkiewicz, head of communications at MysteryVibe.

For this one, “lay down on your stomach and reach between your legs to masturbate, whether with your fingers or using a vibrator,” says Narkiewicz. This position “allows you to leverage the weight of your body as additional friction and pressure against your pubic bone and clitoris, which can produce a deep-seated orgasm that radiates throughout the entire pelvis,” Narkiwicz also adds.

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3. The Dance Floor

This one might require some pre-planning and shopping, but it’s worth it. “Use beaded crotch underwear with pleasure pearls that are meant to sit directly on the clitoris and between the labia,” suggests sexologist Joy Berkheimer, PhD, chief sexologist at SXWA. Dr. Berkheimer says you can either use your fingers to sway the pearls around, or use your thighs while dancing to feel the different sensations of the pearls rolling around your most sensitive parts. Besides being super-sexy, experimenting in an open-ended way like this allows you to learn more about your body. For example, Dr. Berkheimer notes that in dancing around, you might find that the left side of your clitoris is more sensitive than the right side. And “all this research is useful for solo and partnered pleasure,” she adds.

4. The Butterfly

“The Butterfly is great for those who want to get a little extra stretching in with their pleasure…and great for incorporating a vibrator or other toys,” says sex therapist Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST, founder at The Center for Modern Relationships. “Sit on the floor or bed and bring the heels of your feet together, letting your knees fall open. Use one hand to stimulate your clitoris while the other can explore your breasts, other erogenous zones, or to brace yourself against the floor,” Herzog says.

5. The Kneeling Goddess

If you prefer deeper penetration via a vibrator or dildo, Herzog suggests this position. “Kneel on a soft surface with your knees spread apart and sit back on your heels. Lean forward slightly, resting one hand on the ground for support while using the other to stimulate your clitoris,” Herzog says. If you enjoy penetration, an insertable toy here can make this position extra-hot.

6. The Corner

Instead of lying down on your back, try this position, which has you sit up on the corner of your bed.”This position accommodates the use of both hands for pleasure, so two toys can be used simultaneously (one for the vagina, and one for the clitoris),” says sexologist Sadie Allison, PhD, co-founder of GoLove CBD lubricant. Or, you can also lean back on one hand to help stabilize you while you use the other to, ahem, explore. Dr. Allison also suggests experimenting “with slowly spreading your legs wider as you play,” so you can experience different sensations as you explore.

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7. Solo Cowgirl

For this position, “straddle your body like you would on top of a partner on all fours, but instead you’re on top of your favorite sex toy,” says Dr. Allison, adding that “You can straddle a dildo or a vibrator.” For more stability, Dr. Allison suggests using a model with a flared base if you’re using a dildo. In terms of vibes, Dr. Allison says the Le Wand Rechargeable Vibrating Massager ($180) works well because of its powerful vibration and “substantial tennis-ball sized vibrating head.” Another Well+Good favorite is the smaller version of the Le Wand Petite ($145) with its less hefty handle.

This position is great because keeping your body and vulva upright (instead of laying on your back) can allow you to feel new pleasure sensations, Dr. Allison says. Bonus: for a more physical challenge, Dr. Allison also says you can shift into a squatting position and feel the burn in your quads.

8. The Doorway

“Stand up against one side of a doorway, then lift and place one foot across to the other side and get into a stable stance,” Dr. Allison says. In this position, you have full access not only to your vagina, clitoris, vulva, breasts, and nipples, but your anus as well, she adds. This position is great if you want to get creative and choose a combo of pleasure toys to stimulate multiple erogenous zones at once. Just try not to tip over when your climax makes you weak in the knees.

9. The Shower Session

Whether you’re bringing in a vibrator or going manual, masturbation in the shower or tub under soothing water flow can be a great way to welcome extra tactical sensation and warmth. This is also a great time to utilize a dildo with a suction cup, as you can attach it to the shower wall at just the right height and back into it for a perfect fit.

If you don’t have a bathtub, Dr. Allison says it’s certainly okay to sit on the floor of your shower and self-pleasure. But if your bathroom doesn’t allow for that, or you’re simply into standing positions, there are plenty of other options. You can use a Shower Stool ($52) or the edge of the tub to place one foot on for easier access to your genitals, or invest in a Shower Sex Handle ($12), which affixes to the wall with suction cups for better balance. Another thing you may want to add to your shopping cart: a no-slip shower mat. This way, “you can rest assured you’re being as safe as possible,” Dr. Allison says. “These additions can offer you peace of mind with feeling secure, balanced, and safe, so you can relax and fully enjoy your self-loving sessions.”

10. The Waterfall

If you are lucky enough to have a bath that shoots water out in a diagonal stream, you *probably* already know how lucky you are. If not, have we got good news for you. Simply lay down in the bath and let the stream of water fall on your clitoris or wherever it feels good. Even if you don’t have this specific magical bathtub, you can use a tub attachment called the waterslyde.

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Play around with different positions, including how close or far you are from the water, and legs bent in the tub versus potentially up the wall, to explore different sensations.

Additionally, this hands-free method feels extra amazing because you don’t have to do anything but let the power of the water get you where you want to go.

11. The Water Gun

If you are loving bath masturbation and want to kick things up a notch, take yourself on a journey around the bathroom—you’ll find pleasure spots in all sorts of unexpected places.

For example, if you have a jacuzzi tub, consider putting one of those jets to work. Get in a kneeling position in front of the jet, with your arms supporting you on the side of the bath. Then spread your bent legs out to the side like you’re in frog position, lowering your vagina down towards the jet until you find just the right spot.

You can even put the pressurized water of your bidet to work. That’s right, bidet masturbation while sitting on the toilet is a thing. You can experiment with positioning the bidet nozzle around your clitoris, labia, and vagina.

The diffusion of water might have extra benefits than manual stimulation.

“Water flow over the clitoral hood and labia will stimulate engorgement of the clitoral structures beneath the surface,” board-certified gynecologist and sexual-wellness expert Christie Cobb, OB/GYN“, previously told Well+Good about bidet masturbation.  “That may be more pleasurable than direct stimulation of the clitoral glans.”

A few big caveats from Dr. Cobb on with this one. If you’re using a bidet, make sure your masturbation session is distinct from actually going to the bathroom. You don’t want to cross the streams here. Avoid using water that is too hot—go for water that’s warm, not scorching, to avoid burns in your delicate areas. And with pressurized water, make sure to pee after masturbation so that any bacteria that might inadvertently make is way into your urethra from such a strong stream does not lead to a UTI. All good? Good. Now let it flow.

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Tips for trying new masturbation positions

One good tip for trying new masturbation positions? Fold the new positions into a self-care practice that also prioritizes your pleasure through self-massage. “Self-massage can be a great entry point for self-pleasure because it helps you connect with your body,” says Reeves. She also suggests you start by laying on your bed or on a comfortable surface and applying your favorite massage oil, using your hands to rub it into your skin.

“Start with your legs and arms, before moving to your body’s core and massaging your belly, breasts, and shoulders,” Reeves says. Then, “once you’re nice and relaxed and oiled up, switch to your favorite lube and continue the massage down below, working your way around your butt, your inner thighs, and your vulva.”

Benefits of experimenting with new masturbation positions

Experimenting outside your comfort zone when it comes to masturbation can be especially key in learning more about your body. Think of experimenting with new masturbation positions as a way to expand your horizons when it comes to your pleasure. No matter what you discover, you’ll learn more about what does (or doesn’t!) work for your body, which is always worth it.

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