Everyone wants to experience their best possible orgasms, right? Believe it or not, you can actually train yourself to have bigger, better, more fulfilling ones—with a little bit of practice, of course. Sex expert and relationship coach Lila Darville, part of the Well+Good Council, believes that “edging” can help anyone shift from being climactic to fully orgasmic. Here’s how to try it for yourself.

In the world of sex, climax is sometimes referred to as the genital sneeze. (Evocative, right?) Those brief few seconds of pelvic contractions and peak pleasure are typically triggered by focused clitoral stimulation. It’s a sharp rise of pleasure or energy, followed by an expulsion of that energy, just like a sneeze.

Orgasm, of course, isn’t the goal of every sexual encounter (in fact, I highly recommend spending more time engaging in foreplay without a “main event”) and not all women experience orgasm the same way. But if the Big O is your goal, you want it to be energizing, transportive, fulfilling, connective, and undeniably pleasurable—right? If it’s not, then you may be experiencing climax (or a genital sneeze) rather than your orgasmic potential.

There are many ways to shift from being climactic to being orgasmic, but one of my favorites is called edging.

The more you can build the sexual energy present in your body, the stronger and longer your orgasms will be.

Edging, sometimes referred to as prolonged orgasming or teasing, happens when you consciously increase your pleasure by approaching climax but ease away before reaching it. Edging takes a little practice, mostly because climax can be tempting and we love a instant gratification. But by repeatedly approaching the point of no return and then backing away from it, you increase the amount of energy in your body. (And, according to my fellow Well+Good Council member Alisa Vitti, can improve your overall health.) The more you can build the sexual energy present in your body, the stronger and longer your orgasms will be. Or, you might even find yourself experiencing orgasmic pleasure outside of what you originally defined as an orgasm.

The key to edging is becoming aware of your pre-climactic signs and then using one of the following techniques to draw yourself away from it. A little verbalization is often needed, so it’s best to try on your own before introducing a partner.

Keep reading for my strategies for making your orgasms *mind-blowing.*

Pace yourself

Go for the slow build: slow and steady rather than using all of your tricks to bring yourself to climax.

Pause

It’s so easy to go for the prize, I know, but there is nothing wrong with a little stillness when you’re making love or engaging in self-pleasuring.

Switch it up

Avoid staying in your getting-off patterns. Explore new parts, new areas, and new positions, moving toward what feels good but not going over into climax. Make it much more than rubbing your clit. Get creative.

Relax your whole body

…from your tongue all the way to your toes. As we approach climax, the tendency is to clench and tighten as the pressure builds, locking the energy into the genitals and bringing ourselves to climax. Relaxing allows the energy to flow throughout the whole body.

Deepen your breath

The breath tends to become short and restrained when we near climax. Simply by taking deep belly breaths, you will encourage relaxation in the body and create room for the orgasmic sensations to expand away from being clitoral based and spill out through your entire vagina and body.

Taking your focus off climax, and orgasm in general, actually has another amazing benefit. When orgasm isn’t the finish line, you begin to fully inhabit your body—being present in the moment, making the whole experience of sex more pleasurable. And who wouldn’t want more of that?

An expert on sex and intimacy, Lila Darville is a professional relationship coach who brings her body-positive, real-talk approach to stadiums full of women as the pleasure director of a show in Las Vegas called Magic Mike Live.

What should Lila write about next? Send your questions and suggestions to [email protected].