Sorry, but the Honeymoon Phase Doesn’t Last Forever—Here’s What Happens When It Ends

Eventually, the relationship evolves as the connection does. “The brain areas associated with pleasure and reward stay activated as loving relationships proceed, but the constant craving and desire experienced in initial intensity can lessen,” says Sarah Kelleher, LCSW, CHSE a New York City-based sex and relationship psychotherapist and certified holistic sex educator. In the place of steam and spice, however, come stability and steadfastness, she says.

“The stages and shades the relationship takes after the honeymoon are all unique and offer positives,” says Kelleher. Indeed, there’s so much more to discover about yourself—and your partner—after you’ve moved past the beginning stages of your relationship. Not to mention, many-a-chance to connect, collaborate, and co-create, she says. With all of this in mind, keep reading to learn more about what comes after the honeymoon phase in a relationship, according to therapists.

What are the five stages of a relationship?

Stage 1: The Honeymoon Phase

“This early stage of a romantic relationship is marked by bliss, joy, and all-consuming idealization of our new partner,” says Kelleher. Our new partners? Perfect. Our love? The thing of fairy tales. The sex? Constant. The on-the-clouds feeling emblematic of this phase isn’t simply a sign from the universe that you’ve found The One. Rather, it is caused by a rush of chemical changes going on in the brain, according to sex and relationship therapist Laura Berman, PhD the author of Quantum Love. “You get a hit of dopamine which makes you feel giddy, noradrenaline which makes everything feel brand-new and exciting, and phenylethylamine which creates the butterflies effect,” she explains.

This hot-and-heavy phase may be heavily romanticized both on-screen and IRL, but it is not without its downsides. To start, the rose-colored glasses can prevent you from seeing red flags, says Kelleher. “Or sometimes, you may see your new partner’s flaws and your potential incompatibilities, but simply do not care,” she says. It is also common for individuals to dissolve their boundaries and drop the ball on other responsibilities, she says. “This can lead people to commit to, and overly-rely on, the partner while negating relationships that are important to them during this time.”

Stage 2: The Exploration Phase

The love bubble you’ve been living in? Consider it popped. “Eventually, the euphoria of the honeymoon gives way to reality,” says Kelleher. Here, “we discover our partner is a full human that is different from us,” she says. “The things we once found so endearing may begin to annoy us and not be so cute.” You might even, for the first time, wonder whether this person is the peanut butter to your jelly, the macaroni to your cheese, the gluten-free cracker to your vegan cheese. No doubt, transitioning out of the honeymoon phase and into this second stage—the exploration phase—can be jarring at times. But it’s essential to remember that differences in relationships are A-OK, says Kelleher.

“Encouraging one another’s personal development and individuality, while continuing to put effort towards a strong sense of togetherness will be key factors in successfully navigating this stage.” —Sarah Kelleher, LCSW, CHSE, a New York City-based sex and relationship psychotherapist and certified holistic sex educator on the adjustment phase

This relationship isn’t necessarily going to fizzle and this person isn’t necessarily “different than who you thought they were” just because there are more moments of conflict or missed bids for connections than there were the first few months, she says. “You’re simply getting to learn one another better, including what you each need and how you each communicate during moments of distress,” she says.

Can break-ups happen during this phase? Yes. Unthoughtful and hurtful responses during this phase can reveal insurmountable incompatibilities that lead to break-ups, says Kelleher. But to be clear: This phase isn’t doom and gloom, so much as it’s about cultivation and comfort. As the real-life mundanity begins to bleed into your bond, you likely feel a new kind of ease, according to Dr. Berman. Here, “oxytocin, the ‘cuddle’ hormone, shoots up, giving us that feeling of connection instead of the heart-pounding feeling that noradrenaline once gave us,” she explains.

Stage 3: The Adjustment Phase

If you can successfully wade (read: communicate) your way through the Exploration Phase, the Adjustment Phase will be on the other side of the shore waiting for you. “A period of relative stability and integration typically follows the exploration phase,” says Kelleher. So long as you actually resolve the issues presented therein, rather than sliding them under a giant rug that is, she says.

Still, there are a few new waves you’ll have to learn how to ride at this period in a partnership. Most of the conflicts at this time, according to Kelleher, come down to balancing your individual identities and needs, with your desire to share your life with another. On the small scale, this may mean grappling with different decompression time needs after work. On a large scale, however, this may mean navigating different cultures, family values, holiday traditions, relationships with money, and more. “Encouraging one another’s personal development and individuality, while continuing to put effort towards a strong sense of togetherness will be key factors in successfully navigating this stage,” says

Kelleher. “Essentially, it comes down to compromise and collaboration.” Easy right?

Stage 4: The Commitment Phase

During this aptly named stage, “both partners have made a commitment to work through their differences together,” says Betsy Chung, PsyD a licensed clinical psychologist and relationship expert in Newport Beach, California. They have actively chosen the relationship and are—here’s that word again—committed to investing in it, says Kelleher.

“The initial excitement and can’t-live-without-each-other essence of the honeymoon phase may have died some,” says Kelleher. But the stress and uncertainty that often accompanies the exploration and adjustment stage have, too. “People are much less impulsive about ending relationships at this stage because they have built something together,” explains Chung. Plus, usually by this phase couples (or throuples!) have started crafting a Together Future. For people, that means making a bucket list of places they want to travel together, and for others that may mean joint-saving for a home or creating a timeline for kids.

“A potential challenge in this phase is boredom,” says Kelleher. In the absence of the exciting and thrilling feelings led by phenylethylamine and noradrenaline in the early phases, the cuddle chemicals reign supreme, says Dr. Berman. This can lead couples to fall into a routine where they watch TV together on the couch every night, for example, she says. Comfortable? Yes! Exciting? Not a chance. “Consciously planning new shared experiences can be helpful to deepen love while simultaneously challenging feelings of boredom that can accompany routine,” says Kelleher. Also, we can practice letting his phase be nice without overanalyzing it or forcing spontaneity in a way that maybe came more naturally in the honeymoon phase, she says. “There is uniqueness and comfort in this stage which can be really great if we let it be.”

Stage 5: The Acceptance Phase

“This phase embodies contentment and deeply rooted connection and attachment to one another,” says Kelleher. Indeed, many people are thinking of this phase when they think about #relationship goals. “Many couples take on co-creation together during this phase,” says Kelleher. And no, that doesn’t just mean having babies! This could also mean starting a shared business venture, renovating a home, or making your way through a National Park list. If there’s a challenge in the acceptance phase, it’s figuring out how to maintain independence while continuing to invest in the relationship, says Kelleher, as balancing your personal and shared life is key to fulfillment. Prioritizing friend nights, allowing some hobbies to be just yours, and even watching your TV shows can all help with this.

How long does the honeymoon phase typically last?

For most couples, the honeymoon starts from the get-go and can last anywhere from a few months to two years, according to Dr. Berman. “Exactly how long the honeymoon phase of your unique relationship(s) lasts will be determined by your and your partner’s unique brain chemistry, attachment style, and relationship histories,” she says. Various other lifestyle factors such as past trauma, relationship with drugs and alcohol, overall health and mental well-being, and more can impact the duration, too, she says.

Notably, a “short” honeymoon phase does not mean that your relationship is headed to the graveyard. Nor, does a “longer” honeymoon phase guarantee that the relationship will thrive and survive for decades to come. After all, in the long-term, it isn’t merely passion that supports the health of your relationship, but how well you walk (er, communicate) through the fire—and usually people don’t learn the latter until the exploration and adjustment phases, according to Kelleher.

“Making major life decisions during the honeymoon phase can be risky. You’re literally under the influence of love’s drugs, which can lead to decisions of passion rather than logic.” —Debra Laino, AASECT-certified sex educator, board-certified clinical sexologist, and relationship therapist

Something that can influence the longevity of your relationship, however, is how much self-control you maintain during the honeymoon phase. Even if you feel inclined to sign a joint lease, get down one knee, or co-adopt a puppy during this early stage, experts recommend against it. “Making major life decisions during the honeymoon phase can be risky,” says Dr. Laino. “You’re literally under the influence of love’s drugs, which can lead to decisions of passion rather than logic,” she explains. Heck, the honeymoon phase has been shown¹ to trigger the same feel-good brain chemicals that alcohol, nicotine, and many recreational drugs.

“Allowing the initial excitement to settle helps both partners reveal their true selves, leading to more thoughtful and informed choices,” says Dr. Laino. As such, adhering to the ‘three-month rule’, which says that you should hold off on leveling the relationship (i.e. moving in together, getting hitched, or even simply having sex) can be smart, according to Dr. Berman. The key phrase here: At least. “Three months is a pretty arbitrary amount of time,” says Kelleher. So, rather than putting a specific timeline on it, however, she encourages people to consider the consequences and benefits of waiting before making any big decisions. “It’s usually much easier to slow down than to reverse out of large decisions,” Kelleher says.

How do you know the honeymoon phase is over?

1. Your sex life might become less exciting

You may notice a dip in your sexual frequency post-honeymoon phase, says relationship and sex therapist Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST, founder of The Center for Modern Relationships in Chicago, Illinois. Alas, there’s no need to fret. “This is totally expected as your dopamine levels settle, and the moments of passion and ‘I can’t get my hands off you’ dip with it,” she says. Instead of sulking or reminiscing, Herzog views this as a chance to be “more intentional with your sex life,” which can include “exploring more sensual or erotic play, getting more intimate with your sexual communication, or leaning into more affectionate forms of intimacy.” In short, just have fun and enjoy the ride… literally.

2. You start noticing flaws

After spending more time with your partner, “you are more likely to see them at their worst rather than only at their best,” says Erica Alter, LMSW, a psychotherapist at Cobb Psychotherapy in New York City, New York. So as your accumulative time together goes up, don’t be surprised if you start to notice and pay attention to your partner’s bad patterns, too. These instances can help you get to know your SO better by building a deeper emotional connection, which is a major W. But, Alter explains, they can also “offset our own triggers.” When this happens, she says the “most important thing to ask yourself is why it is annoying you.” From there, you can figure out if it’s really about your partner’s behavior or the way you’re interpreting it.

3. You might start arguing more

“We tend to be on our best behavior early in our relationships,” says Herzog. However, after the initial honeymoon phase has ended, she says that you “may feel more compelled to speak up about something, which can lead to arguments.” Sure, this can be uncomfortable at first, especially if you haven’t squabbled previously. But she suggests re-framing it as a learning opportunity to understand one another’s preferred communication styles so that you can “fight effectively.”

4. You may see each other less

At the onset of a new relationship, you’ll likely find yourself attached to your partner’s hip. But once the honeymoon phase is over, reality begins to set in—and your friends and family members may miss you. Seeing your SO less frequently may sound scary, Herzog encourages you to embrace that healthy separation, which is crucial to the success of your relationship. “This means each of you [has] your own lives outside of the relationship, helping each of you grow as individuals,” she explains.

5. There’s less pressure to be perfect

Newsflash: Falling in love is nerve-wracking. With this in mind, you may have felt on edge or uptight during the honeymoon phase in an attempt to always act on your best behavior or follow certain “rules” to impress your partner. That’s normal—but it’s not something you have to (or should!) keep doing as your relationship progresses. “The more time we spend with our new partner, the more our nervous systems are getting to know each other and getting to know if co-regulating together is going to work well or not,” says San Francisco-based psychotherapist and Deeper Well Therapy founder Annalise Oatman, LCSW. If all goes well, the end of the honeymoon phase will feel more relaxed and more like yourself, and that’s something to celebrate.

6. You feel secure

“While the honeymoon phase is fun and flirty, what comes next can offer you the opportunity to really feel safe being you with your new partner,” says Alter. She explains that when we find someone we click with and feel comfortable around—be it a friend or romantic partner—we feel safe and secure since our needs are being met. So, instead of dressy dinner dates, you may be more comfortable with a takeout-fueled, at-home movie night in PJs.

How do you continue a relationship after the honeymoon phase?

1. Start having relationship check-ins

“Implementing relationship check-ins in your relationship to help you foster and maintain open communication that can help the couples connect and the relationship thrive,” says Kelleher. For the uninitiated, a check-in is scheduled monthly time to talk where the focus is on the relationship itself, she explains. Here, you can explore things like the state of your emotional connection, sexual connection, and the distribution of responsibilities and chores, she says. What’s working? What’s not working? What did your partner do well? Where would you like more acknowledgment? What issues can you circumvent in the coming month? The concept of check-ins may sound daunting, but “these do not mean that anything is wrong,” says Kelleher. Rather, “They are a way to hold space for ourselves and our partners and to discuss the relationship in a nonjudgmental and honest way,” she says.

2. Prioritize sex

“People wrongly assume that passion is something that needs to happen without any effort,” says Dr. Berman. The issue? After the honeymoon phase that is likely not going to be the case, she says. But that doesn’t mean passion sex is a foregone conclusion. The good news for those who value the connection, climax, or stress-release steamy sex can offer, is that passion can be cultivated. “If you decide that sex life matters and choose to invest in it, you can keep your sexual connection alive and spicy,” says Kelleher. One way to do that is to schedule sexual intimacy, helping you fit it into your busy schedule. Other ways include doing sexual activities together such as making yes/no/maybe lists, researching different sex toys, or even watching porn together.

3. Talk about sex, too

Having sex isn’t necessarily enough—you also need to be able to talk about sex and intimacy, says Dr. Berman. Specifically, without blame or shame, guilt or pressure, hijacking the conversation, she says. Being able to say things like, “I noticed you bristled the last time we had sex… let’s find out why and fix it!” and “We haven’t connected physically in a while and I miss you. Would you be open to joining me in the shower or afterward for a cuddle?” can help you continuously work together as a team to keep your sex life enjoyable. In the event that this doesn’t currently feel accessible, Kelleher suggests starting a two-person sex book club. This will help give you some common-language to talk about sex. Plus, most have activities and journal prompts that you can complete together.

4. Have regular date nights

It might sound trite, but “maintaining regular date nights really can help keep your connection strong,” according to Dr. Laino. After the honeymoon phase, it is easy to get stuck in an activity rut that makes every night feel like you’re the stars of Groundhog Day. Switching up the type of quality time you usually spend together—whether your dating styles lead you to eat at a fancy restaurant, playing mini golf, going bowling, or having a picnic in the park—can help remind you how much you like one another. Plus, it gives you something new to talk about.

5. Consider couples therapy

“There’s a wide-spread misconception that if you go to couples therapy, something is wrong,” says Kelleher. Sure, some couples who go to couples counseling do so because they are in a crisis and want to save the relationship. “But you can also treat it as a safe space to co-process and grow your communication skills,” she says. So, just as you might go to the gym to maintain your fitness, you and your partner should consider couples therapy as a way to help your relationship, she says.

Can you rekindle the honeymoon phase?

“Post-honeymoon phase, relationships will never feel quite the same again,” says Chung. You can’t hop in a time machine and travel back to those early weeks, nor will you be able to unknown the parts of your partner you’ve since gotten the pleasure of seeing, she says. Turns out, that actually isn’t a bad thing on the contrary—it’s the sign of a healthy early relationship. “Many people are disappointed when the honeymoon phase ends, as they wrongly assume that was the peak of their relationships,” says Chung. But the intimate stages of a relationship that follow can “create a deeper sense of security where both partners feel confident and comfortable, not just in their relationship, but about life in general,” she says.

“While the honeymoon phase is full of excitement, what comes next can be full of a lasting and gratifying commitment and trust that feels good in its own way.” —Erica Alter, LMSW, a psychotherapist at Cobb Psychotherapy in New York City, New York

That said, if there are certain elements from the honeymoon that you miss, you can make an effort to erect those, says Chung. If you miss the voraciousness of your sex, you might explore uncharted sexual fantasies. If you miss the intention of your dates, you can reinstate date nights. “Working together to address whatever the missing piece is can help both partners feel that their needs are being heard and addressed.”

How to cope with the end of the honeymoon phase

Even if you know it’s inevitably coming, “it can feel bittersweet for things to change and the honeymoon phase to end,” says Dr. Berman. So, how do you cope with the bitter parts for the transition, so you can savor the sweet parts? To start, “remember that the honeymoon phase is never really over, in the sense that those seeds are forever planted in your heart and your partner’s heart,” says Dr. Berman. “You will always have those precious memories and your shared stories from that time will be with you on your death beds,” she says.

Equipping yourself with knowledge about the relationship stages, by reading articles just like this one, can also help, says Kelleher. “Anxiety-filled questions like ‘Is this how it’s supposed to be?’ and ‘Am I falling out of love?’can permeate the end of the honeymoon phase,” she explains. Learning what types of experiences and feelings mark the other relationship stages can help dissolve some of that doubt, she says. Adapting a both/and perspective can also be useful here, says Kelleher. In practice, this means memorializing the relationship joys of the honeymoon phase without wallowing; it means enabling excitement about where you’re headed to blossom, too, she says.

Remember: Certain elements of your relationship may be getting dimmer, but other elements are going to start to shine. As Kelleher says, “all phases have a lot to offer and explore and seeing how your relationship with someone can change and age is something really special.”

Final thoughts on what comes after the honeymoon phase in a relationship

The honeymoon phase may be one of the most memorable times in your relationship, not to mention a thrill to live through. But its end isn’t cause for concern, nor is it cause for sustained mourning. As Alter reminds us, “While the honeymoon phase is full of excitement, what comes next can be full of a lasting and gratifying commitment and trust that feels good in its own way.”