If you’re familiar with the concept of soul mates, you’ve likely come across the discussion about twin flames and soul mates being one and the same. As it turns out, that’s not quite the case. “A twin flame comes into your life when you are ready for self-mastery,” says Dr. Harmony, an intuitive energy healer and author of Twin Flame Code Breaker. “They are present to bring soul growth and personal transformation.” That might sound something like a soul mate, but the fated twin-flame connection doesn’t necessarily reflect the star-crossed love a soul mate might deliver. What is it, and how is it different from a soul mate?

Let’s be real here: a twin flame relationship is not for the faint of heart. It’s not a cutesy relationship you see in movies (cough, Serendipity), but a transformational union that’s meant to teach you valuable life skills. This type of relationship can feel turbulent and melodramatic, as opposed to the more airy best friend dynamic of soul mates. And here’s the kicker: you can only have one twin flame, unlike the many soul mates you may accumulate in a lifetime. But what is a twin flame and how can you recognize them when they arrive?

To find out, Well+Good interviewed Dr. Harmony, life coach Shannon Kaiser, author of Return to You: 11 Spiritual Lessons for Unshakable Inner Peace, and Emily Jennings, the founder of Wellness & Oneness and author of Twin Flames and the Story Within: A Journey of Soul Awakenings, Healing, and Miracles.

What is a twin flame?

In spiritual terms, you can picture your twin flame’s soul as a different incarnation of your own. “Your twin flame is a fragment of you,” says Dr. Harmony. “This relationship is meant to bring your soul and this other soul into oneness or wholeness,” says Kaiser.

Because they are so fundamentally similar to you, a twin flame operates almost like a spiritual mirror, reflecting back to you both your strengths and your weaknesses, struggles, or past traumas. “Specifically, they will help you awaken to the suppressed sides of yourself that you have not been willing to face,” says Dr. Harmony. “The connection opens you up to being raw, honest, and vulnerable.”

What is the purpose of a twin flame?

The experience of meeting your twin flame can actually invoke some inner chaos or turmoil, akin to that of a karmic relationship, which similarly engenders a lot of really challenging growth. According to Danny Santos, an astrologer, shaman, and spiritual coach, the twin flame dynamic is likened to the myth of Psyche and Eros, “which focuses on two divine lovers who face a connection that transcends societal and cultural norms, forces both parties to face separation and trials.” It’s not just about romantic union, he says, but a profound transformation.

The turbulence atypical of the twin-flame journey isn’t for naught, though: “Typically, a twin flame will reopen unhealed wounds, causing emotional pain that could leave you feeling distraught, but all with the higher purpose of helping you fully see, feel, heal, and learn to love yourself,” says Dr. Harmony. Keep in mind that with a twin-flame connection, a breakdown could come before a breakthrough (you’ve been warned).

“Typically, a twin flame will reopen unhealed wounds, causing emotional pain that could leave you feeling distraught, but all with the higher purpose of helping you fully see, feel, heal, and learn to love yourself.”—Dr. Harmony, intuitive energy healer

While you’re on that journey, though, a relationship (platonic or romantic) with a twin flame could have a certain push-pull energy to it. Perhaps you meet someone and have a whirlwind romance for a few months, and then break things off abruptly, only to wind up back together years later because of a twist of fate. Maybe you spend a flight chatting with a stranger, and it inspires a massive change of heart and a new life direction.

In any case, there’s a clear feeling of your life having been turned upside down by meeting this person, says Kaiser. In other words, their entrance into your world creates a clear before and after.

12 signs you’ve found your twin flame

A twin flame typically enters your life for the first time when you have some emotional growing to do, prompting what Kaiser calls “a crash course in spiritual advancement.” As a result, there’s not really much value in searching for this person; either, they’ll find you… or, you may not actually have a twin flame. “If that’s the case, you’re certainly not incomplete without one,” Kaiser says. “A twin-flame relationship is just one path of many to support spiritual awareness and alignment.”

That said, there are signs to look out for if you suspect your twin flame has found you, or you’ve found them:

1. 1.
   You “recognize” this person when you meet. When you first meet your twin flame, says Jennings, it may be that you “recognize” them, as though you’ve crossed paths before. The familiarity can feel intense but comfortable at the same time.

1. 1.
   You feel an immediate bond. You’ll know when you’ve found your twin flame thanks to an instantaneous energetic bond, says Dr. Harmony.

1. 1.
   You’re very alike. You may find that you both have a lot in common, including but not limited to your background, experiences, attitudes, and values.

1. 1.
   This person feels like home. Your twin flame might be someone who “feels like home,” someone who instinctively understands you without ever really needing to explain yourself.

1. 1.
   They have a magnetic hold on you. When you’re with this person, you feel a magnetic pull toward one another, and this allure is only further emphasized when you are apart.

1. 1.
   You notice signs and synchronicities. After meeting, you may notice more signs and synchronicities, like recurring numbers or patterns, that confirm this person is “the one.”
2. 2.
   The relationship takes on a student/teacher dynamic. According to Santos, both parties take on the student and teacher roles. There’s something to learn and teach the other, says Santos, and the two twins need to develop the qualities and gifts the other has mastered.