What Is ‘Floodlighting’? Yes, Another Dating Buzzword You Need To Know

Anyone who's watched an episode of The Bachelor has seen it: A person goes on a date with someone new and tries to force a sense of vulnerability and intimacy for the sake of gaining reassurance or closeness with a person they barely know. Maybe they talk a little too much about their past dating trauma or their latest work-life woes right out the gate. Turns out, there's a new viral buzzword to describe this behavior—"floodlighting."

"Floodlighting" is the latest in a series of dating terms popularized by Gen Z and TikTok culture. All of the videos that explain floodlighting, aka toxic oversharing, attempt to warn singles about this possible red flag in a new partner. (See also: an uptick in the use of words like "gaslighting," "breadcrumbing," or "paperclipping.")

So, where did this word come from? Author and researcher Brené Brown coined "floodlighting" more than a decade ago in her book, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections, and Courage, where she explained that the idea of opening yourself up too much, and too early on, in a romantic connection isn't actually the appropriate and thoughtful move you might mistake it for.

“Oversharing? Not vulnerability; I call it 'floodlighting,'" Brown writes in the book. "A lot of times we share too much information as a way to protect us from vulnerability."

Someone responding positively to your sudden trauma dump can make you feel like you're closer to them because they offered reassurance in your time of need. But relationship experts say "floodlighting" creates a false sense of intimacy since you likely haven't known each other long enough to build real trust and loyalty.

To avoid "floodlighting" someone on early dates, Payal Patel, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Manu Counseling in New Jersey, suggests taking some time to self-reflect—either alone or in therapy—about how you communicate with people and if your actions might be influenced by your attachment style or lingering feelings of emotional neglect from childhood. (For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, you may feel the need to overshare to keep your potential partner invested.)

And if you notice someone "floodlighting" you early on in a dating relationship, take some time to reflect on whether this is a person you truly want to bond with. Maybe their oversharing is born out of insecurity or anxiety, too.

"It's so important to form a sense of trust before we get to a point of being able to open up about our traumas, vulnerabilities, and even emotions with our partners," Patel adds. "Start small, maybe sharing something that happened during the day that caused you to feel upset, and then gradually move towards bigger things," she adds.

Picture your connection with the other person as a light dimmer slowly turning on rather than flipping floodlights on abruptly, Patel recommends, adding: "We want gradual brightness not all at once, because our eyes can be so sensitive to light."