The Social Worker In ‘Dying For Sex’ Is Into Hog-Tying—Here’s What That Means

It may have been the promise of Robby Hoffman as a dashing Dom extra and a shining Jenny Slate performance that convinced me to start watching the new FX series Dying for Sex. But it was the frank conversation about hog-tying—a form of sexual bondage—that really sucked me into the series, just 20 minutes into episode one. Finally, I thought. A portrayal of kink that is honest, caring, and funny all at once. 

Throughout the rest of the eight-episode miniseries, the terminally ill Molly (Michelle Williams) has sexcapades that shine light on all sorts of kinks and sexual proclivities. Dominance and submission, sexual humiliation, water sports, pup play, sex parties, sensation play, and more all get screen time as Molly discovers the wonderful world of pleasure that exists outside of heteronormative sexual scripts (namely, penetration). 

But as a kink-positive sex journalist and queer sex educator, I was specifically delighted to hear Molly’s social worker Sonya (Esco Jouléy) shine a light on hog-tying. Why? Because I know from personal and professional experience that hog-tying can be physically and emotionally pleasurable and intense. Yet, the act—which is thrillingly centered on sensation rather than completion—is so often left out of books, shows, and movies about kink. It's no surprise the depiction of kink was so positive and accurate in the show, since BDSM consultants like Amanda K. Ru were brought on with the explicit purpose of creating safer, authentic scenes that honored the reality. 

Wondering about hog-tying or other forms of bondage after watching Dying for Sex (or even long before that)? Read on. Ahead, Ru and two other kink educators explain what hog-tying entails and why it can feel so good—plus, how to try it safely.

What is hog-tying, exactly? 

At its most distilled, hog-tying is a type of bondage, or sexual restraint. “It is a full-body position where your wrists and ankles are bound behind your back—usually in a way that restricts movement,” says Ru. This type of restraint is called hog-tying because, once someone (the rope bottom) is tied up, they are immobilized like a pig on a spit roast. 

Exactly where and how an individual is tied up can vary. Many enjoy being tied in such a way that leaves the front of their body exposed, including their mouth and genitals, easily accessible, says certified sexologist and kink expert Amanda Dames, who is widely known as The Kink Consultant. Here, a piece of sex furniture like a suspension frame, Saint Andrew’s BDSM cross, or bondage horse can be handy. But novices and those who don’t have access to these tools may also enjoy being hog-tied belly-up or belly-down on their bed, or even on their side. 

With that, it’s important to understand that hog-tying is not synonymous with Shibari. “Shibari refers to the Japanese style of rope bondage that has rich cultural roots in Hojo-jutsu, a Japanese martial art for restraining prisoners,” says Ru. “Over time, Shibari has evolved—particularly within sex worker communities—into an artful expression of  intimacy, aesthetics, and surrender.” 

In Shibari, there are endless numbers of bodily configurations that the rope bottom could assume, but hog-tying is one single restraint position. “It is a more Western approach to bondage that is usually less about artistic expression, and more focused on the effectiveness of the tie and physical intensity,” says Ru. 

The appeal of being hog-tied

“There are as many reasons a person might enjoy being hog-tied as there are people who explore it,” says Ru. That is to say, many. 

For one, the tactile sensation of the rope (or any bondage material) on the skin can be stimulating. The pressure can feel sensual, and even grounding—much like a tight hug, she says. At the same time, being hog-tied for a long period can cause some irritation or muscle fatigue that, for some people (i.e., masochists), may be the most enjoyable part, says Dames.

Hog-tying can also help reinforce a consensual and previously agreed-upon power dynamic, such as one between a Dominant (the tier, or rigger) and a submissive (the rope bottom), according to Ru. “Being tied up can elicit feelings of submission, helplessness, and surrender, which, for some, can be considered deeply erotic,” she says. 

Hog-tying can facilitate other sexual kinks, too. For instance, because the position grants a level of access to the rope bottom's body, it can facilitate “free use” fantasies, says Heather Shannon, LCPC, CST, a licensed professional counselor, AASECT-certified sex therapist, and host of the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast. (For the uninitiated, “free use” is the desire to be “used” sexually anytime, in any way, and anywhere.) Hog-tying can also encourage feelings of exhibitionism and support fantasies of objectification, humiliation, or breeding. 

On the mental and emotional side, being hog-tied can be very liberating, says Ru. “You’re being held so securely that you don't have to do anything but be present to your own experience and breathe,” she says. “For some, this is the permission slip they need to fully let go and release.” 

The hidden pleasure potential in hog-tying a partner 

There are also a variety of reasons someone might enjoy hog-tying a partner. Some might be motivated to try this kink because it activates sensations of Dominance, says Dames. “Putting someone into a vulnerable position where they’ll have limited movement comes with a lot of responsibility, and that alone will reinforce elements of Dominance,” she says. Others find that the act calms and quiets their thoughts. “Using rope requires a tremendous focus and attention to detail that can put someone into a meditative state,” says Dames.

And many enjoy it as an expression of mutual care or tool for enhancing an already-strong connection. Hog-tying communicates that your partner trusts you enough to cede control, says Shannon. Plus, because communication is required moment to moment to make sure the bottom is still feeling within their range of tolerance physically and emotionally, this kink can dial up intimate communication skills, she says. 

How to safely explore hog-tying 

1. Introduce the idea to your partner

Your hog-tying exploration can’t start with you whipping out ropes mid-nookie. As is the case with any new sex act, position, or toy, you need to talk to your partner(s) before giving it a go. 

If you’ve seen Dying For Sex, Shannon suggests using the show as a segue. “I’m a big fan of using third-party media to introduce sensitive topics to a partner because it helps people not take anything too personally or get too defensive,” she says. Rather than setting a serious tone for the conversation, you’re expressing that you feel curious and intrigued, which is a great jumping-off point. 

“It's a good idea to make sure your partner hasn't just had their worst day of work all year or a terrible fight with their parents,” she says. But short of that, there isn’t a right or wrong time to introduce the idea, she says. You might first ask your partner if they are open to talking about something you saw on TV with an open mind. “Then, you can get into more details once they agree not to yuck your yum,” she adds. 

Worth noting: While hog-tying may be a multi-person form of restraint, not all forms of bondage are. Self-tying, also known as self-bondage, is a common Shibari practice wherein an individual restricts their own movements through rope. Shibari Study, an online, subscription-based platform, has a few follow-along videos on self-tying, made by experts. 

2. Start at level one

“Hog-tying is a pretty advanced form of restraint,” says Dames. After all, it involves restraint of your lower and upper limbs all at once. She suggests starting with a lower-stakes form of bondage to gauge whether you’re actually comfortable being restrained (or doing the restraining). 

Leather or vegan leather cuffs around just your wrists or ankles are a safe, lower-stakes way to explore bondage for beginners, according to Dames. “Just make sure you know how to work the buckles for a quick release,” she says. 

If you’re not partial to the leather aesthetic, silicone or velvet handcuffs, like the Unbound Cuffies ($19) or Sei Mio Velvet ($22), respectively, also work. While they might be more easily accessible, Dames recommends against metal cuffs because their hardness can cause nerve damage if the bottom pulls too hard against them or the rigger latches them too tightly. “There are also really simple under-the-bed restraints that are great for beginners who just want to explore the sensation of restraint,” she says, such as Sportsheets Under The Bed Restraint ($70). 

3. Get your supplies 

If you find out that you enjoy restraint play, you’ll need to purchase your rope (or rope alternative) and a pair of safety scissors. “Do not use neckties, shoelaces, or other household items, because those knots can easily be tied too tightly and cause damage,” says Dames. 

Often, people choose a coated leather rope similar in material to the necklace slung around Sonya's neck in episode one of Dying for Sex. “Cotton rope will feel softer and have more stretch to it, while jute will have a bit more texture and bite,” says Ru. “Nylon rope can also be used and, because it comes in a wide variety of colors, can be fun for those who enjoy the aesthetics of colorful rope bondage,” per Shannon. 

That said, “rope isn’t the only way to restrain someone,” says Dames. Bondage tape—which looks like duct tape but is made from body-safe vinyl, so it sticks to itself but not to your skin—works, too. Unbound Tether ($13) and Good Vibes Tape ($11) are both popular choices. 

Whenever material(s) you invest in, “you need to have medical scissors nearby for quick release with bondage tape and rope,” says Dames. Good news: Most options (like these and these) are super affordable. 

4. Learn how to tie and be tied 

The knots used in rope bondage aren’t quite as elementary as two bunnies playing in a tree. And rope play always presents some danger, as there is a risk of damaging nerves and cutting off circulation. That’s why Shannon encourages curious people to attend an in-person rope class. “Many are fully clothed events designed for you to learn, practice, and get feedback on your [rope] skills,” she says. Your local sex shop may also host rope bondage instructional classes, or you can hire a professional BDSM educator or Shibari master. 

If you're eager to get started, Shannon recommends practicing on a mannequin as you follow along with experts (like Lazarus Redmayne) on YouTube or take a live or pre-recorded class on Shibari Study. You might also check out The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage by Midori, which is widely regarded as the bible amongst practitioners. 

5. Explore, explore, explore 

Once you’ve purchased your equipment and learned the requisite skill, you’re almost ready to get hog-tying. Now, you just need to establish a safe word and talk with your partner about what (if any) acts will bookend the tying and what is on the table once you’re in position. 

When the tying starts, the rope bottom’s job is to express when they’re approaching their pain and mobility limits, says Shannon. If you’re being tied, speak up when you’re experiencing any sensations such as tingling, numbing, or trouble breathing. And as a rope top, you need to know and honor your skill limits and not let your ego take over, she says. “You also need to be prepared to cut your rope or tape to free your bottom,” she explains.  

Immediately following play, tend to one another's aftercare needs. Then, in the hours or days later, share what you did and didn’t like about the sexperience. “Hog-tying is just one position within the much larger context of rope bondage,” says Ru. So, you might agree to try a different restraint style next time—or not. 

Either way, the fact that you tried something new deserves celebrating. Because, as Dying For Sex reminds us, the quest towards pleasure and erotic fulfillment is a worthy one.