There’s no denying how difficult it is to know exactly what to say to someone who has lost a loved one. You’re coming from a well-intentioned place of wanting to offer support, not cause additional harm, and yet, too often the desire to console results in the bereaved person taking on the added emotional labor of supporting others who are uncomfortable and don’t know what to say.
Experts in This Article
psychotherapist and author
trauma and loss expert and assistant professor at Vanderbilt University’s Peabody College
coordinator at Penn Medicine’s David Bradley Children’s Bereavement Program
“Most of us are socialized to help others by solving problems, but grief cannot be fixed,” says trauma and loss expert Gina Frieden, PhD, an assistant professor at Vanderbilt University’s Peabody College. Most people are also “uncomfortable with the topic,” says Katie Opher, a coordinator at Penn Medicine’s David Bradley Children’s Bereavement Program and clinical director of Camp Erin with Penn Medicine Hospice, adding, “it’s hard to talk about something that is painful for ourselves.”
As a result, Dr. Frieden says, some people will either try to avoid discussing the topic or try to offer comfort by talking about their own experience. Unfortunately, those responses aren’t usually the most effective. It certainly is possible to offer effective support to folks who are grieving, though. Keep the following tips in mind for how to do so, and then get specific prompts for both what to say to someone who lost a loved one and also what to avoid saying. Plus, learn other tangible ways you can offer support.
What To Say To Someone Who Just Lost a Loved One
Don’t feel like you have to say the perfect thing to convey your support to someone who is grieving
Of course, you don’t want to further upset a person who is grieving the loss of a loved one. But to save yourself from awkwardly stumbling over your words in an effort to say the exact perfect thing, remember this is a person you’ve interacted with in the past.
“Often, friends and colleagues feel a need to say just the right thing. People may fear saying something that could make the situation worse so they avoid saying anything at all.” —Gina Frieden, PhD, trauma and loss expert
“Take the pressure off yourself,” Dr. Frieden says. “Often, friends and colleagues feel a need to say just the right thing. People may fear saying something that could make the situation worse so they avoid saying anything at all.”
This lack of response, says Opher, may make the person who is grieving feel that their loss is being minimized or brushed aside. If you find yourself feeling this way, though, Opher says you can say so. Because that alone can effectively convey support. “You can say, ‘I don’t really know what to say, but I’m so sorry for your loss,’” she says. Another option: “I’m sorry this is something I can’t fix for you, but I’m here for you.”
The best way to communicate, Dr. Frieden adds, “is often just being present and validating the griever’s feelings and experience.”
Don’t feel the need to talk about the loss—but don’t go out of your way to ignore it, either.
“It’s important not to avoid the situation, but to take cues from the person,” Opher says. “They may not want to talk about it all the time.” Talking about a loss can help provide good memories, but can also make someone feel vulnerable or sad at a time they may not feel comfortable expressing those emotions.
So, how can you know how to proceed in a way that’s actually helpful? Ultimately, it’s best to “take your cues from the griever,” Dr. Frieden says. “People grieve in many different ways. Some grievers might prefer to talk openly about the loss. If so, listen without trying to fix or change the subject. Just being present and acknowledging the pain is important.
3 Prompts for Something To Say To Someone Who Lost a Loved One
Dr. Frieden says that these phrases are often helpful:
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