A sex expert shares 5 ways to try something new in bed

Ever wish you could have a personal coach for all things sex and relationships? That’s Lila Darville, actually, and her caring, direct advice *will* transform your sex life for the better. Here, in her latest for the Well+Good Council, she provides concrete ways to explore erotic possibilities with your partner. Try one or try them all—and watch as your satisfaction grows and grows.

When looking for ways to broaden your sexual experience with your partner, communication is key. But to keep the conversation going and the experiences unfolding, you may be looking for more direct inspiration.

We all have different erotic languages, so it can be helpful to understand yours and your partner’s so you can work toward connecting more deeply. We should be constantly discovering the flavors of play that might be available to us and the ways to share fantasies and desires with our partner.

There are many ways to get inspired that can deepen communication and precision of language and facilitate a mind-body connection—and they aren’t purely visual. The ideal result of exploring erotic possibilities is creating avenues of communication where you can freely share in a low-pressure environment.

Luckily, if you need some inspiration for new sexual possibilities, there are some amazing resources! Here are some of my favorite tools to open the conversation and discover things you didn’t even know you were craving.

Find alternative pleasure sources

Unfortunately, with Tumblr no longer allowing adult content, we have lost access to a lot of beautiful erotic art! But there are others. OMGyes is one great resource. It features female masturbation videos that open the conversation of female pleasure with techniques and guidance for clitoral stimulation. The videos are very candid, informative, and entertaining—and great to watch together or alone.

Listen and learn

Read erotica to each other or listen to audio erotica. This can help increase erotic input and give you loads of inspiration. It helps to build vocabulary and supports being more comfortable talking freely about sexual desires.

You might be surprised to know that Audible has a selection of erotica all available in a free 30-day trial. One favorite is Orgasmic: Erotic Stories for Women. For something a little more explicit, try Fifty Shades of Lewd Erotica.

As surely as you will find something that will turn you on, you will also find something that will turn you off. One of the best things for our sex lives is being able to laugh without shame and without fear. Sharing the humor of sexuality with each other is a perfect way to create more intimacy and connection.

Get the creative juices flowing

Sometimes it can be tricky to start the conversation about what you might be interested in exploring with your partner, but there is a great website to help you out. Mojo Upgrade is basically a yes/no/maybe questionnaire. You both fill it out, then the site reveals to you only what both of you are willing and wanting to do. It alleviates any awkwardness and feelings of rejection if there is something you don’t want to do.

Choose porn wisely

I don’t typically suggest porn, because I feel women crave more true-to-the-moment sexual discovery than the performative sex demonstrated in porn, but if it could feel like the right way to go for your relationship, I’d suggest watching something ethical and a little more realistic like Make Love, Not Porn. It is a library of curated, user-generated porn that prides itself on loving porn and loving sex—but knowing the difference between the two.

Erika Lust Films is another alternative to the more common, male-gaze-dominated pornography. It is ethical porn that features fluid gender roles where women aren’t just engaging in sex for male pleasure.

The key for each individual when experiencing pornography or erotica is to identify the difference between fantasy and desire. In fantasy, anything is possible, where desire is what you really want to happen in real life. Making the distinction between the two is important.

Write love letters

Create an erotic shared journal. This can become a very fun exercise and great everyday foreplay. Some people find more ease writing about their desires than they do stating them openly, and with this activity, you will also create a great keepsake and reference.

Discover your erotic blueprint

Jaiya Ma’s Erotic Blueprint Quiz is a tool to help you better understand yourself and your partner,—and how to have the best sex of your life. We’ve all been taught to think that sex should look and end a certain way, and if you don’t enjoy it or can’t climax, you’ve failed.Jaiya’s Erotic Blueprints show us that not only are we all wired differently, but there are superpowers (and shadow sides) to each of these sexual blueprints.

In all aspects of our lives we are evolving, learning, and growing. Sexuality is no different. Whether you’re seeking to discover more about yourself, wanting to communicate your desires with a new partner, or wanting to keep the erotic energy alive with an existing partner, these are just a few of the resource available to you. Take the discussion out of the realm of being taboo, dive in and be all of who you are.

An expert on sex and intimacy, Lila Darville is a professional relationship coach who brings her body-positive, real-talk approach to stadiums full of women as the pleasure director of a show in Las Vegas called Magic Mike Live.

What should Lila write about next? Send your questions and suggestions to [email protected].