Burrito bowls or burgers for dinner? Did you call the plumber? Did the dog have a bowel movement? The more entangled your life gets with your partner, the more commonplace these types of questions become. No doubt, there can be something intimate about the minutiae of everyday life, but experts agree that there is value in continuing to get to know your partner on a deeper, more intimate level through questions that build emotional intimacy.

Asking your SO deep questions signals to them that you care about them and their inner world, according to licensed psychotherapist and couple therapist Gary Brown, PhD, LMFT, who is currently based out of Los Angeles. Plus, the genuine, sincere discussions that tend to follow these connection-building questions can promote compassion, empathy, and love, he says. The thing is, as your usual back-and-forth exemplifies, not all questions are equally adept at strengthening your body. Connection-boosting questions are often open-ended since they invite your partner to—you guessed it—open up, according to psychotherapist Annalise Oatman, LCSW, the founder of Deeper Well Therapy, an online counseling platform. Her golden rule for knowing a given question fits the bill? “If [your question] starts with, ‘What,’ ‘How,’ or, ‘Why,’ then you’re probably on the right track,” she says.

Just in case creativity in the question department isn’t your strong suit or you’ve historically had a fear of intimacy, but you’re currently interested in boosting connection and chemistry, we put together this cheat sheet of questions to build emotional intimacy. Read on for 20+ therapist-backed questions to ask your partner to build emotional intimacy.

What does it mean to be emotionally connected?

Emotional connection is like homemade soup in that you know it when you taste (er, feel) it—but that doesn’t mean the term defines definition. According to clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, PhD, author of The Joy of Imperfect Love, “emotional connection is the result you get when you feel aligned with another’s feelings or actions.” It’s the knowing nod you give your cousin across the Thanksgiving table when the narrow-minded Uncle starts yapping. It’s the hint of a smile shared with your SO when someone starts waxing poetic about a movie you both hate. It’s the long hug your bestie gives you without having to be asked explicitly.

“Emotional intimacy is the deep sense of closeness that results from the mutual sharing of innermost feelings and thoughts.” —Carla Marie Manly PhD, author of The Joy of Imperfect Love

“In the context of a relationship, such as with a romantic partner, these moments of emotional connection can lead to greater emotional intimacy,” says Dr. Manly. (No, emotional connection and emotional intimacy are not the same—though, we’ll get to that below). You might think of each moment of emotional connection as a plank of wood that a construction worker uses to erect the foundation of a home. Of course, in the case of emotional connection, it isn’t a physical shelter that’s being built, but an emotional one.

What are some examples of emotional intimacy?

Add a series of emotionally connected moments, trust, vulnerability, and security into a blender bowl, whisk it all up, and you’ve got yourself emotional intimacy. “Emotional intimacy is the deep sense of closeness that results from the mutual sharing of innermost feelings and thoughts,” says Dr. Manly. It is something that is built over time, she says.

In a relationship, Dr. Manly says that emotional intimacy is exemplified by, as well and compounded during:

• Honest heart-to-hearts about your met and unmet wants and needs
• Active listening when someone is sharing
• Providing comfort and support during tender times

The more positive emotionally intimate moments that are shared between partners, the more partners trust one another, she says. Once the trust is developed and there is a shared sense of security, you can be truly vulnerable with one another, she says. “It’s in this space of trust-fed vulnerability, that deep emotional intimacy can begin to grow.”

Why is emotional intimacy important in relationships?

“Emotional intimacy is so important because it forms a solid foundation of trust and security upon which you can build a strong relationship,” says sex and relationship therapist Katherine Hertlein PhD, LMFT, expert with Blueheart and professor in the couple and family therapy program at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas School of Medicine. “Without it, even great physical chemistry or intellectual connection can feel hollow,” she says.

Emotional chemistry has been proven to level up a couple’s sexual relationships. One study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships¹ reported that couples with higher levels of emotional intimacy reported higher levels of sexual desire, as well as more regular trips to Pound Town. Meanwhile, a second study² found that for women, emotional intimacy is an even better predictor for overall relational happiness and satisfaction than sexual accessibility; the more emotionally connected the participants felt to their partners, the happier they were regardless of how often they did the deed.

PHOTO

20 questions to build emotional connection in a relationship, according to therapists

Waiting passively for emotional intimacy to grow in your relationship is like expecting a veggie garden to grow without water. So, if you’re ready to get in the driver’s seat of your love life and start feeding your romantic relationships(s) the emotional connection they need to thrive, give the below questions a whirl.

1. If we could create your perfect day, what might that look like?

If the dishes were done, the work email had reached inbox zero, the kids (or pups) were taken care of, the to-do list was done, done, and done, and money wasn’t a concern, how would your partner spend the next 24 hours? Dr. Brown says that the answer your partner gives you to this open-ended question might surprise you. It gives them the space to discuss their hopes, dreams, desires, wishes, bucket list items, and more with you—all in a playful way. This, in turn, can help you better understand and connect with your partner, he says.

2. What’s your favorite memory of us?

This question is vague for a reason! Asking non-leading questions that allow your partner to respond without the limitations of caveats and follow-ups can provide incredible insight into their core values, morals, and beliefs. Plus, “knowing what made the memory special can help us develop a more intimate understanding of your partner,” says marriage and family therapist Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT out of Los Angeles. In the event that your partner answers with one-word or a calendar date, consider asking them to tell the story of that memory. This will enable you to hear what they remember about the day, which will give you a deeper look at their psyche.

3. What are some small, everyday things that make you feel loved and appreciated?

“Talking about your relationship itself can foster emotional intimacy because it helps you understand, as well as hopefully work to meet one another’s needs,” says sex and relationship therapist Katherine Hertlein PhD., LMFT, expert with Blueheart and professor in the couple and family therapy program at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas School of Medicine. She specifically recommends asking your partner this question because it will clue you in on how you should prioritize your loving-energy and time.

If your partner reports that they feel loved when you spend quality time together at the end of each day eating dinner, then you might prioritize regular dinner dates, or feel inclined to suggest eating at the table as opposed to the TV, she says. Meanwhile, if your partner feels most loved when you give them a foot rub or hand massage, you’ll know to reach for their aching fingers and toes when you’re on the couch together.

4. Is there an activity or experience you’d like to do together?

As you spend more time with your partner, you may begin to think that you know them inside and out. However, this is not necessarily the case (nor should it be). To inject some spice into your routine and facilitate learning more about one another, psychotherapist Renee Sher-McMeans, LMFT recommends trying new activities and experiences together to keep your relationship fun, fresh, and exciting. If your partner has a hard time thinking outside of the box on this one, consider going through a magazine together and having them pinpoint activities from ads or articles that they feel drawn to.

5. What’s something you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t done yet?

“This question allows us to consider our future hopes and also what has kept us from pursuing our desires,” says Lurie on questions to build emotional intimacy. In other words, when you have a deeper understanding of your partner, you’re able to support and encourage them to push themselves outside of their comfort zone and try new things so that they can achieve their dreams and face their fears.

6. Can you describe a moment when you felt completely seen and heard by me?

Maybe it was the time you took out the trash without having to be asked a second time (and put a new bag in the bin!). Maybe it was last weekend when you were a gregarious plus-one to their work event. Maybe it was when you stared deeply into their eyes while making love. Whatever it is, Dr. Hertlein says your partner’s answer(s) will give you insight on the words or actions that make them feel most seen and heard, which odds are, you probably want. As an added bonus, this question to build emotional intimacy encourages your partner to focus on the things you are doing, which can be a beneficial framing if you’ve been feeling like a punching bag recently.

7. What is your love language?

The love languages describe the main ways that people express and internalize love. The original love languages, introduced by Gary Chapman, are: quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts. Though, there are also 18 different modern love languages created by Anne Hodder-Shop as well as the 5 neurodivergent love languages.

Whichever love language framework you use, learning how a person gives and wants to receive love is very important, according to Jenni Skyler, PhD, LMFT, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and sexologist with the sexual-health brand Adam & Eve. “If we offer our partner love in a manner that makes them feel loved, then they feel special,” she says. Meanwhile, “if we offer love in a way they prefer, but doesn’t hit home for our partner, then the connection is somewhat fractured because they don’t feel as special.” In the event that you or your partner don’t fully understand the various love languages, an added bonus of this question is that it gives you a topic to research together. Plus, there are a million different online quizzes that you can take side-by-side, which is very fun.

8. What would you like to be appreciated for?

Odds are your partner does things for your benefit that you don’t even recognize. For instance, maybe they keep their nails short because you once mentioned you’ve been wanting to try anal fingering. Or maybe they fold your underwear, because you once said it makes you feel capital-e Elite. Or maybe they make reservations at your favorite restaurants more than their own to make you happy. Whatever the thing, “everyone has things they wish they were more appreciated for,” says Oatman on questions to build emotional intimacy. By taking the time to ask your partner what they’d like to be appreciated for, you’re inviting them to speak freely and candidly about their wants, needs, and expectations. In turn, you can work on expressing gratitude accordingly.

9. What makes you feel safe?

Couples often break up because of a simple misunderstanding about how to make one another feel safe, secure, and cherished, says Oatman. Since different people feel these things in different ways, it’s important to work to understand the intricacies of what makes your partner feel safe, so that you can adjust your communication and actions accordingly. Further, “when you ask someone what makes them feel safe, you are signaling that you are invested in the person feeling safe,” says Dr. Manly on questions to build emotional intimacy. For example, you might think sharing your location with your partner helps them trust your loyalty, while they find the extra information anxiety-producing. Or, you may feel like you’re working hard to make your partner feel safe by cradling their face during sex, when what they might really need is aftercare after all is said and cum. Ultimately, it all comes down to communication.

10. What is something I do that makes you feel unloved?

No doubt, this question doesn’t have the same Fun Factor as those that allow your partner to highlight where you shine bright like a diamond. But Dr. Hertlein says, “understanding what makes them feel unloved is just as important as understanding what makes them feel loved, as it helps prevent misunderstandings,” she says.

11. What is one way I’ve disappointed you that feels unresolved?

“This question is important because so many couples avoid difficult subjects, and resentment builds,” says certified sex therapist and licensed psychologist Kate Balestrieri, PsyD, founder of therapy practice Modern Intimacy. And resentment can be toxic to your emotional, as well as your physical and sexual interactions, she says. “Resentment is a libido annihilator, so really working toward repair with humility can move partners closer toward re-establishing intimacy and connection.” If and when your partner confides in you, Dr. Balestrieri advises staying cool, calm, and collected. It will feel safe and validating for your partner if you can acknowledge that you’ve done something hurtful and earnestly try to make it better without getting defensive, she says.

“Discussing childhood experiences opens the windows to understanding your partner’s emotional wiring, as our upbringing shapes how we see and move through the world.” —Katherine Hertlein PhD, LMFT, expert with Bluehear

12. If you could change one thing about how you grew up, what would it be?

“Discussing childhood experiences opens the windows to understanding your partner’s emotional wiring, as our upbringing shapes how we see and move through the world,” says Dr. Hertlein. “When you seek to learn about your partner’s younger years, you’re essentially uncovering the “why” behind their behavior,” she says. In essence, you’re learning their attachment style, says Dr. Manly. Moreover, taking the time to learn about your partner’s challenges allows you to empathize with and support them more effectively in general.

13. How did your family navigate conflict growing up?

Whether they raise their voice or retreat to their rooms, activate the silence treatment or give you the cold shoulder, odds are that how your partner shows up (or fleas) during moments of tension is influenced by how conflict played out between their parents, caregivers, siblings, and themselves in their early years, according to Dr. Hertlein. “If your partner grew up in a family that avoided conflict, for example, they might now feel uncomfortable addressing disagreements directly, preferring to withdraw,” she explains. When you understand their fight background, you may be able to approach your current conflicts with more patience, using gentle communication that doesn’t feel confrontational, which helps them feel safe enough to open up, she says.

14. When you’re worried about something, what helps you feel better?

We all feel anxious or overwhelmed at times, and having the support of a loved one (like a romantic partner) can help to work us through such difficulty with flying colors—or, at the very least, less tears. Thing is, there is no one-size-fits-all way that support should look during these moments. Some people like tight hugs and knowing murmurs, while others prefer a listening ear and opportunity to word-vomit. Asking your partner about how they like to be treated when they’re stressed, according to Lurie, will provide you with meaningful insight on how to best support them during such instances, as well as what kinds of bids for connections they prefer.

15. What did a past romantic relationship teach you about yourself?

“I like couples to share what they have learned about themselves in past relationships,” says Dr. Skyler. Why? Simply, because it can lead to deeper understanding. The goal of this question isn’t to poke a sensitive spot in your current relationship, nor to play the comparison game. Rather, this question is designed to enable your partner to share how a past relationship impacted them, she says. The truth is, whether you keep past relationships on the hush hush, talk about them regularly, or bring them up in controlled settings (like this kind of Q&A game), something your partner experienced with an ex helped uncover something.

16. How do you define sex?

Talking about how you all define sex can help you get on the same page about which activities you do together “count” as sex, says Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT, New York-based licensed psychotherapist and host of The Wright Conversations podcast. “Your answers to this question can also help give one another ideas on what makes you feel sexually connected,” she says. This can be especially beneficial when traditional penetrative sex isn’t on the table, for instance due to a health issue or being in the postpartum period.

17. What is something we do during sex that you really enjoy?

Consider this question to build emotional intimacy post post coital pillow talk. The goal here is to focus on something that is present in your sex life that you like. If you’re sexually satisfied, this question will be easy-peasy for you each to answer. Meanwhile, if the type or quantity of sex you’re currently having is a tension point, this question will give you an opportunity to focus on the parts of it that are fulfilling.

18. What role do you see sex playing, or want it to play, in our relationship?

“In many cases, couples see sex and sexuality as being ‘carved out’ and separated from the relationship—it is not seen as part of the whole,” explains Dr. Manly. But when couples see sexual intimacy as being a slice of the intimacy pie, the overall relationship benefits, she says. This question gives you and your partner the opportunity to chew through the role sex does, or could, play, as a starting point.

19. What is something you have always dreamed about trying in bed?

Sexual fantasies may be common, but few people share the nitty-gritty details of them with anyone. As such, “sharing this type of information is a significant gift towards connection,” says Dr. Skyler. Further, when your partner is the only one—or one of a few—people to know your deepest sexual desires, fantasies, and past experiences, the emotional bond between the two of you grows, she says.

20. How would you describe our current relationship design and why?

From reflexively monogamous to monogam-ish, polyamorous to non-monogamous, there are many structures that a romantic relationship can make, explains Wright. Thing is, many people have different definitions for the different relationships structures, as well different relationship preferences. “Talking about your current relationship design, as well as what about it is working, not working so well, and would be open to editing, can help you get on the same page about what you are and are not interested in exploring,” she says.

PHOTO

Other questions to build emotional connection and intimacy

Did asking and answering the above questions for emotional connection teach you that you love organized conversation? If so, you might consider investing in a deck of cards designed with conversation and connectedness in mind. “[These card decks] are delightful and easy to use and that prompt self-reflection and conversation with romantic partners,” says Dr. Manly.

Some of these options include:

• Where Should We Begin? A Game of Stories
• Imperfect Love Relationship Oracle & Reflection
• We’re Not Really Strangers Card Game
• TableTopics: Couples

How to fix a relationship that lacks emotional intimacy

In the event that you and your partner previously had grade-A emotional intimacy, asking a few questions can function as polish, cleaning off the rust and returning you to your previously shiny-gold (read: emotionally intimate) status). However, if the emotional intimacy in your relationship is MIA, and has been for quite some time, building that emotional connection is going to require more than a Q&A, according to Dr. Manly. “Conversations alone won’t necessarily foster a deep connection—you also need all partners to buy in over the long-term,” she says. Simply going through the motions if you’re emotionally unavailable won’t cut it, she says.

In the event that one or both (or all) partners are struggling to open up intimately and relationship questions either don’t feel accessible or aren’t curing it, she suggests finding and working with a relationship counselor. Given that emotional intimacy is an essential ingredient of a healthy, happy relationship, doing so just might save your relationship.

Final thoughts on questions to build emotional intimacy

In the midst of the everyday responsibilities that life presents, it’s not uncommon for emotional and romantic connection to get pushed to the sidelines. Fortunately, getting back into the swing of connecting can be as approachable as asking one another a few questions to build emotional intimacy. As Hertlein puts it, “Having the honest, heart-to-heart talks that [these questions] invite, is a great way to invite emotional intimacy into your relationship.”