When you think about the powerhouses of the meditation and mindfulness world right now, these two people probably spring to mind: Lodro Rinzler, the man bringing meditation to the masses as the chief spiritual officer at New York City meditation studio MNDFL, and Sharon Salzberg, a leading figure in the contemporary world of Buddhism and author of several here-to-change-your-life-books including Love Your Enemies and Real Happiness at Work.
So it’s not surprising that when these two get together, they dish out some seriously thought-provoking stuff. At one such meeting of the minds of mindfulness last week—AKA Salzberg’s Real Love: The Art of Mindful Connection book launch party—Rinzler interviewed Salzberg about her new book, and she revealed some of the radical ways you can (and should) think about love and relationships.
The first thing, Salzberg says, is accepting that loving yourself is easier than you think. Here’s what comes next.
1. You don’t have to earn love
According to Salzberg, thinking of love as something that’s innate and not earned is “startling” and “wakes us up,” and she knows not everyone will agree with that. “A lot of people might say, ‘I don’t deserve that, I have to earn it, I have to do XYZ before I’m worthy of love.’ And I think it’s pretty bold to think innately, ‘I don’t have to do anything.’ Just because you exist, you are worthy of love,” she says.
2. You don’t have to be a finished project to love
“I don’t think it has to be a done deal before we can love someone else,” Salzberg says of the idea that you must be a fully realized and perfected person before seeking love. “It’s often the love of others that mirrors in some way that capacity of love inside of us and reminds us, ‘Oh yeah, that’s there.'” Salzberg also says that the process of self-improvement could take a long time. “I think that’s the wrong way of thinking,” she says. “As we connect to others, something comes alive in us—that’s very generative of that kind of love for ourselves.”
3. Love is an ability, not a commodity
On how to even define or think about love, Salzberg says, “It’s not a feeling, it’s an ability. You will discover an ability within you, almost like in a seed form that is never destroyed. No matter what you may go through as a person, no matter what you may do as a person, it is never ever destroyed—it’s covered over or hidden, it may be hard to find, may be hard to trust. But it’s a capacity to love, to connect, to understand your life, to have clarity, to have wisdom. And that’s who you fundamentally are in a way.”
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This post was originally published on July 24, 2017; updated on July 31, 2020.
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What would you tell your younger self? And how would you reflect on your life so far?
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There's a new TikTok trend, inspired by a poem by writer Jennae Cecelia, where creators imagine they just got coffee with their younger selves. Each "version" takes turns expressing how they feel at their point in life. The younger version leaves the coffee date feeling the support and love they perhaps didn't have earlier, and the older version comes away with more clarity on how much they’ve grown, persevered, and learned.
"[My younger self] said she always felt like she made the wrong decision," wrote creator @hello.kelsie in a TikTok video that has amassed nearly two million views. "I told her I [now] never second-guessed myself."
Even Barbara Corcoran got in on the TikTok trend, looking back on how she went from “scared” waitress to fearless real estate mogul.
It may feel like a silly premise, but the trend actually mirrors a rising therapeutic technique: narrative therapy, which involves lots of self-reflection and putting on your creative writing cap.
The concept? Physically writing down your experiences or sharing stories of what happened in your life can help you break out of negative thought patterns, stereotypes, and other societal messaging.
"The stories we tell ourselves can become self-fulfilling prophecies," therapist Jordan Madison, LCMFT, tells Well+Good. Narrative therapy is all about looking at the big picture from an outsider's perspective, which can help keep you from internalizing problems or focusing only on the negative. If you understand the story of your own life, you can better figure out how to rewrite the next chapter to your liking.
Author your life story
There's some research to back up the benefits of narrative therapy. One study published in The Journal of Positive Psychology explored how a person's storytelling skills are related to their sense of meaning in life. Through a series of surveys, researchers found that across the board, test subjects who were dubbed better storytellers (by themselves, strangers, and those close to them) also had a stronger sense of purpose, meaning, and growth.
Christine Pride, a longtime memoir publisher and author of the upcoming novel All the Men I’ve Loved Again, understands the power of someone writing down their story—both for the author and the readers. Pride jokes that she sometimes feels like a writer's therapist as they're working on a memoir together. And though being an author isn't quite the same as booking an appointment with a licensed professional, the steps of journaling for your mental health and writing a memoir for public consumption might be more similar than you'd think.
"There's a lot of personal writing that can be really helpful and therapeutic," Pride says, citing things like morning pages or writing letters you never intend to send in order to help yourself make sense of what you experienced.
In narrative therapy, it's also helpful to get everything off your chest via journaling before pulling back to notice which storylines keep popping up. After that, there's something to be said for pretending to be an outside observer, reading someone else's story. What unhelpful thought patterns do you keep seeing?
"Reframing and noticing patterns are huge tools in boosting your mental health," Madison says. “When you realize patterns you’re participating in, and that you have the power to change them, it helps you to feel less stuck and work on small habits and changes in thoughts and behaviors to do things differently."
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How to try narrative therapy techniques for yourself
So you're intrigued by the concept of narrative therapy—what's next? Book that coffee date, buy your younger self that Frappuccino they love, and get reflecting. (And, of course, you can also book an appointment with a licensed mental health professional who can help you work through your thoughts.) If you're flying solo, try these expert-approved tips to get started:
Ask yourself the right questions When journaling, it may help to have specific prompts to guide you. Madison recommends implementing the following questions as you reflect:
What is the narrative I have about this situation?
How does this story affect my thoughts, emotions, and behaviors?
Who are the characters in this story, and what are the roles they play?
When was the first time I created this story, and what situation made it develop?
What events or experiences contributed to this narrative?
Have there been times when this story wasn't true?
What is a more empowering narrative I can begin to tell myself instead?
Write like nobody will read it While editing memoirs, Pride sometimes notices writers holding back the real emotional crux of their story because they're worried about how those close to them might react. Whether you're writing for yourself or an audience, you won't find the true meaning of your story until you're 100% honest with yourself.
"You can't write your story honestly if you're censoring yourself along the way based on fearing what your mom or cousin is going to say about it," she says.
(However, if you're actually publishing your life story, those close to you are going to have opinions, which you may need to mentally prepare for.)
Don't expect to fix everything right away Writing the story of your life will take some time. Pride says that not only is that OK, but it's actually beneficial. More time means you might better understand the full arc of your story.
"You have to have distance," Pride says. "I tell people they can't really be objective without some distance, and sometimes that distance equates to time."
When you hug your younger self goodbye at the end of your coffee date, promise to keep in touch—the more you two get to know each other, the better you'll feel in the long run.
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While in grad school, I had a class where my only homework was to utilize free meditation apps for three minutes a day. Literally. Meditate three minutes a day and I’d almost be guaranteed an A. You’d think that this was easy, but you’d be wrong. The point of the class was to show how simple things, like eating breakfast every day, getting your steps in every day, or even just setting aside three minutes to meditate, could actually be really difficult to do when it came to balancing everything else going on in your life, despite your best intentions. It also didn’t help the stress of the semester that the so-called “free meditation app” I chose to hang my entire semester’s worth of meditating on…turned out to be not as free as I thought it would be after the initial trial period. Getting a ping on your lil’ debit card app that you’ve been charged for a year’s subscription to an app you forgot to cancel while you’re in the 19th hour of studying for finals in the basement library…was certainly not good for my mental health I’ll tell you that.
Thankfully, I know now that there *are* great free meditation apps out there, if you know where to look. “When someone is looking for a meditation app, it’s important that they sample what they offer as well as look for hidden fees,” says family therapist Kara Kushnir, MSW, LCSW, PMH-C. “Knowing what you are getting and reading reviews can really help mitigate someone having a bad experience and then turning away from the practice of meditation,” Kushnir adds.
“Knowing what you are getting and reading reviews can really help mitigate someone having a bad experience and then turning away from the practice of meditation.”—Kara Kushnir, MSW, LCSW, PMH-C, family therapist
As for what else to look for in meditation apps, psychotherapist Topsie VandenBosch suggests looking for an app that offers a variety of lengths, instructor styles, music, themes, and evidence-based techniques that are used, such as mindfulness-based stress reduction. Kushnir also adds that guided modules can help beginners find their footing. (Pro-tip from me: any guided bedtime meditation or guided morning meditation classes can help you anchor your practice to a time of day for you and make it easier to stay consistent.) Stay away from any apps that “make outrageous claims about the outcomes of meditation without scientific research backing it, as well as instructors who have not been adequately trained and vetted,” VandenBosch says.
As for what free meditation apps are worth the download? We asked the experts for their recommendations and did some of our own research to see what some of the best free meditation apps are available today. And P.S. If you need a refresher on mindfulness basics, like what is meditation, and breathwork, feel free to check out more resources here.
Is there a totally free meditation app?
Yes, there are totally free meditation apps out there. But we understand your skepticism. Many subscription-based apps offer free versions that are really much more limited versions of the full thing. However, several apps from non-profit organizations, universities, and government agencies are truly free and have the added benefit of coming from mental health research centers, so all of their offerings are evidence-based. These include apps like Smiling Mind and the UCLA Mindful App. Other apps, like Waking Up, offer scholarships to make their app accessible to all.
Price: Free scholarships available, otherwise $120/year or $20/month
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VandenBosch recommends this app as a good option for free meditation apps, and while this app does have paid options (starting at $120 for a year or $20 monthly) it’s free for anyone who can’t afford it. You can request a scholarship, which allows you to use the app for free.
Waking Up offers fundamentals of mindfulness from neuroscientist Sam Harris (the creator of the app) and other meditation teachers. There are daily reflections, meditation practices, and the app promises to “pressure-test ancient wisdom against modern science, so you won’t find outlandish claims or anything we haven’t found to be empirically true,” which is especially useful in today’s world of misinformation.
Price: Free for the first year, then $70/year or $12/month
Another VandenBosch recommendation, this app also offers a paid tier, but is currently offering the first year free for users on both iPhone and Android. This free meditation app has courses to reduce anxiety, sleep better, increase focus, and feel happier. It’s personalized, so you can answer questions every day about the sources of your stress, thus leading to a more customized experience. With meditation programs ranging from “Singles” (“bite-sized meditations you can use anytime, even on the go”) to longer programs, this app has a ton of cool features to make meditation feel perfect for you.
Price: Free trial for 7–14 days, then $150/year or $20/month
VandenBosch also recommends this app that focuses on “science-based meditation and breathwork.” For those looking to pair breathwork with meditation, this app has a special focus on guided breathwork that includes music. It also offers live and on-demand classes, ranging from one to 60 minutes, with new content added daily.
This completely free app may be new, but boasts 4.8 stars over 8,000 ratings. It offers guided meditation for beginners, bedtime stories, sleep sounds, relaxing music, and more. This app also has an easy toggle for Adult and Kids mode, so if you’ve got little ones in the house, you can also easily switch between kid-friendly meditation and nighttime stories.
A long-time player in the meditation app space, Insight Timer is the closest thing you will get to a robust meditation app with a variety of content and a sleek user experience that’s free. In addition to guided meditations, there are musical tracks for meditation, a meditation timer, sleep-based meditations, and breathwork sessions. A journal section lets you track your mood and insights about your mental health, plus yoga, sleep sounds and stories, and inspirational written contact to round out your wellness practice.
There is a “MembersPlus” option that you can access through a paywall that offers some premium audio and offline features, as well as access to courses. But honestly, you could probably meditate for the rest of your life and not run out of free guided lessons on this particular app.
Price: Free, with optional premium tier for $70/year or $12/month
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Aura will serve you meditation content based on a sign-up quiz that gauges your interests. While it’s hard to tell from the app’s description where they really push users to sign up for a premium membership, there is actually still a free option, albeit a limited one. With a free tier membership, you’ll get access to one new three-minute meditation every two hours daily. And if you’re just getting started, that tiny chunk of mindfulness might be just what you want and need (especially since a three-minute meditation is the exact amount of time you need to reset your nervous system).
I mean, who wouldn’t want their mind to smile? This app comes from an Australian non-profit determined to spread mindfulness near and far. All of Smiling Mind’s programs, which include exercises you do on your own and guided meditations, are completely free. This app is also notable for its bright, poppy aesthetic that can help make meditation less intimidating for youngsters. If you’re an educator or a parent attempting to teach the practice to younglings, the app has tons of free content to help you do just that.
Price: Free, with optional premium tier for $50/year or $5/month
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This app is an emotional well-being app specifically created by BIWOC for BIWOC. According to the app’s website, it was “born out of the idea that the Black and Brown community is holding its breath, waiting for the next video of police brutality, the next micro-aggression, or the next negative health impact statistic. It’s time to exhale – to breathe out all that isn’t serving BIWOC and breathe in healing, energy and love.”
Most of the content requires a paid subscription, however when you download the app, you can still access a subset of the features for free. You can find meditations, guided visualizations, breath work, coaching talks, and affirmations. The topics are curated with the BIWOC community in mind, with topics around embodiment, microaggressions, soul medicine, ascending, and more.
Price: Free, with optional premium tier for $50/year or $8/month
Meditation Studio is an app with over 70 experts that provide meditations for specific goals around stress, sleep, deep sleep, work, gratitude, parents, entrepreneurs, and more. The app is free on iOS and includes a dozen of the most popular meditations, an unguided meditation timer, and more.
If you appreciate some educational backing with your mindfulness, this is the app for you. Not only is it free, but this app also lets you access guidance from UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center even if you’re not physically in Southern California. You can find basic meditations, wellness meditations, videos, a timer, and weekly podcasts from UCLA’s Hammer Museum.
Created by the Veterans Administration National Center for PTSD, this app is a completely free app that won’t supplement its content with advertising or sharing your data. It’s designed to teach you about mindfulness through a self-guided mindfulness training program. It also has 12 guided mindfulness audio sessions, plus written articles, and other audio content that expands on a mindfulness practice.
Another app out of an academic setting, this app has “hundreds of hours” of guided meditations and mindfulness and mental health learning sessions. It’s made by the Center for Healthy Minds at the University of Wisconsin – Madison, and incorporates the research of lead neuroscientist Richard Davidson, PhD. Program donors make the free app possible, and while it’s totally free to use and download, you will also have the option to donate.
This app is really meant to be used as a subscription service, but if you cancel membership at the end of the free trial, you’ll still be able to use a free and much more limited version of the app. This includes regular timed meditation sessions (so basically, a reminder and a timer), a new weekly guided meditation, and other supplementary content.
Price: Free, with optional premium tier for $100/year or $10/month
Another primarily subscription-based app, this app does have a decent amount of free content available once you download the app. For example, it released dozens of free guided meditations to help people cope during the height of the pandemic. That includes sessions created for first responders, as well as resources for the general public, such as navigating through tough times.
YouTube is, of course, not strictly a meditation app. But if you search “guided meditation” or “mindfulness meditation,” you’ll find scores of meditations at your fingertips. You can also check out the YouTube accounts of popular (paid) meditation apps for tons of free meditation content. For example, Calm’s “The Essentials” playlist contains 11 guided meditations for reducing stress and anxiety, doing a body scan, changing negative thought patterns, and more.
