How to Tell the Difference Between Falling in Love, Being in Love, and Loving Someone

Love is one of the most incredible, confusing, and life-altering emotions we can feel. It’s all-consuming, completely complex, and utterly devastating at times. And, even though everyone has the ability to feel love, its different stages are often misunderstood. So, what is the difference between being in love and loving someone—and how does falling in love fit into the equation?

Falling in love, being in love, and loving someone are distinct phases that can happen at various points throughout a person’s life. “Falling in love is the initial stage of a romantic relationship, it’s where we feel more of an infatuation, and view our partner through rose-colored glasses,” explains relationship expert Rachel DeAlto. “Being in love is a deeper, more stable phase that follows the initial infatuation. It involves a stronger emotional connection, trust, and commitment to the relationship. Being in love has a deeper sense of security, understanding, and affection.” The importance of this? Recognizing the contrasts between each stage can be especially valuable when it comes to understanding your relationships.

Picture this: you’re thinking about the romantic relationship between two close friends. When they first met, they couldn’t stop talking about each other. This was the phase of falling in love, which was marked by excitement, attraction, and newness. They were inseparable, getting to know everything they could about each other. As time went on, their relationship evolved and they entered the being in love phase. They moved past the initial infatuation and began to build a deeper, more stable connection. They faced challenges together, supported each other, and became more comfortable with one another. This stage was less about the high of new love and more about creating a lasting bond built on trust and mutual respect.

Eventually, their love matured into a deep commitment—loving someone. This phase involved a conscious choice to remain dedicated and caring, even when the initial excitement faded. Their relationship became a partnership rooted in affection, shared values, and a commitment to each other. Throughout all of this, each of these friends may have expressed a strong platonic love for you, another form of loving someone.

Ahead, psychologists and relationship experts explain the distinct stages, while offering advice for pinpointing where you might, well, fall in any romantic situation. Keep reading to learn more about what love really is.

What is the difference between being in love and falling in love?

If you think about it, there’s a big difference between being in love and falling in love. As DeAlto mentioned, falling in love is the first phase of a romantic relationship. This can often be characterized by a rush of excitement and tons of attraction. To get technical, this stage is primarily driven by a surge of chemicals in the brain—such as dopamine and norepinephrine—which create feelings of heightened energy and anticipation. It’s also the time, as DeAlto noted when people’s flaws can seem invisible to their new partners.

On the other hand, being in love is much deeper. In this stage, couples will have a sense of comfort, security, and mutual respect. To bring it back to the brain, the chemistry shifts, with hormones like oxytocin and vasopressin promoting bonding and attachment hormones. This phase involves building a life together, facing challenges, and developing a deeper understanding of each other. The relationship becomes grounded in companionship and long-term commitment.

What is the difference between being in love and loving someone?

Just as there’s a difference between being in love and falling in love, the same is true when it comes to being in love and loving someone. “Being in love usually refers to intimate relationships,” explains Gabriela Reyes, LMFT and resident relationship expert for Match Group’s Chispa App for Latine Singles. “You can love your parents, your siblings, your friend, your dog, your hairdresser, and your plants. Being in love with someone is usually reserved for romantic relationships.”

“True love feels like a deep sense of connection and understanding.” —Rachel DeAlto, relationship expert

Essentially, the difference between being in love and loving someone lies in the emotional intensity and depth of commitment. Being in love is characterized by excitement and passion. (Some people even have anxiety when falling in love since it can be such a rush.) And, this can happen with one person, or in some cases, people can be in love with multiple people at once. In contrast, loving someone is a deeper, longer-lasting form of connection. This goes beyond the initial thrill and involves a true commitment to one another. (If this is still confusing, think of being in love as being in a singular state of love variable to change, while loving someone is more of an enduring state.)

Additionally, when it comes to saying those three special words, some people wonder how soon is too soon to say “I love you”. Well, the answer varies from relationship to relationship. For some, it might be after just a few dates, whereas for others, it could take months. What’s more, people also wonder what the differences are between someone saying “I love you” versus saying “I’m in love with you.” According to Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT and professional clinical counselor, saying “‘I’m in love with you’ is about that romantic passion and deep, intense connection. ‘I love you’ is about trust, safety, and acceptance. ‘I love you’ and ‘I’m in love with you’ is the best of both worlds—a powerful, lasting relationship that’s filled with both passion and commitment.”

How do you know you’re in love?

Ever wondered if you’re actually in love or if it’s just limerence (aka having a heightened crush on someone)? Here’s how to tell.

1. You feel a natural high

According to Groskopf, being in love can feel like you’re on a high. “Love triggers the release of endorphins, which are chemicals in your brain that act like natural painkillers and mood elevators,” she explains. “This is why being around your partner can make you feel so good. For example, you might find that just seeing their smile after a tough day at work can instantly lift your mood.”

2. You experience a sense of calm and safety

When you truly love someone, you’ll feel calm when you’re around them. This feeling goes beyond the excitement and passion of early romance and turns into comfort that comes from trust and emotional security. “You know you are in love when your butterflies are matched with a sense of calm and peace,” explains Laurel House, a relationship expert at eHarmony. “You feel deeply cared for and protected while simultaneously excited. The butterflies are no longer rooted in fear, nervousness, or insecurity, and you are not afraid to be judged or on your best behavior.” What makes this special is that you’ll feel like you’re able to be more vulnerable, which will deepend the relationship.

3. You really care about their happiness

When you’re in love, your partner’s happiness is extremely important to you. You might find yourself doing things to make their day better if you show love through acts of service. If you show love through words of affirmation, you might find yourself complimenting your partner and building them up. No matter how you show love, you’ll prioritize your partner’s happiness, sometimes even over your own.

4. You have a deep emotional bond

A 2020 clinical study titled “Towards a Comprehensive Theory of Love: The Quadruple Theory¹” explains love by combining four key components: passion, intimacy, commitment, and attachment. When a couple has these four things, it creates emotional bonding and security. This deep emotional connection ties people together, giving them a sense of fulfillment and peace. The best part? This bond only strengthens over time if you’re in a healthy relationship.

5. You see them in your future

When you truly love someone, you naturally see them as part of your future. You start to see them by your side in major life events, sticking with you through it all. Envisioning a life with your partner also speaks to the love and trust you have in your relationship.

6. You miss them

When you love someone, you’ll find yourself missing them when you’re not with them. This feeling of longing can strengthen your bond, which means it’s healthy to not always be with them. As the saying goes, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

7. You feel sexy

“To be in love, you must feel confident with your partner,” explains House. This confidence can come from the emotional connection you have with your partner and the way they make you feel valued and desired. Their attraction towards you can boost your self-esteem–not just in the relationship but in life overall.

8. You feel seen

When you love someone, you’ll feel like you’re seen for who you really are. This sense of being seen will allow more emotional intimacy and trust to enter the relationship, letting you be your authentic self without worrying your partner(s) will judge you. Plus, it’ll boost your self-worth, knowing that someone genuinely appreciates you.

How can you tell if someone loves you?

Through Actions and Behaviors

To tell if someone loves you, look at their actions. (As the saying goes, “Actions speak louder than words.) “Someone who loves you will often show it through their actions and behavior,” says DeAlto. “They consistently make an effort to spend time with you and prioritize your relationship. They support your goals and dreams, encouraging you to be your best self.” Essentially, genuine love is shown through consistent efforts to make you feel valued and appreciated. This could be through small, thoughtful gestures like remembering your favorite things, picking up flowers after a long day, or simply just listening when you need someone to talk to. Trust us, no act of love is ever too small.

Through Communication

Without a doubt, communication is a vital aspect of a healthy relationship. When someone loves you, they’ll be open and honest with you. “They also listen to you attentively and make an effort to understand your perspective, showing that they value and respect you,” adds DeAlto. “How they show they love you most frequently can depend on their love language, and what you communicate matters to you most.” (If you want to learn more about love languages, a study by the University of Missouri published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy in 2021 titled “Regulation of Romantic Love Feelings: Preconceptions, Strategies, and Feasibility²,” dives into the impact of attachment styles on romantic relationships. The research showed how different attachment styles can influence relationships and how love evolves over time.)

What does true love feel like?

“True love feels like a deep sense of connection and understanding,” says DeAlto. “It includes mutual respect, trust, and commitment. True love also involves a sense of security, knowing that you can rely on your partner through anything that comes.” Ultimately, true love will give you a sense of calm and certainty, where you feel accepted and understood for who you are. It involves mutual respect, trust, and a commitment to making each other happy. At its core, it’s a blend of passion, intimacy, and deep friendship.

Is it better to love someone or to be in love with them?

When thinking about whether it’s better to love someone or to be in love with them, it depends on what you’re looking for. In terms of a life partner, both pieces are important. “Being in love is that strong, magnetic pull towards your partner, where you care deeply about their happiness and want to be around them,” explains Groskopf. “Loving someone, on the other hand, is about truly knowing and accepting them—flaws and all. This kind of love is built on trust, respect, and commitment. For a lasting, fulfilling relationship, you need both the initial connection and the emotional bond. It’s what helps you stay connected even during conflict.”

Do feelings of love change over time?

Plain and simple, feelings of love can change. However, this is not a bad thing. That’s because love can grow, evolve, and strengthen over time. “In strong, healthy partnerships, love is always evolving,” says Groskopf. Each person must nurture their relationship to keep the love alive. To do this, couples must be honest with each other about how they feel about the relationship, what they want, and where they want it to go. By having honest communication, their love can really grow.

Overall, falling in love and being in love are two very different things. Falling in love is what happens in the initial phase of a romantic relationship while being in love goes beyond the initial infatuation. Similarly, loving someone means actively choosing to stay in love and take on the responsibility that come with it. While each of these phases of love may seem intimidating in their own right, Reyes points out that there are also few things quite as fulfilling. “I think one of the best things about falling in love is that it’s not definable,” says Reyes. “Falling in love can happen many times in our lives and it can feel completely different every time. It can be a slow burn that builds the more time you spend with someone, or it can be like getting hit by a bus, and suddenly you realize you’re in love. There isn’t a lot of logic attached to falling in love—that comes with staying in love.”