For some people, socialization is like a shot of espresso. Whether you’re chatting with friends over dinner, taking a week-long family vacation, or spending a few minutes outdoors with your local run club, that time spent socializing enriches and revitalizes you. For others, though, nothing is sweeter than savoring some alone time at a café or a solo day trip to the beach. If spending the day by yourself sounds like a foreign concept, we tapped experts to help you learn how to enjoy your own company and embrace your alone time. (Spoiler: it works wonders for your attitude, stress levels, and creativity.)
Experts in This Article
a professor of psychology and neuroscience and director of the Social Connection and Health Lab at Brigham Young University
an Orlando, FL-based mental health clinician and educator
an assistant professor of psychology at Middlebury College
It’s completely normal to dislike spending time by yourself. While it may not seem intuitive at first, scheduling time to enjoy your own company—to take a class, read a book, or just exist—is a crucial part of becoming a happier, more fulfilled human being. “[When you’re alone,] you have the freedom to do what you please, to pay attention to your own thoughts and feelings, and to engage in activities that feel meaningful to you,” says Virginia Thomas, PhD, an assistant professor of psychology at Middlebury College who’s studied solitude’s role in psychological well-being and identity. Of course, it’s fun to have someone to share memories with or bounce ideas off of, but spending time alone means learning more about yourself and who you want to become.
If this sounds appealing, read on for a breakdown of the benefits of being alone and how to enjoy your own company without feeling lonely.
What does enjoying your own company mean?
Put simply, enjoying your own company means experiencing positive feelings from spending time by yourself. You’re at ease and not dominated by boredom or a pressing need to be around others. “Enjoying your own company means that you’re connected to yourself when you’re alone—you’re ‘with yourself’ and not just ‘by yourself,’” says Dr. Thomas. “You are not longing for the company of others, and you’re not lonely or bored. Instead, being with yourself feels fulfilling.” This might look like going to a dance class your friends or partner wouldn’t otherwise enjoy, pursuing that passion for watercolor you’re not ready to share with other people yet, or taking time to recenter yourself using mindfulness techniques.
How can I start enjoying my own company?
Sometimes boredom or stress around your to-do list can creep in when you’re trying to enjoy your alone time, despite your best efforts. Here, experts share a few tips on how to enjoy your own company without friends, acquaintances, or family members around.
1. Set a date
When your calendar is jam-packed, you might struggle to fit in alone time, let alone enjoy it. It may feel odd to make appointments with yourself, but it might help to block out time in your calendar for some me-time the same way you would a birthday party or work meeting. “Carve out the time, put it on the calendar, and honor that solitude date with yourself,” suggests Dr. Thomas.
2. Identify obstacles
While you’re in the planning stage, identify any roadblocks that might prevent you from enjoying your own company, and how you can avoid them. “It is helpful to consider what obstacles we have that stand in the way of enjoying our own company,” says Shainna Ali, PhD, LMHC, NCC, a mental health clinician and educator based in Orlando, FL. For example, you might hire a babysitter if caregiving responsibilities make it difficult to find time for yourself. Or, if scrolling on social media usually gives you FOMO, you can make a point to set your phone aside and head to your local park with a book in hand.
3. Set your to-do list aside
The difference between enjoying your own company and guilting yourself about “doing nothing” can boil down to how you spend your allotted time. “Don’t waste it by getting lost on social media or doing things that you think you ‘should’ be doing—cleaning, working, returning a call, etc,” says Dr. Thomas. Instead, prioritize activities that enrich you and allow you to relax.
4. Try stress-reduction techniques
It’s helpful to identify what you want or need from your alone time, and stress relief is one possible aim, according to Dr. Thomas. If relaxation and stress relief are the goals, you can target your alone time to be restorative. Try a few different ways to relieve stress like taking a walk or having a mini spa day at home.
5. Start a creative project
Another reason you may set the intention of enjoying your own company is to chip away at a creative project, Dr. Thomas notes. Whether you’ve set out to write a book, build a piece of furniture, or create a mood board, you can make progress on your project while enjoying your own company.
6. Spend time in nature
To focus strictly on how to enjoy your own company at home would mean overlooking the science-backed benefits of spending time in nature. If you’ve been meaning to spend more outdoors, you can dedicate some of your alone time to getting outside. You might score health benefits in the process since spending time in green spaces is associated with perks like reduced stress and anxiety, according to a 2016 research study1.
Is it normal to not enjoy your own company?
Yes, it’s normal to find it difficult to enjoy your own company and to lose touch with pastimes that once made you love spending time alone. “It’s common to become disconnected with hobbies and interests that bring us joy in adulthood as a society may not deem them as valuable,” Dr. Ali says. “However, from a mental health perspective, taking time to practice self-care is often critical to overall well-being.” Reflect on your childhood and whether there were activities that allowed you to have fun on your own. “We can all benefit from giving ourselves permission to simply reflect on what we enjoy,” says Dr. Ali. Completing a paint-by-number or picking an instrument back up might not seem like the most productive pursuit, but it may allow you to reap the benefits of enjoying your own company.
How to be alone but not lonely
It’s important to note that some types of alone time can be detrimental to your mental health if you’re by yourself for a significant amount of time. While you may associate loneliness with alone time, they aren’t one and the same. “The former is more of a frame of mind,” says Dr. Ali. “…Someone who spends their day filled from sunrise to sunset with people can still experience loneliness. You can be in the presence of others and still feel disconnected.” On the flip side, it’s possible to spend time alone without feeling lonely. “Solitude is often defined as a state of aloneness by choice that does not involve feeling lonely,” explains Julianne Holt-Lunstad, PhD, a professor of psychology and neuroscience and director of the Social Connection and Health Lab at Brigham Young University, who researches the benefits of social connection and the risks of lacking social connection. “Unfortunately, we don’t have good evidence of a specific threshold of when being alone (even if by choice) goes from solitude—which may be restorative—to social isolation—which is harmful.”
“In solitude, we are able to restore our energy, be creative, practice self-care, express our emotions, contemplate, think through a problem, and reconnect with our authentic selves.” —Virginia Thomas, PhD, an assistant professor of psychology at Middlebury College
The researchers behind a 2023 study2 in Scientific Reports set out to identify the threshold, concluding that there’s “no evidence for a one-size-fits-all ‘optimal balance’ between solitude and social time.” One hundred seventy-eight people recorded how much time they spent alone and how they felt over 21 days, and while there was an association between spending more hours alone in a day and feeling lonely, this pattern didn’t apply among people who partook in solitude by choice. (All the more reason to engage in alone time in moderation and make a point to form meaningful connections.) “There is evidence of the harms associated with isolation, even if one doesn’t feel lonely,” says Dr. Holt-Lunstad. “That doesn’t mean we can’t ever be alone and indeed some time alone may be restorative. But we must be very careful not to confuse [occasional alone time] with spending significant time alone on a consistent basis—even if both are by choice.”
What happens when you enjoy your own company?
When you’re experiencing positive solitude rather than social isolation, you stand to gain a range of benefits. “In solitude, we are able to restore our energy, be creative, practice self-care, express our emotions, contemplate, think through a problem, and reconnect with our authentic selves,” Dr. Thomas says. Research suggests that positive solitude can promote a peaceful mood and relaxation, a sense of autonomy and an opportunity for introspection, and that people can achieve a sense of fulfillment from practicing certain solo hobbies, according to a study3 published in the British Journal of Social Psychology in May. Taking time during solitude to reflect on your relationships and interactions may actually help you feel a greater sense of closeness in those relationships, the study authors noted.
In the absence of boredom or loneliness, alone time can be enjoyable and beneficial. It can give you the chance to unwind, work on a solo creative project, or take time for self-reflection. If something is preventing you from enjoying your own company, a mental health professional can help you find a solution. “For some, counseling can be a helpful resource to highlight and remove these blocks,” says Dr. Ali. “When we raise our awareness about the essentiality of self-care in the long run, we recognize that taking time to invest in our wellness is worthwhile.”
Roe, J. (2016, November 22). Cities, Green Space, and Mental Well-Being. Oxford Research Encyclopedia of Environmental Science. Retrieved 25 Jul. 2024, from https://oxfordre.com/environmentalscience/view/10.1093/acrefore/9780199389414.001.0001/acrefore-9780199389414-e-93.
↩︎Weinstein N, Vuorre M, Adams M, Nguyen TV. Balance between solitude and socializing: everyday solitude time both benefits and harms well-being. Sci Rep. 2023 Dec 5;13(1):21160. doi: 10.1038/s41598-023-44507-7. PMID: 38052821; PMCID: PMC10698034.
↩︎Adams M, Weinstein N. Need satisfaction in daily well-being: Both social and solitude contexts contribute to well-being. Br J Soc Psychol. 2024 May 27. doi: 10.1111/bjso.12769. Epub ahead of print. PMID: 38801220.
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