Moving in with your partner is a major milestone in a relationship. Not only does living with your partner allow for a stronger sense of intimacy, but it can also be a lot of fun. Waking up next to your partner every morning, enjoying every meal together, cuddling up on the couch—it can truly feel like a dream come true for many couples. In fact, according to a 2015 study published by the American Psychological Association, living with your partner can be nearly as beneficial to your mental health as marriage, in some cases. That said, life happens, and some live-in relationships come to an end (sometimes suddenly). Breaking up with a partner can be difficult enough, but if you’re wondering how to break up with someone you live with, it may seem impossible at first.
Experts in This Article
Jessica Gordon, LMSW is a licensed therapist in New York who specializes in anxiety, stress, and relationship issues with young adults.
Yes, breaking up with a partner you live with can be extra challenging, especially because there’s the added stress of deciding who gets to keep your shared space and who has to pack their bags. After all, how do you say goodbye to the person you loved and the space you called your home all at the same time? It’s natural to feel some indecision about ending a relationship with someone you see every single day, particularly if other major aspects of your life and living situation are tied to your relationship. According to experts, though, breaking up with someone you live with may seem hard, but it’s not impossible.
Once you’ve done some mental preparation and acknowledged that, as unpleasant as it is, it has to be done, ripping off the Band-Aid becomes a lot easier. Ahead, experts share key insights on how to break up with someone you live with as smoothly, and as healthily, as possible, as well as how to rebuild your life in the aftermath, and how to protect your peace while you navigate all of the above.
How to break up with someone you live with
The truth is, there’s really no official “right” way to break up with someone you live with, just like there’s no “right” way to break up with someone in general. However, there are steps you can take before, during, and after a breakup to ensure that you and your partner(s) get through this time as smoothly as possible. Well+Good developed a breakup script that you can follow if need be. We also spoke with Jessica Gordon, LMSW, to develop a quick list of steps to follow if you’re wondering exactly how to break up with someone you live with:
1. Take it one step at a time
It’s important to go at your own pace when it comes to changes in your relationship—positive or negative. A 2017 study published by PubMed1 reported that adults in their mid-twenties are less likely to internalize a breakup if they understand why the breakup is happening. In other words, if you and your partner(s) both truly understand the reasons behind your separation, then you’re less likely to blame yourselves. This can allow you to heal from the breakup while assuring it doesn’t rock your self-esteem.
2. Balance honesty and compassion
Yes, honesty and open communication are hugely important in all phases of relationships, but honesty should always be communicated with as much compassion and grace as possible. “Have an honest conversation where you explain how you are feeling and hear the other person out as well,” says Gordon. She also recommends that you “try to be as considerate and understanding as possible.”
3. Use “I” statements
Whenever you’re having a more difficult conversation, using “I” statements will minimize the possibility of eliciting feelings of guilt and shame from the other person, resulting in a calmer, more manageable discussion. This can also make the recipient more likely to truly hear what you’re saying, rather than hopping on the defense right away. These “I” statements should always come from the heart and be directly related to your specific circumstances, but some examples can look like saying, “I’ve been feeling unheard in our relationship,” or “I need some space to identify how I truly feel.”
4. Respond, don’t react
It can be natural to react out of anger or sadness when hearing tough news, especially if it’s sudden. These emotions are completely valid—especially when going through a major lifestyle change like a breakup. That said, do your best to pause and process the information you’re receiving before responding. It’s okay to pause the conversation or take space to fully process your emotions, as long as your partner(s) are on the same page.
How do you know when to break up when you live together?
There’s no hard and fast rule as to when it’s time to break up. Not to mention, a small level of uncertainty is common in healthy, stable relationships, as well. Some breakups are nobody’s fault, and we live in a world where it’s impossible to be 100 percent sure about anything, which is why situations like breakups can be so tough. That said, Gordon shared a few key signs in a relationship that may signal it’s time for a breakup:
Feeling undervalued
It’s natural for any of us to get preoccupied with our stress and not show up for our partner(s) in the same way that we normally would. But if you’re consistently feeling undervalued, you’ve communicated this to your loved one(s), and they don’t seem to be making an active effort to change, then it may be time to move on. If you’re still unsure whether it’s time to break up, it could be helpful for you and your partner(s) to discuss your current values and whether they align.
Feeling alone
Your partner(s) should be a partner in all forms of the word, o you should be able to feel their support even when they’re not physically there. If you find that that’s not the case, and you’ve already explored solutions to undo this loneliness to no avail, then it could be a sign that the relationship has reached a natural conclusion. If you’ve only recently begun feeling this loneliness, it could be helpful to schedule date nights with fun activities, or intentional time spent with each other that’s dedicated to strengthening your connection.
Apathy or hopelessness
When a relationship first begins to go south, there’s usually at least some motivation to save it. Options like couples therapy or spending more time together may even feel accessible and achievable at first. If you feel that hope dwindling, though, and it’s starting to feel more like an obligation than a genuine want or need to spend time with one another, then that’s worth communicating to your partner(s). Truly wanting to be in a relationship is an important element in keeping that spark alive.
How to detach from a partner you live with
The short answer is that, unfortunately, you can’t detach from anyone you’re close to overnight. Remember that both healing and detachment take time, and it’s perfectly natural to feel uncomfortable or upset following a breakup. It’s also important to keep in mind that you can’t force a detachment—suppressing feelings of missing your partner is a common instinct, but it will only make these feelings bubble up more intensely in the future.
“Many people learn a lot of new things about their partner by living with them. Some people become even closer but this does lead to people learning they are not compatible. It can be a make or break time for a relationship.” —Jessica Gordon, LMSW
Gordon recommends catering this process to you and your partner’s specific needs and attachment styles. For example, if you have an avoidant attachment style, and your partner has an anxious attachment style, you may crave space after a breakup, while they may want to stay in contact. For this reason, it’s important to communicate clearly about what boundaries you’d like to set. If you want to go full no contact, but they want to check in frequently, you may have to settle on a compromise that acknowledges all of your needs.
That said, breakups don’t occur in a vacuum. You and your partner(s) are growing, dynamic people who have permission to change your needs and boundaries as the breakup evolves. As long as this is communicated clearly and consented to by everyone, there’s no harm in adjusting your post-breakup communication style. If a partner asks for space to process the breakup, though, it’s typically best to honor that request and let them reach out when (and if) they’re ready.
How many couples break up after living together?
In short: it’s hard to say. A 2023 study from the Institute for Family Studies2 found that 34 percent of studied couples who lived together before getting married ended their relationships. The research on breakups among couples that live together, however, is fairly limited. While it’s tempting to read up on all the possible information about former couples who lived together, it can also be useful to isolate your own experience with your partner(s) and avoid—to the best of your ability—comparing your personal experiences to others’.
“Many people learn a lot of new things about their partner by living with them,” says Gordon. “Some people become even closer but this does lead to people learning they are not compatible. It can be a make or break time for a relationship.” In other words, your lived experience with your partner(s) may be entirely different from a friend, a family member, or a couple that you read about online. When deciding if you’d like to break up, and how you’d like to break up, try your best to make this decision based entirely on what’s best for you and your partner(s).
Should I move out after break up?
Gordon says that if it’s financially feasible to move out after a breakup, then you absolutely should. It’s important to ensure that everyone involved has their needs met. If that’s not the case, then Gordon recommends physically separating as soon as possible. That said, everyone’s situation is different. It may make sense for you and your partner(s) to continue living close to each other for the sake of children or pets, or until one of you is more financially stable and has the means to move out. If you can’t feasibly move out immediately after a breakup, then try your best to adjust the space or your schedule based on your and your ex’s needs. For example, if you both work from home, try working from separate coffee shops or alternating office days.
Of course, this is all easier said than done, though, and you know your relationship better than anyone else. If you feel misguided or unsure of how to navigate this time, speaking to a mental health professional or therapist could be a useful step toward making sense of your needs. As difficult as it may seem, breaking up with someone you live with is not impossible, and chances are you’ll both be grateful you took the necessary steps to move forward.
- ↩︎Mernitz, S. E., & Kamp Dush, C. (2016). Emotional health across the transition to first and second unions among emerging adults. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(2), 233–244. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000159
- Kansky, Jessica, and Joseph P Allen. “Making Sense and Moving On: The Potential for Individual and Interpersonal Growth Following Emerging Adult Breakups.” Emerging adulthood (Print) vol. 6,3 (2018): 172-190. doi:10.1177/2167696817711766↩︎
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“Executive Summary | What’s the Plan? Cohabitation, Engagement, and Divorce 2023 | Institute for Family Studies.” Ifstudies.org, ifstudies.org/reports/whats-the-plan-cohabitation/2023/executive-summary.
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