If you’ve navigated a breakup, attended a funeral, or made it through The Notebook without so much as shedding a single tear, rest assured: you’re not a heartless monster (no matter what Cameron Diaz’s character in The Holiday or your bitter ex might lead you to believe). Still, if you find yourself chronically unable to feel the sweet, emotional release of hot tears on your cheeks, you might be wondering: Why can’t I cry?

For starters, we repeat: “Not being able to cry doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person or that there’s something terribly psychologically wrong with you,” says Ashley Zucker, MD, a psychiatrist at Kaiser Permanente in Southern California. Still, crying is healthy and can express a broad spectrum of emotions, from sadness and joy to laughter and pain. Not to mention, it can feel incredibly cathartic, helping you overcome strong emotions or get them off your chest. So, if crying is so great, why do some people have so much trouble doing it? There are, actually, a lot of reasons you might not be able to cry, and they range from the mundane (dehydration) or medical (hormone imbalances) to emotionally significant (a history of trauma). Here’s what you need to know, according to experts.

Why can’t I cry?

Many different factors impact how often or easily someone cries, including age, biological sex, personality, mental health diagnoses or symptoms, chronic stress, quality of sleep, pain, hormones, and social-cultural factors—like being in situations where crying is acceptable and supported—says Lauren Bylsma, PhD, an associate professor of psychiatry and psychology at the University of Pittsburgh who’s done extensive research on crying. That means there are a host of reasons you might not be able to cry. They’re categorized into two overarching groups: medical reasons, where something is often physiologically interfering with your body’s tear production, and non-medical (read: emotional) reasons.

Medical reasons

There are three different types of tears: basal tears (tears that keep your eyes moisturized), irritant tears (which help clear out things that are bothering your eyes, like dust or an eyelash), and emotional tears (the ones that come with an emotional meltdown or heartbreak), explains Dr. Zucker. Medical reasons for being unable to cry are more likely to affect all three types of tears—not just the emotional ones.

Any of the below medical conditions or issues could be responsible for someone not being able to cry. If you’re worried that you can’t cry for any of these reasons, consult with a doctor, says Monica Amorosi, CCTP, NCC, LMHC, a licensed psychotherapist at Clarity Therapy in New York City.

• Dry eye syndrome, which can occur as a result of some of the factors below
• Tear duct abnormalities
• Dehydration
• Sjögren’s syndrome, an autoimmune disease that affects glands producing and controlling moisture in your body
• Hormonal changes, including those associated with menopause or pregnancy, low levels of prolactin (a hormone involved in tear production), or too much testosterone (which inhibits tear production)
• Certain medications, including selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), antihistamines, decongestants, blood pressure medications, and acne medications
• Botox and other cosmetic procedures
• LASIK or contact lens use

Non-medical/emotional reasons

When there’s no medical reason behind someone’s inability to cry, there’s usually a behavioral, psychological, or cognitive block that prevents them from doing so, Amorosi says. This can be more challenging and nuanced to suss out, but a therapist or mental health professional can help. To get you started, though, read below for an idea of what deeper emotional reasons might be behind an inability to cry.

Learned shame around emotions or crying

People who’ve been taught to feel shame about having emotions or who learned that crying is “bad” or “weak” might learn to suppress their tears by holding them in or numbing their emotions, Amorosi says. “This suppression sticks into adulthood, meaning they might feel their emotions as duller or more diluted, and they may hold in their tears as a reflex.” Chronic suppression of tears over time can make it hard to cry, Bylsma agrees. “This may be more common in someone who experienced early trauma or abuse or caregivers who invalidated or reprimanded emotional expression,” she says. But the little messages you hear from parents or popular culture can also add up, like being told “big girls don’t cry” or learning you always have to say you’re fine even when you’re not.

“Sometimes with really difficult or intense emotions, we start to have this emotional blunting or numbing where we’re blocking ourselves from being able to feel things.” —Ashley Zucker, MD

“Social expectations can really hinder crying for certain populations,” Amorosi says. Notably, men cry less than women, and though this finding is consistent across research¹ in 35 different countries, Western cultures have a more pronounced gender difference in crying frequency. “In a more masculine-driven culture, boys may be taught that it isn’t ‘manly’ to cry, so they learn to suppress their tears—and may even learn to suppress, avoid, or ignore their emotions altogether,” Amorosi says. “This can interrupt their ability to take care of themselves or connect with others.” It can also make crying less satisfying. In her research², Bylsma has found that crying episodes that included the suppression of crying or shame from crying were less likely to be cathartic.

A trauma history

If you experienced some sort of trauma associated with crying in the past, you may be more likely to suppress your tears, Dr. Zucker says. For example, maybe you had an experience where you were bullied for crying or crying actually led to further trauma or abuse. “That could certainly lead to somebody suppressing their crying as a safety response to a past experience,” she says.

Even if you didn’t experience trauma around crying, specifically, the lasting impact of any emotional trauma (that is, any deeply distressing or disturbing experience) may have left you with unhealthy coping skills, including a tendency to ice out your feelings. “Sometimes with really difficult or intense emotions, we start to have this emotional blunting or numbing where we’re blocking ourselves from being able to feel things,” Dr. Zucker says. “That mental health response to the trauma can prevent us from being able to cry if we’re suppressing our emotions because of it.”

Unsupportive relationships

“People who haven’t had safe, loving relationships may also try to suppress their tears,” Amorosi says. (This could relate to relationships with parental or authority figures, peers, or romantic partners.) One of the main functions of crying is to be a sort of social signal that someone needs help or support, Bylsma says. If, in previous relationships, your crying was not met with compassion and care, you may not have built a healthy behavioral relationship to crying, Amorosi explains.

Emotional disconnect

The ability to be aware of, understand, and manage our emotions (aka emotional intelligence) is a skill many of us don’t learn growing up. “People who have a disrupted relationship with their emotions may struggle to cry as well,” Amorosi says. “If someone doesn’t know what they’re feeling, why they’re feeling it, how the feeling got triggered, then it’s likely that they may also not know how to soothe or express the feeling.” Other people may dissociate when they have “big” feelings or are generally emotionally avoidant. All of these versions of emotional disconnect can make crying harder to access, Amorosi says.

Mood disorders or the medications used to treat them

Certain mood disorders can lead to emotional numbing, which may keep someone from being able to cry. “For example, with depression³, we often think people who are depressed are sad and probably cry a lot, but sometimes people who are depressed actually feel that they can’t cry or that they lack emotions,” Dr. Zucker says. “They can be very apathetic and don’t feel much about anything.” Some medications used to treat mood disorders can have the same effect. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)⁴, which are used to treat depression, anxiety, and some other conditions, can have a side effect of blunting or numbing someone’s emotions, Dr. Zucker says. “People may not feel as depressed or as anxious, but sometimes they’ll describe that they just can’t feel anything.”

Is crying necessary?

Babies cry to alert their caretakers that they need something. With adults, its purpose is less vital, but there is a purpose nonetheless.

Crying tends to happen at the peak of our emotional state, Dr. Zucker says, offering a sort of come-down from whatever intense emotions we’re feeling. “It seems that⁵ our sympathetic activity (fight or flight response) increases just up to the peak of crying. And, after crying onset, the parasympathetic system activity increases (rest or digest system—helps to return to homeostasis) while sympathetic activity begins to return to baseline,” Bylsma says. We don’t know if crying is the catalyst for this change or just a marker of the process, but the result is that many people tend to feel much better after they’ve cried.

“There are physical and emotional benefits to crying, and suppressing this behavior (intentionally or unintentionally) can put you at risk of not being as healthy as you could be.” —Monica Amorosi, CCTP, NCC, LMHC

There are quite a few other benefits to crying, including calming our emotions, reducing our distress, and connecting us to others. “There’s some evidence that suggests tears contain some stress hormones and that there’s a release of endorphins when we cry as well as a hormone called oxytocin,” Dr. Zucker says. Oxytocin can help improve your mood, while the endorphins act as natural painkillers, Amorosi says. “Crying may also have a cognitive-emotional function to help the person focus on the reasons for crying and emotionally process this and reach a new understanding,” Bylsma says.

All of this speaks to the benefits of crying, the biggest of which is the experience of emotional release. But is it necessary? “Not crying is not a danger—as in, it isn’t likely going to be catastrophic if you never learn to cry,” Amorosi says. “But there are physical and emotional benefits to crying, and suppressing this behavior (intentionally or unintentionally) can put you at risk of not being as healthy as you could be.”

Is not being able to cry a trauma response?

Not being able to cry can be a trauma response, but it isn’t always one. People who’ve experienced trauma, in general, or trauma around crying may have learned to suppress their tears or emotions as a way to keep themselves safe, Dr. Zucker says. Reading more about the signs of emotional trauma or talking to a therapist can help you figure out if your lack of tears might be a trauma response.

Is it unhealthy to not cry for years?

There’s nothing unhealthy about not crying if you just haven’t felt the need to. (Maybe your life has been peachy, and Taylor Swift’s songs just aren’t hitting you like they used to.) But if you’re not crying because you’re suppressing, avoiding, or ignoring your emotions, that’s where the term “unhealthy” may apply. “Avoiding your emotions over time can build up and really have an impact on our well-being,” Dr. Zucker says.

Ways to cry

You *do not* need to force yourself to cry, Dr. Zucker emphasizes. If you’d like to pry open the floodgates, however, these steps may help you re-learn to allow yourself to cry.

1. 1.
   Reflect on why crying is hard for you. Amorosi poses these questions: “Is it uncomfortable to be vulnerable? Do I judge myself for having feelings? Do I worry others will judge me for having feelings? Do I understand my feelings? Do I understand how to soothe myself?” Thinking through and addressing these questions can help you better understand your relationship to crying and what might be happening underneath the surface.

1. 1.
   Find a safe space. All three experts recommend ensuring you’re in a private, safe space during and after a cry. This can also include finding a safe person to talk to about your feelings and cry in front of. “After someone learns to reconnect with their tears, they will need to feel comfortable sharing this practice with a loving connection, whether friends, family, romantic partners, or a therapist,” Amorosi says.

1. 1.
   Learn to experience your emotions fully. Consider this an exercise in emotional awareness and regulation. Amorosi recommends asking yourself: “Can I feel it in my body? Do I know what triggered this feeling? Do I understand why I am having this feeling?” Remember that crying can be a response to any strong emotion, not just sadness. You can anxiety cry, angry cry, or even cry of happiness.

1. 1.
   Expose yourself to things that make you feel. In your journey of relearning to cry, it’s essential to feel and acknowledge your feelings—but that doesn’t mean you have to sit in the dark with your thoughts and a tissue box. “Sometimes what helps is when we take the pressure off ourselves so the crying isn’t about us,” Dr. Zucker says. You can do that by intentionally watching a sad movie or TV show or listening to sad music, for example. “When we take that pressure off of ourselves and what we’re feeling, but utilize the experience of feeling it through a movie, that can make you feel a little bit safer and make crying a little bit easier.” For other people, engaging in activities like journaling, exercising, or going for a walk might help with emotional release, too, Dr. Zucker says.

1. 1.
   Practice releasing the emotions. “Practice letting the emotion come into your body and come up to your eyes,” Amorosi says. Let the tears build naturally and fight the urge to hold them in. Finally, “practice reacting to your own crying with acceptance, and not shame or judgment,” she says.

When to seek therapy

Anyone having trouble with emotional regulation can benefit from therapy. If you identify with any of the below, however, you may particularly benefit from therapy, according to Amorosi.

• If you believe your inability to cry may be related to trauma or abuse, or you were punished or harmed for having or expressing emotions in the past
• If you believe your inability to cry may be related to social pressures around who is “allowed” to cry, or what it “means” to cry
• If you believe your inability to cry may be related to emotional numbness or disconnect
• If you believe your inability to cry may be related to a mental health condition like PTSD or depression
• If you believe your inability to cry is impacting your ability to have healthy, close relationships

Though there are many different ways to make yourself cry, don’t force it. Some people cry and others don’t. If you truly want to learn how to cry, you can try listening to sad music, watching a sad movie, or talking to someone about your feelings, Dr. Zucker says, but not crying isn’t the end of the world. As long as you feel safe and allow yourself to fully experience—and process—your emotions, chances are you’re doing just fine.