I Have a Higher Libido Than My Partner—How Can I Be Both Supportive and Satisfied?

When you consider all the other compatibilities that go into making a healthy relationship work, it’s really not the end-all-be-all of things if you and your partner have mismatched libidos. After all, sex is much more than just penetration, and emotional intimacy can bring couples even closer together than physical acts can many times. However, it’s totally normal to wonder to yourself “why is my libido so high” — especially if your partner seems to have a lower libido than you do.

However, while pop culture might show couples as two equally horned-up individuals, many times that just isn’t the case. The truth is, though, that libido fluctuates every day, and the chances that one’s libido will always match the level of their partner is quite slim. In fact, one of the most common issues couples face in relationships is mismatched libidos. Often, partners adapt to this reality and find a balance that works for them. Other times, though, mismatched libidos can snowball into bigger issues full of frustration, guilt, and resentment.

“High sex drive is not necessarily a bad thing,” says licensed therapist Jillian Amodio, LMSW, adding that “if partners have different sex drives, it is important to honor both people’s needs, wants, and desires. Finding compromises and finding ways to meaningfully connect outside of sex is imperative in all healthy relationships.”

“High sex drive is not necessarily a bad thing.” —Jillian Amodio, LMSW

We spoke to the experts for the tea on exactly why your libido might be higher than your partner’s—and how to be supportive in a way that still makes you feel seen and appreciated.

What is libido?

“Libido refers to the drive and need for sexual activity,” explains Vicki Lyons, sexual wellness expert and chief editor at Bodyjoys.”Everyone’s libido differs and can change over time due to hormones, emotional states or age,” Lyons explains, adding that “It’s totally normal to have a different libido to your partner, but it’s important to manage their expectations if that’s the case.”

Libido isn’t a static thing and can change several times throughout the day, year, or chapter of life you’re in. In fact, there’s a ton out there on how libido changes as you age, how libido changes by season, and even whether or not sex drive is real (or as real as we’ve been taught to believe).

Why is my libido so high? Causes for high sex drive

Potential causes for a high libido could be hormonal imbalances, Lyons explains. “For example, many women feel an increased libido if they’re pregnant.” On the flip: hormone issues could also be why someone has a lower libido, Lyons explains, such as if they’re taking birth control.

Other possible reasons for higher libido can also include stress—yes, really. Lyons adds that “sexual desire can also build in times of stress, [as] the body’s natural way of trying to relieve some of the adrenaline.”

Why is my partner’s libido so low? Causes for lower sex drive

Lyons adds that beyond hormone issues, anxiety or depression can often be behind lower libido, as “the mental focus has shifted and the happy hormones are no longer seen by the brain as a quick-fix recovery mechanism.”

Amodio also adds that age can reduce sex drive, so if you or your partner are in your golden years, know that it is totally normal to feel less libido than you may have had in your youth.

How to decrease your sex drive when high libido is causing problems

If you find that you have a higher libido than your partner and you’d like to “decrease” your libido in a healthy way, Lyons suggests removing stimulants from your diet, “such as caffeine, or practicing mentally stimulating exercises such as yoga or even taking up meditation.” Doing so may be able to help relax your mind and remove stress “without defaulting to sex to fix the issue,” Lyons adds.

Tips for how to support your partner if they have a lower libido than you

Here, sexologist Rebecca Alvarez Story, founder of Bloomi, explains how to support your partner when they have a lower libido than you.

1. Consider their stressors

Before you can begin addressing intimacy concerns, take inventory of what is going on in your partner’s life. The partner with the lower sex drive may be contending with a combination of libido-compromising stressors. Some of these lifestyle or health factors may include high stress, medications, chronic health issues, work demands, mental illness, family responsibilities, financial strain, or lack of sleep.

Now, what can you do about it? Well, if you know, for instance, that your partner is stressed, consider how you might be able to help them to feel better. Communicate that your intention is always to help them feel good in order to show that you’re not just trying to address your own sexual desires. Simple acts of support—like offering to cook breakfast for the week, taking a walk together at lunch or allowing them to sleep in on the weekend—can help revitalize their overall mood.

If your partner is going through a change that is more permanent than a period of stress, consider building support into your daily routine. Depending on the severity of the issue, you’ll want to pace yourself and be consistent in your support in a way that feels manageable to you.

2. Rate your sex drives

One easy way to begin healthy sexual communication on this topic is for each person in the relationship to rate their sex drive from one to 10 and explain their ranking. For the partner with the higher drive, make sure you actively listen to why your partner describes the number they share. Regardless of whether your numbers are very different or not too far from each other, use this exercise as an opportunity to empathize with your partner and try to understand their perspective.

3. Expand your definition of sex

Consider this an invitation to unlearn bad sex ed, including unhealthy myths that sex (only) means penetration and that orgasm is always the end goal. Now is a good time to expand your definition and expectations of what diverse pleasure can mean. One idea: have your partner write down 10 intimate activities that they enjoy doing with their partner and 10 intimate things they’d like to try. Share the lists with one another and allow it to be the starting ground for an expanded list of acts all parties can enjoy together.

4. Try breathwork together

A few moments before bed, or when you both have downtime together, face one another and take deep breaths together. Unwinding together can help you both feel at ease next to each other. Gently reminding your partner with a lower libido to connect in breath with you allows you both to feel more synced.

5. Don’t forget you-time

While you are working on intimacy in your relationship, do not forget to build intimacy with yourself. Ideas that a partner should “fulfill you” or that they must be your sole source of pleasure aren’t healthy and put too much pressure on one person. You should be a primary part of your pleasure equation and spend time exploring and enjoying your body alone, regardless of your relationship status. Some ideas to bring more pleasure to your life can include full-body massages in the shower, a lunchtime masturbation session or a date night alone in your room with aromatherapy, music, and your favorite toys.

6. Plan throwback dates

Sometimes, the easiest solution for couples struggling with mismatched libidos is to go back to the basics. Many couples get stuck in a routine and don’t plan out date nights together the way they may have early on in the relationship. There’s no need to reinvent the wheel here, either. Instead, book consistent date nights and hit up old spots you used to enjoy together. Having dedicated time to look forward to helps build desire before the dates; meanwhile, spending quality time together on the dates helps you reconnect more intimately.

7. Work with a professional

It can be scary navigating intimacy concerns with your partner. Whether you are new to the relationship or are in a committed, long-term partnership, working with a professional can be a source of comfort. Sex therapists, sexologists, and intimacy experts are trained to help you talk about difficult topics and guide you on how to reach your goals together. There may also be instances where the best option for the relationship may not be one you have been open to before. Consider working with an expert if you want professional support navigating mismatched libidos.