14 Steps to Finding Yourself—Because Self-Discovery Doesn’t Have to Be Complicated

“Living an authentic life means aligning what you do with what you believe,” explains Ann Herman, a psychotherapist and women’s mental health specialist. “This journey is unique for everyone. For some, it may take months; for others, it could span years or even a lifetime.” This journey could entail building self-confidence, building relationships, diving deeper into creative pursuits, or any number of actions that help you work toward a better understanding of who you are and what you’re searching for in life. Sure, that sounds much easier said than done, but chances are you’ve already kicked off your journey without even realizing it.

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Ahead, five mental health experts lead us on the path to finding ourselves, and in turn, helping us live more authentic and compassionate lives.

What does it mean to find myself?

Finding yourself is a concept that has been explored throughout all of human history. Just ask Shakespeare, who said it best in Hamlet when he wrote, “This above all: To thine own self be true.” In other words, be true to who you are and what you’re after, no matter what anyone else thinks. Of course, who we are is shaped by multiple factors, including the people around us and the environment we grew up in, so “being yourself” isn’t exactly as straightforward as it sounds.

It’s common to feel like your actions don’t always align with the way you feel inside—but that doesn’t mean you should continue living a life that doesn’t feel 100 percent you. To determine how in touch you are with your true, authentic self, licensed professional clinical counselor Kellie Murry suggests first asking yourself one question: “Are you living within your values?”

“Living authentically means that you know who you are and you know your values." —Kellie Murry, licensed professional clinical counselor

If honesty is important to you, but you find yourself bending the truth when your parents ask if you got a tattoo, you aren’t living within your values, she explains. If you often sacrifice your boundaries to help others because you’re afraid of saying “no,” you’re living outside of your values, too. While you’ve probably been telling yourself that you’re putting others’ needs first because you’re so generous and selfless, that might be an outdated story that’s standing in the way of your next chapter of personal growth.

“Living authentically means that you know who you are and you know your values, and you let those things instruct your decisions,” Murry says. Finding yourself will help you begin to close the gap between your true inner self and the external self you project to the rest of the world.

What are the symptoms of being lost?

If you’ve lost touch with your true self, the effects can sometimes be subtle, says Jennifer Chain, Ph.D., licensed psychologist and owner of Thrive for the People. “You might feel jealous of other people who are living the life you want,” she explains. “You might judge others for their audacity or authenticity.” For example, if you’d always wanted to be a musician as a kid but your parents disapproved, you might be extra critical of a friend who decides to start playing the guitar on a whim in adulthood.

“You might also feel a sense of restlessness, low motivation, irritability, or resentment,” Dr. Chain continues. “You might feel ashamed of your authentic self and therefore become critical and harsh with yourself.” Your inner critic might become the voice you think is your true self, and it might tell you that if you show people who you really are, everyone in your life will reject you. But by shutting down your true desires, your own happiness and sense of self-worth suffers. In 2003 study, academic psychologist Kristin Neff found that people who were able to feel compassion for themselves and their true feelings had lower instances of depression and anxiety, higher self-esteem, and, overall, more satisfaction with their lives.

So, finding yourself is a win-win. But how, exactly, do we start? How long does the process take? And how do you know you're on the right track to finding yourself?

How do I begin to find myself?

1. Finding yourself: Start small

“Authenticity is like a muscle,” says Dr. Chain. Skills like courage, confidence, risk-taking, and assertiveness will become easier the more you practice them, but it won’t happen overnight, she explains. First, focus on trying one small step each day that pushes you out of your comfort zone. Soon, you’ll feel confident making larger decisions and taking bigger risks.

2. Finding yourself: Check in with yourself

Every day, spend ten minutes quietly sitting with yourself, Dr. Chain advises. Or, if you’re not the type to just sit and think, try journaling, drawing, or a walking self-reflection, where you ruminate while taking a stroll in nature. Get used to asking yourself how you’re really feeling, and allowing yourself the time and space to answer honestly, without judgment.

3. Finding yourself: Surround yourself with support

Close your eyes and think of three people in your life who bring out the best in you. They’re your cheerleaders, through good times and bad, and they would never judge or criticize you for being you. Prioritize spending time with these people, suggests Herman. And if you don’t have anyone in your life who makes you feel this way, try to connect with more people who do. Take an art class, join a running club, or just go to a coffee shop and strike up a conversation with the person at the table next to you. You never know where you might find a kindred spirit.

4. Finding yourself: Learn what you seek and what you avoid

Develop your self-awareness by digging a little deeper, recommends Dr. Yasmine Saad, senior licensed clinical psychologist at Madison Park Psychological Services. If your mother asks to stay with you for two weeks and you immediately say “yes” even though you’re having second thoughts, take a step back and ask yourself two questions: “What am I hoping for, by doing or saying this?” By letting your mother stay when it’s not convenient for you, you might be afraid that setting a boundary will upset her. Next, ask yourself: “What am I attempting to prevent by doing or saying this?” You could be scared that your mom is going to get upset if you say “no,” and it might remind you of how you felt in your childhood when you were at the whim of her uncontrollable emotions.

5. Finding yourself: Be curious, not critical

If you find yourself regretting or criticizing things you do in the moment, take a step back and reframe your approach. Instead of judging your actions, ask yourself why you may have felt compelled to do or say what you did. “Why did I get so jealous when my cousin told me about her art show?” Instead of labeling jealousy as “bad” and burying your feelings, try to figure out the root cause of those emotions: “Hmm, I wonder if I’m feeling jealous because I canceled that dance class I convinced myself was a waste of time. Maybe I should sign up again…”

6. Finding yourself: Take your time before responding

If you tend to put others’ needs before your own, pay attention to how quickly you say “yes,” suggests Dr. Chain. If your boss pops by your desk to ask you to stay late on Friday to do an extra project, do you immediately agree? If so, extend the time between the request and your answer. Think carefully about whether you’re saying yes because you want to make the other person happy, or whether it really works for you and your schedule.

7. Finding yourself: Try something different

Remember the dance class? Register. Or, if you’re not ready for a weeks-long commitment, try driving a different way home from work tonight, or eating at a new restaurant. Any small change that will help get you out of your comfort zone is a step in the right direction and might teach you something about yourself that you never realized.

8. Finding yourself: Prepare to gain new friends…and lose others

As you push yourself out of your comfort zone and onto your true path, you might begin to make new friends who love the authentic you. However, this might mean losing some of the people who were used to the old, inauthentic you.

“I often prepare my clients, before they take the first action toward a more authentic life, to expect that the people around them will protest the change,” says Dr. Chain. “You have to choose to either be inauthentic or be prepared to lose relationships.” People with low self-awareness may get frustrated and think you’re pulling away from them when you try to become your true self. These people aren’t ready to connect with the real you, and that’s okay. They’re on their own journey.

9. Finding yourself: Discover what drains your energy

If you’ve ever gone out to dinner with a friend who did nothing but complain and talk about herself, you’re probably well acquainted with energy vampires. Think about what you do on a regular basis that drains you of your energy rather than restoring it. Can you limit those drama-filled phone conversations with your sister? Do you have to watch four hours of reality dating shows on your day off, or will one hour do the trick? Eliminate anything that zaps energy from your life and replace it with more energizing people and activities.

10. Finding yourself: Try therapy

“For some, therapy can be helpful in providing a safe and supportive environment to explore core values, limiting beliefs, and develop strategies to live more authentically,” Herman suggests. If you’ve never tried it before, here’s how to get started with therapy.

11. Finding yourself: List your core values

Remember those core values we talked about above? Outline the qualities you appreciate in others—like honesty, integrity, adaptability, and courage—to provide a road map for your own values and keep you on track. “This can help identify areas where you might be compromising your authenticity,” Dr. Thornton explains. Once you’re aware of your core values, it will be obvious when you’ve violated one of them. With practice, it will become second nature to follow them.

12. Finding yourself: Try deep breathing

Several of our experts recommend deep breathing exercises to stay centered throughout the day. You could try box breathing, where you breathe in and out in equal counts; lion’s breath, a type of yoga breath; or breathwork awareness, which can help you stay grounded in your body. Repeat as often as necessary to stay relaxed and focused.

13. Finding yourself: Start a meditation practice

If you don’t meditate already, now is a fantastic time to start. Nearly all of our experts recommended meditation as a wonderful way to discover your true self. (In fact, when we spoke with Dr. Chain, she was on her way to a week-long silent meditation retreat!)

14. Finding yourself: Set boundaries (and stick to them)

Some people incorrectly assume that putting others before yourself makes you a “nice” person. But if you’re compromising your own values to meet someone else’s demands, you’re actually being a people-pleaser. If you are tired on Saturday and don’t want to do anything, stick to that boundary when your friend asks you to help her move. Get used to saying, “Wow, I wish I could help, but it’s not going to work this time.”

What factors influence and shape my identity?

Sure, it’s easy to just blame it all on our parents. And attachment theory, which posits that our early bonds with our families as babies inform the way we act in relationships as adults, might have something to do with it. But there are likely even more underlying factors at play.

If you grew up in a family that had a very rigid idea of success—for instance, your parents insisted that you go to medical school and become a doctor, but you wanted to become a fashion designer—it might be difficult to break the habit of trying to impress them with your career successes, even well into adulthood. If this is your experience, your inauthentic self might be “frequently seeking compliments, often asking for advice or suggestions, needing to please others, or feeling like a failure when you don’t meet the expectations of others,” Dr. Thornton notes.

Or, if you’ve ever experienced a toxic relationship, you might have a hard time expressing how you truly feel because you’re afraid it might upset a friend or family member. Even if the threat of that relationship is long gone, trauma may make your brain think the threat is still there.

Similarly, being raised by parents who had a lack of boundaries may have taught you that your needs don’t matter as much as others do, so you’ll constantly put your feelings on the back burner to attend to someone else’s problems. “As you connect with your true self, you’ll likely feel more confident in expressing your opinions and setting boundaries,” Dr. Thornton assures us.

Signs you’re living your most authentic life

While the journey will look different for everyone, it’s always a great sign when you continue to dig deeper and discover new things about yourself, explains Dr. Saad. “It’s like a series of ah-ha moments,” she explains. “If you do not feel that you are discovering things about yourself, then you’re not getting close to your true self.”

Dr. Chain notes that while finding yourself is a healing experience, it might not feel like it at first. “You are on the right track if you feel uncomfortable, afraid, sad, and ambivalent,” she says. “These are the first stages of change and the grieving process that comes with [it]. You may feel overwhelmed and daunted by the changes ahead. You may wonder if all this will be worth it. You may question yourself and the process. Know that these feelings will subside as you make progress toward a path that is aligned with your true self.”

“You will likely notice an increased ability to identify your own emotions and needs,” Dr. Thornton notes. Deeper connections and a strong sense of purpose are also great signs, as is the general feeling of being comfortable in your own skin, she adds. As you begin to zero in on your true self, you may begin to feel you can trust yourself more, instead of relying on others' perceptions of you.

In the same 2008 study published in the Journal of Counseling Psychology, researchers found that living an authentic life was directly correlated with higher levels of self-esteem and a higher overall sense of well-being. So, if you begin feeling happier and more self-assured on a more consistent basis, congratulations! It could be a sign that you’ve awakened your true self.

How long does it take to find yourself?

A month! A week! Two days! Wouldn’t it be great if we could quantify exactly how long it would take for us to tap into our true selves? Sadly, it’s not that easy.

“The length of the journey toward authenticity depends on your readiness, how much work you have done to gain insight into yourself, how loving and kind you are with yourself, and the support system you have around you,” says Dr. Chain. Through a daily practice of meditation, journaling, self-reflection, and other steps outlined above, it will become easier and easier to see when you are being your authentic self, and when you aren’t honoring your values. Dr. Chain adds that in her own work with her clients, she’s been surprised by how quickly some people can change when a person is truly ready. “For myself, I know that becoming fully who I am will be the work of a lifetime,” she says.

Try not to get discouraged if it feels like you're not making progress as quickly as you’d like, Dr. Saad advises. “The key is to appreciate the importance of each step. We are all discovering more about our true selves every day, so the journey is as long as your life, but it doesn’t mean that it is hard work. Each step will lead to a satisfying result.”

Final thoughts on finding yourself

Finding your true self can be challenging and exhausting work, so making time for self-care is imperative. When you’re feeling emotionally drained, don’t push it. Instead, go for a long walk, take a bath, or watch your favorite comforting movie. Make time to feel all the joy and love you are cultivating. “Embrace the journey with curiosity and openness,” Herman advises. “Living authentically is not about achieving perfection, but about embracing your true self with all its imperfections.”

“I think the most important thing to remember is that we never arrive,” Murry muses. “We will never get to the place of, ‘Ahh, I’ve made it!’ Because we’re always changing and adapting to new seasons, new demands, changes in our bodies, and changes in society. But we get to keep learning about ourselves and discovering more of who we really are, which I think is pretty powerful.”