Do Introvert-Extrovert Relationships Work? 5 Dating Obstacles to Look Out For

Personality test time: When Friday night rolls around, are you the partner who prefers catching up on Love Island at home, or going out for margaritas with friends? Your answer to this (and other questions on the introvert vs. extrovert quiz) can indicate how you re-energize. If your result is the opposite of your partner’s, you may notice differences or reflect on past disagreements. For starters, introverts typically prefer to spend time alone or with a small group of close friends, while extroverts usually opt for spending time around lots of people. With these differences in mind, can introvert-extrovert relationships still work?

“Introverted and extroverted partners can absolutely make a good couple,” says Monica Cwynar, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker with Thriveworks in Pittsburgh who specializes in relationships, anxiety, and self-esteem. Basically, it comes down to each person’s willingness to talk about their unique needs and their partner’s ability to support those needs. Communication is crucial in introvert-extrovert relationships, allowing each person to navigate their different desires, like social time vs. alone time, and resolve conflicts in a way that best suits their personality type. Below, mental health experts explore what to expect from introvert-extrovert relationships and how to make the most of this relationship pairing.

Do introverts and extroverts make a good couple?

Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, LCMHC, a therapist, podcaster, and author of “Powered by ADHD: Strategies and Exercises for Women to Harness Their Untapped Gifts,” agrees with Cwynar that introverts and extroverts can “absolutely” be a good match. She explains how they balance each other out. “The extrovert can challenge the introvert and encourage them to have experiences and meet new people they may never meet, while the introvert can help the extrovert learn ways to rest, replenish, and at times, slow down.” Okay, but can introverts and extroverts live together? That’s another fair question. If an extrovert invites a group of friends over to hang out for the evening, the introvert may feel uncomfortable or unimportant. On the other hand, the extrovert may feel self-conscious inviting others over because they’re worried about upsetting the introvert, which means they can’t meet their own social needs. The key to all these situations is respecting each other’s differences and having a clear line of communication to express to your partner whether your needs are being met. Once you’ve started a dialogue about your wants and desires, you can both work together to ensure that each other’s mental, emotional, and social goals are being taken into consideration.

What to expect in an introvert-extrovert relationship

While introverts and extroverts might go together like peanut butter and jelly, introvert-extrovert relationships aren’t constantly “sweet” (no relationship is!). “Some challenges and differences may arise due to their differing personalities,” Cwynar says. Before making their relationship “group chat official,” it’s helpful to know what to expect. Below, learn about some introvert-extrovert relationship problems and introvert-extrovert relationship tips.

Socializing differences

In introvert-extrovert relationships, introverts and extroverts may feel dissimilar about going on a double date. While the extrovert may love the idea, the introvert may not have been prepared to socialize with more than one person or may need that time to be alone. “Learning [how much support] each person needs is the biggest challenge, and many introverts can find themselves stuck in social situations outside their comfort zone, while some extroverts are left disappointed that their partners do not want to come to gatherings and participate as much as they would like them to,” Dr. Kelley says. So who has to compromise and go out of their comfort zone?

As with many relationship challenges, the first step here is to communicate. “Exploring expectations and needs around socializing before being in these situations is most helpful, and can even be a discussion that starts as early as the first date,” Dr. Kelley continues. So, before anyone makes plans to go out, an introvert can share with their partner(s) how long they can reasonably be in a social situation before they run out of steam, while an extrovert can share with their partner(s) how much social time they need to feel energized. The next step is discussing what that looks like in practice. “Some couples find coming up with a code word and signal for when one or the other person is ready to go is helpful,” Dr. Kelley says. Perhaps two hand squeezes or the classic “Well, we better head out. I’ve got an early day tomorrow.”

Taking a look at your calendars and discussing upcoming events well ahead of time is another smart move. “The couple may choose to attend events separately while ensuring that the introvert (most likely not to go) does not make the extrovert feel guilty for going out on their own,” Dr. Kelley suggests. They could drive separately and leave whenever they each want, or pick events they’d prefer to attend together.

“Regardless of personality type, individuals are unique and complex and may not always fit neatly into broad categories or stereotypes.” —Monica Cwynar, LCSW

FWIW, the pair won’t *always* butt heads on this in introvert-extrovert relationships. While social exhaustion is painfully relevant for an introvert, extroverts can also get socially exhausted. Their FOMO can lead to doing The Most, which is taxing and does catch up with them eventually. Some social time is vital, though, after all and even introverts require some human interaction. A 2013 PeerJ study¹ affirmed a link between extraversion and happiness. That doesn’t mean introverts can’t be happy, though; the study mentioned people with high-quality friendships tend to be happier, and while introverts may not go out as often or make as many plans as extroverts, the relationships they do have are often high caliber and hold great value to them.

Considering the different types of introverts can also help in these siutations. For example, an anxious introvert is usually more comfortable in social settings when they know some attendees and a restrained introvert will blossom in time. Along those lines, let’s not forget that an outgoing introvert is a thing, too. These folks thrive in social settings—when they’re up for the challenge. When an extrovert knows what type of introvert their partner is, this can provide insight into what kinds of social gatherings are the best compromises.

Being “the leader” vs. “the follower”

Relationships are a two-way street, but they don’t always look the same. For example, an extrovert may typically make plans with others more often—and after a while, they may want more effort from their partner. “Some extroverts may wish their introverted partners had more energy and initiated plans more often, especially if they feel like they are always taking the lead in social activities,” Cwynar says. With that said, partners having unique preferences and energy levels is completely natural, and pigeonholing isn’t helpful. “Regardless of personality type, individuals are unique and complex and may not always fit neatly into broad categories or stereotypes,” she says. In other words, both partners can take on the “introvert” or “extrovert role” and require time socializing, as well as staying inside.

For this reason, Cwynar encourages communication filled with compassion and understanding, and addressing specific concerns as they arise in introvert-extrovert relationships (and in all relationships). “Both partners need to express their desires and expectations openly while also being willing to compromise and find a balance that works for both individuals,” she says. “Finding ways to create a balance that honors both partners’ needs and preferences is essential for a healthy and harmonious relationship.”

Alone time in the relationship

Introverts and extroverts may also define “alone time” differently. “Extroverts may want to spend ‘alone time together’ more often while introverts may need true alone time without anyone present,” Dr. Kelley says. For example, the extrovert may want to read or watch TV beside the introvert, while the introvert would rather do it in a separate room. Besides the logistical issue, this difference can bring up hurt feelings and frustration. “It is difficult for extroverts not to feel ignored, and a struggle for introverts not to feel flooded or overstimulated without the time they need alone,” Dr. Kelley continues. Just remember it’s not personal and try to establish time boundaries beforehand. “If an introvert knows they are more in need of alone time during a certain time, or length of time, it can help to share this and work it into the couple’s routine,” Dr. Kelley says. For example, an introvert may need chill time alone after a niece’s birthday party.

Of course, having that conversation and establishing boundaries can be tricky, not only in introvert-extrovert relationships but in all relationships. Dr. Kelley encourages borrowing from the DEAR MAN skill from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). DEAR MAN is an assertiveness tool that stands for describe, express, assert, reinforce, mindfully ask, appear confident, and negotiate. Dr. Kelley suggests focusing on the “reinforce” part, specifically, by encouraging the introvert to express to the extrovert that more alone time will allow them to recharge and fully enjoy the time they do spend together with the extrovert. “Perhaps the couple can find relaxing things to do together that do not demand too much energy from the introvert,” Dr. Kelley says, noting examples such as reading together, watching a movie, or going for a quiet walk.

How much they share with others

Fueled by social interaction, an extrovert probably has more opportunities to share updates with friends. As content creator Brett Neustrom shared in an Instagram reel, some of us were simply born to talk about what’s going on in our lives—the good, the bad, and the ugly! But without realizing it, they may overshare—at least in the introvert’s eyes. “Introverts may value privacy and discretion, and may feel uneasy or exposed if the extrovert shares personal details or experiences without their consent,” Cwynar says. Again, the answer is to talk about it. Yes, it’s uncomfortable, but it’s also necessary. “Both partners need to communicate openly and honestly about their boundaries, concerns, and comfort levels,” Cwynar adds.

Conflict resolution

While introvert-extrovert relationships can be incredible, each person will inevitably have to navigate conflict resolution in the relationship at one point or another. (Of course, this is the case with all relationships.) One important factor is how introverts and extroverts experience stress and relieve it. “Introverts often need time alone to process interpersonal conflict, which also pertains to their romantic relationships, while extroverts commonly need to process more in the moment and can feel distressed when their introverted partner needs to retreat or have time alone in response to a fight or issue,” Dr. Kelley says.

Though the couple can certainly work things out, it may take more communication and understanding. More specifically, Dr. Kelley urges establishing expectations ahead of time. For example, how much time does the introvert need to process alone? Can they remind the extrovert they’ll return at that point? “By doing so, you reduce the instance of someone feeling stonewalled, which can cause a great deal of harm in a relationship,” Dr. Kelley says. (ICYMI, stonewalling is when someone shuts down and completely withdraws from the conversation.)

The extrovert—or partner who wants to process together right away—can turn to a journal during that time. Dr. Kelley says they could even email or text their partner so they don’t feel frustrated by pent-up emotions, knowing they won’t get an immediate response. (Aka, they’re processing by doing their part of the communication and being patient as their partner takes time to respond.)

Why are introverts attracted to extroverts?

All of those differences and tips were probably a lot to take in! Now, let’s switch gears to the more exciting parts of dating and the psychology behind them.

So, an introvert drags themselves out of the house. Across the way, they see another person (hint: the extrovert) lighting up the room with jokes and endless chatter. The introvert feels a tingly attraction that (spoiler alert) lasts throughout the relationship. What’s behind this attraction? First, extroverts can help introverts have meaningful friendships and novel experiences by pushing them out of their comfort zones. “Extroverts can help balance them, bring them out into the world, and inspire new adventures and relationships,” Dr. Kelley explains. “There is much to be gained from being with someone who complements us.”

Think about an invitation to a water park or a huge party. It sounds super fun, but also socially draining. Bringing an extrovert can ease the latter. “Introverts may be attracted to extroverts because they can help them step out of their comfort zone and experience new things,” Cwynar says. “Extroverts can also provide a sense of excitement and energy in the relationship, which may be appealing to introverts.” Additionally, being with an extrovert can allow the introvert to, well, be an introvert (in social settings). Dr. Kelley explains they’re encouraged to spend time with others but don’t have to push themselves to be “the talker” because their partner will likely be the one keeping the conversation afloat.

How do introverts and extroverts flirt?

Introverts and extroverts have distinct approaches to not only recharging but also flirting and expressing feelings. Keep this in mind, or you may not realize someone is flirting with you! Mental health pros clarify what to look for.

First, it’s about the where and when. “The introvert may be more apt to be flirtatious when not in a large crowd, and best one-on-one or in small groups,” Dr. Kelley says. “Introverts may also take more time to warm up and become flirtatious after knowing someone.”

“Whether you’re an introvert or extrovert, you should date someone who makes you feel loved, and valued, and challenges you to be the best person you can be.” —Monica Cwynar, LCSW

With extroverts, flirting behaviors may come a lot faster or be overt. “Extroverts often feel comfortable with this form of expression sooner,” Dr. Kelley says, “and can even flirt with more than one person at a time and seem to have [a] flirtatious personality purely due to their outwardly projected energy.” How they flirt will differ, too. Cwynar adds extroverts “may use humor, physical touch, and direct compliments to show interest.” For the introvert, more indirect flirting is ideal. They “may prefer more subtle forms of flirting, such as deep conversations and meaningful gestures,” Cwynar says, noting introverts prefer getting to know someone first. (The friends-to-lovers trope in romance books and movies gives you a preview of how the relationship will come together!)

What kind of person should an introvert or extrovert date?

Now that we’ve established that introvert-extrovert relationships do work, you may wonder if you can both be introverts or extroverts. If you’re an introvert dating an introvert or an extrovert dating an extrovert, is that a yellow flag? Fortunately, it’s not that deep. Dr. Kelley says they can date “really anyone they choose” and that “there is not a limit for either type.” Cwynar says other factors—like what you want in a relationship and how the other person treats you—are more important. “Whether you’re an introvert or extrovert, you should date someone who makes you feel loved, and valued, and challenges you to be the best person you can be,” she says. Therapists share tips for introvert-introver or extrovert-extrovert couples ahead.

How to date when you’re both introverts

At the start of introvert-introvert relationships, both partners are getting comfortable and coming out of their shells. With that in mind, Cwynar suggests getting to know each other in a relaxed way. “When two introverts are in a relationship, it’s important to plan intentional time to get to know one another in a low-pressure setting,” she says, encouraging low-key and intimate dates, alone time, open communication, and bonding over shared interests.

While they need time together and alone, connecting with others is vital, too. “All people do need community as it helps to enhance our immune health, longevity, and emotional well-being,” Dr. Kelley says. A 2020 study in Frontiers in Psychology² suggests something similar, finding that introverts with more social engagement have higher self-esteem. She has suggestions on what can help the couple put themselves out there, such as committing to outings where others depend on you coming, planning only one outing a month, and adventuring “together alone.” The latter might look like a hike or day trip to the beach—basically, anything where partners are out and possibly around people, but focused on each other.

Do two extroverts make a good couple?

An extrovert-extrovert couple can also make a great match “as they may share a similar energy level and enthusiasm for socializing,” Cwynar says. “They may enjoy going out together and thrive in social settings.” This pair functions in similar ways, which can add to compatibility.

Dr. Kelley agrees, adding they need to respect each other’s energy. Many of us have been in settings where there’s two big personalities fighting for space and attention. It’s an uncomfortable power struggle, right? That’s what we’re talking about here. The fix is pretty simple, though. “It is best for these couples to take turns being the energetic leader and perhaps identify who seems to be the more externalized force in certain situations,” Dr. Kelley says. “For example, if seeing old friends of one of the two, the other extrovert can lean back a bit.”

Can an introvert and an extrovert fall in love?

While an introvert-introvert couple and an extrovert-extrovert couple have similar qualities to enjoy, those in introvert-extrovert relationships don’t need to worry that they aren’t compatible. Introvert-extrovert relationships have unique benefits. “Each partner will find themselves growing and their life expanding in beautiful ways if willing to appreciate their opposite partner as opposed to trying to change them,” Dr. Kelley says. Cwynar agrees that with a touch of work, these two can easily become smitten and be compatible long-term. With that, many good moments are to come. For example, each partner can learn from each other and grow; they can provide each other balance and support in different situations; and they can form a generally dynamic relationship that’s kept interesting and exciting due to differing perspectives and personalities.

Final thoughts

Regardless of the personalities that make up a relationship, all people involved need to work together and celebrate each other with compassion. “Partners can create a fulfilling and harmonious relationship by understanding and respecting each other’s differences, communicating openly, and finding a balance that works for both,” Cwynar says. “It is essential to embrace and celebrate the unique qualities that each partner brings to the relationship.”

While having the 411 on introverts vs. extroverts and other personality types is fun and insightful, it’s important to not focus too much on the labels—especially since they can only speak for so much of who we are. “It is not black or white and any of us can adopt some of the traits depending on the situation,” Dr. Kelley says. “It is much more about respect, curiosity, and willingness to learn from each other.”