If you’ve ever been in a romantic relationship, you’re likely no stranger to the idea that keeping a relationship healthy requires a fair share of hard work from everyone involved. Romantic partners are some of the most loving, supportive, and fulfilling people we can share our lives with, but maintaining a healthy relationship is about more than planning memorable dates and remembering anniversaries; it requires having healthy and compatible communication styles and establishing boundaries that ensure each partner’s needs—particularly their emotional needs—are being met. While this can’t always be an exact 50/50 exchange, it’s important that all partners are sharing the emotional labor throughout the course of the relationship. But what is emotional labor?

Emotional labor—or working to manage your emotions to meet another person’s needs—is not inherently bad or overwhelming. In fact, being emotionally attuned to the needs of your partner(s) can be a huge strength in relationships. If you feel that you’re carrying the weight of your loved ones’ emotions without receiving that care in return, however, then you may be carrying the brunt of the emotional labor, which can quickly become exhausting. So, how do you know if you’re carrying too much of the emotional labor in your relationships? We spoke with Leo Hirsch Massey, LMSW to identify key signs of emotional fatigue in a relationship, examples of what carrying the emotional labor in a relationship can look like, and steps you can take if you find your partner emotional dumping or receiving more care than they give. Learn how to protect your boundaries and maintain healthy relationships with your loved ones, according to experts, ahead.

What is emotional labor in relationships?

Massey defines emotional labor in relationships as “the often unseen and unacknowledged effort involved in managing both one’s own emotions and those of a partner to maintain harmony and satisfaction within the relationship.” In other words, it’s the act of balancing your own emotional needs with the emotional needs of your partner(s). In theory, this should be fairly straightforward: you support your partner(s) through their hardships, and they do the same. In practice, however, this can be exhausting, especially if your loved ones are energy vampires or if your effort goes unappreciated.

What are examples of emotional labor in relationships?

When given and received appropriately, emotional labor plays a key role in keeping relationships functional, happy, and healthy. Much like our other commitments in life—such as family and friends—the love and support we receive from our relationships makes it well worth the effort put into nurturing them. Here are some examples of what healthy, effective emotional labor distribution in relationships can look like:

1. Taking on more family responsibilities

No matter how much we may love our families, our parents, kids, and siblings can be exhausting at times. For example, taking on emotional labor might look like one partner coaxing a child out of a tantrum because the other partner doesn’t have the mental capacity to do so at the moment, says Massey. Making that dreaded call to your in-laws, cleaning up the kids’ mess after dinner, or being the contact person for school field trips are just a few ways you can show up for your partner(s) when it comes to family. It’s always important to check that the decisions you’re making for your partner(s) are in line with what they want, but this can be especially crucial when it comes to family. Before assuming responsibilities in your relationship, ask your partner(s) what would be genuinely helpful and what would create more stress.

2. Carving out time to care for each other

The small, intimate moments that make us feel loved are often a product of emotional labor in action. If you notice that your partner is feeling stressed, you could create an at-home spa day or cook them their favorite meal. Often, the longer we’re in a relationship, the easier it becomes to lose sight of those small romantic gestures. Be sure to align these with the needs of your partner(s)—the goal is to alleviate stress and show them that they’re being cared for.

3. Giving and taking space

It may seem counterintuitive, but giving your partner(s) the space to breathe and process their emotions is actually an effective use of emotional labor. It can be tempting to view needing space as a slight or personal attack, but this is usually far from the case. Anyone, in any kind of relationship, needs to take space to clear their head from time to time. Letting your partner(s) take uninterrupted, unquestioned time for themselves allows them to give you their full attention and capacity once they’re ready to do so. According to a 2021 study published in Annual Reviews¹, self-regulation—or managing your emotions on your own—is central to how we make sense of our emotions and achieve our goals. Helping our partner(s) emotionally regulate—by giving them space or demonstrating a separate act of emotional labor—can certainly be useful at times, but it’s equally useful for everyone involved to be able to take care of their needs on their own if necessary.

4. Creating moments of joy and levity

The concept of emotional labor feels heavy in nature, but it doesn’t have to be. Planning a fun activity for date night, watching a silly movie, or reminiscing on the best moments of your relationship can all be lighter, more accessible forms of emotional labor. A 2015 study published on PubMed² found that shared laughter among studied couples was associated with higher relationship quality, closeness, and social support. It goes to show that some of the best acts of emotional labor don’t feel laborious at all.

5. Showing up

Showing up, in all forms of the word, is a critical act of emotional labor in relationships. This can mean literally showing up to your partner’s events, but it can also look like being present, actively listening, and always bringing your full self into the relationship. Of course, showing up for your partner(s) requires an understanding of their needs. Whether it’s going to their best friend’s comedy show or just lending a listening ear when they need to vent, it’s important to meet the specific needs that they outline for you and establish your own boundaries to ensure that you’re not the only one putting in the work. So, it’s equally important to be honest about when you don’t have capacity to fully show up; your partner(s) are much more likely to be receptive to this if they’re aware of your needs.

Signs you’re taking on too much emotional labor in a relationship

We all know the danger that lies in too much of a good thing. As well intended as it may be, constantly meeting the needs of your partner(s) at the expense of your own can become draining, reinforce toxic dynamics, and cause resentment to build. If you suspect that you’re taking on too much emotional labor, here are some key signs to look out for:

1. Resentment or frustration

We’re all annoyed with our loved ones from time to time. But if you find yourself annoyed or frustrated more often than not, resentment is likely to be blamed. “You may find yourself wondering why your partner never does certain things,” says Massey, “or feeling like the emotional work is unevenly distributed.” The best way to tackle resentment is to communicate about it directly, using “I” statements and clearly asking for the support you need.

2. You feel taken advantage of

“There’s a sense that if you don’t do something in the relationship, it will never get done,” Massey says on the topic of feeling like your partner is taking emotional advantage of you. Communication is key here—if you’ve never expressed a need for your partner(s) to do something, then they may be genuinely unaware that this need is being unmet. If they’re actively avoiding certain tasks, or pretending to be bad at things to sidestep completing them, then weaponized incompetence may be to blame. It’s true that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, but that doesn’t mean that it’s impossible to share the load.

3. You feel emotionally exhausted

“Carrying the bulk of emotional labor for an extended period can lead to fatigue and psychological exhaustion,” says Massey. This could be the result of burnout, or it could be the result of suppressing emotions that feel unwelcome in the relationship. “You may try to hide when you’re upset about something because you feel like it could burden your partner,” Massey notes. Unwelcome emotions are often a sign that more communication is needed. If it’s safe to do so, a direct conversation with your partner(s) could be helpful in creating more space for your full emotions.

4. You’re responsible for relationship maintenance

Massey mentions that tasks like always initiating the check-in after arguments, maintaining your calendar or schedule, and planning date nights or quality time could all be signs of too much emotional labor. Responsibilities—both literal and symbolic—should fall evenly on all partners. It could be helpful to create a list of delegated responsibilities or to directly ask your partner(s) if they’d be willing to take on specific responsibilities that usually fall to you.

What is the difference between emotional intelligence and emotional labor?

“The primary difference is that emotional intelligence involves understanding and managing emotions authentically, while emotional labor involves managing emotions to meet [expectations].” —Leo Hirsch Massey, LMSW

“The primary difference [between emotional intelligence and emotional labor],” says Massey, “is that emotional intelligence involves understanding and managing emotions authentically, while emotional labor involves managing emotions to meet [expectations].” More specifically, Massey notes that emotional labor involves controlling your emotions in a way that allows you to do your job, or perform your relationship obligations, successfully, even if you are not expressing how you truly feel at your core. Emotional intelligence, however, looks like harnessing your natural, existing emotions to best understand the needs of others.

What is weaponized incompetence in relationships?

Weaponized incompetence, according to Massey, is when a partner claims to be unable to complete certain tasks, or completes those tasks poorly, in order to avoid doing them. In practice, this can look like one partner always being expected to fold the laundry, because the other partner claims that they’re bad at folding and can’t fold laundry as well as their partner can. Let’s be clear: We all have some skills that we’re better or worse at—if someone claims that they’re bad at a household task, it does not automatically mean that weaponized incompetence is to blame. Sometimes people truly lack the skills the execute a job correctly. The key thing to look out for, however, is a pattern: If you’re tasked with doing all the chores, all the time, because you’re “better” at them, then weaponized incompetence could be at play.

How to balance emotional labor in relationships

If you find that you’re carrying the emotional labor of your relationship, don’t lose hope. The good news is that, if the foundation of your relationship is love and support, then some open, direct communication can balance the scales with time. Massey offers the below tips to balance out the emotional labor in your relationships.

1. Use open communication

It’s possible that your partner(s) are unaware of the fact that you’re taking on the majority of the emotional labor, and we can’t fix what we don’t know is broken. The first step in re-balancing your relationship usually requires you to gently point out this imbalance to your partner(s) using statements like, “I’ve felt like I’ve been taking on many of the relationship responsibilities lately,” or “I’ve been feeling stressed and could use some more support around the house.” Massey recommends being as specific as possible regarding the unbalanced tasks that you’d like to delegate to your partner(s). Specificity can help you to avoid sending or receiving mixed signals, which will ideally lessen the anxiety you could cause one another.

2. Recognize and acknowledge efforts

Positive reinforcement is the name of the game here. Once you communicate directly about the tasks you need to delegate, be sure to commend the effort your partner(s) make. Going back to the laundry folding example: If your partner folds the laundry without being asked to, verbally expressing your appreciation could increase the likelihood that they’ll help out in the same way in the future. It’s also important to remember that nobody’s perfect—try your best to reward progress, rather than shaming setbacks.

3. Share responsibilities

This might seem like a more obvious solution, but it’s worth noting nonetheless because some shared responsibilities can go a long way. This is especially true when it comes to home maintenance or childcare. Some suggestions include making a list of specific household activities and determining who will be responsible for each one, alternating who plans the next date night, or creating a shared calendar so you can easily see who’s responsible for each task at all times.

4. Set boundaries

If you’ve always done the dishes without complaints, then your partner(s) may be caught off guard by a sudden request to take this on. This is why it’s important to set healthy boundaries. An example can look like, “I know I’ve usually done the dishes in the past, but I’d like to alternate who does the dishes in the future. I’d appreciate if you could do the dishes tonight, and I’ll do the dishes tomorrow.” Only you and your partner(s) know what’s best for you and your relationship, so the specific boundaries you set should be appropriate for your relationship dynamic and in line with how you usually communicate.

5. Seek outside support

Balancing emotional labor is a tough task. If you’ve been unsuccessful on your own in the past, then seeking the counsel of a mental health professional or therapist could be a great next step. If you’re looking to delegate tasks, work through conflict, or develop a system of balancing emotional labor that works best for you and your partner(s), then couples therapy could also be a useful route to take. If you’re learning skills that are specific to your role in the relationship—such as learning to stop projecting your feelings or continuously emotional monitoring—then seeing an individual therapist could be a more appropriate fit. As always, it all depends on your specific needs and desired areas of growth.

Sharing the emotional labor of a relationship can be a daunting task. It’s difficult to conceive of the people you love as laborious, but the truth is that all valuable things in our lives require some degree of effort. When navigating the balance of emotional labor in your relationship, try your best to communicate directly, celebrate small wins, and set clear boundaries based on your specific needs. At the end of the day, you know your relationship better than anyone else could, and leading with love and support can go a very long way.