6 Signs You’re Dealing With Mixed Signals in a Relationship—And How to Deal With Them Effectively

Imagine: You’ve been dating someone for two months, and everything has been going great…or so you thought. After hitting it off at mini golf, at the movies, and at a picnic with their friends, you invited them to spend the weekend at your family’s beach house. Suddenly, they tell you a big work project popped up and they’ve been acting strange and distant ever since. Are they really just busy, or are they sending mixed signals? And how do you know the difference?

“Receiving mixed signals in a relationship, especially in the beginning, can cause so much confusion, stress, and anxiety,” explains Dr. Karen Stewart, PsyD, a sex and relationship therapist. “[They] take the fun out of getting to know someone.” While mixed signals are unpleasant, they’re a common reality in the dating world (and you might have even sent a few, unintentionally, yourself at some point).

If you’re no stranger to the fact that mixed signals make the already-confusing world of dating that much more complicated, allow us—and a few experts—to help you differentiate between fact and fiction. Find out why mixed signals happen, how to spot them, and what to do to stop them in their tracks ahead.

What are mixed signals?

If you’ve ever noticed inconsistent behavior from a dating partner, you’re probably well acquainted with the term “mixed signals.” In a nutshell, mixed signals are behaviors or statements that conflict, often resulting in confusion about a person’s desires or intentions. From a dating perspective, this might mean your date is saying one thing, but doing another. For example, a partner sending mixed signals might ask for a second date, but then become unreachable when you try to make a concrete plan.

Mixed signals can be frustrating because murky communication makes it nearly impossible to tell whether or not the person is interested. And sometimes, the person sending mixed signals might not know what they’re after, either. “They might be unsure about their own feelings or what they want from the relationship,” says Dr. Adrianna Holness, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist. “Maybe they’re enjoying your company but are hesitant to commit. Other times, life throws curveballs, and they might be dealing with personal issues that impact their dating life, such as work stress, family issues, or previous relationship traumas.” Sounds…confusing. So let’s untangle it further.

What do mixed signals mean?

Mixed signals can be an over-correction from a past relationship that didn’t go well, posits Dr. Stewart. “They could also be a form of PTSD, or ‘post-traumatic stress from dating,’ where you thought things were going in a positive direction, but, unfortunately, your partner had other thoughts,” she says. “For instance, maybe in your last relationship, you showed too much interest too quickly and they thought you were needy.” This time around, you’ve vowed to play it cool, but you end up trying so hard that your date thinks you’re being aloof. In this case, mixed signals aren’t necessarily a nail in the relationship coffin, and a direct conversation about the issue could easily clear things up.

A person’s decision-making style can also be a contributing factor. A 2010 study conducted by researchers at the University of Denver found that uncertainty is more likely to arise when a couple is “sliding” into a relationship instead of “deciding” to move forward together. So, if you and a work friend begin to date because you’re giving them a ride home every night, you might both be sliding into a relationship because it’s easy and convenient. This can create issues with mixed signals down the line because neither of you really made a commitment to date one another. On the other hand, if you’re in two different work departments and he calls you out of the blue to invite you on a weekend date, he is “deciding,” and his actions are more likely to feel clear and intentional.

“Both those with avoidant attachment and disorganized attachment are more likely to demonstrate mixed signals overall.” —Dr. Erika Bach, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist

A person’s attachment style can also affect how they communicate in relationships, notes Dr. Erika Bach, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist. Attachment, a term popularized by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainswroth, is typically fostered in childhood, and it informs the way you continue to build relationships throughout your life. “Both those with avoidant attachment and disorganized attachment are more likely to demonstrate mixed signals overall,” Dr. Bach explains. “Avoidant attachers often [demonstrate] a lot of affection and interest, then slowly retreat over time as the relationship becomes more close and intimate, which they find threatening.” She also highlights individuals with a disorganized attachment style, because they tend to flip-flop and “exhibit desire for extreme closeness, followed by a sudden need for distance and space.” So if your date is running hot and cold, it might have more to do with their early relationships with their parents than with you.

While mixed signals aren’t always meant to be intentionally harmful, they can sometimes point to a fear of commitment, which can end up being harmful in the longrun. In a 2023 study published in Evolutionary Psychological Science, psychologists determined that people who fear commitment have a high probability of remaining single. And the more fearful they were, the more likely they were to stay single over the long term. Inconsistent communication is a common relationship problem, but if you’re getting vibes that you’re dating someone who seems too nervous to commit, forget about winning them over. It might be best to end the relationship and jump back into the dating pool.

While mixed signals are not necessarily associated with a particular gender, here are some common mixed signals you might receive.

What are mixed signals from a guy?

1. “I’d love to meet your parents…just not now.”

Scenario one: Imagine your parents are in town on a Sunday and you know the new guy you’re dating will love them. And while he says he imagines a future with you and can’t wait to meet them, he refuses to commit to any concrete plans to meet them. While this may just be the meeting-the-parents jitters, it’s more likely a sign that he’s unwilling to increase the level of commitment involved in your relationship.

2. “I’m not sure what I want.”

Scenario two: after three months of dating, you’ve gathered enough courage to have the “what are we?” conversation. And even though you’ve tried to be as specific and honest as possible about what you’re looking for in a relationship, the only thing the guy you’re dating can muster is a vague, “I don’t know what I want.” You’re doing all of the emotional labor here and are better off moving on without him if he’s unwilling to communicate what he’s looking for in you relationship.

3. Love-bombing / ghosting

Scenario three: At two in the morning on a Wednesday, he’s love-bombing you and sending flowery, romantic messages about you being his other half. He’ll send kissy-face emoji, cute gifs, and shower you in compliments until you’re both asleep with your phones on your chests. But when Friday night rolls around and you ask what he’s up to this weekend, he’s nowhere to be seen. This combo of love bombing and ghosting definitely sends mixed messages, and while he may actually be busy during the weekend, this may be another sign that he’s unwilling to commit time to you unless it’s convenient for him.

What are mixed signals from a girl?

4. “I’m dating a few people right now.”

Scenario one: She expects you to help her move, vents to you about her sister on the phone and gets mad when you don’t text back within five minutes. But when you ask if she wants to be exclusive, she tells you she’s dating three other guys and changes the subject. Not only is this disrespectful of your feelings, but it’s a pretty clear sign that you’re on separate pages when it comes to the future of your relationship.

5. “Let’s just see how things go.”

Scenario two: You’ve been hoping your girlfriend will move in with you when her lease is up next month, but she’s made no effort to make any concrete plans one way or the other, insisting you should both just go with the flow and see what happens. This “let’s just see how it goes” approach might be fun for a day trip to the park or an impromptu drive up the coast, but it’s also a sign that she might be searching for a casual (vs. serious) relationship.

6. Running hot and cold

Scenario three: She seemed to have a blast at the concert, but when you went hiking, she was withdrawn and passive-aggressive. Sometimes she’s right on time, but she often shows up late and doesn’t even apologize. This back-and-forth behavior can be unpredictable and confusing, which is why it’s important to set boundaries and communicate your needs and expectations when it comes to different aspects of the relationship.

How to tell someone you’re getting mixed signals

If you’re getting mixed signals but you think your partner could be doing it unintentionally, our experts agree: clear, consistent, and calm communication is key. “I strongly recommend you sit down to discuss what’s going on with each other directly in a calm setting where you can be heard,” Dr. Stewart says. Open discussions can be clarifying for both partners and build a strong foundation with which to move forward.

Dr. Stewart also recommends pointing out a few examples of the mixed signals you’ve observed and then asking for clarification. (“You told me you wanted to have dinner with my parents, but then you never responded to my texts. Did it bring up some feelings for you that you’d like to talk about?”) This is a great chance to see if you’re on the same page in the relationship, and if open communication is as important to you as it is to them. If it is, the relationship is worth saving.

Also, remember to speak from the heart, but try not to pass judgment. “Do your best to avoid blaming-type statements,” Dr. Stewart continues. “Instead, speak from your experience.” She suggests asking something like: “I’ve been a little confused in the last few days about a few things you’ve said. We discussed making plans for our future, then you discussed dating casually. Could you help me understand this?” Once you’ve posed the question, pay attention to your partner’s answers. “Mixed signals are the master language of gaslighters and players in the dating world,” warns Dr. Stewart. If you receive an answer that you find confusing or upsetting, it might be time to trust your gut feeling and end the relationship.

How to fix mixed signals

Express your desires and intentions clearly

If you notice mixed signals creeping up in your relationship, now is your chance to be extra clear and communicative. Over dinner, you could say something like, “I’m looking for a long-term relationship. How about you?” Encourage your partner to be direct and honest with you, and prepare yourself for any kind of response they might give.

Pay attention to actions and words

They’re so sweet on late-night texts, but in person, they’re kind of rude. Sure, they might be nervous and just need time to feel comfortable, but if your partner isn’t consistent in both their words and actions, it’s definitely time for a clear conversation. What they say should align with what they do, and if they can’t be reliable in their communication style, chances are they won’t be the best match for you moving forward.

Communicate openly

If you’re starting to feel bogged down with confusing mixed signals, use it as an opportunity to kindly ask for clarity. “You might say, ‘I care about you, but I’m confused about what you’re looking for in a relationship,’” Dr. Holness suggests. From here, express your own desires and expectations about the relationship and see how they align with your partner’s.

Listen to the response carefully

If your partner gets uncomfortable, tries to dodge the question, or gets defensive, this is important information. Sure, it may just seem frustrating or annoying at first, but their refusal to give you a direct answer is an answer in and of itself. Take note of exactly how they respond—including their facial expressions, tone of voice, etc.—and reflect on their response before deciding what to do next.

Give yourself time to think

Give yourself time to think after you’ve tried to confront your partner(s) about their mixed signals and confusing relationship intentions. How did your partner react when you called them out for flooding your phone with cute texts and then standing you up for dinner with your friends the same day? Were they grateful for your honesty? Did they provide clarity? Or are you left feeling even more upset and confused?

Set boundaries

If you want to continue dating this person but mixed signals are still an issue, setting a clear boundary may be helpful, says Dr. Holness. You might say, “I need more consistent communication to feel secure in this relationship.” If your partner cannot abide by your boundaries, this may not be the right partner for you.

Final thoughts about mixed signals

Being on the receiving end of mixed signals can feel confusing, embarrassing, and overwhelming. But resist the urge to second-guess yourself, says Dr. Bach. “If you notice that the person you are dating is sending opposing messages, have some self-compassion and be honest with yourself [about] whether you want to tolerate this behavior,” she adds.

Whether mixed signals are being sent intentionally or unintentionally, they can still be exhausting and hurtful. “Ask yourself honestly if your needs are being met, and remind yourself that wanting someone to be clear and consistent is not asking ‘too much,’” Dr. Bach says. You deserve clear, open, and honest communication, and you don’t need to settle for less.