Partnered sex is one of the most intimate things you can do with a partner, and for good reason. It can be super-pleasurable, passionate, connective, and bring you closer thanks to bonding hormones released during sex. But, such a vulnerable experience really only feels good like that if all folks involved are invested in the goal of mutual enjoyment. If you have a partner who is mostly focused on their own pleasure or experience, it can quickly leave you feeling disappointed and icky. So, how can you tell if someone is selfish in bed?

“You know your partner is selfish in bed when they lay there expecting you to do all the work to create an erotic environment,” says AASECT-certified sex therapist and sexologist Jenni Skyler, PhD, LMFT. They also might always need one-sided foreplay, sexual satisfaction, orgasm, or their pleasure to be prioritized first, says sex therapist Jackie Golob, founder of Shameless Therapy & Consulting Services. These partners might not spend as much time on your turn-ons and arousal or sex acts of giving as much as they receive, Golob also adds. If you’re constantly looking up sex advice, advanced sex positions, and trying new toys and tricks to try to make their (and your) experience as pleasurable as possible while they seem tuned out, you might have a partner who is selfish in bed and you should check in with them and communicate your feelings ASAP.

“You know your partner is selfish in bed when they lay there expecting you to do all the work to create an erotic environment.” —Jenni Skyler, PhD, LMFT, sex therapist and sexologist

But what if you’re the selfish partner? In the heat of the moment, it can sometimes be difficult to tell if you’re giving your partner what they need to feel pleasure and feel as satisfied as you are. After all, everyone is built differently so it’s not as easy as “you spend twenty minutes on me,” and “I’ll spend twenty minutes on you.” Having a partner who is selfish in bed can make you feel pretty crummy fast, ranging from responses like sex spectatoring and resentment, so it’s good to try to nip selfishness in bed, as soon as you can identify it.

We asked the experts to explain the psychology behind partners who are selfish in bed and what can be done about it. The good news? These things have fixes if the selfish partner is willing to work at it.

Signs of a partner who is selfish in bed, and how to approach each to get the pleasure you deserve

1. Sex feels like a transaction

“When intimacy starts to feel like a chore or a transaction—where they expect something in return for every act of intimacy—it’s a sign of selfishness,” says psychotherapist Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, adding that “sex should be a mutually enjoyable experience, not a bargaining chip.”

Groskopf also adds that “this kind of behavior can also be a red flag that there may be some deeper issues related to control and power dynamics in the relationship.” If this is the case, try speaking to a professional and bringing your relationship to a pro who can help you either make sex feel less transactional, or leave a relationship where control and power dynamics are unhealthy.

2. Initiation is one-sided

“If your partner only initiates sex when it suits their emotional state, like only when they’re happy and never when you need comfort or initiate, it’s a sign of selfishness,” Groskopf also adds. Likewise, if they always want you to initiate and don’t take the lead in pursuing sex with you, this might also be a sign of selfishness, Golob adds.

If this is the case and you want to improve your experience, try communicating with them and creating a plan, says Golob. “Talk about your sexual routine if it feels the same and how things can be mixed up. Discuss options, ideas, and solutions,” Golob says, adding that you should feel like you’re both working to “attack the problem, not the person”

3. You’re doing all the “work”

If you’re performing oral sex each time you have sex, but not being offered the same in return, your partner might be leaving you without the attention you need, or vice versa.

“Typically, the selfish partner doesn’t engage in much or any mutual touching. Sometimes this is because of trauma, and the receiving partner doesn’t touch back because it’s triggering, but it shows up as selfish,’ she says. Other times, the receiving partner just has the expectation of being doted upon. Either way, if your partner isn’t putting in the work you are, it’s time to chat. Regardless of the cause of the disconnect, opening lines of bedroom communication to share what you need and what you aren’t currently getting is important. In some cases, particularly where there is a history of trauma, seeking professional help as a couple may be key.

4. Foreplay? Not often

There’s a time and place for a quickie (which can be fun!), but if you’re regularly missing foreplay, any sex act that builds up to orgasm, it could mean you or your partner is more focused on the end goal than the buildup. Communicating about sex is key to a fulfilling relationship.

“You know your partner is selfish in bed when they are not curious about what you enjoy and they have their own agenda and plow forward without checking in,” says Skyler. The best way to approach this situation is to be upfront with your partner and ask them why they are rushing through without checking in with you about your mood.

5. When you express what you want, it’s met with resistance

Though there are different types of selfishness, one sure sign that your partner is selfish in bed is that they don’t take feedback well. “Typically they will respond to your feedback or requests with defensiveness or anger, and while this often comes from their own place of insecurity, it shows up selfishly,” says Skyler.

And if you’re the one who’s not open to feedback, “explore your resistance,” says sex therapist Jennifer Litner, LMFT, CST. Ask yourself what keeps you from feeling open to hearing your partner’s suggestions. It can be helpful to think of feedback as an opportunity to make sex more enjoyable for everyone. “Feedback is truly the lubrication of sexual satisfaction,” Litner says.

6. They’re only focused on what they enjoy

A partner who is a narcissist may expect sexual activity only on their terms, and refuse to deviate or try something new. Plus, they may lose interest after they get what they want. This can be especially fraught for those who have a tendency to chronically prioritize others’ needs before their own, as people pleasing and sex are a combo that can get unhealthy quickly.

“Remember that partnered sex is about mutual pleasure, and it requires active attention to make that happen,” says Litner. Of course, there can also be positive selfishness, like when your partner’s needs have been met and it’s your turn for some pleasure.

7. They feel entitled to sex

“You know your partner is selfish in bed when they feel entitled to various sexual activities, versus recognizing that it may need to be a collaboration between both partners,” says Skyler. This can show up as an entitled attitude around intercourse or oral sex, or as a partner pushing for sex when you’re not in the mood. Sex is important in a relationship, but it still needs to be consensual.

The opposite can occur, too, Skyler explains, where you or your partner might withdraw from sex. This can also be selfish, as it’s an unwillingness to keep the intimacy alive (especially if this becomes a chronic issue). It’s important to find that in-between and learn to work together to connect intimately and be attentive to each other’s sexual needs.

How to improve the experience of being with someone who is selfish in bed

1. Have a sex talk

“Discuss with your partner(s) how you’ve been feeling and what you’ve been noticing between you all sexually,” says Golob. You can also discuss what you’d like to change or start, stop, and continue. Make sure that you pause and ask for them to respond to each of these prompts, giving them ample space and time to do so.

2. Communicate, listen, repeat—and make a habit of it

“Engage in emotional intimacy and have sexual conversations often,” Golob recommends. “Talk about it right after sex if that’s what you enjoy, to just do it and get in the habit of it.” The more you normalize check-ins and these conversations, the more opportunities there will be to touch base with one another and ensure everyone’s pleasure feels like it’s being prioritized. Talk about what you like about your sex life, what you wish you had more of, and what not to do during sex to make both parties as happy as possible.

Frequently Asked Questions About a Partner Who Is Selfish in Bed

1. What can I do about a selfish partner?

It may be uncomfortable at first, but talking to your partner and addressing any perceived selfishness is going to be the best way to sort things out. “Talk to them, listen to them, and ask how come their sexual pleasure is being prioritized over yours,” says Golob, adding that it’s important not to attack your partner, but to try to engage calmly. Don’t pose it as if they’re bad at sex, but instead that it seems that their sexual pleasure is more important than yours.

“Say something like, ‘I’ve been doing some reflecting on my personal sexual boundaries and our sex life. I’m wondering if we can have a talk about how we can balance both of our desires, sexual needs, foreplay, and aftercare more,'” she says. Simply asking if your partner is open to speaking about the issue now or at a later date is a great first step. Golob also mentions that it’s important to do this without your phone in hand or the TV on in the background.

2. When should you walk away from a selfish partner?

If you’ve tried to speak to your partner about their selfishness at least two to three times and they aren’t willing to have the conversation, it’s time to walk away. “They’re not prioritizing you, so you have to,” says Golob. “Walk away if you feel like nothing has changed and if you’ve voiced this opinion for quite some time. When you feel like you’re running in circles, stop.”

3. What causes a selfish lover?

There are many reasons why someone might be a selfish lover. “There’s toxic masculinity when it comes to the patriarchy with cishet couples, family of origin dynamics with not seeing what a healthy relationship is like, lack of affection growing up, lack of emotional awareness and skills, and also learning how to be in a sexual relationship as well,” explains Golob. Different attachment styles, lack of communication skills, and unhealthy past relationships can all contribute to present selfish behaviors.

4. Do selfish partners ever change?

Here’s the good news: Selfish people, including selfish lovers, can change—if they want to. “If this is an individual goal, and the person wants their relationships or marriage to work badly enough, they’ll do anything to change,” says Golob. A shift in mindset is necessary, and you or your partner may need to make sacrifices. Both people need to speak their mind and say exactly what they are looking for in a partner. “You’ve got to prioritize you, your relationship, and your sexual wellness. If you don’t show up for you, don’t expect anyone else to,” adds Golob.

5. Is it ever OK to be selfish in bed?

At times, it’s fine to be more selfish in bed. But don’t make it a habit. “In a healthy sexual relationship, it’s important to strike a balance between your own desires and those of your partner,” says neuropsychologist Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, director of Comprehend the Mind. “This involves open communication to understand each other’s needs and boundaries, as well as a willingness to give and receive pleasure in a mutually satisfying way. Consent, respect, and empathy are crucial elements in any sexual relationship.”

6. How do I stop being a selfish lover?

Now, if you’re reading this article because you’re thinking, wait, am I selfish in bed? there are things you can do to create more balance in your relationship.

Prioritize foreplay: Invest time in foreplay to build emotional and physical connection. Focus on kissing, touching, and other forms of intimacy before moving on to more sexual activities,” says Dr. Hafeez.

Mutual satisfaction: Remember that sex isn’t all about you. Aim to please and do things that will turn on your partner in addition to yourself.

Patience: Take your time and don’t rush through the act. “Rushing through the process often leads to selfish behavior. Explore each other’s bodies and enjoy the journey,” says Dr. Hafeez.

Ask for feedback: Talk during and after sex to understand your partner’s likes and dislikes, and adjust as needed. Try not to take their preferences personally, and instead, think of the conversation as a learning opportunity.

7. How to spot a selfish partner?

If you notice that you tend to do all the work of giving in a relationship with little ever offered to you, you might be dealing with a selfish partner. Other signs include if they seem only focused on their pleasure with little attention paid to yours, if they feel entitled to sex, or if it starts to ever feel transactional. If things start to feel unequal, like one sided sex, or that a partner is being particularly uncaring about your needs in bed, that’s a sign you may be dealing with a selfish partner

8. Is being selfish in bed a red flag?

That depends, says Golob. “It can be a big one if you’ve been with someone for years and they aren’t willing to work on changes and grow with you,” she says. However, “if the person is willing to take steps, implement feedback, and make changes, then it’s a mini red flag that can always be turned into a green one.”

It might also help to consider your partner’s past, Golob says. If past partners haven’t talked to them about this ever, it’s not necessarily the selfish partner’s fault. “We need to learn to be more honest, open, and empathetic to our partner’s sexual experiences too, not just our own,” she notes.