“The term ‘middle child syndrome’ can be used to describe the unique experience of a person who has both an older and younger sibling and may include feeling ignored or excluded in the family dynamic,” explains child psychiatrist Monika Roots, MD, co-founder at Bend Health. And while middle child syndrome isn’t so much a diagnosable condition, that doesn’t mean it can’t describe some underlying commonalities that middle children can face, as Dr. Roots explains.
“The term ‘middle child syndrome’ can be used to describe the unique experience of a person who has both an older and younger sibling and may include feeling ignored or excluded in the family dynamic.”—Monika Roots, MD, child psychiatrist and co-founder at Bend Health
Being a middle child is a unique experience—as are most birth order commonalities (hello, eldest daughter syndrome anyone?) To find out more about middle child syndrome, middle child personality traits, and characteristics of middle children, we spoke to the experts. Spoiler alert: being the middle child isn’t a curse: in fact, being a middle child can often be a great thing.
- 01What is middle child syndrome?
- 02What’s the science behind middle child syndrome?
- 03How does birth order affect personality?
- 04Qualities of middle children
- 056 common characteristics of middle child syndrome
- 06How can middle child syndrome affect adults?
- 07What to do if middle child syndrome is impacting your life
- Aimee Daramus, PsyD, LCP, Chicago-based psychotherapist
- Christine DeVore, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist at Birch Health
- Melissa Divaris Thompson, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist
- Monika Roots, MD, child psychiatrist and co-founder at Bend Health
What is middle child syndrome?
"Middle child syndrome is a set of feelings and a relationship style that's common in middle children," says clinical psychologist Aimee Daramus, PsyD. "It's not a psychological disorder or even anything that 'officially' exists, but it's a pattern that people have noticed for decades.”
Essentially, though not a clinically recognized disorder, middle child syndrome revolves around a sense of familial separateness. "Middle child syndrome starts when you feel like you disappear between your siblings," says Melissa Divaris Thompson, LMFT. Which, oof. But, that sense can lead to something more complex and interesting beyond feeling ignored and brace-faced.
What’s the science behind middle child syndrome?
“The term middle child syndrome originates from psychotherapist and physician Alfred Adler who created the birth order theory and believed that a child may be greatly influenced by their place in the family,” explains Dr. Roots.
“Research surrounding birth order and the role it plays in a person’s overall personality, as well as physical and mental health, is ongoing,” she says, adding that “many researchers disagree with studies supporting this theory, as most don’t take important factors into account, including race, gender, and socioeconomic status.”
How does birth order affect personality?
“According to Adler’s birth order theory, the order in which children are born can shape their personalities,” explains Dr. Roots, adding that first-borns may be more likely to show leadership qualities and become high achievers, as they’ve got the most attention from parents, while younger siblings may be more outgoing in an attempt to gain more attention from their parents. Middle children “may be even-tempered, but feel as though they don’t fit in or have as much support from their parents as their siblings do.”
Qualities of middle children
1. More independent
“Middle children might be seen as more independent and adaptable,” says licensed clinical psychologist Christine DeVore, PsyD. Dr. Roots also agrees, adding that middle children “are thought to be more independent than their siblings,” and can often build strong bonds outside of their parents and siblings.
2. Less confrontational
Middle children “may be less confrontational in their communication and seek solutions that accommodate everyone,” says Dr. DeVore. This checks out too, as if you’re a middle child who feels constantly pulled between the older and younger sibling, you’re probably not gonna have the time or patience to create even more chaos at home.
3. More diplomatic
Likewise, Dr. DeVore also adds that according to birth order theory, “middle children often become peacemakers since they usually have to mediate arguments between the oldest and youngest siblings.” Combining the less confrontational aspect of being a middle child with the diplomatic-minded nature of being smack-in the middle of the family and you’ve got yourself quite the mediator. Career in politics, anyone?
6 common characteristics of middle child syndrome
1. Feelings of being left out
This characteristic is essentially the driving force of middle child syndrome: They tend to not feel like the favorite child in the family because they play a nebulous role in the larger dynamic.
"Oldest, youngest, and only children often have very defined roles," says Dr. Daramus. "For example, the oldest is supposed to be responsible and is under pressure to achieve, the youngest is the baby, defined by being the littlest. By the time a youngest comes around, the parents are often more financially secure and more relaxed about parenting, so the youngest can be a bit spoiled. The middle child often develops in reaction to the defined identities of the others."
2. The tendency to become whatever the oldest is not
"If the oldest is responsible, the middle often reacts by being lighthearted or rebellious," says Dr. Daramus, adding that "if the oldest is popular and outgoing, the middle child might be more studious or artistic."
And while this isn’t an automatic trait, it’s something interesting to consider. This natural counter-imagining of self might come with an inferiority complex (like Jan Brady's "I’ll never be as pretty and popular as Marcia!" trope).
Considered through a decidedly more positive lens, this might mean a middle child can see a different path than their older siblings, since they have more freedom to define their identity outside of the family (more on that later).
3. Feelings of not being noticed or seen
You know that feeling when you raise your hand amongst a sea of people and nobody calls on you? That's big middle child syndrome energy. This may be characterized by a constant feeling of being overlooked, no matter how hard they’re screaming for attention.
On the flip side, Thompson notes that middle children might feel like their opinions don’t matter at all, and take a more withdrawn approach by being someone who never raises their hand, period. See: the middle child who doesn't bother chiming in on Zoom meetings because they’re used to being on metaphorical mute anyway.
4. Stronger external social ties
That feeling of being passed over doesn’t necessarily mean the middle child is alone. In fact, they usually foster more and stronger relationships outside of their family circle.
"Because it feels to them like their parents are closest to the oldest—who was often under the most pressure to achieve—and the youngest—who needs more care than the others—the middle child often has their closest relationships outside the home," says Dr. Daramus. "With their friends, they get to be more than just somebody else's sibling."
5. Feelings of having to prove yourself
Some with middle child syndrome have serious drive and ambition, but it also comes with exhaustion. Consider Lisa Simpson again, a straight-A student whose troublemaking brother gets celebrated for his D+ average. For every middle child experiencing burnout, there’s a Bart who made it that much harder to shine.
6. An independent streak and sense of individualism
We’re all unique snowflakes, regardless of birth order, but according to middle child syndrome, middle children may tend to carve out a more original way of living compared to their siblings, especially since they’re more receptive to outside influences.
"The stereotypical middle child is more sensitive, more distant from the family, even when they get along well, and often finds a path that's very different from the others, so they have a defined sense of self," says Dr. Daramus. "They can be a lot of fun to have around, because they're more tuned in to themselves since they're a little more distant from family expectations."
How can middle child syndrome affect adults?
Sometimes, middle child syndrome can leave adults with an inferiority complex due to a perceived lack of attention and a constant need to grab attention of those around them.
"It can leave many adults feeling like they’re invisible and not special," says Thompson. "It can show up in relationships and can often make middle child syndrome adults feel inadequate and not worthy of love and affection. They can always have this feeling that someone else would be better."
On the other hand, they might end up shining harder because of the way they had to compete with their siblings. Or middle child syndrome could mold an adult with a stronger sense of self, one with freedom to grow into something special. Middle child syndrome doesn’t have to be a curse nor does it have any implication on a person's predestined personality—people can flourish or not regardless of the roots in their family tree.
What to do if middle child syndrome is impacting your life
“If you find yourself struggling with the affects of being a middle child, it’s important to reach out to someone you trust,” says Dr. Roots. “You can share your experiences with a person in your life who will actively listen and validate your feelings, or you can talk to a mental health coach or therapist who can help you process more complex emotions and provide you with tools to help you feel your best,” she adds. Individual therapy may be great here, and if you and your sibs agree to it and are curious, maybe even sibling therapy.
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