How many couples do you know—or how many celebrities have you read about—who’ve hit a boiling point in their relationship? While some of these couples may have reconciled and others have parted ways for good, there were likely a few common denominators that made each person question the future of their relationship. Increased anxiety can create a major shift in the energy of the relationship, whether that’s one partner’s anxiety about a major life event, work troubles, or the health of a loved one. If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “My anxiety is ruining my relationship,” remember that your nerves and feelings of unease are not in control: you are.

Relationship anxiety can be internal, or directly tied to events and issues in the relationship, or external, tied to outside factors such as one partner’s concerns over their student loan debt. Regardless of the source, these anxious feelings can often put a damper on your romantic partnership, says Patrice Le Goy, PhD, LMFT, a psychologist based in Los Angeles. For this reason, it’s important to first recognize and name the feelings of anxiety you may have in your relationships, and then to interrogate where that fear stems from. Is it tied to your worries about the future of your relationship? Is it a reaction to trauma from a past relationship? Or, is it something altogether different? From here, you can begin to working through these feelings of anxiety internally and as a couple, Dr. Le Goy says of what to do if you can’t shake the thought, “My anxiety is ruining my relationship.”

Keep reading to better understand some of the causes of relationship anxiety, and how to work through your own anxiety symptoms or support your partner through an anxious period, according to experts.

Where does relationship anxiety come from?

Anxiety in relationships can come from a number of different sources. One factor in relationship anxiety might be the partners’ attachment styles, according to Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, founder of Evolution to Healing Psychotherapy in Los Angeles. Attachment styles involve how you communicate, relate to, and establish intimacy with a partner. Your particular attachment style may become an issue if its ruled by your anxiety, as supported by a 2017 study¹ about adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. “If you have an anxious attachment style, you might worry a lot about being left or not being ‘good’ enough,” says Groskopf. “On the other hand, if you [have an] avoidant attachment style, you might feel anxious about getting too close [to partners] and losing your independence.” Beyond your attachment style, you may experience anxiety triggered by past relationships or current stressors in your life, adds Groskopf, and it’s important to pay attention to these triggers so that you know how to deal with relationship anxiety.

“If you have an anxious attachment style, you might worry a lot about being left or not being ‘good’ enough.” —Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC

Relationship anxiety (along with its counterpart, relationship OCD) can also be caused by one partner’s feelings of self-doubt, lack of trust in the other partner(s), and lack of communication between partners, explains Christina L. Scott, PhD, Professor of Social Psychology in the Department of Psychological Sciences at Whittier College in California, whose work focuses on sex and relationship education. Past relationship anxiety may also play a role in your current relationship anxiety. For example, someone who was broken up with in a previous relationship might have anxious thoughts about their partner leaving them again, while someone who was previously in an abusive relationship may worry that their new partner will emulate these same toxic behaviors, says Dr. Scott. The latter would likely result in more intense and pervasive anxious thoughts and anxiety symptoms that require counseling with a mental healthcare provider, she adds.

Can anxiety ruin a relationship?

“My anxiety is ruining my relationship,” you catch yourself saying in the mirror every morning, but is it true? It is possible for anxiety to result in the end of a relationship. For instance, doing things like texting your partner for support constantly or expecting them to alleviate your anxiety in a mock therapy session is not healthy, and can cause a rift in the relationship, Logan says. She gives the example of a female client she interviewed for her book, who was in a relationship with a man who was essentially using her as the “container for his anxiety.” Relationships like this are not healthy and cannot continue on without causing emotional damage to at least one partner. To make sure anxiety doesn’t destroy your relationship, work on honing the tools you need to manage your anxiety, Logan says. This way, you can work on healing some of your anxious thoughts on your own and you don’t need to lean on your partner to be your de facto therapist.

How do I know if my anxiety is ruining my relationship?

1. One partner is feeling drained.

People with anxiety, especially those with anxious attachment styles, might constantly seek reassurance from another partner—that they are in love, that they will be faithful to them, that the relationship is progressing at the pace they want it to, to give some examples. “This might leave the other person feeling drained,” says Groskopf. It might also result in one partner pushing another partner away, especially because they feel drained, as supported by a 2012 study². Ultimately, this can be detrimental to the levels of communication and intimacy in the relationship.

2. You’re skirting a fight to make sure your partner isn’t ‘mad’ at you.

Anxiety in relationships might cause you to stay quiet and try to avoid conflicts at all costs, says Groskopf. Whether you have an anxious attachment style or are anxious as a result of having started many fights in a past relationship, your anxious thoughts might convince you that your partner will be mad at you or not want to be with you anymore if you raise a concern about their behavior or about the relationship in general.

Holding in these feelings so as to not start an argument isn’t going to make you feel any better, though. “This can lead to resentment down the road,” Groskopf says. It allows your anger or frustration to fester, which can have negative health implications. Not only does your stress hormone cortisol spike when this happens, but short bursts of anger can cause blood vessel damage and raise your heart attack risk, according to research published by the Journal of the American Heart Association.

3. You’re feeling distant because you’re not telling each other how anxious you are.

Anxious thoughts can get out of control in your mind, but can potentially cause a rift between you and a partner if you don’t communicate and share what’s bothering you with the other person. “Feeling disconnected from one’s partner, restricting or avoiding open communication, and feelings of self-recrimination, depression, or pervasive anxiety are all warning signs that anxiety is potentially harming the individual and their relationship,” says Dr. Scott.

For example, if you’re anxious about your health, that you might end up with a serious illness, those thoughts can be difficult to say out loud to anyone, even a partner you trust. There is so much shame around anxiety in general, and relationship anxiety too, says Dené Logan, MFT, author of Sovereign Love: A Guide to Healing Relationships by Reclaiming the Masculine and Feminine Within. The shame around the particular fear or concern can cause self-isolation and can increase social anxiety, which is not healthy for any relationship; this can facilitate detachment, says Dr. Scott. So, if you keep having the recurring thought, “My anxiety is ruining my relationship,” voice your concerns to your partner and take the steps necessary to do some interpersonal and intrapersonal healing.

4. You’re only able to focus on this relationship and your partner’s happiness.

If you’re dedicating a majority of your energy to taking control of certain aspects of your relationship, this may be a sign that you’re experiencing relationship anxiety. This might result in codependent tendencies, which could present in a way where one partner feels that if their anxiety is in check, then the other person is fine or the relationship in general is fine. It could also go the other way—if your partner is not calm for a period of time, then you may be unable to stay calm overall and might be anxious that the whole relationship will fall apart. It’s common to feel preoccupied in those situations where you’re so worried about a potential breakup. But getting too hung up on relationship anxiety, or any anxiety you might be experiencing, doesn’t help your relationships, Logan says.

5. You’re overly focused on the other person cheating or breaking up with you.

“My anxiety is ruining my relationship,” you say to yourself after the latest passive-aggressive argument with your SO. Anxiety can feel like it’s destroying your relationship, and it very well might be ruining your partnership if you focus too much on the “what ifs.” For example, you might feel on edge about your partner cheating, perhaps because they have cheated in the past, or you experienced infidelity in another relationship. This is a thought that you can interrogate immediately. Dr. Le Goy recommends “checking the facts”: “Has this person given me any indication that they are cheating? Is there actually something there, or am I still processing something that happened in the past that I went through, or that my parents went through?” This is not saying you should go snooping through your partner’s phone, but make a mental note of any signs that you have something to be anxious about; if the signs are not there, work on dismissing the anxious thought.

How do I stop anxiety from ruining my relationship?

Still thinking “My anxiety is ruining my relationship”? Wondering how to save a relationship that’s on thin ice due to anxiety? Communication is the key. “First and foremost, talk with your partner to help them understand how you are feeling and what might be triggering your fears,” Dr. Scott says. That may require carving out some time on your personal calendar to speak openly without interruption, she adds. You can start the conversation by saying something along the lines of “I’ve been really anxious lately, and I feel it’s impacting us. Can we talk about it?” suggests Groskopf, so you can prepare the person for an in-depth discussion. Additionally, you shouldn’t expect your partner to alleviate the anxiety just by talking about it; instead, ask for their support, adds Dr. Scott.

Your partner can be a confidante for you, especially when it comes to anxiety and mental health, but it’s important to set boundaries with each other so neither of the partners becomes the other’s “therapist,” says Dr. Le Goy. If you’re the partner who has demonstrated anxiety outside the partnership—such as anxiety related to work, family, or health—it may benefit you to speak with a licensed therapist solo and then bring that work you’ve done back into your relationship. If the relationship itself is the main source of the anxiety, a couples’ therapist might be able to help you work through anxiety as a team, says Dr. Scott.

“If you notice a repeated pattern of worry and discomfort emerging across your relationships, consider speaking with a licensed therapist to find safe and effective strategies to manage the anxiety and help you reconnect with your partner.” —Christina L. Scott, PhD

If codependency is the issue, how to stop being codependent in a relationship involves cultivate an anxiety toolkit to have whenever you need it, so you don’t have to rely solely on your partner to help you get through anxious moments, Logan advises. Additionally, have a go-to plan for whenever anxiety strikes: This could involve going for a walk, going on a hike, taking a yoga class, or drawing yourself a hot bath. Logan also recommends trying a written brain dump of all the “worst-case scenarios” you’re envisioning—this could include your partner being angry with you or the relationship running its course. You can then imagine how you would cope with the worst-case scenario, mentally prepare yourself, and feel more secure in knowing how you would get through it, Logan says.

Before you even get into a relationship, it’s a good idea to know what you’re looking for and what behaviors or traits in another person might trigger your anxiety. Dr. Le Goy recommends making a red, yellow, and green flag list. As you’re making this list, ask yourself, “What’s really important, and what will I not put up with?” That way, you’re less likely to be anxious about what’s ahead and question your actions and decisions. Then you can make a clear call as to who is the right partner for you.

Will I ever get over relationship anxiety?

“All of us are a ‘work in progress,’ and it is absolutely possible to develop effective coping skills and resources to manage relationship anxiety,” says Dr. Scott. “If you notice a repeated pattern of worry and discomfort emerging across your relationships, consider speaking with a licensed therapist to find safe and effective strategies to manage the anxiety and help you reconnect with your partner.”

Another way to gauge your status with relationship anxiety is to evaluate whether or not it feels like it’s taking over your life, says Dr. Le Goy. The “butterflies” feeling early in a relationship is common, and could come with a side of unknowns and slight worry, she says. This is different from more serious relationship anxiety that could be building up because of a lack of trust or communication with your partner. There’s also the element of the unknown, which is one of the worst parts of anxiety. You can always look back on past relationships, however, for evidence that you survived difficult times and even the end of relationships, says Dr. Le Goy. Remind yourself that “I’ve felt this feeling before; I have the ability to work through it; and I can find the tools to work through it,” she says.

How do I help my partner with relationship anxiety?

If you’re not the one with relationship anxiety but you’ve noticed your partner has been struggling with anxious thoughts, there are a few approaches you can take to supporting them and acknowledging their concerns.

Be there, don’t try to fix things.

Again, you are not your partner’s therapist, but you do want to make sure that your partner feels heard, especially if they are feeling anxious about your relationship. At the same time, don’t try to “fix” whatever it is that’s making them anxious. “Try saying, ‘I understand this is hard for you, and I’m here,’ to bring your partner some comfort and help them feel less alone,” Groskopf suggests. “Encourage small, supportive actions like taking short walks together. And try to be patient because dealing with anxiety is a journey, not a quick fix.”

Become interdependent on other community members.

Another way to support your partner is by building a community of people who can support you both in times of need. “I really believe we are a codependent society; so many of the ways we are conditioned to be are codependent, down to our fairy-tales,” Logan says. Rather than allowing your partner to turn to you for their every need, encourage them to speak to family, friends, co-workers, or a support group to alleviate some of the pressure from yourself while still ensuring their needs are being met. Your partner should also be giving you space to join in on the conversation if you so choose.

Encourage them to see a therapist, or join them in therapy.

As a partner, you can play a huge role in encouraging your significant other to seek therapy or other mental health treatment, especially if they haven’t so far. Finding the right therapist is a process in itself, but once it clicks, that patient-therapist relationship can work wonders, equipping your partner with the tools they need to express their worries in a healthy manner and work with you to address them. “A good therapist will not try ‘to fix’ your anxiety but give you some helpful tools to have in your coping skills tool belt. You’re the expert in your life,” Dr. Le Goy says. Therapy is not always financially accessible to many communities, though, so it’s also important to encourage them to check in with loved ones and seek support groups whenever possible.

The more we talk about anxiety in relationships, and anxiety in general, the closer we get to shattering the stigma around the mental health condition. Though it may not be easy, “We are more and more resilient [the more we are exposed to uncertainty],” Logan says. So consider every moment of worry a learning opportunity and use all of your resources to move forward in a way that’s healthy for you and your partner.