All the Different and Valid Ways You Can Respond to an Apology

Misunderstandings happen, and so do gut-wrenching betrayals. After all, conflict is part of what makes us human. If you’re lucky, you might get an apology, but you might not. However, getting an apology certainly isn’t the end all be all of conflict in a relationship, whether it’s platonic, professional, familial, romantic, or beyond. While apologizing itself can be rather straightforward (thanks, kindergarten teachers everywhere for teaching us how to say ‘please, thank you, and I’m sorry’, TBH), how to respond to an apology isn’t always as straightforward.

“When someone hurts us, we must let them know, regardless of whether they intended the act or not,” says Seiji Takaku, PhD, Professor of Psychology Institutional Research and Assessment Coordinator at Soka University of America. “The most important thing we want them to recognize is the difference between intention and impact,” Dr. Takaku adds. Therefore, getting an apology (when heartfelt and honest) from someone can be a great time to actually have a productive dialogue about the impact their actions or words had and how they made you feel.

After an apology, whether or not you decide to forgive them is up to you. “Forgiveness is a choice after all, and there’s power in knowing that you get to choose what you allow, tolerate, and deserve,” says therapist Minaa B., MSW, LMSW, a licensed social worker, mental health educator, and relationship expert at eharmony. “If you’re not ready to accept someone’s apology, it’s important to communicate your feelings in a clear, direct, and respectful manner,” Minaa adds.

“Forgiveness is a choice after all, and there’s power in knowing that you get to choose what you allow, tolerate, and deserve.” —Minaa B., MSW, LMSW, therapist, licensed social worker, mental health educator, and relationship expert at eharmony

Because it can be overwhelming when someone apologizes to you, we asked the experts for explicit scripts on what to say when someone apologizes to you. Whether you’ve ever wondered how to respond to an apology in a way that recognizes the other person’s effort, wondered how to respond to an apology when you’re not actually over it, or how to respond to an apology if you actually weren’t upset at all, we’ve got expert-approved phrases for you to keep in mind the next time someone apologizes to you.

And P.S., beyond how to respond to an apology, if you yourself are curious about how to apologize (like, what to say after ghosting someone) or which of the five apology languages you should brush up on, we’ve got you covered as well.

What to say when someone apologizes:

Below, five potential paths you can choose when someone apologizes to you — that still honor your own feelings and boundaries.

How to acknowledge their apology

It’s never easy to apologize, especially when pride is involved, which it often is. Therapist Sandra Kushnir, LMFT, founder and CEO of Meridian Counseling recommends recognizing the apologizer’s courage and vulnerability in doing so. “You can say, ‘I appreciate you taking the time to apologize. It means a lot to me that you recognize how your actions affected me,’” Kushnir says, as this “not only validates their effort but also opens the door for a constructive conversation.”

However, Kushnir adds, “if the apology does not seem genuine and feels forced [or] deflects responsibility for actions, it is okay to point out (calmly and emphatically) your observations about why the apology did not feel genuine or meet needs you have in order to rebuild trust with that person.” AKA it’s totally okay to consider apologies like the infamous “I’m sorry you feel that way” as insincere and to speak up for yourself in these instances.

How to address the hurt you feel and offer forgiveness (should you choose to)

Don’t be afraid to communicate honestly here, Kushnir adds, if the person is someone you genuinely trust and is making an honest effort to fix things, she says. You can say something here like, “I want you to know that what happened really hurt me. However, I do appreciate your apology and I’m willing to work on forgiving you,” as Kushnir suggests, since this phrase acknowledges your own emotions while remaining open to reconciliation, she explains.

If you’d rather maintain boundaries and don’t see this person as someone with the best of intentions however, Kushnir says you don’t need to get too into why the thing that happened hurt you. “Not everyone deserves your vulnerability,” she says, adding that “with some people, less is more.”

How to accept their apology and avoid scenarios like this in the future

Say something like, “Thank you for your apology. I accept it. Moving forward, I think it’s important for us to communicate more openly about our feelings to prevent this from happening again.” This phrasing suggested by Kushnir “promotes proactive communication and helps establish boundaries.”

In order to avoid future misunderstandings or conflicts, Kushnir recommends you be clear about what you need, your expectations, and consequences that will happen if the behavior continues. “Without consequences, people don’t take boundaries as seriously,” she adds.

How to provide reassurance after you’ve accepted their apology

To provide reassurance, Kushnir suggests saying something like “I accept your apology, and I believe we can move past this. I trust that we both want to make this relationship better.” By wording it like this, Kusnnir says you reinforce your commitment to the relationship as well as your belief that positive change is possible.

How to respond when you still need time and are hurt or offended

In instances like these when you’re still hurt, don’t be afraid to express your need for time to continue to process and think, Kushnir adds. She recommends saying something like “I appreciate your apology, but I’m still feeling hurt. I need some time to process this before I can fully move on.” This sentence allows you to communicate how you’re feeling (hurt) without dismissing their effort, she explains.

For all my fellow people-pleasers out there, know that “it’s perfectly normal to let them know that [you] are not ready to accept their apology,” Dr. Takaku says. So, be empowered in taking the time you want and need to process what happened at a speed that honors your emotions instead of just bottling everything up.

“While you may not be ready to accept the person’s apology now, it’s important to be open to future conversations,” Minaa says, adding “Let them know that you value your relationship with them, and you’re willing to work toward a resolution when you’re both ready.” she adds.

“It’s okay to process your emotions and decide if you’re ready to accept an apology,” Minaa says. “While forgiveness can be a powerful and healing experience, it’s important to remember that it’s a personal choice and not something that should be forced or expected of someone. Ultimately, the decision to forgive someone should be based on your own values, beliefs, and emotional needs.”

How to respond to an apology if you aren’t actually that upset, yet the person keeps apologizing

In cases where you’re over it but the person keeps apologizing, therapist Nina Batista, LCSW, recommends saying something like “I appreciate your apology, but it’s okay, don’t worry. It didn’t upset me that much and we can move on,” which allows for honest communication, acknowledges the other person’s effort, and conveys that you weren’t upset.

How to respond to an apology if you’re still upset and not ready to let it go yet

In these instances, you want honest communication and boundary implementation, Batista says. Remember, as Kushnir pointed out above, clear boundaries and consequences are your best bet in avoiding future misunderstandings. In this case, you can say something like “Hey, I appreciate you apologizing but I’m not ready to let this go. I need space to gather my feelings,” as Batista recommends. This phrase is especially good for people who may need a bit more time to think and process, as it’s more open-ended.

What happens if you tell someone you forgive them but you’re not actually over it?

Minaa explains that in some cases, forgiving and forgetting when you’re not truly ready to, may actually be more unhealthy and toxic for you in the long run. “When we’re not ready to accept an apology, but we pretend to forgive because we think it’s the right thing to do instead…can lead us to engage in unhealthy forgiveness, aka toxic forgiveness,” Minaa adds. This might look like continuously forgiving someone who repeatedly hurts you without any change in their behavior, forgiving someone without acknowledging the harm they caused or minimizing the impact of their actions, or accepting an apology too quickly without taking time to process and heal from the hurt the person caused, Minaa explains.

FAQs

How do you politely respond to an apology?

Besides Kushnir’s suggestion above, you can also keep it short and sweet with something like “I really appreciate your apology, thank you so much,” as recommended by Batista.

How do you respond to an apology without saying it’s okay?

It’s important to keep in mind that “you can acknowledge the person’s effort in their apology without forgiving them,” Batista says. You can say something here where you acknowledge the person’s apology, but tell them you need more time to process or think about what happened.

How to gracefully not accept an apology?

In these instances, you can thank the person for their effort in apologizing but ask for more time to process. Remember, whether or not you forgive the person is up to you, and you’re well within your rights to exercise your boundaries and not forgive someone if they hurt you.