Uh…My Partner Reminds Me of My Parent—What Should I Make of That?

While it may feel uncomfortable, it’s totally normal for your partner to remind you of your parent, whether that’s because of their physical appearance or their personality traits (or both). “People very often look for partners that remind them of their parents,” affirms Kimberly Vered Shashoua, LCSW, a therapist who works with young adults. At the same time, you may also notice similarities in your partner’s relationship with their parents; for example, you and their mom have one dimple on the exact same side of your mouth when you smile. Is this an eerie similarity or an endearing coincidence?

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Biology and psychology both play their part in why that could be. Basically, it comes down to this: Your relationship with your parents is the first one you have, and it teaches you what you do and don’t want in future relationships. When that modeling is negative, it can lead to mother wounds and father wounds. Most often, though, it causes us to seek out familiar cues and traits that make us feel safe. Ahead, experts explain why we choose partners who remind us of our parents, what to do about it, and how to play it cool if (and when) the two meet.

Do people look for partners that remind them of their parents?

It’s more common than you might think for people to look for partners that remind them of their parents. A 2021 study in Collabra: Psychology found that people favor profiles of individuals who remind them of their parents (or even exes). According to researchers, this insightful outcome is a result of transference, the act of transferring one’s feelings from or about one person to another. Positive feelings about a parent could lead you to have positive feelings about someone who’s like them. So, even if you don’t know someone particularly well, the fact that they share a few positive personality traits with one of your parents may make you more inclined to think positively about them as a whole.

Looking for partners like your parents can be conscious or unconscious. “Conscious factors include actively seeking a partner who shares life experiences, values, or core belief systems,” says Natalie Moore, LMFT, a licensed therapist in Los Angeles. “Unconscious factors include attachment style, familiarity, or unresolved issues.” Attachment style—aka the template we all have for relationships that provides insight into emotional needs, communication patterns, and coping mechanisms—“lays the blueprint for future relationships,” Moore continues. These blueprints often consist of “relationship dimensions, such as attraction, trust, intimacy, dependency, roles, and conflict resolution,” Moore adds.

"Finding someone similar means we don't need to adjust our rhythms and roles. We are satisfying our innate need to keep things stable and familiar." — Kimberly Vered Shashoua, LCSW, a therapist who works with young adults

Another possible explanation for why you might think "my partner reminds me of my parent" goes back to your childhood and first experiences with love—two factors that likely shaped how you see relationships, whether you know it or not. “Usually the first person you fall in love with is a parent,” adds Monica Cwynar, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker with Thriveworks in Pittsburgh, specializing in relationships and family. “This can be influenced by positive or negative experiences with their parents.”

Further, parent-adolescent bonding and parent-child compatibility can play a big role in your long-term health and well-being as you grow up. Because of its profound influence on how you connect with others socially, this parental influence may extend through other super-close relationships, such as those with your romantic partner(s). We may be attracted to partners like our parents because it can feel familiar and comfortable, or pertain to an unresolved issue we had with them. We may be attracted to a particular partner because they help us in the same way a parent did, or conversely, because they don’t do that hurtful thing that a parent used to. Some other specific similarities your parent and partner may share include physical resemblance, personality, communication styles, and relationship dynamics, says Cwynar.

“If you had a parent who was indecisive, and you were used to stepping in and helping them out, you may feel more comfortable with a mate who is deferential and allows you to make the decisions in the relationship,” Moore says. “Conversely, if you had a decisive parent, which made you feel safe and cared for, you may consciously seek out a partner who shares that ability.”

It all comes down to what we’re used to. “Our families set the tone of what we think of as ‘normal,’” Shashoua says. This can intersect with the aforementioned “unresolved issue” piece of the puzzle, in which negativity is the norm. “For example, if your parents criticized your appearance growing up, you may feel that it’s normal to be with someone who does that now…Familiarity makes us feel at ease, even when the thing we’re familiar with is being treated poorly,” Shashoua adds.

Why do we choose partners similar to our parents?

You may be wondering why many of us are attracted to familiarity when it’s uncomfortable or worse, abusive. One reason is that it allows us to avoid change—something that takes work and elicits feelings of discomfort and fear. “Finding someone similar means we don’t need to adjust our rhythms and roles,” Shashoua explains. “We are satisfying our innate need to keep things stable and familiar.” In this way, familiarity may, at times, take precedence over emotional and physical safety.

We may also choose partners who are similar to our parents with hopes of replicating the past and seeking a better outcome. This is a sign of “repetition compulsion,” or feeling compelled to reenact an experience that may have been traumatic. People may do this to try to master, heal from, or understand a traumatic life event. “Choosing partners similar to our parents can be a way to recreate familiar relationship dynamics or to seek validation, love, or approval that may have been lacking in childhood,” Cwynar says.

For example, as you’re dating, you may subconsciously think of your father, who was always critical of you growing up, and seek out a partner who is noticeably more generous with their praise and approval. Or if you think back to memories of your father putting you down and wish you had stood up for yourself (and it’s fair if you didn’t—he was your dad!), you might unconsciously seek out a relationship with a partner to replicate the past and change that narrative. If you think this may be the case for you—and a therapist can help you figure that out—Cwynar encourages attending to it. “These patterns can be ingrained and repeated unless consciously addressed,” she says. In other words, repetition compulsion may not be the most effective way to heal. So, if this seems like a common relationship pattern for you, you may want to consider seeing a therapist who can help you work through this repetition compulsion.

It’s also important to note that these explanations only scratch the surface, especially when it comes to abusive relationships. People may enter toxic relationships and not leave them for several reasons, including shame, a lack of resources, immigration status, safety concerns about leaving, both for themselves and for any children affected by the relationship, and more. Why we choose partners similar to our parents is dependent on multiple variables and sometimes out of our control, but how we respond to those similarities is even more important.

What does it mean if my boyfriend reminds me of my dad?

Before we dive deeper, know that thinking "my partner reminds me of my parent" isn’t anything to be ashamed of. “It’s normal to date someone who reminds you of your dad,” Shashoua says. Again, familiarity can feel comfortable, even when what we’re familiar with is not comfortable.

“If you had a relationship with your father in which he was cold and unemotional, you might be attracted to a partner who exhibits these qualities because that feels familiar and comfortable to you,” Moore says. “You might even unconsciously try to resolve the issue you had with your parent of feeling unlovable by finally winning the attention and affections of your partner.” So, if your partner reminds you of your dad, there’s a chance you’re seeking resolutions to past issues with your parent. On the other hand, you may have had an incredible relationship with your dad growing up and really admired his personality traits. If this is the case and you realize "my partner reminds me of my parent," it’s more likely that you’re leaning into what feels familiar and safe—generally, a great sign that your partner is fulfilling your emotional needs!

Not everyone’s boyfriend, however, will remind them of their dad. Further, it may be possible you’re attracted to people like your dad but haven’t actually dated them. This phenomenon was evidenced in a study in Evolution and Human Behavior, which found a father’s physical appearance affects the preferences—but not actual choices—of heterosexual women’s and gay men’s attractions.

What does it mean if my girlfriend reminds me of my mom?

It’s also normal for your girlfriend to remind you of your mom, Shashoua says. Moore supplies the example of a mother who’s smothering and anxious, and how that can attract you to others who act that way if that treatment makes you feel loved. “A partner who maintains a healthy distance may even seem uncaring to you if you compare your behavior with that of your mother’s as a normal expression of love,” she explains.

Here, you may attracted to your partner because of their harmful similarities to your mother. If your partner’s positive traits are more similar to those of your mother, however, this may be a good sign that you’ve found someone who makes you feel safe, loved, and inspired. Whether you realize "my partner reminds me of my parent" in regards to your mother or father, it’s important to understand that your personal relationship with your parents is going to be the biggest indicator of what their shared traits symbolize and how that affects you.

Why am I attracted to people who look like my mom or dad?

Personality and relationship styles aren’t the only factors that can be familiar and comfortable—physicality can be, too. Of course, acknowledging that your partner has your dad’s nose or your mom’s eyes doesn’t mean you’re attracted to your parents in that way; it’s just another reminder that, as humans, we seek out relationships that feed into familiarity, allowing us to fall more easily into the roles and dynamics we’re accustomed to.

“Attraction to people who resemble a parent can stem from unconscious desires to recreate or heal past relationships,” Cwynar says. (So back to repetition compulsion.) “This can be a way to seek familiarity, security, or unresolved emotional needs from childhood.”

Moore also points to imprinting, or the biological concept that animals develop a trusting relationship with the first moving object they see after birth. “Though human development is more complex, we too develop strong bonds with our early attachment figures and often associate their physical appearance with a sense of safety, trust, and familiarity,” she says. “This association between appearance and emotions can persist and be reflected in intimate relationships into adulthood.”

Age is another physical tie-in you may notice. According to a study in the Journal of Research and Personality, participants born to older parents were more attracted to older faces. So not everything ties back to childhood experiences. Sometimes, our current perceptions of our parents can be just as influential on our relationship patterns.

What to do if you’re worried your partner is like your parent

Again, dating someone who makes you think "my partner reminds me of my parent" isn’t necessarily a bad thing or something you need to worry about. Moore first encourages thinking about whether the behavior or tendency harms the relationship. “If the result is positive, then there’s nothing to be concerned about,” she says.

As with most things, however, there is a gray area. Between green flags and yellow flags, we have…icks? You may not love a quality about your partner, but it’s not necessarily harmful or a dealbreaker. Maybe they talk with food in their mouth, can’t be bothered to clean up their apartment, or speak in the third person All. The. Time. “If you and your partner have a strong foundation of love, trust, and commitment to one another, you may be able to look past some annoyances or eccentricities that remind you of a parent,” Moore continues.

If you notice yellow or red flags, consider the following therapist-backed tips.

1. Reflect on your relationships and experiences

Looking to the past and better understanding your relationship with your parents can be an insightful step that guides you toward self-discovery. What was your parent-child relationship like growing up? How do you feel about it now, and how is it influencing the way you look for and seek love in romantic relationships? “Understanding these connections can help you navigate any similarities or differences with your partner,” Cwynar says.

2. Seek support from a mental health professional

A therapist or other mental health professional can always dive into those underlying issues with you and assess how they impact your current relationship. A therapist can provide guidance, support, and strategies for navigating it all, too, according to Cwynar. Sometimes, hearing that many other people are experiencing what you’re experiencing isn’t enough to help you move forward, which is why asking a professional to help you dive deeper into your personal concerns about having a partner who reminds you of your parent can be especially beneficial.

3. Focus on what you can control

Realizing that your partner is a lot like your parent can be difficult to digest. Understandably, you may worry about what that means or frantically Google the psychology behind it. At the same time, Moore encourages not fixating on the “what ifs” and “whys,” but on what you need in the present moment. “If you are content and fulfilled in the relationship, then it doesn’t matter if they resemble a parent,” she says. “And if you are unsatisfied with the dynamic, it’s more helpful to focus on what your needs are within the relationship and how you can get those met, versus analyzing whether the tendencies remind you of a parent.”

4. Attend to your inner child

Inner child work—or healing childhood traumas by reconnecting to lost, stolen, or forgotten parts of your younger self—can be incredibly helpful in working through any concerns you may have about seeking out partners who remind you of your parents. This might look like talking to your child self (through journaling, for example) with understanding, grace, and compassion. Discovering and healing your mother wounds, or any hurt you suffered as a result of a parent’s neglect, substance abuse, or other mistreatment, is another step in the right direction to uncovering your true motives behind seeking out partners that resemble your parents. This process often entails self-compassion and creative expression, so it can be helpful to seek out a professional to help you work through each step.

5. Communicate openly

After that reflective work, you may realize your relationship with your partner isn’t the healthiest or happiest. Communication may help you get the relationship back on track, though. “Share your thoughts and feelings with your partner in a calm and honest manner,” Cwynar says. “Discuss any concerns or patterns you have noticed, and work together to create a supportive and understanding environment.”

Moore suggests saying something like “Hey, when you _____, it reminds me of [a situation from your childhood]. Can you please _____ instead?” She believes at best, this can result in a stronger relationship. If your partner doesn’t react well, however, it may signal it’s time for the relationship to end. “If your partner denies the issue or is unwilling to compromise, this may signal a red flag or an incompatibility,” she says.

6. Re-evaluate the relationship

There are many reasons why reevaluating the relationship may be a good idea, regardless of what outcome you end up with. For example, if your partner’s levels of emotional maturity don’t match your own, it can be nearly impossible to change that and get on the same page. Also, if your partner constantly blames you or disrespects your boundaries, just to name a couple of red flags, you may want to reconsider the future of the relationship. You deserve better!

An important note about intimate partner violence

In some instances, the traits your parents and partner may share—such as a bad temper, controlling behavior, and blame-shifting, among many others—are clear signs of abuse. If this experience sounds familiar to you, know that you are not to blame for finding yourself in an abusive relationship and you’re far from alone. “It’s hard to recognize intimate partner violence from the inside, especially when violence has been normalized in your family,” Shashoua validates. She encourages finding someone to talk to, like a trusted friend or therapist. Advocates are a free option, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which has an online chat box. You can also contact NDVH at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” TO 88788 if you or someone you know is in danger.

My partner reminds me of my parent—now what?

Many people look at their partner and are reminded of their parents. After all, our relationships with our parents—who raised us and shaped our view of the world at an early age—influence how we perceive love and how we allow ourselves to be treated. We may look for partners who give us comfort in the same ways, for example, and appreciate that sense of familiarity.

Even if it’s offputting at first, realizing "my partner reminds me of my parent" isn’t an automatic sign to terminate the relationship. Instead, ask yourself a few questions. Is the relationship healthy and happy? Given your history, what steps might you need to take to ensure it’s as good as it can be? If you can confidently answer those questions in a way that makes you hopeful for the future, you and your partner(s) are probably in a good spot. “It is essential to be mindful of the potential impact of past experiences on current relationships and to actively work towards creating healthy and fulfilling connections based on mutual respect, understanding, and communication,” Cwynar says. In other words, how you’re being treated in a relationship is paramount. Shashoua adds, “We all deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.”